Funny / The Magicians
aka: The Magicians

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Season 1:

     Episode 1 - Unauthorized Magic  

  • Quentin's introduction to Eliot:
  • This exchange, after Quentin is told that the man who was supposed to carry out his interview for Brakebills died from eating a box of Oreos:
    Quentin: Magicians can't have Oreos?
    Dean Fogg: Diabetics can't have Oreos.
  • Eliot, on Brakebills' touching devotion to student safety. He's probably paraphrasing, but you never know.
    Eliot: We all signed this waiver. Hope you read yours. It says, "Spell work is not unlikely to murder you, and if so, oh, well."
  • After Eliot calls a couple of psychic twins "losers":
    Twins: (telepathically) We heard that. Eat shit, Eliot.

     Episode 3 - Consequences of Magic  

  • The Physical Cottage door is always locked as a simple test. Kady tries knocking for a few minutes, but eventually just blasts the door down.
  • Quentin spends half the episode trying to track down volume 1 of a pair of magic books, using volume 2, which wants to get back to her mate. When they reunite, they... mate. To which Elliot replies "Love wins, bitches."
  • Penny comes up to confront Quentin on the university grounds... because he overheard him singing Taylor Swift songs in his head and wants him to shut up.

     Episode 4 - The World in the Walls  

  • While it turns dark quickly, Quentin's Genre Savvy reaction to the nightmare, and his annoyance at the fact that his magic doesn't work, is worth a chuckle.
    Quentin: I hate these kinds of dreams.
  • The horrendous rendition of "Shake it Off" that Quentin sings inside the nightmare is hilarious. Especially the Funny Background Event of Eliot motorboating Alice. The $50,000 spent to get the rights to the song was worth every cent.
  • When Penny first enters Quentin's mind, he finds a version of himself working as a janitor with a thick Indian accent and stereotypical Indian mannerisms. Remember that everything is created by Quentin.
    Penny: ...You racist motherfucker.

     Episode 5 - Mendings, Major and Minor  

  • Eliot and Margo describe the magical game as just a collection of ridiculous rules kept around out of tradition, subverting the expectation that we'd be looking at a new Quidditch.

     Episode 6 - Impractical Applications  

  • When Quentin is first kidnapped for the Trials, Margo pretends it's for a Virgin Sacrifice.
    Quentin: ...I'm not a virgin.
    Margo: Well. The world's just full of surprises.
  • In the second test, Quentin is supposed to catch a fish and is provided a bow, Penny is supposed to catch a horse and is provided an ax, Kady is supposed to catch a pheasant and is provided a net, and Alice is supposed to fell a tree and is provided rope. And yes, they all try and use these tools for their assigned tasks before realizing they're supposed to work together. The best is the brief glimpse of Alice having rigged up some bizarre system of knots and leverage in an attempt to pull down an old-growth tree.
  • After the four work together to complete the second test, Margo and Eliot reappear and explain that to finish the test they need to chop up the tree for firewood, cook the fish and the pheasant, and then take turns blowing the horse. They're joking, of course, but considering the rest of the episode, for a second it's believable they might actually make them do it.
    Margo: Oh God, did you see their faces?
    Eliot: The best was Quentin. He was like "Okay, fine, but I'm not going first."

     Episode 7 - The Mayakovsky Circumstance  

  • Mayakovsky's initial speech.
    Mayakovsky: A magician must be magic! In his blood, in his bones, in his heart, in his dick!
    Kady: [makes a face]
    Mayakovsky: Or, lady parts. Whatever.
  • After Mayakovsky cuts off Penny's anti-teleport tattoo, he makes Penny teleport over and over again while he watches, bored, drinking Vodka. At one point, Penny comes back covered in smoking ash.
    Penny: [horrified] I was in a volcano!
    Mayakovsky: But you survived! Very good. Again.
  • Margo and Eliot need a gift for the hosts of a massive party they're going to, but dismiss last year's gift (a living bag of dicks) as lame. So, they decide to make magic Gin. Except because they didn't really know what they were doing, they ended up with a djinn, a genie, under Margo's control. First thing he does is teleport away Eliot's new boyfriend due to Margo's unspoken wish that he "go back where he came from and suck on some other knob." They find him in the library where they first met him, sucking on a doorknob.
    Margo: [smirking] So literal. [pets bottle]

     Episode 8 - Follow the Yellow Trick Road  

  • Alice's Double Take when she realizes that Quentin kept count of every time they had sex while on Brakebills South.
    Alice: What we did was stress and circumstances, and pheromones.
    Quentin: The first time, but not the next four.
    Alice: You were...counting?
    Quentin: Of course I was counting.
  • After Penny teleports into a class, the teacher chews him out, and he responds by trying to seduce her. It comes very close to working. The fact that he was wet and shirtless at the time helped.
  • Turns out Eliot is actually from Indiana. From a farm in Indiana.
  • Mike claims the only country he knows much about is Texas.
    Eliot: ...Texas isn't a country.
    Mike: [sad smile] It is when you're from Texas.
  • Penny mentions that he saw Quentin and Alice's "little little" tryst in the snow. Quentin insists he was above average for a fox, and the others just roll their eyes.
  • When they're trying to figure out who would stab Penny, Penny notes that someone trying to stab Quentin makes perfect sense. "I want to stab you all the time."

