Funny / The Railway Series

Toby the Tram Engine
  • In Dirty Objects, James mocks Toby's shabby paint. Toby has the last laugh in the conversation.
    "James," he asked, "why are you red?"
    "I am a splendid engine," answered James loftily, "ready for anything. You never see my paint dirty."
    "Oh!" said Toby innocently, "that's why you once needed bootlaces; to be ready, I suppose?"
    James went redder than ever and snorted off.

Duck and the Diesel Engine
  • The Barber telling off Duck for scaring his customer rather then crashing into the Barber Shop, then covering his face in shaving foam.
    Barber: It's only an engine.

Branch Line Engines

Stepney the Bluebell Engine
  • From the beginning of "Bluebells of England", Percy is singing about the bluebells, which Douglas finds it annoying.
    Douglas: If ye must sing, Percy, can't ye sing in tune?!

Small Railway Engines
  • Mike being teased by Bert and Rex in response to comments about Duck's whistle, which is jammed by a bit of egg that his driver and fireman were cooking with his steam.
    Mike: If engines can't whistle properly they shouldn't try.
    Bert: Then why do you?
    Mike: Why do I what?
    Bert: Try to whistle of course.
    Mike: Shut up! You're jealous. Mine (his whistle) is better than yours anyway.
    Rex: Listen Mike. If I had a whistle like yours you know what I'd do?
    Rex: I'd lose it.

Enterprising Engines
  • From "Tenders for Henry", we have this dialogue where Henry, James, and Duck assume some reasons why Gordon feels unhappy, much to his annoyance:
    Gordon: I'm not happy.
    James: Your firebox is out of order. No wonder after all that coal you had yesterday.
    Gordon: Hard work brings good appetite! You wouldn't understand!
    Duck: I know! It's boiler ache. I warned you about that standpipe on the other railway, but you drank gallons.
    Gordon: It's not boiler ache, it's—
    Henry: Of course it is. That water's bad. It furs up your tubes. Your boiler must be full of sludge. Have a good washout, then you'll feel a different engine.
    Gordon: Don't be vulgar!