"Lonely, vaguely pedophilic swingset seeks the butts of children..."
I just want my kids to go outside!
Peter Van Houten on Shakespeare's quote about 'sluttish time': "What a slut time is. She screws everybody."
Hazel and Isaac trying to get his videogame for the blind to say rude things:
Me: "Hump the moist cave wall"
Computer: "You attempt to jump. You hit your head."
Isaac: "Not jump. HUMP."
Computer: "I don't understand."
Isaac: "Dude, I've been alone in the dark in this cave for weeks and I need some relief. HUMP THE CAVE WALL."
Another funny line from Isaac's videogame for the blind:
Isaac: "This is player one's sexy sexy voice."
Augustus helping Isaac aim properly during the egging.
Augustus: A little to the left.
Isaac: My throw was a little to the left or I need to aim a little to the left?
In the midst of a gigantic Tearjerker, there's this one line:
Peter Van Houten wore a white linen suit, tailored to account for his rotundity, a powder-blue dress shirt, and a green tie. He looked like he was dressed for a colonial occupation of Panama, not a funeral.
The car was packed by six fifteen, whereupon Mom insisted that we eat breakfast with Dad, although I had a moral opposition to eating before dawn on the grounds that I was not a nineteenth-century Russian peasant fortifying myself for a day in the fields.
Gus and Hazel describing their relationship status in front of their relatives (the sarcasm quotes are implied):
Hazel: Honestly, he's not that smart.
Augustus: It's just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations.'
Hazel: Right, it's primarily his hotness,
Augustus: It can be sort of blinding.
Hazel: It actually did blind our friend Isaac.
Augustus: Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?
Hazel: You cannot.
Augustus: It is my burden, this beautiful face.
Hazel: Not to mention your body.
Augustus: Seriously, don't even get me started on my hot bod. You don't want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace's breath away. [Nods towards Hazel's oxygen tank]
Their parents nonchalant reactions count too. "Our kids are weird." "Yep."
The airplane stewardess, upon being told that Augustus's unlit cigarette is a metaphor: "Well, that metaphor is prohibited on today's flight."
Isaac's eulogy for Augustus at his pre-funeral is full of Black Comedy.
"I'm assuming you'll get more time, you interrupting bastard!"
In the scene where Hazel finds Peter van Houten in the back of her car, him being there to begin with is funny enough on it's own, but after trying to give her some intellectual spiel, her reaction is essentially this:
Hazel: "Ah ah ah ah GET OUT OF MY CAR!"
In the movie, most of the things Isaac does, especially destroying Gus' trophies and egging Monica's car.. Since the film has less time to tell the story, they (rather loudly) intersect with Hazel and Gus' more tender moments.