Funny: The Andy Griffith Show

  • Many, many examples, but this bit from The Pickle Story particularly stands out:
    (looking over Aunt Bea's homemade pickles)
    Barney: "Shoo fly!" (beat) "He's dead..."
    • From the same episode, while they're surreptitiously switching out Aunt Bea's pickles:
      Andy: "Now, you understand why we're doing this, don't you?"
      Opie: "Uh huh; because we don't wanna hurt Aunt Bea's feelings, and you don't want me to get sick again."
  • Opie is on the phone with Ms. Crump and Barney is prompting him:
    Ms. Crump: "Opie, is anyone there with you?"
    Opie: "She wants to know if anyone's here with me."
    Barney: "No! No one! You're alone."
    Opie: (into the phone) "Barney says no one."
  • Barney tries to call Thelma-Lou while Opie is over. Opie answers the phone:
    Barney: "Hey, pussy-cat!"
    Opie: "Oh, hi Barney."
  • Andy goes out of town on business for a day, leaving Barney in charge. When he gets back, Barney has about half the town locked up, including the Mayor, Aunt Bea, and Opie!
  • "Now here at The Rock, we have two basic rules...."
  • Andy breaks up a Hatfields and McCoys (or Montague and Capulet, considering that their kids want to get married) style feud by pretending to arrange a duel between the two crusty old guys. Neither one of them wants to actually shoot the other, and when Andy fires a shot into the air both of them run for it. He gets them together later, pointing out that their kids don't care what their parents think, they love each other.
    Andy: Why, you mix these two fine bloods together here and you two old buzzards are liable to get yourselves a grandson that can't be nothing in this world but a natural born hero! Why, yes sir! Why, you let these two young'uns [stops as both men point their shotguns at him] Now what is it.
    Buzzard 1: You just stop the blabbering, sheriff, and get on with the marrying.