Funny / The Fifth Elephant

  • Just as Vimes and Carrot arrive on the scene of a recent riot, he says:
    Vimes: It's over. You can tell by the sudden increase in suspiciously innocent bystanders.
  • In one of Vetinari's rare displays of a sense of humour, he describes the prospect of Vimes in Uberwald as "more amusing than an amorous armadillo in a bowling alley". He is, of course, correct.
  • Every time Vimes uses the word 'Vet' when talking to Angua's parents.
    • Similarly, every time he uses the word 'Bath'. Or 'Bad' which means bath in German and has the Bad Dog implication in Engli... er, Morporkian.
  • This exchange - which suggests, by the way, that Sam Vimes may be a not entirely unappetizing sight out of uniform.
    First Gloomy Sister: Have you come here to ravish us?
    Vimes: Madam! I am being chased by werewolves!
    Second Gloomy Sister: Vill that take all day?
    • On his Wikipedia page, he looks reminiscent of Clint Eastwood. Plus, at the time, he's wearing only half-frozen underpants.
    • In Where's My Cow Vimes is referenced from Pete Postlethwaite, which is who Pterry says he imagines him looking like.
  • If you're a fan of Chekov, the whole exchange with the sisters is screamingly funny.
    "Vimes took in the good but old clothes, the faded gentility, and played the only card in his hand. 'I am His Grace the Duke of Ankh-Morpork,' he said, 'Although I realize that fact is not apparent in my present circumstances.'"
  • When acting captain Colon realises what a mess he made of things (i.e. he's the only one in the Watch, the rest of the watchmen formed their own guild and are currently on strike)
    Mister Vimes is going to go completely bursar. He's going to go totally Librarian-poo.
  • Sam's reaction to The Reveal of what Sybil has been trying to tell him but continually getting interrupted. Rarely if ever do we see Vimes so completely flabbergasted in canon.
    • Immediately followed by him telling her to barricade herself in their room (as there are werewolves after them), and adding, "Without straining yourself!"
    • When Sybil finally tells him that she's going to have a baby, he's only half-listening, and very nearly responds with something like 'Choose any color you like' or 'I'll have some men come by in the morning and sort it out.' Probably a good thing that he managed to do a double-take before going with either of those responses.
    Fortunately his brain itself had its own sense of self-preservation and, not wishing to be inside a skull that was stoved in by a bedside lamp, rewrote Sybil's words in white-hot fire across his inner eyeball and then went and hid.
  • Sergeant Detritus, Cultural Attache.
  • The gloomy and purposeless trousers of Uncle Vanya (which is also a Shout-Out).
    • He seldom vore them.
  • Vimes being plucked from the brink of death-by-werewolves when Carrot, wielding a spear, appears in a sleigh, extremely abruptly, to the point where for three paragraphs in a row all Vimes can do is say "Carrot?" before he finally manages "What the hell are you doing here?" Carrot's total nonchalance is just icing.
    Vimes: Of course. Of course you're here. Any minute now, a door in a tree is going to open up and Nobby and Colon are going to step out, aren't they?
  • In the Baron's castle, Detritus threatens to use the Piecemaker:
    Vimes: Detritus, you can't fire that off in here! This is an enclosed building!
    Detritus: Only 'til I pull dis trigger, sir.
  • Vimes in consultation with Vetinari and Carrot, the third or fourth time they both turn out to know a lot more about dwarf politics and Uberwald than he does:
    Vimes: Is there some kind of circular that goes around and doesn't make it as far as me?
  • More juvenile than witty, but a cute reminder that, while this novel mostly explored Discworld dwarfs' serious side, they also express a sense of humor in their use of proverbs:
    "Roughly translated, it means 'My bum has been a bum for a very long time, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to anything it says.'"
  • Gaspode, just before the big tearjerker of doing the howl over Gavin's dead body pausing for a widdle against what he thought was a convenient tree, but turns out to be a certain someone's leg:
    Excuse me.
    A busy, reflective silence followed.
    “That was not a good thing you just did,” said Gaspode.
    I'm sorry. Perhaps this is not the right moment.
    “Not for me, no. You may have caused some physical damage here.”
  • When Vimes and his companions arrive at the inn in Überwald, Vimes is mortified at the sight of a stuffed troll head on the wall and tries to prevent Detritus from seeing it. Detritus' only response is to smile and take a cup made from a human skull out of his pack.
  • Vimes' response to hearing that a condom-maker had been found dead in one of his own rubber vats:
    'My gods, what was he dipping in the vat?'