Red: Damn U.S. government? If it wasn't for the U.S. government, you'd be stuck in Siberia sucking the juice out of a rotten commie potato!... If the government wants to shove a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You!" and "God Bless America!"
When the gang was trying to sneak the Vista Cruiser out, they get caught.
Donna and Eric are sitting on the hood of the Vista, discussing how she's on the Pill, but she doesn't want to do anything sexual yet — but she promises she'll let him know when she's ready. Eric says okay, then two seconds later asks, "How about now?" Donna says no. "Okay. ...How about now?" Another no. "Okay... how about NOW?" Donna just smiles and leaves Eric sitting alone on the car. ...Then after a moment, Red comes from around the corner with a garden hose in his hand and COMPLETELY douses Eric.
Red: ...It's for your own good, son.
Eric and Hyde are talking about Hyde's relationship with Jackie when Kelso, who has no idea about it, comes in and asks what they were talking about. Eric and Hyde simultaneously answer, "Indy 500". They then look at each other, nod knowingly, and say, "Nice!"
Don't forget the scene leading up to that part:
Eric: But, man, she's the devil!
Hyde: What can I do? She's hot.
Eric: No, you only think she's hot because she's made of hellfire.
Hyde: All right, what if you were stranded on a desert island with her?
Made even better by the fact that Eric is incapable of seeing Jackie as attractive because of her abrasive personality, until Hyde tells him to tune her out like he does. Cue the same scene again, but with the sound turned off.
Eric: "Holy crap... she IS hot!"
"He said he was going hunting. He had a whistle and a stick."
Red coaches Eric on how to win a fight. Bob, out of nowhere, chimes in, "Hit him with a banjo."
Red: You can't hit someone with a banjo Bob, that's playing dirty (to Eric) you want to knee him in the groin.
Donna has given Eric a horrible ring as a gift. Hyde points out how she got her clothing/accesory taste from her dad.
Eric: Hyde, Fez, my girlfriend has bad taste'
Fez: Well, she is dating you!
When Red catches the boys smoking pot
Red: I wish I had 2000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!!!!
After Kelso sees Jackie kissing Hyde, he prepares to make Hyde confess by challenging him to a battle of wits. The result is this:
Hyde: What's up?
Kelso: That's an interesting question, Hyde. What is up?
Hyde: Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.
Kelso: Aaaaaaah, so the battle of wits has begun!
Hyde: What battle of wits? I admit it. I'm messing around with Jackie.
Kelso: I hate you!
(Kelso slams into a speaker eye-first when Hyde dodges his charge.)
Fez is trying to get his green card to stay in America. Donna and Jackie tutor Fez. Unfortunately, Red doesn't like what they are teaching and takes matters into his own hands. Thus begins the most hilarious thing recorded on television. Ever.
Red: (holds up a can of whipped cream) I'm tellin' ya, this stuff isn't just for cakes. It's great all by itself. (squeezes the cream into his mouth and laughs) Wait, wait... watch this. (squeezes the cream into a pile on top of his head) Look at me. I'm Whipped Cream Head. Fear me. ALL FEAR WHIPPED CREAM HEAD!
When the guys are mistakenly jailed for driving someone else's car, Eric is elected to talk them out of jail... but the cops were just about to let them go. Then one cop notices Eric's last name:
Cop #2: Hey, is your father Red Forman? Eric: Yes? Cop #2: You poor bastard!
The parents get into Hyde's "special brownies", and Hilarity Ensues. Pretty much the entire episode after that point is one long Crowning Moment Of Funny as Red sells the Vista Cruiser and Eric and Hyde have to try to get him to focus so they can find out who he sold it to and get it back.
In The Stinger, Kelso comes back, compliments Eric and Donna on their glorious burn, but warns them he won't fall for something like that again...while he picks up another brownie and starts eating it.
Donna: ...I love our friends.
Whatever ever you do, don't give Fez the amaretto. No matter how much it tastes like liquid candy...
Fez: I am a winter nymph! I love the snow! HOORAY AMERICA!!!
In one episode the Foremans are throwing a barbeque and Eric comes up with a series of plans to embarass Donna's then boyfriend Casey Kelso, which leads to Hyde comparing him to Daffy Duck.
Hyde: How about, you set up a complex system of ropes & pulleys, and then, when Casey walks by, you drop an anvil on his head.
Can't remember the episode, but there is one where Kelso attempts to leap over the couch, trips over the table, and somehow lands on two feet. The look on Asthon Kutcher's face clearly says "that was not supposed to happen."
It wasn't. In fact, you can see Lisa Robin Kelly (Laurie Forman) start laughing before she realized he was going to keep going with the scene. The director liked it and decided to keep that take.
While trying to steal a street sign to give to Hyde for his 18th Birthday the gang sends Kelso to steal a hacksaw from Red.
Red: Kelso! What are you doing?
Kelso: I need a saw so I can... chop down a tree. Because there's a rabbit stuck in it. And I need to get it down so it can lay its eggs.
Red: Kelso! Rabbits don't lay... How did a rabbit get up a tree?
Kelso: Eric threw it up there
Red: Eric... threw a rabbit... up a tree?!
