Mr. Earle: Bruce! I thought you were dead. Bruce: Sorry to disappoint.
Bonus laughs come from the fact that Bruce managed to charm the secretary in less than a minute of entering his own office building.
Alfred tries to rouse Bruce from bed. Bruce groans, "Bats are nocturnal!"
On closer inspection of the scene between Bruce and Gordon's first meeting as adults, but before the Batsuit is finished, Bruce is not holding a gun to Gordon's neck at all. It's a stapler.
Lucius Fox and Bruce Wayne, both absolutely deadpan:
Lucius Fox:I analyzed your blood, isolating the receptor compounds and the protein-based catalyst. Bruce Wayne: Am I meant to understand any of that? Lucius Fox: Not at all. I just wanted you to know how hard it was. Bottom line, I synthesized an antidote. Bruce Wayne: Could you make more? Lucius Fox: You planning on gassing yourself again, Mr. Wayne? Bruce Wayne: Well, you know how it is, Mr. Fox. You're out at night, looking for kicks, someone passes around a weaponized hallucinogen...
The look on a bystander's face after calling the Bat-Tumbler a "nice ride," and then sees said ride destroy a support beam with surface-to-surface missiles.
A cop in a squad car is yelling through his radio at someone on the other end, for not being able to provide an accurate description of the Tumbler.
Cop: He is in a vehicle! Dispatch: Make and color? Cop: It's a black... (looks at partner, who shrugs as sirens wail) ...tank.
Cop 1: What street is he taking? Cop 2: He's not on a street; he's flying on roof tops!
"Dr. Crane isn't here right now, but if you'd like to make an appointment..."
Batman: I need your help. Gordon: What do you need?. Batman: Can you drive stick?
Newspaper headline after Ra's is defeated: "Drunken Billionaire Burns Down Home"
When Batman says to Ra's al Ghul, regarding the soldiers he's threatened with, "I can't beat two of your pawns?" Ra's says, "As you wish." Two of Ra's men rappel down next to the first two, and Batman does this sidelong glance that just screams "I had to open my big mouth."
Earle:[to Lucius Fox] I'm merging your department with Archives, and I am firing you. [beat] Didn't you get the memo?
Bruce Wayne:[on the phone] Look, it's all a bit technical, but the important thing is that *my* company's future is secure. [speaks slightly louder] Right, Mr. Fox?
Lucius Fox: Right you are, Mr. Wayne.
[turns to Earle, and takes off his glasses]
Lucius Fox: Didn't you get the memo?
As Bruce is heading out just before his guests start arriving: "Tell them that joke you know."
The onlookers watching Alfred put an unconscious Rachel in the car.
Alfred: A little worse for wear, I'm afraid.
When Alfred is surmising that Bruce's secret identity is to protect the people he knows from his eventual enemies, Bruce responds with Rachel, to which Alfred replies that he was thinking about himself.
The Tumbler test drive and Bruce's grin throughout...
Bruce: Does it come in black?
This scene always gets me.
Alfred: (shatters a headpiece with a baseball bat) It's a problem with the graphite sir. The next 10,000 will be up to specifications.
Bruce: Everyone. Everybody. I, uh...wanna thank you all for coming here tonight and drinking all of my booze. No, really. There's a thing about being a Wayne that, you're never short a few freeloaders, like yourselves, to fill up your mansion with so, here's to you people. Thank you. Partygoer: That's enough, Bruce. Bruce: Mm-mm. I'm not finished. To all of you, uh...all you phonies. All you...two-faced friends, you sycophantic suck-ups who smile through your teeth at me, please leave me in peace. Please. Go. Stop smiling, it's not a joke, please leave. The party's over, Get Out.
Right before the chase scene, Batman makes it out to the alleyway by breaking into one of the cells and breaking the window, before saying, "Excuse me" to two of the prisoners, who just look at each other.
It's the looks on the inmates' faces that sells it. It's almost like they're silently asking each other, "...Did you see that too, or am I just still crazy?"
The Dark Knight
The Joker walks in "How about a magic trick? ... I'm gonna make this pencil disappear." It says something about the quality of the movie's writing when such a sadistically violent joke can honestly be hilarious.
The Joker:[fake laughter done in deadpan voice] Ah ha ha ha ha, hahaha, ha, ha, ha, oh, a-hee-hee, ha ha, oh, hee ha, ahaha. [returns to normal voice] And I thought my jokes were bad!
Gambol: Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The Joker: How 'bout a magic trick? [sticks a pencil into the table, point first] I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.
[Gambol's crony stands up and advances on him. In one swift motion the Joker slams the man's head onto the pencil, forcing the entire pencil through his eye socket; the crony collapses to the floor, dead, taking the pencil with him]
The Joker: TA-DA! It's, ah, it's gone. Oh, and by the way, the suit? It wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it!
The way the scene is written out in the screenplay is amusing on its own:
The PENCIL is gone. MAGIC.
