- One of Gus' increasingly futile attempts to get Caroline and Lloyd to stop squabbling:
Gus: From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - do not get to yell! Why? No guns! No guns, no yelling; simple little equation!
- "Great. I've hijacked my fucking parents."
- "Great. I just beat up Santa Claus."
- Lloyd trying to justify closing his restaurant:
Caroline: One bad review in one lousy magazine, you just give up!Lloyd: Now hold on. Stop right there. If you recall, it wasn't 'one bad review in one lousy magazine,' it was the Restaurant Guidebook of New York! And when the Restaurant Guidebook recommends you to 'Hindus looking for a fun night out of fasting,' what do you expect me to do, change the menu?!
- "Grandma's chewing through her gag."