Funny: The Nostalgia Chick 2010 Episodes
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The Smurfette Principle
- The beginning, where she emits a big sigh and gives everyone a sulky wave.
- Especially when she introduces Optimus Prime's girlfriend-"Also she's PIIIINK!"
- And then introducing BlackArachnia, saying that she was actually a villain. "We know because she's not PIIIIINK."
- The flashback.
Critic: Hey, congratulations, you got the job!
Chick: Hey, that's great, hooray for life! *Thumbs up* :D
Critic: Alright! Later, bye! God, I'm awesome.
- Bemoaning how women suck. "I don't know how we stand us."
- "The nineties left us with a plethora of questions; questions about NAFTA, why does Roland Emmerich keep making movies, whatever became of those Hanson Boys?"
- Her saying right off at the bat that this episode isn't about the animated musical.
- Making James Cameron into a Memetic Badass.
- "What does that even mean? Your heart will go where?"
- Comparing Titanic to Terminator 2: Judgment Day and True Lies. "One of these things is not like the other."
- Pointing at the screen with a devilish smirk when she's talking about guys "hating" the movie; "You saw it. You know you saw it."
- Regarding the backlash: "It was strong. It was fierce. *claps her hands* "And was anyone surprised?"
- The Chick wondering about the hate surrounding CÚline Dion.
Chick: Why is she so easy to hate? Is is because of her big, weird head? Is it because she's Canadian? [a picture of Canada with the caption "EASY TARGET" flashes onscreen] Or it could just be that you couldn't escape the damn thing. Run down a street, duck into a gas station, it was coming after you. Duck into a McDonalds, it saw you, oh, and it's coming there too. It's coming, with wind-blown hair, and gaudy sequinned Canadian gowns!
Celine Dion: YOOOOOOOOU'RE HEEEEEERE...
- And then later, she is actually drowned out by the song as she tries to conclude the video.
- Her almost shell-shocked look when she remembers "Leo Mania".
- "Why did he have to be so damned cute?"
- "How dare you quote a line from your movie when you win an award? Grr."
- How happy she is to see Billy Zane hamming it up.
- "...there's a market for catchphrases."
- The disgust at the "I'm flying" line. "No. No you're not."
- *SNAP* "There. You just lost your male demographic."
My Little Pony
- Playing Lady Gaga's "Love Game" in the background. You know, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick"? Soundtrack Dissonance, ahoy!
- "All little girls go through a HORSIE phase. And Hasbro knew this, and exploited it well, evil geniuses that they are."
- While talking about the show versus Transformers: "...we got oddly proportioned horse beasts with tattoos representing their names on their asses." She sounds so bitter.
- Morphing a rearing horse into a "an alien creature with soft, rounded corners, pastel colors and eyes that are big enough to swallow its head".
- "What did they all do in Pony Valley? Besides get catty, have fights and, I dunno... walk around, defecate, things ponies do.
- Pointing out that she probably sold her ponies for lipstick and tweezers.
- Coining the term "wo-Man Child" for Nella.
- "No wonder why there's no understanding between the sexes."
- "There's like a whole movement of grown women who paint the asses of ponies."
- How she's too lazy to do more than go on Wikipedia to learn about the show.
- "Haha, she's fat."
- Identifying with the antagonist daughters because her mother made her feel inadequate.
Chick: Mama, why can't you love us?
- Chick staring into the abyss of Lickety Split and Spike's full frontal open mouths.
- Her impression of the seaponies:
Chick: Oh my god, what are you worm-horse-wing-things? It looks like it hurts to be you!
- The ponies' cheeriness about the witches.
Pony: *Cheerily* It's the witches from the Volcano of Gloom!
Chick: *Also cheerily* It's the coven from the Geyser of Malaise!
- "AND WHAT'S WITH YOUR DEMON EYES!?"
- The picture of a drunk man passed out face first in a urinal when she bemoans that she keeps dating alcoholics.
- All of Nella's melodrama, partly because of her tone of voice while explaining it and the background music.
...who cried herself to sleep at night because she was in a loveless marriage, and their spawn was Appletree. You can tell because he has trees and apples, which is a combination of the two horses. He did not realize that his mother was living and trapped in a loveless marriage because he was wee and did not understand the horrors and pains of life. You had the schoolteacher, who also was a whore with a heart of gold
, and all the little ponies loved her, because she was sweet and had a heart of gold even though she was a whore.
- Said school teacher looks a lot like the current Cheerilee.
- Also Hilarious in Hindsight. The new show is a Played for Laughs Dysfunction Junction with every main pony having at least one huge breakdown in what's been yet only one season.
- "In the land of ponies, Clydesdale equals Budweiser equals men. Because only men are man enough to drink that watery horse-piss called beer."
- Her confusion over a weird-looking pony:
- "...is that a camera?"
- "You put a camera in my room at my parent's house." It's like she's realizing what she's gotten herself into.
