Funny / The Death of Stalin

• The sound engineers' arguments as to the particulars of a phone call to Stalin they've been asked to make, specifically the time and the phone number.
• The concert hall director's increasingly unhinged efforts to get the concerto recorded:
  • The conductor faints when the task is too great for him, so someone gets sent to the nearest conductor. Who is hauled in still in his dressing-gown and slippers, after thinking the NKVD (who are at that very moment rounding up his neighbors) have come for him.
    Director's Assistant: You are Moscow's finest and nearest conductor!
  • As half the guests have left, messing up the acoustics, the director tells his underlings to drag people in off the streets. Cue a conga line of confused peasants who spend the performance eating, knitting, or looking around instead of listening.
  • The pianist says she won't replay due to her hatred of Stalin.
    Director: Ten thousand rubles.
    Maria: Twenty.
  • In a deleted scene, certain members of the orchestra are none too impressed by the replacement conductor:
    Violinist #1: Shit. Was Chaplin busy?
    Violinist #2: Brezlovich can't play Mozart. He's got no feel for nuance!
    Violinist #1: He's in his dressing gown; I think nuance is fucked.
• During the NKVD's nightly hunt for Muscovian dissidents, a young man gives them directions to his father's apartment, who is promptly dragged away. Later on, the Presidium institutes a moratorium on the purges and all low-level prisoners are released. The father comes home, hugs his wife, and shoots the mother of all Death Glares at his son, while the youth sits rigid in his chair.
• The fact that Joseph Stalin is portrayed as a Cockney. Even knowing everything the man has done, it's hard not to chuckle at the sound of his voice.
• Stalin gets his cabinet to watch a John Ford Western with him, but they're clearly not interested as it's late at night and they're tired, and Molotov has dozed off in the middle of it. Made even funnier by the fact that Stalin himself is not bothering to watch the film. But the best part is is that it's Stalin, of all people, a communist zealot feared by all of the Soviet Union and a living pariah in the West, who's a fan of American cinema.
  • Even better? This is Truth in Television. Stalin was a big fan of westerns.
• Beria tells the first and second officers who to kill and arrest, and a third to "figure the rest out."
  Beria: Shoot her before him, but make sure he sees it. Oh, and this one... um... kill him, take him to his church, dump him in the pulpit. And I'll leave the rest up to you.
• After all of the trouble gone to re-record the performance and send the record to Stalin:
  Stalin: What took you so long? You fucking walk here?
  • The best part is the speed at which Stalin answers the door. It's almost as if he was just standing there, waiting for someone to knock and deliver the recording.
• The "thud!" of Stalin's body hitting the floor after what is later determined to be a brain haemorrhage.
  Guard 1: Should we investigate?
  Guard 2: Should you shut the fuck up before you get us both killed?
  • Incidentally, this actually happened.
• Khruschev trying to understand his own drunken ramblings from the night before, including one page just saying "Molotov chhhh". He eventually remembers that he meant "Molotov (throat slitting gesture and sound effect)".
• The Presidium gradually coming across an unconscious, incontinent Stalin...and prior members putting on obviously fake acts of despair and tragedy.
  • Upon arriving at the sick Stalin's side, Beria orders the guards outside his office to stay at their posts. Some time later, while he's throwing a fit over Stalin's apparent recovery, it's shown that the two are still there, awkwardly asking if they can be relieved yet. Finally, when the NKVD are looting the place and rounding up the staff, the two are finally relieved and sent to get some food in the kitchen and then immediately run back the other way, an NKVD officer chasing and shooting at them.
  • Malenkov awkwardly trying to console Khrushchev after he gives a very over-the-top display of grief, and Beria joining in even more awkwardly. He sort of just leans against Khrushchev stiffly before pulling back.
• When Khruschev suggests immediate executive action while he, Beria, and Malenkov are the only ones currently with the dying Stalin, Georgy passively suggests they wait for the rest of the inner circle, much to Khruschev's dismay, and Beria's amusement.
