- SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN!!... the incompetent but sweet-natured magician.
- "My dear, you deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of the aid of a second-rate pickpocket."
- "And be wary of wousing a wizard's wath! Rousing a rizard's... Be wary of making a magician angry!"
- "He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!"
- The....... boob tree.
Schmendrick: Oh God. I'm engaged to a Douglas fir!
- It's even funnier in the book, wherein Schmendrick very calmly explains to the now-sentient tree that he's been engaged to the fir since childhood. A very "sorry to break the news to you" explanation, hoping to dissuade the tree's love.
- Schmendrick's conversation with the Skull:
Skull: Say please!
Schmendrick: (sighs) Please.
Schmendrick: Shut up you pretentious kneecap! How would you like a punch in the eye?
- And earlier.
- "Have a taco."
- When Schmendrick first encounters Captain Cully and his band:
Schmendrick: You're Captain Cully, boldest of the bold and freest of the free.
Cully: That I am.
Molly: He's guessing, Cully. Gut him, before he does you the way the last one did.
Cully: Ah, that's only Molly Grue's way. She has a good heart. A good heart.
Molly: Off with ya!
Schmendrick: And this lady, don't tell me,she must be your faithful and beautiful companion.
Molly: Maybe he does know.
- Mabruck prepares to attack Haggard, and stops because he recognizes the unicorn, cackling hysterically that Haggard "has let his doom in the front door!" The funny part? Lir sighing and promising to write the old wizard a good reference for future job hunting.