- Charly/Sam and Caitlin are trapped in the freezer, and Charly is about to break them out:
Caitlin: Mommy, am I gonna die?.
Charly/Samantha: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die... they are. (lights the match) Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
- When Mitch first meets Sam in the "Charly" persona, and she rips off his bandage after distracting him by showing him her breasts. She says it's "the same principle as with deflowering virgins":
Charly: I read it in this Harold Robbins novel. The guy bites her on the ear, distracts her from the pain. You ever try that?
Mitch: (stares incredulously) No, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell "pop goes the weasel!"
- The look Mitch gives Caitlin when she says "Don't hit the cars!" as they drive away from a massive explosion and burning wrecks are raining down around them.
- Mitch and Sam are running from assassins and take cover on a landing.
Mitch (slightly panicked) OK I've got three shots left in the revolver, you've got a full clip, just point, and spray.
(Grenade lands next to them)
Mitch (very panicked) Fuck it, run for your life!
- They escape said grenade by running down the hallway and jumping through the window after Sam shoots it using Mitch's revolver; then, in midair, Sam uses her MP-5 to shoot the frozen lake below them to break up the ice.
Sam (dazed, as they climb out of the lake): What happened?!
Mitch: I saved your life! It was great!
- Waldman's conversation with his wife.
Waldman: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
Alice: What's wrong with the dog?
Waldman: Simple: he's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he's attempting to dislodge is either gone for good or there to stay.
- When Mitch calls Samantha out on her bad language.
Samantha: What, are you a Mormon?
Mitch: Yeah, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics.
- Mitch busts a crook with a prostitute, and when he tries to bargain he says this in front of her:
"I can tell by your choice of hookers you're not a wealthy man."
- What makes that scene even funnier is that she's not really a prostitute; she's Mitch's business partner. This makes the displeased look on her face when Mitch says "I can tell by your choice that you're not a rich man" even more funny.
- Mitch's way of trying to get someone to shut up:
- When Charly notices that blood is seeping through the bandage over Mitch's wound, she distracts him by opening her bathrobe and flashing him before ripping the bandage off. The bug-eyed look on Mitch's face when Charly flashes him is funny, but what really makes the scene hilarious is the ensuing conversation.
Mitch: Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!
Charly: I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.
Mitch: Huh? What? Virgin? What?
Charly: It's something I read about in this Harold Robbins book. The guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?
Mitch: No, I just sock 'em in the jaw and yell "pop goes the weasel!"