  Khruschev: Our General-Secretary is lying in a puddle of indignity! I think he's saying 'Get me a doctor now!'
  Malenkov: I think we should wait until we're quorate.
  Khruschev: Q-quorate?! The room's only 75% conscious!
  Beria: Are you wearing pajamas?
  Khruschev: Y-yes, so?!
  Beria: Why?
  Khruschev: Because I act, Lavrenti! Decisively and with great speed.
  Beria: (to Georgy) I said you'd be tested, and right now you're being tested by a shouty man in pajamas! (to Khruschev) Have you got a nappy under those too? [nods at Stalin] Too late for him. Heheh.
  • Everyone's slow-motion introduction is ridiculous. Kaganovich in particular bursts in growling "Out of my way, you ffffannnniiiieeees!"
  • Immediately upon his arrival, Kaganovich sees that Stalin is dying and ends up forgoing the Crocodile Tears, instead groaning "shit", all too aware that there will a power struggle following up all of this.
  • The Presidium's attempt to move Stalin to a bed is no less funnier. Kaganovich and Mikoyan complain about kneeling in the piss, nobody can figure out if they're meant to lift on the count of three, and Bulganin escapes Beria's wrath by a hair:
    Bulganin: (strained) He's heavier than I thought he'd be.
    Beria: Hm? You think Stalin's too heavy?
    Bulganin: Ah, no, no, it's a compliment. Gold is heavy.
    Mikoyan: Well, you'd know; you've looted enough of it, you saucy little pirate.
• Khrushchev holding Stalin's feet and swinging them to motion which hallway to turn into and Malenkov telling him to cut that out.
• Malenkov suggests to Beria that they need to get a doctor to attend to Stalin. Beria agrees they should - if only they hadn't purged all the competent doctors on trumped up accusations of plotting a coup the previous year.
  • When the Presidum gathers the nearest doctors they can find to operate on Stalin, Svetlana remarks that with the good doctors gone, they look like mental patients. "Are they going to sing for us? Why are they standing in a line?"
    Svetlana: (to the first, very young-looking doctor) How old are you?
    Young Doctor: Twenty... nine?
    Svetlana: That's a lie. (to the second, much older doctor) How old are you?
    Old Doctor: Er...
    Svetlana: (to the third, wild-haired, even older) You look dead!
    • Vasily isn't any more impressed when he shows up to the autopsy.
      Vasily: (to the young doctor) How old are you?
      Young Doctor: I'm...uh...old.
      Vasily: You're not old! (to a bald doctor) You're not even a person! You're a testicle! (to the wild-haired doctor) You're made mostly out of hair!
• When the doctors are assembled before the Presidium after assessing the comatose Stalin, three doctors try to push the clipboard with their assessment towards one another to avoid giving the bad news.
  • The old doctor starts droning and stalling before Timashuk snatches the clipboard and crisply declares their diagnosis.
  • Beria demands the old doctor tell them if Stalin will live. After he deflects the question, Beria steps right up to him and coldly assures the old doctor that he isn't about to kiss him.
• Khrushchev, Kaganovich, Beria, and Malenkov running flat-out to be the first to greet (and monopolize) Svetlana, yelling out endearments.
  • Kaganovich asking Khrushchev "How can you run and plot at the same time?"
• Khrushchev promises to protect Svetlana from harm, a word she picks up on and starts asking why he said 'harm'. He lets it slip out again a few seconds later and winces.
  • Svetlana is momentarily distracted by the sight of a lamp on chair and wonders who would do that.
• Vasily's inefficacious approach to coaching the Soviet national ice hockey team.
  Vasily: Play better, you clattering fannies!
  • He also doesn't seem to be aware that a plane crash has killed all the good players, until an NKVD team comes to pick him up after Stalin falls ill, at which point he's ''very'' aware.
• On his deathbed, Stalin sits up and points at Khrushchev. They initially think he's naming him as his successor, then Stalin points to his housekeeper. He then points at a painting of a woman feeding a baby lamb with a bottle of milk, and everyone tries to interpret what he's saying.
