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Funny: That '70s Show
  • Red's American pride, and how he considers any other countries inferior, especially when it comes to war.
    • For example, when he was eating waffles...
    Eric: What's so Belgian about them?
    Red: They crumble at the hands of the Nazis.
    Red: Damn U.S. government? If it wasn't for the U.S. government, you'd be stuck in Siberia sucking the juice out of a rotten commie potato!... If the government wants to shove a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You!" and "God Bless America!"
  • When the gang was trying to sneak the Vista Cruiser out, they get caught.
    Kelso: It's Red!! Run!! [bolts, leaving everyone else behind]
    • This is made even better by Red's reaction...
    Red: Kelso, get back here.
  • From the begining of the episode "Hyde Moves In", instead of just crusing the Vista Cruiser all night, the gang decide to go skinny-dipping. However, there are some...unfortunate consequences
    • Also from that episode, there's this:
    Fez: Hey, naked is dirty. (singing) Dirty, dirty, dirty!
    Everyone (singing): Dirty, dirty, dirty! Dirty, dirty, dirty!
  • Here's...probably the funniest moment from Season One
    (talking about how Jackie "whips" Kelso in the Circle)
    Hyde (imitating Jackie): "Michael, call me at 8:00!"
    Eric (also imitating Jackie): "Michael, do your Chico impression!"
    Fez (also imitating Jackie): "Michael, rub oil on my thighs, while I spank you."
    (Kelso, Hyde and Eric are visibly disturbed by what Fez just said. Now, back to Fez.)
    Fez (uncomfortable): ...please someone else talk now.
  • Donna and Eric are sitting on the hood of the Vista, discussing how she's on the Pill, but she doesn't want to do anything sexual yet — but she promises she'll let him know when she's ready. Eric says okay, then two seconds later asks, "How about now?" Donna says no. "Okay. ...How about now?" Another no. "Okay... how about NOW?" Donna just smiles and leaves Eric sitting alone on the car. ...Then after a moment, Red comes from around the corner with a garden hose in his hand and COMPLETELY douses Eric.
    Red: ...It's for your own good, son.
  • Eric and Hyde are talking about Hyde's relationship with Jackie when Kelso, who has no idea about it, comes in and asks what they were talking about. Eric and Hyde simultaneously answer, "Indy 500". They then look at each other, nod knowingly, and say, "Nice!"
    • Don't forget the scene leading up to that part:
    Eric: But, man, she's the devil!
    Hyde: What can I do? She's hot.
    Eric: No, you only think she's hot because she's made of hellfire.
    Hyde: All right, what if you were stranded on a desert island with her?
    Eric: [pause] Murder-suicide.
    • Made even better by the fact that Eric is incapable of seeing Jackie as attractive because of her abrasive personality, until Hyde tells him to tune her out like he does. Cue the same scene again, but with the sound turned off.
    Eric: "Holy crap... she IS hot!"
  • "He said he was going hunting. He had a whistle and a stick."
  • Red coaches Eric on how to win a fight. Bob, out of nowhere, chimes in, "Hit him with a banjo."
    Red: You can't hit someone with a banjo Bob, that's playing dirty (to Eric) you want to knee him in the groin.
  • Donna has given Eric a horrible ring as a gift. Hyde points out how she got her clothing/accesory taste from her dad.
    Eric: Hyde, Fez, my girlfriend has bad taste'
    Fez: Well, she is dating you!
  • When Red catches the boys smoking pot
    Red: I wish I had 2000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!!!!
  • After Kelso sees Jackie kissing Hyde, he prepares to make Hyde confess by challenging him to a battle of wits. The result is this:
    Hyde: What's up?
    Kelso: That's an interesting question, Hyde. What is up?
    Hyde: Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.
    Kelso: Aaaaaaah, so the battle of wits has begun!
    Hyde: What battle of wits? I admit it. I'm messing around with Jackie.
    Kelso: I hate you!
    (Kelso slams into a speaker eye-first when Hyde dodges his charge.)
    Kelso: Ow, my eye!
  • On the subject of shooting bears out of season:
    Kelso: Who's the jury gonna believe, me or a dead bear?
    Everyone Else: Dead bear.
