- In the power of the crimp, Lance Dior and Harold Boom tell Vince that the future is out, and that they must look to the past for inspiration.
Vince: How far back? 70's? 60's?
Howard: (hopefully) 50's?
Vince: Don't be ridiculous, Howard!
- Howard and Vince discuss heroes:
Howard: What would Mick Jagger do?
Vince: He'd probably just do this (does chicken dance)
- Bollo recounts his childhood:
That is Chinko. He was my friend. As children we played together in forest. My father warn us, "No go too far, for there are hunter at edge of forest." But Chinko curious. He always say, "Bollo please, please can we go to edge of forest?" over and over and over. And so finally, one day (pause) I chopped his head off. Cup of tea, anyone?
- The Hitcher.
Oooooo, I'm a cockney nutjob! E' slashes one way! E' slashes another! E' even slashes diagonal! E's like connect four, in DAGGER terms!
- The Isadora Duncan conversation in the radio show, especially Howard miming Duncan being strangled by her scarf caught in a wheel; as well as the Brick Joke: as Howard is driving off without Vince, Vince shouts "Howard! Howard!" and it turned out it was just his scarf caught in the wheel.
- Old Gregg.
Do you like bailey's? I got some. I can give you Bailey's. Mmmmmm creamy!
- Nu Rave: Combining elements of the past and the future to make something not quite as good as either...
- This gem, from 'Call of the Yeti':
Howard: Roaring fire. Cup of tea. What more do you need eh?
Howard: Listen, Vince, what can you hear?
Vince: Your cells dying.
- From the same episode:
Howard: Hi, It's me, Howard Moon, we spoke on the phone this morning?
Kodiak Jack: The Hwat?
Howard: You know, the telephone?
Kodiak Jack: Ohhhh, the talkie stick, your voice got trapped inside it this morning
- From the 'Live Future Sailors' tour:
I am Sunflaaaaash. I am from the futaaa.
It's mixture of chinese and chav. I call it chavese
- "CRIMPETY CRIMPETY FUCK YOU."
- The entirety of Nanageddon, but a few gems stand out.
Howard: Killed a swan today. Did a shit on it. (beat) Right on it.
Naboo: You've gone too far this time. I'm going to have to turn my back on you. [revolves on the spot, while a guitar riff plays]
Vince: Aw, come on Naboo!
Naboo: [faces Vince and Howard again, while the guitar riff finishes] Let that be a lesson to you.
- This happened a couple of times, the earlier one went something like this:
Naboo: You know what's coming. Bollo, hold his arms.
Howard: No, don't be silly Naboo! no you don't have to do this! Vince! Vince! Vinceeee! Nooooooooooooo!
(Naboo turns his back on them, while Howard sobs hysterically)
- Howard's elbow patches. That is all
- Women like trumpets and bookmarks!
- "When an young... ah, kitten, and he in a bag, and I make him go, and I flat him out!" Such a Crowning Moment of Funny, in fact, that Julian and Noel themselves could hardly keep straight faces.
- From 'Bollo':
Howard: (after Vince tries to rescue him and fails) Well, I appreciate the gesture, but it was a bit of a wasted journey wasn't it? did you bring anything? Like a gun. Or a fork?
- Howard envisaging seeing his name in a newspaper:
Howard: Howard Moon, colon, explorer.
Vince: COLON EXPLORER? That's got a slightly odd ring to it, don't you think?
- Mention must be made of the episode where Howard gets kidnapped by a mysterious sea monster with webbed hands and a "mangina" who lures him back to his cave and shows him his watercolour paintings. They sing a song about playing "Love Games" and Gregg tries to get Howard, his "fuzzy little man-peach" to marry him.
Old Gregg: I did home economics. I got an A+ . I made a crumble. My teacher said mine was the best one.
- The hash cakes bit:
Naboo: Quick thing about hash cakes, have just one, wait an hour, see how you feel. Don't have fifteen at once, because you will see the devil, and he will try and tear your heart out through your kneecaps.
- Howard tests out his pitch for the Survivor Patch.
- When Howard has his first ever kiss... with Vince. Howard thinks he has fallen in love, but his feelings go away when he spots the girl he has a crush on. Vince feels personally hurt, until some random girl comes in and says hi and he gets over it. Then they jump on the bouncy castle. "Bouncy bouncy, Ooh such a good time!"
- On the way to Naboo's party, the head shaman Dennis encounters a gang of chavs. Anyone who lives/lived in an outer London borough will get a laugh out of the chav stereotypes, but the real laughs come from Dennis' bemused interactions.