  Malenkov: He's saying "I am the lamb, and you my children have nursed me back to health!"
  Mikoyan: Or, the lamb is the people and the milk is...socialism!
  Bulganin: Maybe he's the milk?
  Mikoyan: Maybe you're the tit.
• Molotov telling Khrushchev, mid-mourning over Stalin's death, to wait for the toilet to fill up before flushing it so as to obfuscate any hidden listeners.
• At Stalin's autopsy, Stalin's circle of yes-men recoil in disgust; even Beria, who regularly tortures people as part of his job or just for fun, is staring in horror. Bulganin continues to sycophantically compliment Stalin ("Thick skull, you know, it's an incredibly strong, hard...skull...") prompting a Big "SHUT UP!" at him.
  • When the committee reacts with shock to the revelation that the equipment is American, one of the doctors points to the other and says that it came from his hospital. The other immediately points back at the first and says that it was his idea.
    Khrushchev: Alright, let's just pretend these last six sentences never happened.
  • Vasily announces to the Committee that they've somehow made "a deadly mistake", before making an obvious attempt for a guard's gun while they all groan in annoyance. His drunken effort to grab it is so feeble that everyone, including his own sister, just stands around in awkward embarrassed silence for over half a minute, waiting for Vasily to tire himself out. In a blink and you miss it moment, Khrushchev shoots Beria a look to silently ask if Beria is going to do anything, prompting the latter to finally order his men to break up the fight; meanwhile, a nervous Malenkov ducks out of the room (again, since he did the same thing when Vasily first entered firing his own gun before it was taken off him).
  • Previously, Vasily had been firing off his handgun, hitting the ceiling and walls and forcing everyone to duck. While he is being restrained, one of his shots hits his father's corpse, mere seconds after he was ranting about everyone present desecrating the body.
  • After the humiliation, Vasily orders the soldier who he just failed to overpower to salute him and says "Now, let that be a warning".
• During Beria's visit to Polina in her cell, he off-handedly mentions that Stalin has died, which causes her to break down from shock and disbelief. Cut to Beria, whose expression can only be described as the non-verbal equivalent of a Flat "What".
• After Beria finds out about Malenkov's habit of wearing a girdle, instead labeling it a corset, he makes a remark about "loosening the Union's great corset" the next day after the meeting has concluded. Malenkov's reaction is the icing on the cake.
• At the first Presidium meeting after Stalin's death, there's immediate squabbling and confusion when Malenkov tries to pass two very simple motions at once, both of which are mere formalities for the books.
  • As motions need unanimous support to pass, Malenkov pointedly draws out the phrase "carried unanimously" until everyone has their hand up.
  • When Molotov makes a speech on the third motion, to pause the NKVD's arrests and executions, everybody confusedly alternates putting their hands up and down since nobody can really predict where it's going.
    Molotov: I have always been loyal to Stalin. Always. And these arrests were authorized by Stalin.
    [Everyone slowly puts their hands down]
    Molotov: But Stalin was always loyal to the collective leadership. That is true loyalty.
    [Everyone slowly raises their hands]
    Molotov: But he had an iron principle, undeviating, strong. Shouldn’t we do the same, and stick to what we believed in?
    [Everyone hesitantly puts their hands down again]
    Molotov: No. It is stronger still to forge one’s own beliefs into the beliefs of collective leadership.
    [Everyone looks at Molotov confusedly]
    Molotov: Which I have now...[Raises his hand]...done.
  • The Presidium teasing Khruschev about being in charge of the funeral.
  Mikoyan: "Nikita Khruschev, funeral director". It suits you! It suits that face.
• It’s pitch-black humour, but the gulag execution scene.
  Prisoner: Long live Stalin!
  NKVD Officer: [Nonchalantly] Stalin's dead. Malenkov's in charge.
  Prisoner: Oh. Uh, long live Malenk — BANG.
  • Even as a senior officer stomps over telling him to stop, the officer looks up at him but still shoots the next prisoner.