  • In the episode 'Eric's Panties', Donna finds a pair of panties on the Vista Cruiser, and is conviced that Eric is cheating on her with another woman. So, she goes off to the Hub to confront Eric of the matter. Shelly, the girl Donna suspects to be said girl, denies and leaves. Eric then says that he has no idea who the panties belong to... Midge, Donna's mom, comes rushing in afterwards (guess where she and Bob had sex a short while ago...):
    Midge: Donna! (runs over to Donna and grabs the panties) Those panties are mine.
    Kelso: ERIC! (He and Fez bow down to Eric) YOU ARE A GOD! (Screen cuts to Eric, Donna, and Midge looking very annoyed, before turning back to the two) A GOD I SAY!
    • This troper personally thinks that's the funniest moment ever on the show. The first time I saw it, I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes.
  • Mitch Hedberg as Frank, the clerk at The Hub.
    Frank: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
    Kelso: You have both your legs, Frank.
    Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!
  • Eric returns home from the Drive-In where he and Donna made out for the first time. He finds Red smoking a cigarette when earlier he and Kitty had sex in the car.
    Red: How was the movie?
    Eric: It was good.
    Red: How did it end?
    Eric: I don't remember.
    Red: 'Atta boy.
    Eric: Good night dad.
    Red: Good night son. Oh, and be quiet going up the stairs. Your mother is... very tired.
  • "A wise man once said 'Know Thyself.' That man's name... was Tater Nuts!
  • Fez is trying to get his green card to stay in America. Donna and Jackie tutor Fez. Unfortunately, Red doesn't like what they are teaching and takes matters into his own hands. Thus begins the most hilarious thing recorded on television. Ever.
  • Red in The Circle. Sure it may have been from a Kelso dream sequence, but it is still definitely a crowning foot up the ass of funny.
    Red: (holds up a can of whipped cream) I'm tellin' ya, this stuff isn't just for cakes. It's great all by itself. (squeezes the cream into his mouth and laughs) Wait, wait... watch this. (squeezes the cream into a pile on top of his head) Look at me. I'm Whipped Cream Head. Fear me. ALL FEAR WHIPPED CREAM HEAD!
  • When the guys are mistakenly jailed for driving someone else's car, Eric is elected to talk them out of jail... but the cops were just about to let them go. Then one cop notices Eric's last name:
    Cop #2: Hey, is your father Red Forman?
    Eric: Yes?
    Cop #2: You poor bastard!
  • The parents get into Hyde's "special brownies", and Hilarity Ensues. Pretty much the entire episode after that point is one long Crowning Moment Of Funny as Red sells the Vista Cruiser and Eric and Hyde have to try to get him to focus so they can find out who he sold it to and get it back.
  • Bob aguing with "Fatso". Must be seen to be believed. Just hear the hatred and hammyness in the final line.
    Hyde: That was awesome! Bob just got into a fight with a ceramic clown!
    Donna: Believe it or not, it wasn't the first time!
  • "Hey guys, I finally found my gun... guys?"
  • "Dude, you shot him!"
  • "I stole my dad's tap! Back... from those thieves..."
  • What are you doing in Canada?
  • Fez's reaction to Kelso being shirtless after a fight with Jackie in which she snatches the shirt he was wearing since it was a gift from her: "YOU! DON'T POINT AT ME WITH YOUR POINTY NIPPLES!"
  • A great episode is Jackie's father's cabin. The whole back and forth with the doll expo, and the missing stash is hilarious, but the crowning moment of it all
    Red: Kelso, what the hell is this?
    Kelso: If you mean paprika, then yes sir!
    Kitty: Michael, honey, paprika is red.
    Kelso: If you mean green paprika, then yes sir!
    Red: Green paprika? What on Earth-?
    Kelso: (whispering to Hyde) Hyde, what am I thinking of?
    Hyde: Oregano.
    Kelso: If you mean oregano, then yes sir!
  • A classic, during breakfast time.
    Eric: Leggo my Eggo.
    Red: Leggo my foot up your ass!
  • "You are about to read a book that my foot wrote! It's called On the Road to In Your Ass."
  • Chocolate Super Lax! It's even funnier in context.
    • In The Stinger, Kelso comes back, compliments Eric and Donna on their glorious burn, but warns them he won't fall for something like that again...while he picks up another brownie and starts eating it.
    Donna: ...I love our friends.
  • Whatever ever you do, don't give Fez the amaretto. No matter how much it tastes like liquid candy...
