Funny / The Magicians
aka: The Magicians

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     Episode 1 - Unauthorized Magic  

  • This exchange, after Quentin is told that the man who was supposed to carry out his interview for Brakebills died from eating a box of Oreos:
    Quentin: Magicians can't have Oreos?
    Dean Fogg: Diabetics can't have Oreos.
  • Elliot, on Brakebills' touching devotion to student safety. He's probably paraphrasing, but you never know.
    Elliot: We all signed this waiver. Hope you read yours. It says, "Spellwork is not unlikely to murder you, and if so, oh, well."
  • After Elliot calls a couple of psychic twins "losers":
    Twins: (telepathically) We heard that. Eat shit, Elliot.

     Episode 3 - Consequences of Magic  

  • The Physical Cottage door is always locked as a simple test. Kady tries knocking for a few minutes, but eventually just blasts the door down.
  • Quentin spends half the episode trying to track down volume 1 of a pair of magic books, using volume 2, which wants to get back to her mate. When they reunite, they... mate.
  • Penny comes up to confront Quentin in the schoolyard...because he overheard him singing Taylor Swift songs in his head and wants him to shut up.

     Episode 4 - The World in the Walls  

  • While it turns dark quickly, Quentin's Genre Savvy reaction to the nightmare, and his annoyance at the fact that his magic doesn't work, is worth a chuckle.
    Quentin: I hate these kinds of dreams.
  • The horrendous rendition of "Shake it Off" that Quentin sings inside the nightmare is hilarious. Especially the Funny Background Event of Elliot motorboating Alice. The $50,000 spent to get the rights to the song was worth every cent.
  • When Penny first enters Quentin's mind, he finds a version of himself working as a janitor with a thick Indian accent and stereotypical Indian mannerisms. Remember that everything is created by Quentin.
    Penny: ...You racist motherfucker.

     Episode 5 - Mendings, Major and Minor  

  • Elliot and Margo describe the magical game as just a collection of ridiculous rules kept around out of tradition, subverting the expectation that we'd be looking at a new Quidditch.

     Episode 6 - Impractical Applications  

  • When Quentin is first kidnapped for the Trials, Margo pretends it's for a Virgin Sacrifice.
    Quentin: ...I'm not a virgin.
    Margo: Well. The world's just full of surprises.
  • In the second test, Quentin is supposed to catch a fish and is provided a bow, Penny is supposed to catch a horse and is provided an axe, Kady is supposed to catch a pheasant and is provided a net, and Alice is supposed to fell a tree and is provided rope. And yes, they all try and use these tools for their assigned tasks before realizing they're supposed to work together. The best is the brief glimpse of Alice having rigged up some bizarre system of knots and leverage in an attempt to pull down an old-growth tree.
  • After the four work together to complete the second test, Margo and Elliot reappear and explain that to finish the test they need to chop up the tree for firewood, cook the fish and the pheasant, and then take turns blowing the horse. They're joking, of course, but considering the rest of the episode, for a second it's believable they might actually make them do it.
    Margo: Oh God, did you see their faces?
    Elliot: The best was Quentin. He was like "Okay, fine, but I'm not going first."

     Episode 7 - The Mayakovsky Circumstance  

  • Mayakovsky's initial speech.
    Mayakovsky: A magician must be magic! In his blood, in his bones, in his heart, in his dick!
    Kady: [makes a face]
    Mayakovsky: Or, ladyparts.
  • After Mayakovsky cuts off Penny's anti-teleport tattoo, he makes Penny teleport over and over again while he watches, bored, drinking Vodka. At one point, Penny comes back covered in smoking ash.
    Penny: [horrified] I was in a volcano!
    Mayakovsky: But you survived! Very good. Again.
  • Margo and Elliot need a gift for the hosts of a massive party they're going to, but dismiss last year's gift (a living bag of dicks) as lame. So, they decide to make magic Gin. Except because they didn't really know what they were doing, they ended up with a djinn, a genie, under Margo's control. First thing he does is teleport away Elliot's new boyfriend due to Margo's unspoken wish that he "go back where he came from and suck on some other knob." They find him in the library where they first met him, sucking on a doorknob.
    Margo: [smirking] So literal. [pets bottle]

     Episode 8 - Follow the Yellow Trick Road  

  • Alice's Double Take when she realizes that Quentin kept count of every time they had sex while on Brakebills South.
    Alice: What we did was stress and circumstances, and pheromones.
    Quentin: The first time, but not the next four.
    Alice: You were...counting?
    Quentin: Of course I was counting.
  • After Penny teleports into a class, the teacher chews him out, and he responds by trying to seduce her. It comes very close to working. The fact that he was wet and shirtless at the time helped.
  • Turns out Elliot is actually from Indiana. From a farm in Indiana.
  • Mike claims the only country he knows much about is Texas.
    Elliot: ...Texas isn't a country.
    Mike: [sad smile] It is when you're from Texas.
  • Penny mentions that he saw Quentin and Alice's "little little" tryst in the snow. Quentin insists he was above average for a fox, and the others just roll their eyes.
  • When they're trying to figure out who would stab Penny, Penny notes that someone trying to stab Quentin makes perfect sense. "I want to stab you all the time."