Chav: Yeah yeah, lend me a pound, I know your sis-tah.
Dennis: Yes, I do not have a sister.
Chav: Don't back-chat me bighead, or I'll bust you up.
Dennis: This "bighead" business, I don't understand. I actually have a relatively small head for a man of my stature.
- Howard's last Arctic journal entry:
Howard: So alone. Wind my only friend.
The Wind: I hate you.
Howard: Shut up, Wind!
- "Argh! I've got bunches!!"
- The Electro episode. This exchange between the Spirit of Jazz and Howard.
Spirit: Ow, chicka chicka ow... oww! Man, my hat's on fire! Are you blind?! Why didn't you tell me?!
Howard: Sorry. I thought that was your look.
Spirit: No, it ain't my look! Spoiled my exit now. Tryin' to do you a favour.
He exits, then walks back past Howard thirty seconds later.
Spirit: Ain't no door back there. It's a toilet.
- Bob Fossil's unhinged explanation of why he can't give Howard and Vince a gig at his club.
This is the Number 2, OK? He runs a coffee shop. And this is the Number 9. And 9 is a customer, right? And one day 9 goes in and 2 goes, "I don't have a coffeehouse no more. I have a knife fighting academy." And Number 9 goes, "I want coffee!" And Number 2 goes, "No, I'm gonna slice you! AND LEARN HOW TO SLICE OTHERS." And 9 goes, "I can't, I gotta get out of here!" And 2 goes, "I LOCKED THE DOOR."
- An exchange between Bollo and Tony Harrison from a deleted scene (from memory, may not be entirely accurate)
Bollo: I'll crush you!
Tony: With what?
Tony: (worried) Right...
- "Some say Old Gregg painted his pubes yellow so he can read in the bed."
- "I'M EVIL, BRIXTON! I'M....I'M A KNOB!!"
- THAT'S THE END OF THE SHOW. NOW ALL FUCK OFF.
- "If there's any little kids here, it's S-T-U-M-P, STUMP-FUCKING. Get it right when you tell your mates in the playground tomorrow!"
- The Hitcher and Naboo meeting in the live show.
Naboo: Who are you?
Hitcher: They call me....The Hitcher (does pose)
(Spotlight goes on him and short jazzy tune plays)
Naboo: Is that your theme tune?
Hitcher: No it fucking ain't.
- "I love the Chosen One! I stick my fingers up his — " "THAT'S ENOUGH MUSIC FOR TONIGHT."
- From the radio version of 'Tundra'
Vince (playing a xylophone, sings): Shoot your face off! (xylophone) SHOOT YOUR FACE OFF!
- The entire "What would you do when faced with a polar bear?" scene.
Howard: What do you see next?
Vince: Stocky Jesus.
Howard: Stocky Jesus?
Vince: He's like Jesus, but fatter.
- Vince's argument for keeping a dead bat that's tangled in his hair:
Vince: I'll make a feature of it!
- In "The Chokes" we're introduced to avant-garde filmmaker Jurgen Haabermaaster. One of his earliest films is "The Doctor and the Pencil", an exploration of pain and rage which is also playful and comedic. The film is shot in grainy black-and-white, is roughly thirty seconds long and mostly consists of a man in a creepy doctor costume and a man in a creepy pencil costume screaming at each other.
Jurgen: Ha ha ha... so playful.
- Howard "getting into the climbing mindset" in the radio version of "Mutants". You think he's grunting because he's scaling a cliff to get to Fossil's secret laboratory... when really he's being carried up by Joey Moose in a little papoose.
- Meanwhile Vince is asked to stay at the bottom of the cliff and serve tea to a group of old soldiers...
Soldier: Can I have a latte?
Vince: A latte?! What is this, Vince Noir's Moonlight Cafe?
- The Colonel's incredibly long and rambling story that he tells at the bottom of the cliff.
- "I'm wearing two eyepatches; I can't see crap!"
- When Howard is talking to Mr. Fossil about the thief who is stealing animals from the zoo, he explains that he needs to get into the thief's "psychological mindset."
Fossil: Psychological mindset? Hey, Vince! Psychological mindset! Get a load of this guy. You sound like my goddamn shrink, always goin' on, "Tell me about your mother." Well, tell me about your mother, huh? So my mom used to hide in her bunker at breakfast, and throw eggs at me and call me "wimp wamp!" And my dad used to dress up and scream at us, "I'm a Chinese bear, walkin' around the wig-hut!" Yeah!