     Episode 9 - The Writing Room  

  • Quentin and Alice use a spell to find the sixth Fillory book. It leads them to Penny, who had insisted back in the pilot that he didn't know anything about it. Turns out he stole it because he was bored, read it, spilled beer on it, threw it out, and got another beer. Quentin is hilariously pissed.
  • Quentin forces Penny to try and remember what he read. He gets as far as Jane hunting down a talking animal, but switches from a dog, to a big, to a ferret, doing a stupid little voice for it every time.
  • When the gang is taking the tour of the Plover house, not only does Quentin prove more knowledgeable than the tour guide, but he keeps taking selfies and practically vibrating with glee.
    Penny: You will never be a man.
  • Elliot's flask never runs out.
  • When the team needs to intimidate the tour guide when they're in the house after hours, Eliot just rolls his eyes, summons a tiny ball of lightning, and says "I'm a supervillain." It's less impressive than the sparks Julia showed Quentin in the third episode, but the tour guide is still completely terrified.
  • When they find the button and bring it back to the school, Penny is the only one who can feel magic on it. He goes to touch it, and Quentin warns him off. Penny scoffs, claiming that as a Traveler trained by Mayakovsky himself, he has complete control over when and where he teleports. He touches it and promptly disappears. Then the episode ends.
    Quentin: I told him not to do that.

     Episode 10 - Homecoming  

  • Penny contacts Quentin, and finds himself in the middle of one of Q's sex dreams, specifically one featuring a three-way with Alice (dressed like Daenerys) and Julia (dressed like slave Leia). For once, Penny is actually impressed.
    Penny: I think you might be some kind of savant.
    • From the same scene:
    Alice: If you would just shut up for about for two seconds, this sex dream would pass The Bechdel Test.
  • When Quentin is relating the story to Alice, for some reason he feels the need to mention the fact that it was a sex dream with the three of them, then hastily tries to back out of it.
    Quentin: Dreams are weird, there are talking animals smoking—whatever.
  • Eliot starts the episode drugged out of his mind, even by his standards.
    Eliot: [eyes wide open] Guys just answer me this: Are my eyes open or closed right now? [eyes still open] How about now?
  • Alice's parents are sex-crazed magicians in the middle of a Roman-style orgy when she and Quentin arrive. It takes Amazingly Embarrassing Parents to a new level.
  • Alice's father offers Quentin a fileted goat penis. "It promotes virility!"
    Alice: [deadpan] That's very thoughtful, Dad.
  • Margo starts getting sick, and it turns out she is a little bit cursed due to taking place in an "unprotected ritual." When she goes to confront her ex-boyfriend over it, it turns out he made a golem of her, but botched the spell a bit. Eliot promptly dubs the clone "Margolem."
  • Margo was planning to destroy the Margolem, but ends up keeping it, which results in it kissing Eliot for no real reason.
  • The spell to create a beacon to bring Penny back is a sex spell, and it requires simultaneous orgasms. The one teaching it asks if that's going to be a problem; Quentin says no while Alice hedges.
  • The very end, when Alice and Quentin have cast the spell, Penny has seen the beacon and jumped back in the Earth fountain... only to arrive to find them still having sex. He just rolls his eyes.
  • Stop and think about the title of the episode. Hint: It's a pun.

     Episode 11 - Remedial Battle Magic  

  • From the very first scene.
    Margo: Can we go back to the part where you popped in on them banging?
    Alice: It was for a spell.
    Margo: Hey, I ain't judging.
  • Margo and Quentin are discussing learning battle magic, and mention that it's dangerous and illegal. Eliot walks up and immediately agrees to join. "I heard the word 'illegal'."
  • Quentin is ecstatic that one of the battle magic spells is literally a magic missile.
    Quentin: That's straight up Dungeons & Dragons!
  • Kady and Julia find a vampire through an informant, and the vampire demands to know how much they gave her. Julia admits all it cost was twenty bucks.
    Julia: Guess it wasn't true love after all.
  • The ritual to remove emotions turns everyone into hilariously deadpan automatons.
    Penny: [to Quentin] I like your sweater.
    Quentin: Was that statement intended in a sarcastic way?
    Penny: No. I like your sweater, I saw no reason not to share.
    Quentin: Hm.
  • Kady and Julia go to confront a lamia with knives dipped in gold and silver, coated in shark's blood. The lamia is impressed, but complains that it's overkill.
    Julia: We didn't know which of the legends were true.
    Lamia: Damn Ivy League girls.
  • When the search for gods hits a dead end, Julia asks Richard what the plan is. He goes off on a rant about how he's going to keep trying no matter what, but she's free to leave if she wants. Julia points out that she's not leaving; they're in her house. Everyone else starts laughing, and Richard gets a look on his face saying "Oh crap, I completely forgot you're the host."

    Episode 12 - Thirty-Nine Graves 

  • The aftermath of the Margo/Elliot/Quentin threesome is mostly heartbreaking, but Penny's reactions are hilarious because no one will tell him what's going on.
    Penny: What the fuck did I walk into?
  • After Alice has sex with Penny, Quentin is (rightly) angry. But before they leave for the Neitherlands, everyone but Penny bottles up their emotions again, which changes his perspective a bit.
    Quentin: I know a moment ago I was mad, but I really think you two would make a cute couple.
  • When the librarian is listing the rules of the Library, she mentions "no food, drink, or intoxicants," then glares at Elliot. He grudgingly pulls out his flask, but she has to tug a few times to get him to let go.
  • The librarian counts emotion bottles under intoxicants, as "They always make a mess." So she takes them and breaks them, making everyone stumble as they get their emotions back. Margo's reaction is the biggest, though.
    Margo: I BUILT AN OUTFIT AROUND THAT BOTTLE!
  • Quentin informs Dean that he dosed him with a truth potion by asking him how he lost his virginity. Dean was twenty-four and too embarrassed to tell anyone, but he somehow attracted an older, much more experienced woman.
  • After Dean explains that Jane has been looping time to try and destroy the Beast, Quentin immediately asks if it's some sort of "blood-soaked Groundhog's Day."
    Dean: You always bring up that fucking movie. I still haven't seen it.
  • Julia shows Quentin the statue the goddess gave her to prove her divinity. It's crying... but not water.
    Quentin: Is that milk?
    Julia: Yeah, it's cool. ...and gross. And useless.
  • Julia admits that her recent religious experience makes her sound like a nutjob. Quentin agrees.
  • The Library of the Neitherlands is basically a hard copy of the internet.
    Margo: There's a whole wing on cat paintings.
  • Some Brakebills students went back in time to kill Hitler. Apparently, he's a serious battle magician, so he of course killed them.
  • When Julia and Quentin realize they can use the kill Hitler time portal to ultimately kill the Beast.
    Quentin: Never thought I'd say it, but thank God for Hitler.
    Julia: No... it still sounds bad.
  • The Librarian calls Margo, Janet. Because she read the book.

    Episode 13 - Have You Brought Me Little Cakes 

  • Quentin is writing his own Fillory book, and acts as Lemony Narrator the entire episode.
  • Turns out the atmosphere of Fillory is 0.02% opium. As Quentin notes, that's kind of a cheating way to get you to like a place.
  • When they realize that the moonstone blade that took seventy years to make and is needed to kill the Beast can only be wielded by a master magician... and none of them are. For a split second, it looks like Penny can use it when he picks it up, but it burns him too.
    Penny: I HATE THIS PLACE!
  • Turns out Eliot is the next High King of Fillory (Fillorian royalty can only be humans from Earth), and is forced to marry the blacksmith's daughter in exchange for the blade. Some sad moments aside (he'll be magically bound to never have sex with anyone else, and he's still gay), there is some humor.
    Eliot: According to the fine print that is not actually written down anywhere, I have a virgin farm girl to impregnate.
    Margo: Right this very second?
    Eliot: This very one.
  • Elliot finds out he's going to be High King of Fillory.
    Eliot: Well, High King. Makes certain instinctive sense, I guess.
  • "The Castle That Isn't There" is, of course, invisible. Turns out this was a budget-saving measure. The original owners had blown all their money and still had to build a castle. They decided that they could just use unfurnished builder's materials if no one could see it anyway.
  • They need to distract the guards at the castle, and Josh suggests they run while he makes a distraction. Margo just rolls her eyes and says "They're men" while unbuttoning her top. She then pretends to faint while Josh calls for the guards to help his sister using a hilariously over the top old-timey accent.
  • Ember, god and creator of Fillory, the most ancient being in the land, asks if Quentin and Julia brought him "little cakes." He's very disappointed that they didn't.
  • The Beast has trapped Ember in his own shrine, and now he's just bored.
    Ember: I've had sex with every nymph in the kingdom!
    Quentin: We're here to help.
    Ember: But you're not a nymph.
  • Ember gives Quentin a touch of his divine power so that he can wield the blade. It's a jar of something white.
    Ember: When you are ready, simply imbibe it.
    Julia: ...Is that semen?
    [beat]
    Julia and Quintin exchange disconcerted looks.
    [beat]
    [beat]
    Quentin: Thank you.
  • After Quentin has decided that Alice is the real hero of the story and passed the knife on to her, she still has to, uh, "imbibe" Ember's "power."
    Margo: Pretend it's prom night and you just wanna shut him up.