The Joker is full of edgy humor. Take the next part of this same scene:
The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta! Let's not "blow"... [opens his jacket, revealing five grenades, all with pins attached to a string around his thumb] ...this all out of proportion. Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?! The Joker(Matter-of-factly): Yeah. Gambol: I'm putting the word out: $500 grand for this clown dead, a million alive, so I can teach him some manners first! The Joker: So listen, why don't you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here's my card. —>[leaves a Joker playing card on the table, and backs out of the room, toying threateningly with the grenade pin]
And in the middle...
The Joker: And the suit? It wasn't cheap. You should know, you bought it.
When The Joker sits down next to Harvey's hospital bed, grins and says "Hiii."
Especially how awkward the grin is. Like, "Yeah, uh, sorry about that whole 'dead girlfriend' thing, that was my bad...are we cool?"
The Joker's failed attempt at an Unflinching Walkafter blowing up the hospital. But the Joker dressed as a nurse, and skipping is already funny enough. It's even funnier when one of the bombs is delayed in exploding, and he stands there hitting the button until it blows up. (the director said the entire scene was Heath Ledger reacting to special effects failing to start)
That's only half true. The charges didn't malfunction - on one of the DVD's special features it's explained that they were designed to start exploding, pause, and then the "real" explosions would go off, in order for Heath Ledger to leave the hospital as it's exploding. What they didn't do was tell Ledger that there would be a pause.
There's also the fact that he makes a "kaboom" sound when he presses the button, complete with sticking his tongue out.
Batman is trying to catch up to the Joker during the chase scene. The camera cuts to two kids sitting in a car in a parking lot, pretending to shoot dumpsters and scrapped cars in front of them. The cars and the dumpsters explode, and Batman zooms past, leaving the kids awestruck.
The part during the chase scene, when the Bat-Cycle and the "(S)LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE" truck play chicken.
Joker: He missed! One second later: The steel line tightens, ripping out lampposts and flipping the truck
"I just want my phone call".
This little exchange:
Bruce: Today you get to say, "I told you so." Alfred: Today, I...I don't want to. (beat) But I did bloody tell you. I suppose they're going to lock me up as well, as your accomplice. Bruce: Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.
Joker driving the truck, and just going "I like this job...I LIKE it!"
The truck's motto: S LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
When the Joker ambushes the convoy, he blocks the road with a fire engine... on fire. Y'know, a pun.
What got this troper laughing the hardest was when the Joker pushed the killed truck driver out of the driver's seat. "Oh, excuse me! I want to drive!"
The Joker dangles Rachel out the window in front of Batman: "Let her go!" "Very poor choice of words!"
Two words: "panic room".
Bruce just randomly walking to his ex-girlfriend's current beau and putting him in a sleeper hold. He has a reason, but still.
Maroni: Dropping me from this height? It won't even kill me! Batman: I'm counting on it. (drops him)
When Gordon captures the Joker, when he's about to unmask Batman:
The Joker: Could you please just give me a minute?!
I was left doubled over laughing at the beginning, when the banker starts shooting at the Joker and his cronies.
Grumpy: He's out (of ammo), right? Joker: (pauses, then nods assuredly) Grumpy jumps out, and the banker shoots at him, then runs out of ammo. Grumpy: (muffled) What the fuck?! The Joker leaps out of hiding and shoots him. Grumpy: (pops up, pissed) Where did you learn to count?!
"What bus dri-(school bus rams through the doors and runs over him)
Joker randomly grabbing the prawn sticks and champagne glass, spilling 75% of the champagne before half-assedly knocking it back, at the party.
75%? It looked like there was practically nothing left in the glass.
What makes it even better is the "Oh Crap, he's right" look that appears on Reese's face while Fox is talking.
The exchange when Alfred finds Bruce stitching up his wounds after his encounter with the Scarecrow and the dogs.
Alfred: Did you get mauled by a tiger? Bruce: It was a dog. Alfred: Huh? Bruce: It was a big dog!
"So, which of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh. There's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have... [breaks the stick in two] tryouts."
This is actually Fridge Brilliance on the Joker's part - this way he ensures that the man who wins and joins him is inevitably the more sadistic and desperate one - and therefore more likely to follow his insane orders.
After Dent's bust:
Judge Surrilo: ...712 counts of extortion, 849 counts racketeering, 246 counts fraud, 87 counts conspiracy murder, 527 counts obstruction of justice... [looks up at courtroom crammed with giant mob of indictees] ...how do the defendants plead? Army of defense lawyers: NOT GUILTY!
The confused look the stenographer gives sells the scene.
The interrogation scene:
[Batman slams the Joker's head into the table] Joker: Never start with the head! The victim gets all... fuzzy. He can't feel the next... [Batman smashes the Joker's hand; Joker pauses for effect] Joker: You see?
The scene in which Batman tries to get Maroni to rat out the Joker.
Batman:Where is he? Maroni: I don't know where he is, he found us. Batman: He must have friends. Maroni:Friends? Have you met this guy?
The difference between you and the Batman is that HE'S NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS!!!!!
Crane's briefly-seen "you just got told" glance at the Batman impersonator makes this even more priceless.