- This classic line from Mr. Fossil: "Don't talk to me, Moon. Or else I'll fly up the wall and spend money on it!"
- Tony the Prawn. His black eyes stare into your soul.
- This exchange:
Vince: What are you doing?!
Howard: I'm putting drops in its eyes.
Vince: Those aren't its eyes! They're its gills! I'm telling you, if you put drops in those, it's gonna open up like a duffel bag.
- From the radio version of Jungle:
- Bruno Mindhorn. Those who have heard of Julian Barratt's 2017 film Mindhorn will be laughing at it because of this.
- Vince's insistence on his outfit, calling himself "Mowgli in flares". Howard tells him he looks like a Camden leisure pirate.
- Fossil trying to get his way around a father whose son he fed to a lion at the end of 'Stolen'. The father threatens to report him to the police for the callous murder, and Fossil retorts that he'll be all over him "like a nun sandwich" if he does that.
Fossil: Your logic makes me feel like a dick!
- At the end of the radio version of Hitcher, Vince, Howard, Fossil and the People of the Box are inside the Hitcher's box. Fossil leads them through a door, which the People say is forbidden because the door leads to a living nightmare. Fossil won't have any of it, so he opens the door, and it's just a garden there. And then his brother arrives and tells him he's late for transporting Tony the Prawn. And then the rest of his family arrives...
Fossil: Mother F! This place is a living nightmare! Everybody, back in the box!
- Howard calling out the Blue King's short stature in "Fountain of Youth".
Howard: I'm just wondering why you're doing all this sort of stuff. Is it, now, and I'm going out on a limb here, because you're a little bit short?
Blue King: I'm not short! Am I? (his guard all kneel down) See? I'm a big'un!
Howard: C'mon, they're just kneeling down to make you look taller.
Blue King: I am taller than most things!
Howard: Like what?
Blue King: Chairs! Beach balls! Women on their sides!
Howard: You're technically a midget, I'm sorry to break it to you.
Blue King: I am 4' 6" without shoesies!
Howard: With the hat, maybe. Is that why you wear it? To give you a little boost?
This is all me! (removes his tall hat to reveal a long head and ridiculous combover)
Who looks foolish now?
Howard: You, you blue burke! What's that combover all about? That's not disguising the size of your head, you know.
Blue King: Oh, I am going to beat you within an inch of your life!
Howard: What with? Your forehead?
- Vince's white blood cells in "Journey to the Center of the Punk".
Howard: Give me a chance. Lead me to the brain.
White Blood Cells: We will never help you!
Howard: What if I give you sweets?
White Blood Cells: We will help you!
White Blood Cell A: No! We will not help him!
White Blood Cell B: Not even for licorice bootlaces?
White Blood Cell A: No! We will protect Vince! We are Vince!
White Blood Cells: We are all Vince!
White Blood Cell C: ...I'm not.
White Blood Cell A: What? Who're you then?
White Blood Cell C: Um, Roger Black.
White Blood Cell A: He's an athlete, you idiot.
White Blood Cell C: I am quite fast.
White Blood Cell A: You're not Roger Black, you're Vince. We all are.
- After the white blood cells all begin leading Howard to Vince's brain, the one that claimed to be fast like Roger Black is trailing along in the back.
- The Spirit of Jazz's attempt to pull a Luke, I Am Your Father on Howard.
Spirit of Jazz: You can't kill me, boy!
Spirit of Jazz: Cause I'm your father!
Spirit of Jazz: Yeah! Let it out! Let it out, boy! Release the pain! Daddy's here, come to daddy! Daddy's come for ya, boy!
Spirit of Jazz: ...I meant, uh, I'm your uncle!
Spirit: All those hours spent weepin' by the window! Bring uncle back for me!
Howard: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- What, Uncle Terry? Who works at Stansted?
Spirit of Jazz: Oh, I meant, um, your second cousin twice removed on your sisters side!
Howard: Oh, right, yeah. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Spirit of Jazz: That's right! We's family!
- In "Bollo", Vince goes to Naboo after he finds out that getting old means you might lose your hair.
Naboo: Yeah, that's true.
Vince: Oh, no way, I can't have that. You got any lotions or potions? Anything.
(Naboo grabs a frog and begins squeezing it)
Vince: Ah, I've seen this being done. You're extracting the resins from its belly.
Naboo: No, it's not that, I just don't like this frog. I'm giving him the squeeze.