Season 2:

    Episode 1 - Knight of Crowns 

  • When the team sees the horse-drawn carriage for the King of Fillory, Alice practically cries at how beautiful they are.
    Alice: I'm sorry, I just really love horses.
  • She changes her tune after they refuse to help unless the so-called king produces a crown.
  • The tests to make sure that the aspirants for the position of High King really are from Earth.
    • The Knight of Crowns casually apologizes for dying during the long wait between aspirants.
    • The questions are bizarre pop-culture questions from the 90's ("Is it not the 90's on Earth?").
      Knight: What was the hit song made by the children of famous actors?
      Margo: ...dude. That's hella vague.
    • It ends with Eliot reciting Patrick Swayze's speech from Dirty Dancing (with help from Alice). The Knight looks like he's about to cry, and falls to his knees.
      Knight: My Lord!
  • When Eliot claims his castle, he finds that the servants have been waiting for a king for years, and are overjoyed to finally have one. Unfortunately, the castle is in shambles, there are enemies to the north and to the south, the armory has been stripped bare, and they lost the key to the throne room.

    Episode 2 - Hotel Spa Potions 

  • When the team returns to Brakebills, they find out that the cottage is missing. They spend a few minutes trying to figure out what happened before Margo remembers that it was her idea to prank the freshmen by moving it over break.
  • The team enters the cottage by Margo slamming the door open, bashing a girl who happened to be standing behind it.
    Margo: That's right, bitches. We're back. Drink. Now.
    [random kid hands her a shot glass]
  • Among the many problems Fillory is facing, without magic, the crops don't just grow on their own any more. The locals don't even know what fertilizer is. Eliot has to delve into his repressed childhood memories to teach the people the most basic farming techniques.
  • Eliot's wife wants to be helpful in any way she can, so Eliot gets all the hot guards in the castle to strip and stand by while they have sex (since Eliot can't actually have sex with any of them). Except she manages to guilt him into sending them away before they actually do it.
    Eliot: Well, life is about new experiences. I've never been pussy-whipped before.
  • The montage of them trying to find the book on battle magic that Brigsby the pixie hid in the library. There's Alice and Quentin magically compiling anagrams, Penny and the librarian magically compiling number codes, and Margo and the Dean searching the index for anything related to the book. Asking for books on "pixie pranks" gets them a hundred results.
  • When the Dean gives everyone some tricks to fight the Beast, the first step is to get very drunk, since the rest of it is unspeakably painful. Like a magical tattoo seared directly into their backs.
    Quentin: Well I guess I can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery any more.
    Penny: Are you even Jewish?
  • The Beast spends the entire episode using magic to sing, complete with an accompanying instrumental score.

    Episode 3 - Divine Elimination 

  • Eliot is disappointed at everything he missed while he was stuck in Fillory.
    Eliot: You all got matching tramp stamps?
    Alice: Wouldn't those be on our lower backs?
  • The Beast's curse turns out to be lethal paranoia, triggered when the royals sit on the thrones. Quentin, Alice, Margo, and Eliot spend the first half of the episode loudly plotting to assassinate each other, to the exasperation of Penny and the palace staff.
    • Eliot is the first affected, and accuses the others of being usurpers... and then he says it again with a different pronunciation, because he can't remember which is right.
    • Eliot grabs the first servant he sees, a man with his hands full of maps, and tries to rope him into the plot.
      Eliot: I need a knife. A stiletto, really, something I can sneak up and stab somebody with, but you know... regal.
      Cartographer: ...I draw maps, sir.
      Eliot: C'mon, hasn't anyone ever burst into your chambers and stabbed a knife into a map to make a point?
    • Penny threatens Quentin and Margo with a crossbow to get them to stop killing each other. Margo smugly says she's enchanted—and indeed, we saw Quentin's bolt miss her moments earlier. Penny just shoots her in the ass.
      Penny: Your enchantment is shit.
      Margo: You shot me, you cock!
      Quentin: Why didn't you shoot her in the neck, the carotid is right there!
    • Penny tells everyone his plan to end the curse by stopping their hearts (killing them) with shots of drugs, then revive them with shots of adrenaline. While he is distracted by his numb hands, Margo grabs one of the syringes and kills Quentin, then the others grab the other shots and start fighting.
      Fen: I suppose this is one way to get the killing bit over with.
      Penny: Yeah. This is what I was planning.
    • Margo wins, grins in triumph... and then stabs herself with the last syringe.
      Penny: That is one thorough fucking curse.
      Fen: Is it wrong to say that I find her death extremely satisfying?
  • Quentin tries to explain how they'll use a low-level shield spell to protect Alice while she casts by having all three of them cast it at once.
    Quentin: Imagine dicks. With one dick, you're just jerking yourself off, but with three, you've got six people having sex.
    Margo: ...and that makes it more powerful? I think your metaphor literally made no fucking sense.
    Quentin: It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to distract you long enough for Alice to power up the spell.
    Eliot: ...I see what you did there.
  • Margo jokingly says she'll have sex with the horses if they'll get them to the Beast in time.
    Quentin: Check the volume, I think those are talking horses.
    Margo: [looks at horses sideways] ...offer stands.
    [horse snorts]
  • The Beast, injured, returns to the Wellspring for a powerup only to find that Ember shat in it. What follows is Ember giving him about fifty different puns for defecation, including "divine elimination."
    Ember: Am I being too subtle for you?
    • After Ember leaves the Beast takes a step forward and immediately stumbles back choking. Apparently it was quite the stinker.
      The Beast: You're no god! You're a farm animal! You're a farm animal!