  • When the NKVD officer does stop and he and his superior hurry out, the incredulous looks on the faces of the remaining prisoners. The next one in the line looks down at the freshest corpse with bewilderment, having escaped death by way of sheer luck. If the officer hadn't spent a few seconds talking...
• Zhukov's introduction:
  (After shaking hands with two of his soldiers, he goes to shake hands with Aslanov, an NKVD officer.)
  Zhukov: Aslanov, you handsome devil. Stick you in a frock, I'd fucking ride you raw myself.
  (He hits Aslanov in the stomach.)
  Aslanov: I will take that as a compliment.
  Zhukov: Yeah, don't. Right, what's a war hero got to do to get some lubrication around here?
  (Cue slow motion coat toss while awesome music plays.)
  • If one listens closely during the coat toss, while Zhukov tugs his tunic down all of his medal clink together with a cartoonish sound effect.
  • Afterwards, Zhukov confronts Beria and Khrushchev about why the Soviet Army has been replaced by the NKVD all over Moscow.
    Zhukov: (smiling pleasantly) Tell me something. Why has the army... been replaced by the NKVD all over Moscow? (chuckles; slowly shifts to Death Glare as he speaks) I mean, I'm smiling! But I am very fucking furious.
    Beria: Perhaps this is a good time for Comrade Yudina to go prepare those precious fingers.
  • Zhukov having a very broad Yorkshire accent.
• Molotov compares climbing the immense stairs in the Hall of Columns to climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Michael Palin has visited Kilimanjaro and climbed many mountains in his travels. Monty Python even did a sketch about climbing Kilimanjaro.
• Khrushchev awkwardly trying to shuffle past Malenkov at Stalin's funeral, and ending up standing right in front of him. Malenkov asks, "What the fuck are you doing?", and Khrushchev shuffles back to his position.
• The unexpected and unwanted arrival of the leaders of the Orthodox Church. Really, it's how everyone in the committee shares the exact same petty dislike for them.
  Bulganin: "Jesus Christ, it's the bishops."^note Half a pity they couldn't give this line to Molotov.
  Kaganovich: "I thought we'd banned those freaks."
  Molotov: "Sneeze on the bastards as they go past!"
  • The irony that Bulganin opens the tirade against the bishops by saying "Jesus Christ".
  • Malenkov futilely tries to assert himself as anything other than a puppet for others before summing up his entire personality in two sentences.
  Khrushchev: "Ask Beria if he invited the bishops."
  Malenkov: "Don't - don't give me orders." [Pauses, then turns to Bulganin] "Ask Beria if he invited the bishops."
• Khrushchev and Beria arguing and insulting each other as they stand around Stalin's corpse at the funeral, in front of thousands of mourners, via relaying whispers down the line of Politburo members, with Malenkov and Bulganin stuck in between.
  • When Khruschev founds out Beria did invite the bishops:
  Khruschev: (almost to himself) I'm going to give everyone in Red Square a voucher permitting one kick each to his stupid face.
  Beria: Is he asking for some delicious hay?
  Bulganin: No, he said something quite complicated about a...voucher system.
• Some naval officers stationed in far-eastern Siberia trying to fit a comically large wreath through the doorway. Someone remarks that "it's bigger than the region itself".
• Vasily suddenly appearing in the buffet section ranting about an American conspiracy to steal his father's brain and the interpreter of a Chinese guest translating Vasily's rant, complete with gestures, being sure to specify the exact size of the "Zionist cocks and balls" that the Presidium is supposedly sucking on - a phrase Vasily repeats to make sure the interpreter knows that he's meant to translate that too, all the while the Chinese official politely and attentively listens. Even better, the guest is Zhou Enlai, foreign minister of China and ambassador to the Soviet Union. No wonder the Sino-Soviet Split happened.
  • Mid-rant, Vasily sees Zhukov coming for him (complete with murderous glare) and only has time to shout "Medic!" before being decked, kicked repeatedly in the stomach, and called a stain on the uniform. It's made even funnier by the sound of the other officials frantically trying to smooth things over with Enlai in the background.
