- From the December 8, 2010 show:
"Oh hey, there's the guy that's too fat to be on a plane. Remember that guy? He's too fat. With his fatness.""...And they cry tears of ranch dressing."
- The Hilarious Outtakes from the September 12, 2011 show. Especially this bit:
"Hey, you clicked the playlist, thank you! You make me so much money! *Evil Laugh*""I can't find my fuckin' story. Where are you kitty cat? Where are you kitty cat? Kitty caaat. Where are you kitty caaat? Here, kitty caaat. Where the fuck are you kitty cat? I can't find you kitty cat.""Shut up Matt. Shut your goddamn whore mouth."
- On sex being the cure for everything from the November 1, 2011 show:
"Consider me a less douchey Dr. Phil for a second. Sex. Cures. Everything. Except STDs. I would be the best doctor ever. Depression? Here's a prescription for sex. Insomnia and restless leg syndrome. Did somebody order sex? Wanna live longer? Never stop sexing!"
- On the subject of the United States Postal Service possibly going bankrupt, from the December 6, 2011 show:
"I do not look forward to opening my mailbox. It is just a hole of depression and sadness. There's a vagina joke there, but I'm not gonna do it 'cause this is a family show."