    Episode 4 - The Flying Forest 

  • When Margo and Eliot are watching a centaur fix up Quentin.
    Margo: I know we're being serious right now, but that surgeon has the biggest dick.
    Eliot: [solemn nod]
  • Eliot is kind of a terrible king, which isn't funny, since Fillory really needs a good king. His childish reaction to is good for a few laughs, though.
    Eliot: I just want everyone to stop wanting things.
    Fen: I guess this is a bad time to ask for something?
    Eliot: Your father makes knives for a living and knows where I sleep, so... ask away.
  • Fen, as it turns out, really likes sex. She spends most of the episode going from hinting loudly to straight-up asking Eliot for sex.
    Fen: I don't know how to politely ask you to fuck me.
  • Eliot signs the letter to Quentin "Your benevolent overlord, High King Eliot."
  • The centaur surgeon randomly gets a weird look on his face while talking to Penny.
    Penny: Are you... shitting?
  • Penny refers to the centaurs as "bronies."
  • Since the centaurs won't help, Penny enlists Quentin's aid to chop off his hands. It starts with getting Penny drunk on centaur beer (which is really strong), and Quentin wusses out at the last second. Then Penny says "no wonder you couldn't get Alice off—" and Quentin immediately starts chopping. It takes him a few tries, with Penny screaming the whole time.
    • Penny had been reassuring Quentin he was too drunk to feel anything. The moment the first fingers came off he yelled he could feel it and Quentin yells he can fix it - by chopping even faster while they're both screaming.
  • The "Flying Forest" is supposed to have trees that fly. It actually has a drug-fog, making anyone who goes into it feel like they're flying.
    Penny: Listen Quincy, if we get a tree—
    Quentin: You just call me Quincy?
    Penny: Is... that not your name?
  • Eliot explaining the problems with the Wellspring to the Dean, and how Ember underestimated how difficult it would be to clean up.
    Dean: Now magic is failing on Earth... because of shit. Proving once again that comedy and tragedy can coexist in the same goddamn sentence.
    • Earlier the Dean had been consulting with Pearl about his issues with magic and she mentioned a few brown outs, but had been blaming them on the Xanax. When he asks how often, she responds two a day when she can get her hands on it before realizing he meant the magic.
  • Eliot has a heart-to-heart with the Dean about being High King.
    Eliot: I'm in way over my head. I don't even have any control what world I'm awake in, and my sexually aggressive wife, she could wake me up in Fillory at any moment.
    Dean: [cough] Eliot, there are certain student-teacher boundaries which I prefer not to cross.
  • The Dean helps Eliot decide that he has no choice but to stay in Fillory, but promises to bring in as many historians, political advisers, and shamans as possible to help him become a good king.
    Dean: Your thesis project is: "How to save an entire god-damn world."
  • The drugs of the Flying Forest put Quentin and Penny in an amnesia loop for hours until Quentin finds Alice's necklace, which he dropped.
    Quentin: This is a girl's. I wonder if I'm supposed to be rescuing her.
    Penny: [genuinely curious] What if you're just a stalker?

    Episode 5 - Cheat Day 

  • Penny goes to see Mayakovsky about his hands. He gets caught in a levitation trap and just hangs there for who knows how long until Mayakovsky wanders by and unceremoniously drops him.
  • Julia and Kady looking for clues about Reynard's banishment forty years ago in old newspapers.
    Julia: Just look for any strange events or aberrations.
    Kady: ...that is literally the definition of news.
  • Fillorian pregnancy tests consist of a magical rabbit that says "pregnant!"
  • Eliot initially assumes the assassin is from a neighboring kingdom, and is surprised to find that he's a native Fillorian.
    Eliot: My own people are trying to kill me? How very... French.
  • The sloth recommends a variant of quartering with four centaurs plus a fifth who does something with a stake.
    Margo: That sloth is psychotic.
  • Margo and Eliot are offended by their advisers dismissing the assassin as an unimportant commoner.
    Margo: When we're the least snobby people in the room, there's something wrong with the room.
  • Mayakovsky's initial assessment of Penny's hands.
    Penny: They're useless, right?
    Mayakovsky: Well, maybe not... useless. You can still grab hold of things, rub away a lonely night...
    Penny: Okay, but for magic?
    Mayakovsky: Magic? Useless.
  • The assassin belongs to a group called Fillorians United, and proudly refers to himself as a FU-fighter. Margo can't stop giggling.
  • Mayakovsky's bizarre tasks for Penny: First, untie a massive pile of knotted ropes. Then, file a giant table to sawdust with one tiny little hand file.
  • A coworker at Quentin's new job suggests masturbating after hours, and when Emily comes in she assumes that's what he was doing.
    Emily: Were you masturbating? It's okay, I do it too.
    Quentin: What is with this place?