  • Vasily tries to spit at the man holding him down. The spit only hits his own forehead.
  • Beria getting Vasily’s attention while he's on the ground by whispering, "I know about the hockey team!"
  • And Zhukov's obvious lack of a single given fuck when Svetlana tries to yell at him for punching Vasily (and kicking him while he's down).
    Svetlana: Who did this?
    Zhukov: I did. And I enjoyed it. It's been a long time coming.
  • Svetlana quickly realizes that Zhukov is decidedly not going to kowtow to her the way the rest of Stalin's stooges do, and settles for flailing a finger at him and making some vague and ineffectual threats to the entire room before hurrying herself and Vasily out.
    Zhukov: Right, that's me told then. I'm off to represent the entire Red Army at the buffet!
• Nobody really takes Vasily seriously.
  Vasily: I want to make a speech at my father's funeral.
  Khrushchev: (sarcastically): And I want to fuck Grace Kelly.
  Vasily: I simply don't care.
• Zhukov's reaction to the plethora of hair gel on Malenkov's head.
  Zhukov: Jesus Christ. Did Coco Chanel take a shit on your head?
  Malenkov: No, he did not.
  • Plus the fact that someone like Zhukov has the first clue who Coco Chanel is, while Malenkov thinks she's a guy.
• Malenkov spending a good chunk of the film trying to find the right little girl for his appearance on the balcony, when he finally makes the balcony appearance, said little girl is too short to be seen.
• Zhukov's response to being interrupted.
  Soviet official: Comrade General...
  Zhukov: Fuck off! Or I'll punch you into a sticky pulp!
  Khruschev: Uh, thank you.
• Khruschev gets Zhukov alone, admits being responsible for the massacre of people coming of the trains, and asks for Zhukov's help. The general isn't impressed: "To do what? There's bodies fucking piling up in the streets; bit late, innit?"
• Zhukov trolling Khruschev:
  Zhukov: I'm going to have to report this conversation. Threatening to do harm, or obstruct any member of the Presidium in the process of look at your fucking face! [cracks up laughing]
  • He then kisses Khruschev on the lips and teasingly tries to grab his testicles.
  • Khruschev expresses surprise to Zhukov that the coup must be the day of the funeral, to which Zhukov replies "What, you busy washing your hair or something?". Doubly sarcastic given that Khruschev is nearly bald.
• Zhukov referring to the others as "girls" and "ladies".
• Throughout the film, Malenkov tells people that he is in charge now, complete with hammily pointing to himself for emphasis. It's made even funnier by the way every effort to appear dramatic and leader-y is immediately undercut by his colleagues.
• Vasily's description of his role in the funeral.
  Vasily: "I know the drill. Smile, shake hands and try not to call them cunts."
• Molotov talking out of the side of his mouth when trying to get the conspirators into the car. Inside the car he gets his dog to start yapping to cover their words, forcing them to in turn to raise their voices.
  • Molotov encourages Khruschev to hurry up with his plan before he turns to his dog and tells it in a silly voice "Uncle Nicky's going to be dead if he doesn't get a move on, isn't he? Yes, he is!"
  • Kaganovich summing up his bewilderment with "I've had nightmares that made more sense than this."
• They ask around who's in on the coup while carrying Stalin's coffin to the funeral. Molotov is so excited he briefly lets go of the coffin.
• Svetlana tries to assure Beria that she and her brother are not children. Vasily's door opens and his petulant voice drifts out, at which she corrects herself and says she, singular, is not a child.
  • Shortly before this, Beria asks Vasily how his speech is coming along. Vasily begins reading what he's got so far, which is predictably horrible. The look on Beria's face as he mutters, "Er, I'll just leave you to it"...
  • Beria mockingly predicts that Vasily will only be able to "garble five words", and gets his wish when the Soviet Air Force conduct an unannounced flyover at the dullest point in his speech. Unfortunately for Beria, this only serves to make the normally drunken and pathetic Vasily Take a Level in Badass by passionately listing the ethnicities of the Soviet Union, as incongruous an idea as that sounds while his fellow airmen soar overhead, most decidedly not drowning him out.