And just prior to that bit, when Batman tells the impersonator that "I don't need help.":
Crane: (Deadpan) Not my diagnosis.
When Batman is preparing to go to Hong Kong to capture Lau, Alfred comes up with a good alibi for Bruce: absconding with the entire Russian ballet.
The ballet that Harvey was taking Rachel to see, no less. When Bruce cockblocks, he goes all the way.
Rachel: Harvey's taking me next week.
Bruce: Oh. (to Harvey) So, you like ballet."
Alfred wants to know the Russian for "apply your own bloody suntan lotion."
During the Hospital scene, there is a moment where Joker can't remember Rachel's name. Dent SCREAMS it at him, and Mr. J jumps in his chair and looks as though Harvey's completely overreacting to this whole murdered-his-fiancée thing.
During The Joker's interrogation:
Lt. James Gordon: Harvey Dent never made it home.
The Joker: Of course not.
Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?
The Joker: Me? I was right here. [holds up his arms in handcuffs] Who did you leave him with? Your people? Assuming, of course, they are still your people, and not Maroni's. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current predicament?
Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?
The Joker: What's the time?
Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?
The Joker: Well, depending on the time, he could be in one place...or several.
The Joker clapping after Gordon is promoted to commissioner. That was an ad-lib too which makes it even funnier.
The start of the movie during the deal with the Scarecrow and the Mafia. The Mafia guys bring dogs to detect Batman and they spot one of the impostors dressing as him. That is, until he pulls out a gun.
Scarecrow: That's not him.
(The real Batman show up in his tumbler)
Scarecrow: That's more like it.
Murphy's Law kicking in during the convoy scene when the SWAT member tells Harvey Dent that the Joker will need something stronger than a machine pistol or a shotgun to stop the armored truck.
Most of reactions the SWAT officer riding shotgun has to what's happening. It's like if you put a real person into the kind of crap that happens in Gotham on a routine basis. The driver is completely silent even when the Joker is raking the truck with a machine pistol and making evasive moves to avoid the Tumbler. That's because Gordon is the driver.
After the Joker leaves Harvey's hospital room and right before he blows up the hospital, he also takes the time to stop and apply disinfectant spray from one of those wall-mounted hand pumps ever-so-calmly! Meaning he's got good hygiene.
This little bit of dialogue between Alfred and Harvey at the fundraiser party:
Harvey: Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?
Alfred: Oh, you have no idea.
Another at the start during the Mafia/Scarecrow scene when the Batmobile busts in. The thugs shoot at it and stop when they get no response. It shifts inside to show its on automatic with the setting on "Loiter" after a minute it switches to "Intimidate" and opens fire on the thugs. Just the way its set up along with the timing is hilarious.
After Harvey Dent has experienced Batman's trademark Stealth Hi/Bye routine for the first time:
One of the things that makes the plane scene so good is that the CIA Agent is played by Littlefinger. Watching that slimy rat (who has still to get is comeuppance) have the crap beaten out of him is incredibly cathartic.
Selina Kyle, disguised as a maid, steals a necklace which belonged to Martha Wayne. Bruce shoots an arrow at the target she's standing in front of, comments on how similar "her" necklace looks to his mother's necklace, and opens the "uncrackable" safe to reveal the empty box.
Selina Kyle: Oops. Nobody told me it was uncrackable.
Bruce Wayne: I'm afraid I can't let you take those.
Selina Kyle: Look, you wouldn't beat up a woman, anymore than I would beat a cripple. [Selina walks towards Bruce and suddenly knocks his cane out from under him] Of course exceptions have to be made. [climbs onto a windowsill] Good night, Mr. Wayne. [backflips out the window]
Catwoman: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men
Bruce shutting down everyone's cameras at the ball. It's the same EMP gun he'll later use in the stock exchange pursuit.
Bruce reaches into his pocket for his valet ticket. Then he finds out the hard way that Selina's stolen it.
Valet: Your wife told me you'd be taking a cab home.
Bruce Wayne: My wife?
[Cuts to Selina Kyle driving away in Bruce's car; he climbs into Alfred's car]
Alfred Pennyworth: Just you, sir? Don't worry, Master Wayne. Takes a little time to get back in the swing of things.
The giddy smile on Selina's face as she's gunning the engine and Alfred's comment are what complete the scene. Alfred looks like he's about to burst out laughing at poor Bruce.
The headline of the newspaper breaking the news about Bruce Wayne: "From Billionaire to Bum". It couldn't be said any better than that to describe what Bane did to him.
When Batman first appears in the chase, Simon Jansen fires at him and winds up destroying his EMP gun. Batman turns around and gives him a "really?" look. Jansen just looks down bashfully and apologizes while Kelly tells him to "Get back in the car before you hurt yourself."
Their dynamic throughout the whole film is brilliant, especially when the lights go out, and Jansen looks frightened, and Kelly just says: "Boy, are you in for a show tonight son." And later, when Foley says "like a rat in a trap, gentlemen!" before the Bat flies out of the alley, and Kelly says "You might have the wrong animal there, sir!"