    Fez: I am a winter nymph! I love the snow! HOORAY AMERICA!!!
  • In one episode the Foremans are throwing a barbeque and Eric comes up with a series of plans to embarass Donna's then boyfriend Casey Kelso, which leads to Hyde comparing him to Daffy Duck.
    Hyde: How about, you set up a complex system of ropes & pulleys, and then, when Casey walks by, you drop an anvil on his head.
    Fez: Because that is what Daffy would...
    Eric: Yeah, I got that Fez.
    • Hyde: "Wow, that worked out thuper!"
  • Kelso and the door.
  • Can't remember the episode, but there is one where Kelso attempts to leap over the couch, trips over the table, and somehow lands on two feet. The look on Asthon Kutcher's face clearly says "that was not supposed to happen."
  • Bob getting into an argument with Fatso the Clown
  • Young Red crying over his first breakup.
  • While trying to steal a street sign to give to Hyde for his 18th Birthday the gang sends Kelso to steal a hacksaw from Red.
    Red: Kelso! What are you doing?
    Kelso: I need a saw so I can... chop down a tree. Because there's a rabbit stuck in it. And I need to get it down so it can lay its eggs.
    Red: Kelso! Rabbits don't lay... How did a rabbit get up a tree?
    Kelso: Eric threw it up there
    Red: Eric... threw a rabbit... up a tree?!
    • Also from the same episode Kelso tries to bring the sign down with a fire cracker. When the fire cracker to turn out to be a dud so he puts it in his jacket pocket. It then later explodes in his pocket.
      • Equally hilarious is the exchange where Kelso and Eric argue about who should check if the firecracker is a dud:
    Kelso: You're like, super skinny, if it blows up, you've got the best chance of having stuff not hit you
    Eric: But on the other hand, no one would be surprised if you blew yourself up
    Kelso: That's true
    • Or when he ties a rope to the signpost and then to his van's bumper to pull it down. Instead, the bumper comes off.
  • "Oh, don't tell me crap shoes is coming with us." "IT WAS ON FIRE!"
  • When Eric comes home from "Hyde's Christmas Rager" all drunk and hung over:
    Eric: My head hurts.
    Red: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
  • The boys are hanging out under the stars, hoping to spot a UFO. Leo walks up and joins them.
    Hyde: Leo, what are you doing here?
    Leo: Wow, that's a really good question.
  • "You just hung vacancy signs on your asses, and my foot is looking for a place to stay!"
  • After being gone for several seasons (Tommy Chong was arrested) Leo shows up out of the freaking blue when Eric is stranded just outside the city limits.
  • This entire Last-Second Word Swap-based scene.
  • The Superhero Fantasy
    Red as villainous "Dr. Bald": Greetings, Super Dumbasses!
  • After Eric reads Donna's journal he thinks she wants him to be more of a badass so he gets a tattoo. When he goes to show Donna, he imagines himself as Steven Tyler, kicking Donna's bedroom door and wowing her. In reality he tries to kick the door down and bounces off.
    • The scene where Eric's getting his tattoo counts as well. He let's Leo do it, resulting in this bit of dialogue:
    Leo: Debbie's gonna love this man
    Eric: Yeah...Wait, who's Debbie?
    Leo: Your girlfriend!
    Eric: It's Donna!
    Leo: Oh...I can fix it!
    Fez: You should get a tattoo of boobs.
    Leo: I can make the B's into boobs
    Eric: What B's?
    Leo: In Debbie, your girlfriend!
    Eric: It Donna!
    Leo: Oh right....I can fix it!
    • The best part is when Eric shows Donna the tattoo, and she tells him what Leo actually drew: Woodstock.
  • The Foremans playing poker with Pastor Dave. When it comes time for Laurie to show her hand, she lays down 3 of a kind... 3 sixes, to be precise. Pastor Dave's reaction is priceless.
    • Also the Christmas Special where poor Pastor Dave tries to get the kids to collaborate in the church... and ends up tied to a chair with X-Mas lights.
  • God, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch ?
  • Red and Kitty have to cut short their evening out, and kitty goes to phone Eric to let him know:
    Red: Kitty, don't call to let him know we're coming home early! If he's doing something he shouldn't - and we both know he is - it's important that I catch him at it.
    Kitty: Why?
