Funny / The Games

  • There's one just about every episode...
  • "Who reports comments like the media are leeches? THE MEDIA report them, John!"
    • "Monday [the newspaper] will be in the pool, Tuesday it'll be in the tree, Wednesday it'll be in number 27 Thursday! It'll be in the pot plant!"
    • "Oh, well, you're a bit of a bastard, aren't you?"
    • Nicholas falling over the boxes at the end.
    • "They're not missing? The kangaroos aren't missing?"
  • The group pretending to be The Seekers and performing (it's hilarious).
    Bryan: Look, everyone knows the line is 'The harbour light is calling'.
    Gina: What did I sing?
    Bryan: 'The barney night is falling'.
  • The entire 'relaxation trip in the Blue Mountains' episode.
    • "I would rather sit at home with a pencil in my eye than sit through that again."
    • "And the Minister will be confronting this in his usual method of being photographed in a hard hat pointing at a concrete mixer?"
    • "Gina? I can't get down!"
    • "Have we heard anything about that transport strike?" "They're talking wildcat action." "Oh yeah, when?" "If I knew when, it wouldn't be wildcat action, it'd be exceptionally well organised, punctual cat action."
    • "We don't need to pretend we're running the Olympics and we've got problems, we are running the Olympics and we've got problems!"
  • "Look after him? He's dead, isn't he?"
    • And then later... "This is * BLEEP* hopeless!" *door slams*
    • "You can't bring dead people into people's offices!" "I think you can, look..."
    • "I want your word as an Australian journalist that that won't appear on television!"
    • Jasmine going on and on about ambush marketing.
    • "Listen, I'm not bisexual!" "I don't care what you are, I'm not being groped by any more sleazebags."
    • "Why do you keep asking me? I don't know!"
    • "But people will get shot, won't they?" "Well they say they're going to fire above their heads." "That's never been a terribly convincing defense! 'We were firing above their heads, Your Honour, and then we noticed large numbers of deceased persons.'"
    • * Bryan and Jasmine race towards a door guarded by airport security.*
      Bryan * flashing wallet* : Federal police.
      Jasmine: Mittagong Regional Library.
    • * Nicholas and John are carrying a corpse towards the elevator* (It Makes Sense in Context)
      Nicholas: Would you have some respect, please?
      John: Have some respect? You're a bit rich, aren't you- you're happy for him to sit in Bryan's office all day, you've lied to his wife and family, and now you're going to drop him up in a dunny at a cocktail party and you want them to show some respect- what are they going to shoot? They haven't got any choice, for God's sake- come on, pal...
    • "A large ad warning consumers to be wary of any organization that appears to be associated with the Games that is not, in fact, associated with the Games. All of this accompanied by a cartoon of a large kangaroo that appears to be winking at me."
  • "Have we got a stapler, Bryan? We're the Olympics! Surely we must run to a stapler!"
    • "Lord Lucan! How are you? Have you seen my stapler?"
      • "I'm sorry, did you want the piece of pizza without the staples?"
    • "Your horse-making machine? Where will you get all that from?"
      • "What do I know about genetically-engineered horses? I'm an accountant!"
  • "Now, I want you to watch this..." * John puts radio in a glass of water. It makes bubbling noises and subsides.*
    • Conflict of interest.
  • "You check that till your arse falls off, I'm telling you those are the figures!" "Well you can tell me that till your dick catches fire, I'm still gonna have to check it out!"
    • This:
      John * reading from a newspaper* : Gina, listen to this. "The so-called games of the twenty-seventh millionarium are now a staggering two hundred and fourty-eight thousand dollars a day over budget and we now have on our hands a full-scale corporate catastrophe in which the loss of the Titanic quite happily could be written off as office stationery. Once a celebration of youth and now little more than an orgy of waste and incompetence, haemorrhaging money and run by the biggest pack of no-hopers anyone could find anywhere, these games have become an embarrassment to all thinking Australians."
      Gina: What about the rest of us?
      John * continuing to read* : "There is something rotten in the state of SOCOG-" A Shakespearean reference, "-and one highly placed source inside the company has said, 'If this were a private company there would have been a fire here last Thursday.'" What idiot wrote that?
  • "Who cares. Make it up. What are they going to do? Take you to potato court?"
  • "Look, it's just a question of making the Americans feel.. slightly more at home." "Mmm, we could issue our schoolchildren with semi-automatic weapons."
  • "How did he win if he didn't have a ticket?"
    • "They picked him up in Dubbo this morning."
  • "How long is our 100 metre track? How long is it, Mr Wilson?"
    • The current 100 meters Australian all comers record holder is Bryan.
    • "We've got the New South Wales school championship out here, someone's gonna break a world record!"
  • "What couldn't you do without?" "My arse."
  • "Apple and guava." *turns away* "Wanker." This from a lady who has to be about seventy.
  • Gina setting fire to a diplomat's wig.
  • Any time the group gives a press conference.
    • The live internet broadcast, where John, Gina, and Bryan explain what's on Australian TV, Australian industries, and how to get in touch with them by putting the mouse through the window in the dotcom.
      • And choosing your search motor from the drop-down dinner.
  • Nicholas' terrible scheme to make the Olympics a success by ensuring a high gold-medal count by smuggling in top athletes disguised as refugees. This effort included smuggling in a Scottish skeet shooter as a Bulgarian wrestler and two Russian (and white) hammer-throw champions as Somalians. Hilariously, at one point a journalist comes across the two not-Russians, who actually do their best to keep up the facade despite how ridiculous it is.
  • A European representative is demanding lifelong skin cancer insurance to be paid to all their athletes or they're boycotting the games under the flimsy excuse that there's the hole in the ozone layer to be considered. So John retorts that in that case they'll just move it.
    Euro Rep: Wha- move... the hole?
    John Yeah, just tow it out to sea for a bit. That's fine right?
    Euro Rep: (Lost for words.)