    Episode 6 - The Cock Barrens 

  • The episode starts with Quentin doing a bizarre series of dances while Eliot and Margo watch. It's an attempt to summon Alice's niffin using something dear to her heart.
    Eliot: Oh, it's a sex thing.
    Quentin: No, it's Cirque du Soleil.
    Eliot: You and Alice had sex to Cirque du Soleil?
  • As Fen is trying to tell Eliot about the FU-fighter, he drinks something and spits it out.
    Eliot: What the actual horrifying fuck is this?
    Dwarf: You asked for a unicorn milk latte.
    Eliot: I was joking! ...wait, you guys actually milked a unicorn?
  • Penny needs his special moss, so he asks Eliot to point him towards the royal botanist.
    Eliot: We had one, but he was... eaten on the job.
    Penny: [jokingly] By what, a plant?
    Eliot: [level stare]
    Penny: I hate. This. Place.
  • Eliot and Margo are introduced to an ambassador, Princess of Loria. Or rather, Prince Ess.
  • Turns out Ess' mother is from Cincinnati. Seems Fillory isn't the only kingdom with children of Earth in charge.
  • Ess asks for a fair treaty with Fillory in exchange for the hand of "the virgin queen" Margo. Eliot giggles helplessly, but Margo is pissed.
    Margo: Did he just call me a virgin?
  • When the castle disappears, the cartographer is more interested that the maps are all wrong now, and starts frantically erasing.
    Penny: You do know there are people in there, right?
    Cartographer: You do know that as of now, there are no accurate maps of the castle?
    • Just as the cartographer finishes correcting his last map, the castle reappears behind him.
      Cartographer: [defeated] This is the worst day of my life.
  • Penny contacts Margo in her dreams... and it's a bog-standard naked test anxiety dream.
    Margo: If you tell anyone about this—
    Penny: Don't worry, I'd much rather have you owe me a huge favor.
  • Margo describes the rock formations outside the castle as a bunch of stone cocks. When Penny mentions this to the cartographer, he immediately identifies them as the Cock Barrens of Loria.
  • At the end, Margo is still pissed, and declares war on Loria.
    Eliot: [confident] Yes! [deflated] ...wait, really?

    Episode 7 - Plan B 

  • The Korean magicians who perform exorcisms in the back of a butcher's shop. They magically scan Julia by waving knives at her for a few minutes, and then angrily yell at each other in Korean.
  • The Brakebills healer quietly freaks out over Julia's god-pregnancy.
    Professor Lipson: Have you seen the Twilight movies? Specifically the last one?
    Julia: No.
    Professor Lipson: That's probably for the best.
  • Since Alice spends the entire episode invisible to everyone but Quentin (and doing everything she can to annoy him into freeing her), everyone is confused as to why he keeps getting interrupted by no one and glaring at empty space.
  • When Quentin says he'll do anything he can to help Julia with her Renard situation.
    Julia: ...help us rob a bank.
    Alice: Oh my god yes. Say yes!
  • The book Penny is looking for was written by a Polish Jew, and was destroyed by the eugenics books.
    Librarian: They're locked up in the restricted section now, with the rest of the anti-Semitic texts.
  • Fillory never had to worry about money before, since the "nugget beetles" in the outer islands shit precious metals. But with Ember befouling the Wellspring, there wasn't enough magic for them to survive, and they went extinct.
  • Margo takes charge on the heist because she robbed a bank once in her senior year of high school.
    Margo: I had some issues.
  • How do they empty the bank? By summoning a swarm of bees, and then entering disguised as beekeepers.
  • Quentin falls over trying to take his beekeeper mask off.
  • Two guards missed the evacuation order because they were having sex in the closet. Elliott gets rid of them with the "wrecking ball," a disco ball the size of a grenade that turns out the lights, starts playing "I am the best", and compels everyone to dance.
    Elliott: I invented it to make some people dance at the cottage parties, but it came out a little... strong.
  • The on-staff battle magicians looks like an old librarian, and she's eating lunch when the alarm sounds.

    Episode 8 - Word as Bond 

  • Due to a complication with the exorcism, Julia lost her shade, the part of her soul that lets her feel remorse and pain. Just as Kady and Quentin are worried about what's going to happen to her, she comes down the stairs singing.
  • Black comedy, but Julia insists she doesn't need to hide behind wards because Reynard would have killed her already if he cared. He finds her the second she steps outside of Brakebills.
  • Quentin looking over the books on magic that Alice was reading. They're old religious texts, with secret magic notes in the margins because apparently they got bored just copying the same thing over and over again.
    Alice: A lot of priests dabbled in magic. Some exploded.
  • Alice knows a way to look into the past, so Quentin has to negotiate with her right in front of Penny and Kady. He tells them a bizarre story about how they used to study together and bargain for extra time. Then it turns out that the answer he was looking for was blatantly obvious, and he could have figured it out without dealing with Alice if she hadn't been distracting him.
  • At the end, the ritual to move Eliot's consciousness from the golem to his real body has failed. Fen is angry and tearful, but Margo solemnly vows to fulfill every promise Eliot made to her, even if she has to hunt down Ember and make him change the rules on royalty. Then Eliot wakes up, to her exasperation.
    Margo: Nice of you to come back, asshole.
  • After Kady spends the entire episode trying to get rid of Penny, he bluntly tells her she can't decide whether he thinks she's worth spending time on.
    Penny: I love you, okay? Deal.
  • When Penny and Kady finally confront Quentin on how weird he's been acting and how his wards are actually solid for once, Kady says that he has to accept that they care about him, because they're the closest thing to family he has. Then she knocks him out in one punch.
    Kady: Glass jaw. Knew it. [to Penny] What are you waiting for? Incept his ass!
    Penny: I'll give it to you, you're practical.