    Red: Because it gives me pleasure.
  • Red reminisces the first time he went through a break-up.
  • The episode where Fez supposedly throws Kitty's engagement ring out the car window. Especially in the forest.
    Hyde: Whoa, did you guys hear that? It's the wild call of the brown-haired pygmy bitch!
  • This line
    Kitty: What is your wrong with you! were you drop on your head?
    Kelso: Yes, I was! And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it!
  • Kelso and the flare gun. Full stop.
  • When the chief of police finds out that Kelso is going to be a father.
    Chief: Who would breed with you??
  • In "Eric's Birthday", Kitty narrating what could happen at Eric's party
    • "Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?"
      • The best part of that line is that when you see Imaginary Donna and Jackie hold up their hands, you can clearly see HYDE hold his hand up in the background as well.
    • "Quiet, you silly American! I am making a long distance call on your parent's phone!"
  • Red buys a VCR and wants to try it out as Roots is playing, Kitty however just wants to watch it while its playing but Red doesn't want to do it claiming they can watch it numerous times after they record it. So Kitty has to wait two hours and when Red finally turns it on it's not playing, he checks and realized he forget to put the tape in so it could record. Kitty is not happy.
    • "For making me miss Roots I'm going to go the kitchen and make Brownies, and your not getting any!!"
  • Eric trying to figure out what Laurie said about him, which causes him to admit that his nickname at summer camp was "Doctor Peepee" thinking that's what Laurie told him. Kelso starts making fun of him, Eric has four words for him.
    Eric: Big Chief Brown Bottom.
    • Then Eric and Laurie start revealing stuff about each other in front of Hyde and Fez.
      Eric: Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
      Laurie: In the fifth grade Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit, 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face!
      Eric: You stuffed in high school.
      Laurie: So did you!
      Eric: Last year Laurie used all her birthday money to buy a back massager. Which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
      Laurie: Well! That's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with Dorothy Hamilton poster and you were all-
      Fez and Kelso: WHAT?!
      Eric: Yeah, Laurie was born with a tail!
      Laurie: I hate you!
      • Kelso then realizes he slept with the devil.
  • When Kelso and Donna have to hide under a bed:
    Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass.
    Kelso: It was an accident.
    Donna: It's still there.
    Kelso: It's still an accident!
    Donna: Kelso, it's still there!
    Kelso: [Laughs] Yeah.
  • In an early episode, the Formans invite Laurie's college professor to dinner to talk about her failing grades. During dinner, he proclaims his love for Laurie, which quickly gets him kicked out and leads to this hilarious comment by Kitty:
    Kitty: My God, he was in love with you and you still couldn't pass?
  • "Oral report on the penal code".
  • In the episode where Kitty and Red chaperone the guys as they visit The University Of Wisconisn, Kitty breaks Kelso's irritating electronic football game. In the credit sequence, Kelso shows up with a note from "his parents" asking him to replace it.
    Red: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman, please give Kelso 30 dollars to replace the game you broke. Signed, My Parents
    *Kitty who up to this point in the episode have had terrible mood swings due to menopause starts to laugh*
    Red: Hell, you made her laugh, that's worth 30 bucks! *pays Kelso*
  • Red and Eric looking up Menopause in the World Book.
    Eric: Look at the symptoms. Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair... Oh, Dad, I think you have Menopause!
  • Jackie and Hyde explaining how they hooked up. In Jackie's version, Hyde is a perfect gentleman, and even calls her "my lady." Hyde's version is...simpler:
    Hyde: (voice-over) I'm hangin' out in the basement like I usually do, when Jackie showed up. It was obvious she wanted me.
    Jackie: I want you.
    Hyde: (bored) It's obvious. (they start making out)
    • This actually becomes something of a Running Gag, with Jackie's fantasy sequences about Hyde not exactly meshing well with reality, such as him joining her in cheerleading practice, or a spontaneous wedding at The Hub.
  • Red's words of wisdom n "Thanksgiving":
    Eric: It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
    Red: (earnestly) Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you... is because you're a dumbass.
  • The guys watch a porno in a theater:
    Fez: I don't know what's going on, but that is the LUCKIEST pizza boy ever.
    Hyde: I agree. There's like 9 boobs in this scene alone.

    Fez: Aww, nothing's gonna happen in this scene, it's just two ladies.

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