• Beria and the rest of the Presidium strolling through the House of Columns just after they each speak at the funeral:
  Beria: Yes, "bread and peace". I knew it would work. It was between peace and sausages.
• When Khrushchev tells Malenkov of their plan against Beria, and that the rest of the Presidium think he’s already on board with it.
  Malenkov: Is that why everyone keeps acting like they want to fuck my sister?
• After his first Villainous Breakdown in which he declares that he has files of dirt on all of the committee members, Beria calms down and agrees to pick some scapegoats for the 1500 mourners shot by the NKVD. Khrushchev happily assures him, "See? No harm done!" Never mind that those scapegoats will be shot.
• Right before the coup attempt, Zhukov sneaks into the Kremlin and reveals, under his enormous jacket, he's packing numerous rifles to hand out.
  Zhukov: Alright boys. Meet your dates for tonight.
  Army Officer (Leonid Brezhnev): I'll take the tall blonde.
• The arrest of Beria. Beria runs to a window to yell for his own guards. Zhukov and his men bust in waving AKs at the table, while Zhukov declares, "Hands up, or I'll shoot you in the fucking face." Khrushchev and Kaganovich not-so-subtly point Zhukov towards Beria before he starts yelling for the guards. Annoyed at his Failed Attempt at Drama, Zhukov sheepishly mutters "Oh, shit." before walking over to punch Beria in the face. Twice.
  • Despite Zhukov's threat when he bursts in, nobody does put their hands up. Malenkov doesn't even stand. Khrushchev at least covers his ears, in anticipation of a shootout.
  • Khrushchev tells Malenkov that if he wants to talk to Zhukov about dealing with Beria, now's the opportunity. Zhukov is ridiculously matter-of-fact: "Spit it out, Georgy! Stagin' a coup 'ere." After a moment of weighing his choices then tells Zhukov that Beria keeps a knife in his boot. Beria's not pleased.
  • Then Beria's goons, Aslanov and Kobulov, run in and see what's going on. "Sssorry, comrades." "Wrong room." And they run for it, even as Beria's hissing in outrage at their desertion.
    Zhukov, to one of his men: "Uh, go and kill them, will you?"
    • Even funnier, one of the NKVD officers walks in carrying a tray of food!
    • In the ensuing chase, Kobulov tries crouching behind a low screen. One of Zhukov's men spots him, doubles back with a little skid and hobble, and shoots him.
• As the Committee waits for the Red Army to neutralize the NKVD, Zhukov handcuffs in the lavatory, but then sees one of Malenkov's portraits there.
  Zhukov: Fuck me, Georgy's eyes really do follow you around the crapper. It's weird.
• While the disturbingly expansive plethora of sexual crimes of which Khrushchev accuses Beria aren't bogus charges, the notion of him working for foreign powers certainly is, and Beria lets everyone at his trial know it. It doesn't save him, fortunately.
  Beria: Foreign powers! Which one, the fucking Moon?!
• After Beria is abruptly shot dead, Zhukov utters this darkly humorous line:
  "Well, that's got it done."
  • Immediately after this, Zhukov invites the others to look at Beria's body to confirm that he's dead, and they begin jeering at his corpse. One can be heard to shout "Fuck off back to Georgia, dead boy!"
  • In the immediate aftermath of Beria's execution, Zhukov can clearly be seen staring at the nameless soldier who actually pulled the trigger with a look that visibly reads "I wanted to be the one who shot him!"
  • The fact that Zhukov sets Beria's corpse alight by throwing a lighter on him, but not before lighting his own cigarette with it first.
• Khruschev's comments as they cremate Beria's corpse flirt with crossing the line twice.
  Khrushchev: You smell like a rendered horse, you...burning asshole!
• The Presidium and Zhukov, the powers of the Union, referring to each other with nicknames like "Georgy" and "Nicky". Truth in Television: It wasn't uncommon, as evidenced by The Willy-Nicky Correspondences.

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