Also from the same episode Kelso tries to bring the sign down with a fire cracker. When the fire cracker to turn out to be a dud so he puts it in his jacket pocket. It then later explodes in his pocket.
Equally hilarious is the exchange where Kelso and Eric argue about who should check if the firecracker is a dud:
Red as villainous "Dr. Bald": Greetings, Super Dumbasses!
After Eric reads Donna's journal he thinks she wants him to be more of a badass so he gets a tattoo. When he goes to show Donna, he imagines himself as Steven Tyler, kicking Donna's bedroom door and wowing her. In reality he tries to kick the door down and bounces off.
The scene where Eric's getting his tattoo counts as well. He let's Leo do it, resulting in this bit of dialogue:
Leo: Debbie's gonna love this man
Eric: Yeah...Wait, who's Debbie?
Leo: Your girlfriend!
Eric: It's Donna!
Leo: Oh...I can fix it!
Fez: You should get a tattoo of boobs.
Leo: I can make the B's into boobs
Eric: What B's?
Leo: In Debbie, your girlfriend!
Eric: It Donna!
Leo: Oh right....I can fix it!
The best part is when Eric shows Donna the tattoo, and she tells him what Leo actually drew: Woodstock.
The Foremans playing poker with Pastor Dave. When it comes time for Laurie to show her hand, she lays down 3 of a kind... 3 sixes, to be precise. Pastor Dave's reaction is priceless.
Also the Christmas Special where poor Pastor Dave tries to get the kids to collaborate in the church... and ends up tied to a chair with X-Mas lights.
When the chief of police finds out that Kelso is going to be a father.
Chief: Who would breed with you??
In "Eric's Birthday", Kitty narrating what could happen at Eric's party
"Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?"
The best part of that line is that when you see Imaginary Donna and Jackie hold up their hands, you can clearly see HYDE hold his hand up in the background as well.
"Quiet, you silly American! I am making a long distance call on your parent's phone!"
"NOT THE LITTLEST HOBO! WHYYYYYYY?!"
Red buys a VCR and wants to try it out as Roots is playing, Kitty however just wants to watch it while its playing but Red doesn't want to do it claiming they can watch it numerous times after they record it. So Kitty has to wait two hours and when Red finally turns it on it's not playing, he checks and realized he forget to put the tape in so it could record. Kitty is not happy.
"For making me miss Roots I'm going to go the kitchen and make Brownies, and your not getting any!!"
Eric trying to figure out what Laurie said about him, which causes him to admit that his nickname at summer camp was "Doctor Peepee" thinking that's what Laurie told him. Kelso starts making fun of him, Eric has four words for him.
Eric: Big Chief Brown Bottom.
Then Eric and Laurie start revealing stuff about each other in front of Hyde and Fez.
Eric: Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
Laurie: In the fifth grade Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit, 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face!
Laurie: Well! That's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with Dorothy Hamilton poster and you were all-
Eric: LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL!
Fez and Kelso: WHAT?!
Eric: Yeah, Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie: I hate you!
Kelso then realizes he slept with the devil.
When Kelso and Donna have to hide under a bed:
Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass. Kelso: It was an accident. Donna: It's still there. Kelso: It's still an accident! Donna: Kelso, it's still there! Kelso:[Laughs] Yeah.
In an early episode, the Formans invite Laurie's college professor to dinner to talk about her failing grades. During dinner, he proclaims his love for Laurie, which quickly gets him kicked out and leads to this hilarious comment by Kitty:
Kitty: My God, he was in love with you and you still couldn't pass?
"Oral report on the penal code".
In the episode where Kitty and Red chaperone the guys as they visit The University Of Wisconisn, Kitty breaks Kelso's irritating electronic football game. In the credit sequence, Kelso shows up with a note from "his parents" asking him to replace it.
Red: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman, please give Kelso 30 dollars to replace the game you broke. Signed, My Parents
*Kitty who up to this point in the episode have had terrible mood swings due to menopause starts to laugh*
Red: Hell, you made her laugh, that's worth 30 bucks! *pays Kelso*
Eric: Look at the symptoms. Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair... Oh, Dad, I think you have Menopause!
Jackie and Hyde explaining how they hooked up. In Jackie's version, Hyde is a perfect gentleman, and even calls her "my lady." Hyde's version is...simpler:
Hyde:(voice-over) I'm hangin' out in the basement like I usually do, when Jackie showed up. It was obvious she wanted me.
Jackie: I want you.
Hyde:(bored) It's obvious. (they start making out)
This actually becomes something of a Running Gag, with Jackie's fantasy sequences about Hyde not exactly meshing well with reality, such as him joining her in cheerleading practice, or a spontaneous wedding at The Hub.
Red's words of wisdom n "Thanksgiving":
Eric: It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red:(earnestly) Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you... is because you're a dumbass.
The guys watch a porno in a theater:
Fez: I don't know what's going on, but that is the LUCKIEST pizza boy ever.
Hyde: I agree. There's like 9 boobs in this scene alone.
Fez: Aww, nothing's gonna happen in this scene, it's just two ladies.