     Episode 9 - The Writing Room  

  • Quentin and Alice use a spell to find the sixth Fillory book. It leads them to Penny, who had insisted back in the pilot that he didn't know anything about it. Turns out he stole it because he was bored, read it, spilled beer on it, threw it out, and got another beer. Quentin is hilariously pissed.
  • Quentin forces Penny to try and remember what he read. He gets as far as Jane hunting down a talking animal, but switches from a dog, to a big, to a ferret, doing a stupid little voice for it every time.
  • When the gang is taking the tour of the Pluver house, not only does Quentin prove more knowledgeable than the tour guide, but he keeps taking selfies and practically vibrating with glee.
    Penny: You will never be a man.
  • Elliot's flask never runs out.
  • When the team needs to intimidate the tour guide when they're in the house after hours, Elliot just rolls his eyes, summons a tiny ball of lightning, and says "I'm a supervillain." It's less impressive than the sparks Julia showed Quentin in the third episode, but the tour guide is still completely terrified.
  • When they find the button and bring it back to the school, Penny is the only one who can feel magic on it. He goes to touch it, and Quentin warns him off. Penny scoffs, claiming that as a Traveler trained by Mayakovsky himself, he has complete control over when and where he teleports. He touches it and promptly disappears. Then the episode ends.
    Quentin: I told him not to do that.

     Episode 10 - Homecoming  

  • Penny contacts Quentin, and finds himself in the middle of one of Q's sex dreams, specifically one featuring a three-way with Alice (dressed like Daenerys) and Julia (dressed like slave Leia). For once, Penny is actually impressed.
    Penny: I think you might be some kind of savant.
    • From the same scene:
    Alice: If you would just shut up for about for two seconds, this sex dream would pass the Bechdel Test.
  • When Quentin is relating the story to Alice, for some reason he feels the need to mention the fact that it was a sex dream with the three of them, then hastily tries to back out of it.
    Quentin: Dreams are weird, there are talking animals smoking—whatever.
  • Elliot starts the episode drugged out of his mind, even by his standards.
    Elliot: [eyes wide open] Guys just answer me this: Are my eyes open or closed right now? [eyes still open] How about now?
  • Alice's parents are sex-crazed magicians in the middle of a Roman-style orgy when she and Quentin arrive. It takes Amazingly Embarrassing Parents to a new level.
  • Alice's father offers Quentin a fileted goat penis. "It promotes virility!"
    Alice: [deadpan] That's very thoughtful, Dad.
  • Margo starts getting sick, and it turns out she is a little bit cursed due to taking place in an "unprotected ritual." When she goes to confront her ex-boyfriend over it, it turns out he made a golem of her, but botched the spell a bit. Elliot promptly dubs the clone "Margolem."
  • Margo was planning to destroy the Margolem, but ends up keeping her, which results in it kissing Elliot for no real reason.
  • The spell to create a beacon to bring Penny back is a sex spell, and it requires simultaneous orgasms. The one teaching it asks if that's going to be a problem; Quentin says no while Alice hedges.
  • The very end, when Alice and Quentin have cast the spell, Penny has seen the beacon and jumped back in the Earth fountain... only to arrive to find them still having sex. He just rolls his eyes.
  • Stop and think about the title of the episode. Hint: It's a pun.

     Episode 11 - Remedial Battle Magic  

  • From the very first scene.
    Margo: Can we go back to the part where you popped in on them banging?
    Alice: It was for a spell.
    Margo: Hey, I ain't judging.
  • Margo and Quentin are discussing learning battle magic, and mention that it's dangerous and illegal. Elliot walks up and immediately agrees to join. "I heard the word illegal."
  • Quentin is ecstatic that one of the battle magic spells is literally a magic missile.
    Quentin: That's straight up Dungeons & Dragons!
  • Kady and Julia find a vampire through an informant, and the vampire demands to know how much they gave her. Julia admits all it cost was twenty bucks.
    Julia: Guess it wasn't true love after all.
  • The ritual to remove emotions turns everyone into hilariously deadpan automatons.
    Penny: [to Quentin] I like your sweater.
    Quentin: Was that statement intended in a sarcastic way?
    Penny: No. I like your sweater, I saw no reason not to share.
    Quentin: Hm.
  • Kady and Julia go to confront a lamia with knives dipped in gold and silver, coated in shark's blood. The lamia is impressed, but complains that it's overkill.
    Julia: We didn't know which of the legends were true.
    Lamia: Damn Ivy League girls.
  • When the search for gods hits a dead end, Julia asks Richard what the plan is. He goes off on a rant about how he's going to keep trying no matter what, but she's free to leave if she wants. Julia points out that she's not leaving; they're in her house. Everyone else starts laughing, and Richard gets a look on his face saying "Oh crap, I completely forgot you're the host."

