- SCHMENDRICK THE WIZARD!!... the incompetent but sweet-natured magician.
- "My dear, you deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of the aid of a second-rate pickpocket."
- "And be wary of wousing a wizard's wath! Rousing a rizard's... Be wary of making a magician angry!"
- "He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!"
- The....... boob tree.
Schmendrick: Oh God. I'm engaged to a Douglas fir!
- Schmendrick's conversation with the Skull:
Skull: Say please!
Schmendrick: (sighs) Please.
Schmendrick: Shut up you pretentious kneecap! How would you like a punch in the eye?
- And earlier.
- "Have a taco."
- When Schmendrick first encounters Captain Cully and his band:
Schmendrick: You're Captain Cully, boldest of the bold and freest of the free.
Cully: That I am.
Molly: He's guessing, Cully. Gut him, before he does you the way the last one did.
Cully: Ah, that's only Molly Grue's way. She has a good heart. A good heart.
Molly: Off with ya!
Schmendrick: And this lady, don't tell me,she must be your faithful and beautiful companion.
Molly: Maybe he does know.