- "When it's your semesters, I am a FREE. AUTONOMOUS. NELLA."
- How completely and utterly oblivious the Chick is to Nella's rage. And how when "My Little Ponies" are mentioned, Nella goes fangirl and forgets she was ever angry.
- The Chick's "WTF" headtilt when the fangirling happens.
- "It's a perfect storm of shit!"
- Her theory that it's so terribly bad that it has to be an art film. And after, trying to tell herself that "it's a profound, political statement that all of us are just too obtuse to try and understand."
- "What is, on the surface, a sort of womansploitation epic that shows no working knowledge of not only female behaviour but human behaviour in general is really a feminist polemic. It is satire at its purest and most clever form; so clever that we don't get it. Nobody gets it!"
- "Geddit? No-Mi I'm alone. Genius!" The almost manically sarcastic delivery makes it.
- "You know, we like her because she's tough and treats everyone like shit. And has long since overcome her crippling caffeine pill addiction from Saved by the Bell."
- Trying to figure out where Nomi came from and settling on being pulled from the thigh of Zeus.
- Her confused "Whaat?" to the sleazy guy telling Nomi "sooner or later you're gonna have to sell it!".
- "Fuck, he's right! I gotta go sell it!"
- "Should we even bother keeping track of the 'what'?"
- "Ketchup the fuck out of those fries!"
- "All I have are these fries!"
- After the "friendly black lady" goes inside and strips immediately: "I knew it! I knew this is what it was like! ...wait, I am female."
- Only being able to call her "crack team" humans.
- "I do it for you, people."
- The re-enactment of the NC-17 scenes is gold.
- Especially the lapdance re-enactment! It essentially boils down to P-Cash, a bloke with a pair of fake breasts making vague thrusting and backside-wiggling motions in front of uncomfortable-looking, sitting Elisa, and all the while he's holding a holding copy of 'Opera For Dummies'!
- "There's something wrong with your nipples. I'm erect: why aren't they erect?"
P-Cash: [breaking] Director, this is really going too far!
- Nella having to wear a very tiny silver bikini. (Over her t-shirt, of course.)
- Use of boobies (as in, the bird) as a censor bar.
- Elisa being passed over for the various parts by all of her friends and some guy who was just passing by after stealing a computer. The Chick's total obliviousness to this last bit is hilarity.
- "I just really hate your car!"
- "We're going to the lazer light show! Sieze, bitch!"
- And this gem...
Everybody got AIDS and shit!
Everybody got AIDS... and shit!
- The Nostalgia Chick throwing that line in wherever she can.
"Everybody, everything, it has AIDS! This bench, it has AIDS!"
"I see you got AIDS and shit!"
"She's got AIDS and shit!"
- This line:
Al: "It must be weird not having people cum on you."
Chick: (long pause) "It is."
- And just beforehand, her deeply sarcastic disbelief that a man wrote that.
- After Elizabeth Berkley kisses Gina Gershon...
Chick: "Wow, we both taste like Kyle MacLachlan's dick!"
- No mention of Nella's scenery-chewing song at the end yet?
- "I think ice is a symbol of oppression in this movie or something... I dunno."
- On the "doggy chow" scene: "How does this guy have such piercing insight into the female psyche?"
- "So the movie's over?" *perkily turns to leave* "Oh, I guess not, nobody's been raped yet."
- "So consensual our sex will be as long as you don't rape me!"
- Proposing one of the characters shove a female dancer down a flight of stairs (that he impregnated) and hope for the best.
- The re-enactment of the rape scene, with Nella shouting, "YEAH! RAPE!" gleefully.
- When Molly is raped by Not-Michael-Bolton, she is offered a dress shop to keep quiet about it. The Chick suggests "The Rape Hut" as a name.
Blonde Girls Now And Then
- The beginning, where she tells everyone in a very caring, motherly tone that "it's okay" to love shitty music.
- The Chick's goofy dancing. All of it.
- The Chick imagining Mick Jagger, after hearing the line "And the dudes are lining up/'Cause they think we got swagger/But we kick them to the kerb unless they look like Mick Jagger".
- Wondering if Ke$ha even knows what Mick Jagger looks like.
- "And I called Britney 'Titney' because I thought I was clever and I was wildly jealous of her fame and success and wealth and all that."
- "Thank God I had all those cameras installed in her room!"
- "Some of us want to have sex, albeit non-promiscuously, and some of us want to love you forever!" *cue Jessica Simpson belting*
- Calling Jessica Simpson a virtuous cocktease.
- Nella dancing in her room with a fedora on her head. Also quite awesome.
- Nella's pun at the beginning. "I am a mad scientist. In fact, I'm furious!"
- "Now technically I'm an engineer."
- "I'm Dr. Tease, and I think science is frivolous and fun."
- Dr. Tease growling sexily in Dr. Block's direction, after the latter just insulted her.
- Nella hamming it up while Dr. Tease nonchalantly does her nails for her.