    Episode 12 - Thirty-Nine Graves 

  • The aftermath of the Margo/Elliot/Quentin threesome is mostly heartbreaking, but Penny's reactions are hilarious because no one will tell him what's going on.
    Penny: What the fuck did I walk into?
  • After Alice has sex with Penny, Quentin is (rightly) angry. But before they leave for the Neitherlands, everyone but Penny bottles up their emotions again, which changes his perspective a bit.
    Quentin: I know a moment ago I was mad, but I really think you two would make a cute couple.
  • When the librarian is listing the rules of the Library, she mentions "no food, drink, or intoxicants," then glares at Elliot. He grudgingly pulls out his flask, but she has to tug a few times to get him to let go.
  • The librarian counts emotion bottles under intoxicants, as "They always make a mess." So she takes them and breaks them, making everyone stumble as they get their emotions back. Margo's reaction is the biggest, though.
  • Quentin informs Dean that he dosed him with a truth potion by asking him how he lost his virginity. Dean was twenty-four and too embarrassed to tell anyone, but he somehow attracted an older, much more experienced woman.
  • After Dean explains that Jane has been looping time to try and destroy the Beast, Quentin immediately asks if it's some sort of "blood-soaked Groundhog's Day."
    Dean: You always bring up that fucking movie. I still haven't seen it.
  • Julia shows Quentin the statue the goddess gave her to prove her divinity. It's crying... but not water.
    Quentin: Is that milk?
    Julia: Yeah, it's cool. ...and gross. And useless.
  • Julia admits that her recent religious experience makes her sound like a nutjob. Quentin agrees.
  • The Library of the Neitherlands is basically a hard copy of the internet.
    Margo: There's a whole wing on cat paintings.
  • Some Brakebills students went back in time to kill Hitler. Apparently, he's a serious battle magician, so he of course killed them.
  • When Julia and Quentin realize they can use the kill Hitler time portal to ultimately kill the Beast.
    Quentin: Never thought I'd say it, but thank God for Hitler.
    Julia: No... it still sounds bad.
  • The Librarian calls Margo, Janet. Because she read the book.

    Episode 13 - Have You Brought Me Little Cakes 

  • Quentin is writing his own Fillory book, and acts as Lemony Narrator the entire episode.
  • Turns out the atmosphere of Fillory is 0.02% opium. As Quentin notes, that's kind of a cheating way to get you to like a place.
  • When they realize that the moonstone blade that took seventy years to make and is needed to kill the Beast can only be wielded by a master magician... and none of them are. For a split second, it looks like Penny can use it when he picks it up, but it burns him too.
  • Turns out Eliot is the next High King of Fillory (Filloran royalty can only be humans from Earth), and is forced to marry the blacksmith's daughter in exchange for the blade. Some sad moments aside (he'll be magically bound to never have sex with anyone else, and he's still gay), there is some humor.
    Eliot: According to the fine print that is not actually written down anywhere, I have a virgin farm girl to impregnate.
    Margo: Right this very second?
    Eliot: This very one.
  • "The Castle That Isn't There" is, of course, invisible. Turns out this was a budget-saving measure. The original owners had blown all their money and still had to build a castle. They decided that they could just use unfurnished builder's materials if no one could see it anyway.
  • They need to distract that guards at the castle, and Josh suggests they run while he makes a distraction. Margo just rolls her eyes and says "They're men" while unbuttoning her top. She then pretends to faint while Josh calls for the guards to help his sister using a hilariously over the top old-timey accent.
  • Ember, god and creator of Fillory, the most ancient being in the land, asks if Quentin and Julia brought him "little cakes." He's very disappointed that they didn't.
  • The Beast has trapped Ember in his own shrine, and now he's just bored.
    Ember: I've had sex with every nymph in the kingdom!
    Quentin: We're here to help.
    Ember: But you're not a nymph.
  • Ember gives Quentin a touch of his divine power so that he can wield the blade. It's a jar of something white.
    Ember: When you are ready, simply imbibe it.
    Julia: that semen?
    Quentin: Thank you.
  • After Quentin has decided that Alice is the real hero of the story and passed the knife on to her, she still has to, uh, "imbibe" Ember's "power."
    Margo: Pretend it's prom night and you just wanna shut him up.