Funny / The Elder Scrolls In-Universe Books

  • The Lusty Argonian Maid:
  • One book in Skyrim, which describes a rather epic saga, begins with a thane trying to give a vassal a quest. The vassal responds, essentially, by saying that he was about to drink enough booze to lay out a village, and have sex with a staggeringly large number of women. He's completely honest about that: at the end of his quest, he comes back and does exactly that.
  • One of the heavy armor training books describes the tale of a knight who was so legendary in his skill with armor that he consider more agile in it than out. When his wife has an affair with his assistant, the assistant tries to ensure that he won't be caught by rigging the knight's armor so that the knees will lock up and start screeching loudly after a short time of climbing the stairs. The knight, noticing his knees were locking up, overcame this by walking on his hands. After dispensing with the one sleeping with his wife... well, the wife is seen a little while later, watching the knight joust in a tourney, visibly flushed and... pleased. He really was better in armor than he was out.
  • The Ahzirr Traajijiazeri. Particularly its notes concerning the last time the reader made love.
  • An Obscure Text called The Five Hundred Mighty Companions or Thereabouts of Ysgramor the Returned, a list of Ysgramor's 500-or-so Companions, has a few gems hidden in it, such as: Gremfell the wicker-what, a creature no one could identify but was counted among the Mighty, Jeghwyr and her brothers Fjurlt the Going Grey, Vrolwyr who changed gender on accident, and Deilmark the Master of Oars, Hgelhelm the Outcast who once married a snow drake as if no one would notice, Haalj Hgelhelmson (of whose lineage the less said the better), Ysmieil the Younger, Ysmieil Named as Such Because His Parents Forgot They Used That Name Before, and Meghorj Ghorjson Bite-the-mer the Perhaps a Bear (no one really ever asked).
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