    Episode 9 - Lesser Evils 

  • Eliot and Margo are the least popular royals in Fillorian history. Considering what we've heard of previous rulers, that's pretty bad.
    Margo: Thank God they don't have polls here.
  • A werewolf in the cell next to Quentin insists that he just has "sexually transmitted lycanthropy."
  • The advisers tell Eliot that if he wins the duel, he'll be consider the greatest ruler in Fillorian history, and he gets a far off look in his eyes.
    Margo: God. He's already seeing the statues.
  • Fen gives Eliot a magical sword forged for a previous royal.
    Fen: My grandpa was the royal family's favorite swordsmith because he knew... ah...
    Eliot: That they were too lazy to learn?
    Fen: Too preoccupied with matters of state. For busywork.
  • Margo needs advice and turns to the one member of her council she trusts more than any other: The psychotic sloth.
  • When they go to meet Reynard's son (who is a famous US senator), Julia reveals that she was planning to murder him and trap the resultant energy in a containment device.
    Penny: We are not killing a US senator! [sigh] ...but we will commit a felony almost as bad.
  • One of the Physical Kids sees Kady and Penny stuffing Reynard's son into a closet.
  • Margo uses a spell to turn the castle into a musical to get Eliot pumped up for the duel.
  • In the middle of the duel, Eliot is doing surprisingly well, and the enemy king just runs off into the trees.
    Eliot: ...can he do that?
    Ess: Kings can do as they like.
    Margo: He ran away like a bitch, so that means it's over, right?
    Ess: It is not over until one king is dead. You know what my other favorite musical is? Into the Woods.
    Eliot: [rolls eyes and runs after him]
  • When Reynard's son starts hearing his voice in his head, they bring him to the infirmary.
    Professor Lipson: ...is that Senator Gaines?
    Dean: [deadpan] Probably? I mean, why not?
  • The Lorian King finds Eliot hiding on top of a tree because the magic went out, so he starts chopping down the tree with his sword. A few scenes later, he's tired, hasn't made much progress, so he and Eliot banter about all the annoying parts of their kingdoms while he takes a rest.
    Lorian King: At least you don't have to worry about growing old.
    Eliot: Excuse me, I would age like a fine wine... and you are a total DILF.
  • Eliot reveals that he found a solution that doesn't involve killing the king.
    Eliot: We're getting married.
    Fen: Wait, what?

    Episode 10 - The Girl Who Told Time 

  • While only a few days have passed on Earth, months have passed in Fillory, and Eliot has spent that entire time getting increasingly frazzled at planning his wedding. He ends up exiling a servant forever for giving him sub-par food.
  • Quentin has finally reclaimed his Fillorian throne... and has spent the last few months drunk off his ass, until Margo finally gets tired of it.
    Quentin: You never yell at Eliot for being drunk.
    Margo: That's because Eliot's fun.
  • Margo assigns Quentin as Eliot's errand boy because she needs some time to herself.
    Margo: I need a free moment to rub one out in a hot bath before I fucking kill someone—that someone being you.
  • Kady is worried about Penny's duties with the Librarians, but he assures her that he won't be starting the job any time soon; the Library takes a minimum of four weeks for just a basic book loan. Then they walk through a door and find themselves in the Library, where the Librarian cheerfully tells Penny that they finished processing his application.
    Penny: ...shit.
  • Eliot has taken to playing backgammon with Bailor (the FU-fighter who tried to kill him) and complaining about how the people don't like him.
  • How does Eliot know the people don't like him? Nate Silver is a magician, and Eliot used one of his polling spells to get an accurate approval rating.
  • Josh has been spending his time at Brakebills selling magical drugs.
    Josh: This is like being hugged by a rainbow, this is like being blown by a rainbow. Do not mix these up.
  • When Quentin returns to Fillory, he finds Eliot arranging pieces on a complicated board.
    Quentin: Holy shit, are we at war?
    Eliot: I wish we were at war. These are the place setting for the wedding—much more dangerous.
  • When Quentin says he needs to go back to Earth to help Julia, Eliot gives him a big hug, which Quentin accepts awkwardly.
    Eliot: If you miss my wedding, I will kill you.
  • When Penny and Kady go to collect an overdue book, the woman starts gesturing, and he throws himself to the ground like she just pulled out a bazooka. Turns out it's sign language; she's deaf.
  • Half of clickbait consists of magical spells hidden under illusions to get it out to magicians who need it. The rest is just clickbait.
  • Josh was working on a potion to make people like Eliot and accidentally made it way too strong, resulting in the dishwasher lapsing into a euphoric coma. Josh then stuck him in the armoire and left him there for hours.
    Eliot: ...why is he in the armoire?
    Josh: Because I'm not good in a crisis, okay?
    Eliot: How are you ever a drug dealer?
  • Quentin logically assumes that the magical Teslaflexion device was made by Nikola Tesla. It was actually made by some guy named Fred Flexion.