Dr. Tease: You have a hangnail.
- That poor robot of hers...
- "What is the meaning of life? I'm so alone." Added bonus is the Chick's "WTF" expression.
- "And in my case it's creating a walking, dish-doing, intelligent, fuckable coffeepot!" Followed by her sighing happily.
Chickbot: "I was not God's will!"
Chick: "I'm not paying you to talk."
Chickbot: "Mistress does not pay me at all..."
Chick: "Shut up, top me off and drop trou. These nuts ain't going to bust themselves."
- Her grinning two-thumbs up after Dr. Tease says she built the Sex Slave robot for her.
Dr. Block: Why would you make something so... wrong?"
- Calling her TV remote a robot-controlling tazer.
- The bizarreness of her trying to feed him coffee.
- Slapping the robot when it tries to call her a hypocrite. She also slaps it for no reason before the point "Never trust a robot".
- Saying she's doing this episode so that nobody will bring on the zombie apocalypse.
- "Just try to make sure it doesn't reanimate the dead."
- "But just make sure you don't have a Hitler-like personality that will go all mad with power the second you get promoted to middle management."
- "And if you're young and relatable instead of old, cracked and scary, eh, you're probably going to end up better off."
- Complaining about Ang Lee's Hulk movie:
Chick: Nor can I particularly see what's going on but I think that's a good thing.
- Don't put your dick in it. :(
- And the almost guilty look she shoots her robot the first time she says that.
- At the end of the section, her main thought is "but once it seems to benefit me, if not my unholy abomination sisters". You want to elaborate on that last part, Chick?
- "Where did you learn your science ethics, sir? The University of Mengele?"
Nostalgia Chick Labs
The Man In The Iron Mask
- Her waking up in a room filled with empty beer bottles and Cheetos.
- Her being so out of it that her vision is blurred.
- Nella's "Now Lindsay, don't take this the wrong way... but you sound fat."
- The Chick being a complete Bad Liar and not being able to come up with any witty response.
- Nella's total meltdowning rage at the whole "eating cheetos and drinking beer for the past four months" thing.
- Her top being inside-out.
- That genuinely disturbing◊ face she makes when she's successfully bullshitted her way through what she's going to talk about today.
- "This was before that Scorsese clown got a hold of him and made him all 'legit actor' or whatever."
- "I think you had to be a certain type to enjoy this film: either a thirteen year old girl or the kind who likes ham."
- Her reaction to "The Three Musketeers", the Disney live-action film:
Chick: Woah, there are like... people in this movie.
- Calling much attention to Leo's bishie-like face.
Chick: He's like the least inbred-looking royal ever.
- All her making fun of the Draco in Leather Pants phenomenon, as well as fangirls in general.
- Her description of John Malkovich's acting modes: Acting, "Malkovich Malkovich", and Angry Olive Garden Patron Who Over-Enunciates Every-Thing He Says.
- "Well fine, I'm going to play a lovable old curmudgeon on Fox."
- "Guys, the weirdo is strangling the king, y'wanna like, help the king? These guys are just standing there like 'Hmm, maybe we should do something.'"
- "The king doesn't care that she taken, and one day traps her in his majesty's...rape fountains."
- Nella at the end: "Are you fat? Or have you just been stuffing pillows up your shirt again?"
Rise Of The Eyebrow
- Just before Nella pops up, Chick stroking her chin (even though she's very obviously beardless) wondering where she's seen the Tangled poster expression before.
- Nella freaking out the Chick (for once!) by popping out of nowhere and engaging in full Genki Girl mode.
Chick: ...how did you get in here?
Chick: ...how did you get on this coast?
- And then the Chick pretty much copying N. Bison and acting like "Disney needing competition" was all her idea while Nella looks sad.
- It turning out that the only reason Nella came was to get Lindsay to go with her to Disneyland. The Chick's Death Glare is priceless.
- Wondering how Dreamworks would market their theme park. "The most Jack Black-iest place on earth?"
- As soon as Nella says "dance party", some disco music starts and the women enthusiastically dance.
- The animation about Disney falling in the 70's and Dreamworks being like a monster-y hurricane.
- The terrified Creator Worship of Jeffery Katzenberg.
Nella: You are a God amongst men.
Chick: Please don't hurt us.
- The back and forth about whether he quit or resigned, and the Dramatic Thunder when they say he vowed revenge.
- The blink-and-you'll-miss-it caption "People are racist" when the Chick says that The Princess and the Frog tanked for a few reasons.
- The assertion that the two kids in the Tangled poster are fucking "like two squirrels in a sock".
- Motor Mouth-ing what Megamind was really about.
- Nella after realizing there's a Puss in Boots prequel:
"Damn you, star! I didn't wish upon you...and it's not even night-time."
- Chick's obnoxious boredom at Disneyland in contrast to Nella's genki excitement. (Of course she cracks at the end.)