- For starters, the "Thunder Buddies" song.
- "FUCK YOU, THUNDER! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!''
- Young John Bennett is eager to show his parents his newly sapient talking teddy bear. They react with the surprise and wonder one would expect: "JESUS H. FUCK!"
- "You owe me lobster money!"
- Young Ted matching comic wits with Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show:
Carson: I thought you were going to be taller.
Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier!
- John knocks a heckler in the face with the mic stand as he poorly serenades Lori. Later, he punches Robert out as he runs toward him.
- The party at Ted's place. Especially when the Chinese Guy shows up.
Ted: (drawing on a woman's boobs)
See! I told you Garfield
's eyes look like a pair of tits!
- While Ted was being carried over away from the crazy people's house:
Ted: I can hear the fat kid running. I hear him running, and that's hilarious. LEMME OUT!!!
- Ted referring to said "fat kid" as "Susan Boyle" and "Tubby McFatFuck".
- When Ted was talking to John over the phone after being kidnapped by Donny.
Ted: They got me, that freaky guy from the park, and that kid who I think is his son, but may also be his lover, I don't know.
- Young John is so unpopular, even the Jewish kid getting beaten up by the neighborhood kids tells him to go away.
- Patrick Stewart actually saying the line, "Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish...Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry; an absolute death machine."
- All of his lines are hilarious. Mostly because with his voice saying anything ridiculous is automatically funny.
- The "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue
- Rex died of Lou Gherig's disease!
- Donny was arrested for kidnapping a teddy bear, then released because of how incredibly stupid that sounded.
- Robert got a trainer, lost weight and became Taylor Lautner.
- A Deep South newscaster reports on Ted coming to life: "LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!"
- Some of Ted's brands of weed, including "Mind Rape", "Gorilla Panic," "They're Coming, They're Coming" and "This is Permanent."
- "Yeah whatever, thanks for 9/11."
- Ted's job interview.
Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
- The TV trailer version is also amusing: "Your wife's panties on my floor." That said, hearing the movie version makes the real line much funnier.
- From there, the multiple times Ted curses out his boss, has sex with his girlfriend on the produce, and gets promoted for it.
Ted: I fucked her with a rutabaga that I sold to a family with four kids.
Boss: How about a promotion?
Ted: You got a lot of problems, dont you?
- "You had a baby?! Is it still alive?"
- "Yoah magicuh wish wuhked! Yeah, I mean, you know, when you sewed me up, you pu' some schtuffing in da wrong places, sho I'm, I'm a li'l fucked up, but wiw you take cayuh of me fo-evoh and evoh?"
- Lori calls John's phone... and it plays "The Imperial March"
- "THERE IS A SHIT ON MY FLOOR!"
- Or is there a floor on the shit?
- John's reaction to it.
- "You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat!"
- "Hello, 911? This is an emergency! This man stole my teddy bear!"
- "Stick ya fuckin' asshole up ya fuckin' ass!"
- "I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin."
- John freaking out when Lori tries to pick up the poop.
- John listing every single trashy name he can think of while guessing Ted's new girlfriend's name at high speed.
- (on the hood of the car) "Hey, John? Total TJ Hooker, right!?"
- "Do I need to wash my hands before playing this game?" "No...th-that's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting!"
- Ted voicing the two fish in the fish tank. The second fish he even voiced in as Stewie Griffin.
- In the extended version, Tammy Lynn attacking Tanya when she catches the bouquet Lori throws after she and John get married.
- Ted asking if Donny has one of those creepy old-timey wooden horses with a real mane. He does.
Ted: Yup, there it is.
- Donny attempting to buy Ted with his railroad bonds.
Ted: Uh...well, you know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War, that actually sounds very appealing. Oh, wait! No, I'm sorry, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, and uh...I don't give a shit.