    Episode 11 - The Rattening 

  • Quentin and Julia track down a dragon to help them enter the Underworld. Much like the White Lady she's not really hung up on niceties.
    Dragon: You have 24 hours to return to the portal.
    Quentin: Or...
    Dragon: I sit patiently, waiting for you to come back. No, I eat you, I'm a fucking dragon, what do you expect?
  • After sending them on their way, the dragon expresses her opinion of the current crop of magicians.
    Dragon: Fucking Millenials.
  • Penny is having trouble with the new type of magic he's learning on several levels.
    Head Librarian: It’s an exceedingly difficult way to do magic, trying to isolate muscles not generally associated with—
    Penny: Call it what it is. Sphincter magic. If it gets me there, no shame.
    Head Librarian: And if it doesn’t, we all need a healthy pelvic floor.
  • When half the castle randomly turns into rats, the sloth's translator tearfully bemoans "Why didn't I learn Rat in school?" The best part is his tone makes it clear he isn't being facetious; that really was an option, which he chose to skip. Given he's translating for a sloth, it's possible.
  • Eliot drugs the last two members of his council (and Margo) with truth serum, leading one to admit he's stealing from the treasury, and the other that he's been hiring out the royal guards as an escort service.
    Eliot: Ew, gross. And clever.

    Episode 12 - Ramifications 

  • Eliot is more stunned than anything when he learns about Quentin trading the button away.
    Eliot: You gave our only means of traveling to Fillory to fucking Trogdor?
    • During their next scene he refers to her as Puff the Magic Dragon.
  • Josh, as the last Earthling in Fillory, becomes High King in more than one way. He rules based on a great leader's philosophy: Hakuna Matata... right up until Prince Ess kills his guards.
    Josh: Hakuna Matata has failed me.
  • Sylvia has been entertaining herself by reading the books of famous celebrities. Kanye West really is misunderstood, apparently.
  • Umber reveals that the reason only Earthlings can rule Fillory is because the whole planet is just one big reality show for Ember. Eliot got exiled because his attempts to rule well were too boring.
  • Umber mentions that Ember staged a competition for all the animals and only granted speech to the sexiest, while he clearly made the centaurs while drunk.
  • Why did Ember turn half the people into rats? It's been on his bucket list for centuries.
  • Umber shows Quentin and Eliot his idea for his next world: A cube-shaped world he calls Cuba.
    Eliot: That's already a place.
    Umber: ...are you sure?
    Eliot: Definitely.
    • And then he's hilariously disappointed.
    • Prior to that he was taking a survey to see what he should include in his next world.
      Umber: What is it that you enjoy about Fillory?
      Quentin: It reminds me of a time before I realized how shitty being an adult is.
      Eliot: And there’s opium in the air.
  • Umber is a force of order, so of course he has every season of Law & Order on DVD. He refers to it as the most perfect show in all of existence.

    Episode 13 - We Have Brought You Little Cakes 

  • It's a bit horrifying, but all the terrible things Ember has done to Fillory—banishing Martin after he was raped, breaking the Wellspring's filtration systems, allowing Fen to get pregnant—were all to make the world more interesting. He describes it all in exactly the same way that a writer would, going on about themes and character arcs.
  • Ember calls Fillory "intricate as filigree," and that's what he meant to name it. Unfortunately, he was drunk at the time.
  • After Penny discovers he is dying because he entered the Poison Room, he gets called back to the Library. They know he's dying; they just don't think that's a good excuse to skip work.
  • When Quentin shows up at Umber's, he calls him a "sad little nerd king."
  • When Margo loses her eye to escape the fairy realm, she gets a bejeweled eye patch.
    Margo: I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man.
    Eliot: I was thinking more fembot Nick Fury.
  • Eliot and Margo stage a party to attract Ember's attention. It's terrible.
    Eliot: I had better orgies when I was ten.
  • Umber's world is incredibly boring, with perfect streets and symetrical buildings all laid out in perfect rows. The restaurant is so perfectly furnished that Quentin only has exactly enough space to pull his chair back. He's clearly struggling to find a way to describe everything without insulting Umber.
  • While Umber and Quentin are in Umber's miniature world, Julia just steals it and brings it to Fillory.
  • Quentin manages to get Alice to accept being human by putting a plate of excellent bacon in front of her.
    Quentin: Gluttony. It's an excellent part of being human.
  • How do The Elder Gods "turn off" all magic? By sending a plumber. As in, an actual literal plumber in uniform who opens a box in the air, turns a wretch and all magic is switched off like a siphon.
    Quentin: So, you mean a real plumber? Like a Mario of the Elder Gods?

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