Funny / The Last Unicorn

  • SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN!!... the incompetent but sweet-natured magician.
    • "My dear, you deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of the aid of a second-rate pickpocket."
    • "And be wary of wousing a wizard's wath! Rousing a rizard's... Be wary of making a magician angry!"
    • "He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!"
  • The....... boob tree.
    Schmendrick: Oh God. I'm engaged to a Douglas fir!
    • It's even funnier in the book, wherein Schmendrick very calmly explains to the now-sentient tree that he's been engaged to the fir since childhood. A very "sorry to break the news to you" explanation, hoping to dissuade the tree's love.
  • Schmendrick's conversation with the Skull:
    Skull: Say please!
    Schmendrick: (sighs) Please.
    Skull: ...No.
    • And earlier.
    Schmendrick: Shut up you pretentious kneecap! How would you like a punch in the eye?
  • "Have a taco."
  • When Schmendrick first encounters Captain Cully and his band:
    Schmendrick: You're Captain Cully, boldest of the bold and freest of the free.
    Cully: That I am.
    Molly: He's guessing, Cully. Gut him, before he does you the way the last one did.
    Cully: Ah, that's only Molly Grue's way. She has a good heart. A good heart.
    Molly: Off with ya!
    Schmendrick: And this lady, don't tell me,she must be your faithful and beautiful companion.
    Molly: Maybe he does know.