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Funny: Ted
  • For starters, the "Thunder Buddies" song.
    • "FUCK YOU, THUNDER! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!''
  • Young John Bennett is eager to show his parents his newly sapient talking teddy bear. They react with the surprise and wonder one would expect: "JESUS H. FUCK!"
    • "Is it a hugging gun?"
  • "You owe me lobster money!"
  • Young Ted matching comic wits with Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show:
    Carson: I thought you were going to be taller.
    Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier!
  • John knocks a heckler in the face with the mic stand as he poorly serenades Lori. Later, he punches Robert out as he runs toward him.
    John: Well someone had to go Joan Crawford on that kid.
  • The party at Ted's place. Especially when the Chinese Guy shows up.
    Ted: (drawing on a woman's boobs) See! Garfield's eyes are this woman's jugs!
  • While Ted was being carried over away from the crazy people's house:
    Ted: I can hear the fat kid running. I hear him running, and that's hilarious. LEMME OUT!!!
    • Ted referring to said "fat kid" as "Susan Boyle" and "Tubby McFatFuck".
  • When Ted was talking to John over the phone after being kidnapped by Donny.
    Ted: They got me, that freaky guy from the park, and that kid who I think is his son, but may also be his lover, I don't know.
  • Young John is so unpopular, even the Jewish kid getting beaten up by the neighborhood kids tells him to go away.
  • Patrick Stewart actually saying the line, "Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish...Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry; an absolute death machine."
    Eventually, nobody gives a shit.
    • All of his lines are hilarious. Mostly because with his voice saying anything ridiculous is automatically funny.
  • The "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue
    • Rex died of Lou Gherig's disease!
    • Donny was arrested for kidnapping a teddy bear, then released because of how incredibly stupid that sounded.
    • Robert got a trainer, lost weight and became Taylor Lautner.
  • A Deep South newscaster reports on Ted coming to life: "LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!"
  • Some of Ted's brands of weed, including "Mind Rape", "Gorilla Panic," "They're Coming, They're Coming" and "This is Permanent."
  • "Yeah whatever, thanks for 9/11."
  • Ted's job interview.
    Frank: You think you got what it takes?
    Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
    Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
    Frank: You're hired.
    Ted: Shit.
    • The TV trailer version is also amusing: "Your wife's panties on my floor." That said, hearing the movie version makes the real line much funnier.
    • From there, the multiple times Ted curses out his boss, has sex with his girlfriend on the produce, and gets promoted for it.
  • "You had a baby?! Is it still alive?"
  • "Yoah magicuh wish wuhked! Yeah, I mean, you know, when you sewed me up, you pu' some schtuffing in da wrong places, sho I'm, I'm a li'l fucked up, but wiw you take cayuh of me fo-evoh and evoh?"
  • Lori calls John's phone... and it plays "The Imperial March"
    Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
    John: No. I-it's from The Notebook.
  • "THERE IS A SHIT ON MY FLOOR!"
    • Or is there a floor on the shit?
  • "You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat!"
  • "Hello, 911? This is an emergency! This man stole my teddy bear!"
  • "Stick ya fuckin' asshole up ya fuckin' ass!"
  • "I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin."
  • John freaking out when Lori tries to pick up the poop.
  • John listing every single trashy name he can think of while guessing Ted's new girlfriend's name at high speed.
  • (on the hood of the car) "Hey, John? Total TJ Hooker, right!?"
  • "Do I need to wash my hands before playing this game?" "No...th-that's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting!"
  • Ted voicing the two fish in the fish tank. The second fish he even voiced in as Stewie Griffin.
  • In the extended version, Tammy Lynn attacking Tanya when she catches the bouquet Lori throws after she and John get married.
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