Funny: The Last Unicorn

  • SCHMENDRICK THE WIZARD!!... the incompetent but sweet-natured magician.
    • "My dear, you deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of the aid of a second-rate pickpocket."
    • "And be wary of wousing a wizard's wath! Rousing a rizard's... Be wary of making a magician angry!"
    • "He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!"
  • The....... boob tree.
    Schmendrick: Oh God. I'm engaged to a Douglas fir!
  • Schmendrick's conversation with the Skull:
    Skull: Say please!
    Schmendrick: (sighs) Please.
    Skull: ...No.
    • And earlier.
    Schmendrick: Shut up you pretentious kneecap! How would you like a punch in the eye?
  • "Have a taco."
  • When Schmendrick first encounters Captain Cully and his band:
    Schmendrick: You're Captain Cully, boldest of the bold and freest of the free.
    Molly: He's guessing, Cully. Gut him, before he does you the way the last one did.
    Cully: Ah, don't mind Molly Grue, that's just her way.
    Schmendrick: And you must be his charming wife.
    Molly: Maybe he does know.