The party at Ted's place. Especially when the Chinese Guy shows up.
Ted:(drawing on a woman's boobs) See! Garfield's eyes are this woman's jugs!
While Ted was being carried over away from the crazy people's house:
Ted: I can hear the fat kid running. I hear him running, and that's hilarious. LEMME OUT!!!
Ted referring to said "fat kid" as "Susan Boyle" and "Tubby McFatFuck".
When Ted was talking to John over the phone after being kidnapped by Donny.
Ted: They got me that freaky guy from the park and that kid who I think is son but may also be his lover I don't know.
Young John is so unpopular, even the Jewish kid getting beaten up by the neighborhood kids tells him to go away.
Patrick Stewart actually saying the line, "Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish...Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry; an absolute death machine."