Bender: A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says, <falls through ceiling>"OHH SHIIIT!"
Made even funnier because that was improvised, apparently, and because we never hear the end of it.
The scene where Bender takes a screw out of the door so it won't stay open, and the hilarity that ensues.
And when Vernon gets Andrew to help him to prop the door open:
Bender's genuine bewilderment at Claire's lunch. Even Claire finds it funny, and in a good-natured way.
"Can I eat?" "I don't know. Give it a try."
The lunch scene in general is pretty hilarious, but some of the best was Andrew pulling endless amounts of food out of his bag, only to find the rest of his classmates looking at him in shock before exclaiming 'What's your problem?'
Everyone's "what the hell" expressions at Allison's lunch.
Then there's the matter of Vernon's lunch. He goes to pour his coffee from his Thermos into a paper cup...which then spills out all over his desk, his untouched sandwich and knocks over the cup. Even better, the "coffee" doesn't even resemble coffee and looks more like chocolate syrup or an element that exists in nature. He even lampshades this, saying it looked like mud and "something that was scraped from the bottom of the Mississippi River." Plus, the stupid look he had on his face after it happened, complete with a piece of orange sitting in his mouth.
The long argument between Allison and Claire, which starts with Allison telling the group she's a raging nymphomaniac, and ends with the group coercing Claire into admitting (much to her embarrassment) that she's a virgin.
Alison: I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar.
The scene where Bender is ripping apart a library book:
Andy: That's real intelligent.
Bender(completely deadpan): You're right, it's wrong to destroy literature. Such fun to read. (rips out another page)Molay really pumps my nads.
Allison: "Nothing. ...I didn't have anything better to do..."
"I've seen her dehydrated. It's pretty gross."
"Chicks can't hold their smoke. That's what it is".
Vernon trying to give Bender a lecture about pulling the fire alarm:
Vernon: What if your home... what if your family... what if your *dope* was on fire?
Bender: [truthfully] Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.
After Andrew tearfully reveals to the others the pressures his win-at-all-costsdad keeps pushing on him, Bender gives a smartass response of saying how he can relate: "I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling."