That and helping Data finish "Pop Goes the Weasel". Also counts as a CMOH.
The Naked Now
On the note on Data, after he *ahem* shows Tasha Yar just how fully functional he is, he comes up to the bridge and Picard - seeing his 'I just got laid' look, assumes he's trying to imitate the human crew being drunk (funny in it's own right) and then gets called elsewhere.
Data, after Picard leaves, tries to lean against something...and topples over. The man sitting in the chair looking over his shoulder with a look of total bewilderment cements it.
Troi: (trying to hide a smirk) You're the captain, sir. You're entitled.
The Last Outpost
Data gives a briefing on the thing that is destroying their ship while playing with a Chinese finger trap. Halfway through the discussion, he pauses, upon finding that his fingers are stuck, and the briefing doesn't resume until Captain Picard leans over and frees him.
Geordi LaForge: (snickering) My hero.
Where No One Has Gone BeforeLonely Among UsJusticeThe Battle
Riker's outfit in "Angel One" [1x14] is bound to have you laughing along with Deanna and Tasha. Ditto Picard getting hit by a snowball.
11001001Too Short a SeasonWhen The Bough Breaks
Alexandra, the sweet little girl no older than four, from the episode "When the Bough Breaks" [1x17] was almost wanting hugs from Picard (who admits he's not exactly good with kids). He always accommodates her in spite of his discomfort. At the end of the episode she gives him flowers and sticks a cuddly Tribble to his back, much to his crew's (and the audience's) amusement.
Home SoilComing of AgeHeart of GloryThe Arsenal of FreedomSymbiosisSkin of EvilWe'll Always Have ParisConspiracyThe Neutral Zone
Wesley has just asked to stay on the Enterprise after Dr. Crusher leaves for Starfleet Medical and Picard is complaining about it:
Riker: (sarcastically) Yes, but who will tuck (Wesley) in at night?
Worf: (deadly serious) I will accept that duty, Commander.
Where Silence Has Lease
When Picard cancels the self-destruct and the computer asks for Riker's acknowledgement, he replies "Yes! Absolutely! I do indeed concur! Whole-heartedly!"" in quite the panic. Picard turns to him slowly and just says "A simple 'yes' would have sufficed, Number One."
Elementary, Dear Data
Geordi and Data are in the holodeck LARPing a Sherlock Holmes novel. Data has memorized them all and so reveals who the villain is in the first scene, so Geordi tells the holodeck to generate a 'program capable of beating Data'. Cut to the bridge.
Through the episode, Data had been trying hard to be funny but lacked the necessary sense of humor. However, as they see Okona off, he accidentally made a funny:
Wesley: Say goodbye, Data. Data:Goodbye, Data. (cue chuckles from the bridge crew)
In the scene between Data and the holographic comic (played by Joe Piscopo), Data is having a hard time imitating the comic's exaggerated gestures. It's astoundingly unfunny—until you realize that Data isn't badly imitating the holo-comic, Brent Spiner is making fun of Joe Piscopo.
Guinan: Shut up kid. (to Riker) Tell me more about my eyes.
Worf is next to be consulted, but his suggestions are, shall we say, somewhat forceful. Klingon still apparently involves a lot of roaring, or as the Klingons themselves call it... poetry.
Wesley: I'm sure that works great for the Klingons, but I'm not sure if that's for me.
Worf: Fine. Go to her door. Beg, like a human.
The Gilligan Cut to Worf's explanation of the Klingon female's role makes the episode.
Worf: Men do not roar! Woman roar. And throw heavy objects at you... (smiles)
Apart from the romantic subplot, all of the scenes involving that episode's aliens of the week are swimming in so much Stylistic Suck that you can't help but laugh. This scene with the chaperone is the stand-out, but there's another scene where Wesley's love interest goes to her quarters and finds the chaperone in the form of a short, hairy Ewok-like creature who communicates by unintelligibly squeaking...and proceeds to have a serious, straight-faced conversation with said creature.
ContagionThe RoyaleTime Squared
Riker decides to treat several members of the crew to homemade omelets, using some eggs he picked up on a random space station they stopped at. The crew are all appreciative, except for Worf who is being...well, Worf. A single bite into the omelettes, and the crew are almost rolling over in silent pain at how horrible they are. Not even Riker can stand the taste. Then, they all look at Worf, who is merrily snarfing his portion down and, when he sees them all staring at him in disbelief, politely asks for seconds.
The Icarus FactorPen PalsQ Who
Despite much of the dark tones, this episode had some of the best Q lines of any episode.
Like when, after bringing Picard back to the Enterprise, he meets Riker and Worf again.
Q: Ah, the redoubtable Commander Riker! ...And Microbrain! Growl for me; let me know you still care!
That and poor Ensign Sonja Gomez splattering her new captain with hot chocolate. Then digging herself deeper while trying to apologize. Meanwhile, all Geordi can do is cringe behind her while she's blabbing.
Gomez: (turns to Geordi with a dejected look on her face) First impression. Isn't it what they say? First impressions are the most important?
Geordi: I'll tell you this, it's a meeting the Captain won't soon forget.
Picard explains why he has to visit Starbase 515, and we discover that he was a bit of a hellraiser as a new officer (and holder of an Idiot Ball):
Picard: ...I stood toe-to-toe with the worst of the three (Nausicaans), and I told him what I thought of him, his pals, his planet, and I possibly made some passing reference to his questionable parentage...
Up The Long Ladder
The whole episode, and the evacuation of a long-lost Earth colony of Irish farmers.
Picard realizes he was not going to have a typical day when O'Brien reports in from the transporter room...and the sounds of farm animals can be heard in the background. And then, as if to accentuate the point, as he and Worf are approaching the transporter room, a chicken flies out the door. The anachronism of the bird standing in the middle of a hallway on a 24th century starship like that is very amusing.
Picard's reaction to the chaos is quite possibly the best part. His back is to the camera, so Riker assumes that Picard has reached his limit, but then the captain turns around laughing with the biggest grin on his face. Coming from Patrick Stewart just makes it adorable as well as hilarious.
The episode turns up the funny even before Lwaxana Troi shows up - after other visitors, the Antidians (tall fish people who look nothing like humans or Klingons) are beamed aboard, some of the main crew explain some of their weirdness and Wesley cringes at their food (the aliens themselves are catatonic to avoid space travel "trauma"). Worf just stares in quiet fascination and when everyone else is done commenting, he says, softly: "What a handsome race." He continues to fawn over them (and get annoyed by Wesley's revulsion) - until Lwaxana casually reveals their true colours (they're assassins/terrorists).
Lwaxana's actual appearance is a rapid succession of them: harassing her pilot, insinuating on Picard's "naughty thoughts" to draw priceless faces from the captain as well as Riker and her daughter; asking where her own legs are upon being transported; her fright at the Antidian delegates...
Picard's reaction when Deanna explains her mother's condition (she's sexually hyperactive and attempting to focus on him as her only mate and eventual husband) and Riker's congratulations: "I'm not amused, Number One." He's terrified.
There's this amusing exchange between Troi and K'Ehleyr (who have already bonded a bit over their shared experience of having parents from different races and cultures) when Troi comes into K'Ehleyr's quarters to see that she's punched out a glass table:
Troi: You're upset. K'Ehleyr: Your finely-honed Betazoid sense tells you that? Troi: [smiles] Well, that and the table.
Worf has to pretend to be in command of the Enterprise to fool some time-displaced Klingons. When Riker asks him how it felt, he answers: "Comfortable chair."
Data loses to Kolrami in a strategy game and withdraws from the bridge. Troi and Pulaski tell Captain Picard that he is their only hope of getting Data back in action.
Picard: I'm less than 1 hour away from a battle simulation... and I have to handhold an android.
Pulaski: The burdens of command.
When Riker goes to recruit Worf for his ship: Worf's trying to build a ship-in-a-bottle, but the sound of the door causes him to snap the wood he's holding. When Riker comes in, he sees what Worf is doing and asks "Is this a bad time?" Worf simply sweeps everything off the desk into a garbage can and says "No, I'm finished." like that was what he was trying to do all along.
Data's closing line in the episode: "I busted him up."
Shades of Gray
While the situation is supposed to be dire, there's something inherently hilarious about John Philip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever" being played on all of the ship's intercoms.
Riker: Somehow we'll silence Sousa if he decides to play an encore.
While the Sheliak are frantically hailing him, Picard leisurely strolls across the bridge and inspects Enterprise's dedication plaque for dust, before leisurely strolling back to the viewscreen and finally deigning to answer the hail.
Data tries to make an emotional speech to rouse the colonists earnestly, but it comes off as nothing more than cynical and condescending (which he of course is incapable of). Black Humor ensues.
Data: You know of the Sheliak threat. Starfleet wishes to evacuate you for your own protection. Yet Gosheven has decided otherwise. That is his right, And I will not waste time trying to reverse that decision. I admire your conviction in the face of certain defeat. Though doomed, your effort will be valiant. And when you die, you will die for land and honour. Your children will understand that they are dying for a worthy cause. Long after the battle is over, their courage will be remembered and extolled. Ard'ian: Remembered by who? Data: Yes, that is true. There will be no one left alive to remember.
Worf's idea of small talk during a social call.
"Good tea. Nice house."
Who Watches The WatchersThe BondingBooby Trap
Picard likens an adrift vessel to a ship in the bottle, saying beaming down will be like going into the bottle. Riker completely misses the context, but then so does almost everyone else.
Picard: It is exactly as they left it, Number One. In the bottle. (Worf and Data stare at him, puzzled) Picard: Ship in the bottle. Oh, good Lord, didn't anybody here build ships in bottles when they were boys? Worf: I did not play with toys. Data: I was never a boy. O'Brien: I did, sir. Picard: Thank you, Mr. O'Brien.
Blatant Lies on Worf's part, considering "Peak Performance" above.
And after they beam over, Riker just gives O'Brien a deadpan look that screams "no-one likes a suck-up, Chief".
O'Brien: I did. I really did. Ships in bottles, great fun.
The EnemyThe PriceThe Vengeance FactorThe DefectorThe HuntedThe High GroundDeja Q
Q: I have no powers! Q, the ordinary! Picard: Q, the liar! Q, the misanthrope! Q: Q, the miserable! Q, the desperate! What must I do to convince you people?! Worf: Die. (beat as Riker tries desperately not to explode with laughter) Q: Oh, very clever, Worf. Eat any good books lately?
This one's a bit more chilling than funny.
Data: The captain and many of the crew are not yet convinced he is truly human.
Guinan: Really? (grabs a sharp fork and stabs Q's hand)
Most of "The Offspring" was made of Heartwarming, but when she spends time in Ten-Forward learning about human interaction, we get her attempts to understand things like hand-holding and kissing. The funny comes when Riker (who's unaware of her nature) enters, and she tries to test what she's seen and been told... by hauling Riker over the bar and planting a kiss on him, just in time for her father Data to come in.
Riker: Your daughter?! Nice to meet you. *quickly leaves*
There's also the reflex training.◊ Wesley tosses a ball for Lal to catch. It passes right by her and a few seconds later, she holds up her hand as if to catch it. Then she turns to Data, who, for supposedly not having emotions, gives her a very pained smile.
Sins of the FatherAllegianceCaptain's HolidayTin ManHollow Pursuits
When Riker, LaForge, and Deanna found their way to Barclay's... um... special holodeck program, Deanna's reaction to her own misappropriated image is hilarious.
Fantasy!Deanna: I am the Goddess of Empathy. Cast off your inhibitions, and embrace love, truth, joy.
Deanna: *gasp and stare of pure horror*
LaForge: *amused* Oh my God.
Deanna: Computer. Discontinue image of Troi...
Riker: Computer, delay that order.
Two seconds before, Riker was offended and Troi was trying to calm him down. Now look at him smirk.
Specifically, she was commenting about how it would provide an insight into Barclay's mind. Then when she calls for the computer to delete the... "Goddess of Empathy," he immediately counters her command, throwing her words back at her.
Let's not forget what Troi says to the "Goddess" before they leave.
Deanna: Muzzle it!
The Most Toys
Although it shows how unstable the character is, Kivas' reaction to being told some annoying business news is pretty funny:
Varia: The Andorians wish to make a bid on the shipment of Telurian spices you offered.
Picard: Mr Crusher, set a course for Betazed...(whispers) Warp 9.
Despite being an excellent actor, Patrick Stewart's (or at least Picard's) act falters for brief moments (it's not easy to spot and can't be called Corpsing); he was having too much fun in that scene even for THE Bald of Awesome to hide it perfectly.
Accidental Funny. Geordi is pointing out the hot woman across Ten-Forward.
Geordi: Don't stare!
Worf: Why not?
Geordi: Because she'll see!
Worf: Good. You must let her see the fire in your eyes.
Then she comes over herself, and we watch Geordi stumble his way through talking to her, while Worf (poorly) hides his disgust with Geordi's performance.
Worf: I have much to teach you about women!
Another one later, after Geordi gets zapped by some alien energy that has the unanticipated effect of making him a lot more confident and smooth. While in Ten Forward with Worf and Data, he sees the same woman, strikes up a conversation that goes well, and they leave together. Data is puzzled. Worf is ready with an explanation:
Worf: (proudly) I have been tutoring him. He learns very quickly.
The Best of Both Worlds
The Best of Both Worlds, Part IIFamilyBrothersSuddenly HumanRemember Me
Dr. Crusher finds herself on an Enterprise that's continuously losing crewmembers, and nobody notices, or seems to care. It gets really funny when it's down to just her and Captain Picard on the bridge.
Crusher: It's all perfectly logical to you, isn't it? The two of us roaming about the galaxy in the flagship of the Federation. No crew at all.
Picard: We've never needed a crew before.
There's also her description of Worf when he disappears and no one remembers him.
Crusher: The big guy who never smiles? The KLINGON?!
Her back-and-forth with the computer has a few gems as well, mostly with the computer as the straight-man to her working her way to a solution that, in her words, means there's "nothing wrong with [her and] something wrong with the universe."
Riker realizes the future he's been experiencing is a fake. An attempt to get him to calm down leads to:
Riker:SHUT UP! "Picard": I beg your pardon? Riker: I said "Shut up!" As in "close your mouth and stop talking!"
Final MissionThe LossData's Day
The ghastly◊ 'smile' he pastes on while practicing dancing in the holodeck.
The WoundedDevil's Due
"Devil's Due" is full of them, being rewritten from an unused script from the unproduced Phase II series which originally featured the TOS crew, and, as a result, is far more offbeat and campy than a traditional TNG episode (and the villain of the piece, Ardra, is played as campy as humanly possible). Notable, however, is this line.
Data: The advocate will refrain from making her opponent disappear.
Now imagine Spock saying that.
CluesFirst ContactGalaxy's Child
This little gem:
Data: Sir, is the appellation "Junior" to be the lifeform's official name?
Q: Jean-Luc, it's wonderful to see you! How about a big hug? ... Well don't just stand there, say something.
Picard: GET OUT OF MY CHAIR!
The "big hug" line was just before the commercial break, so if you picture Picard standing there for three minutes straight afterwards, it gets even funnier.
After Q has explained why he's here and vanished again, Picard calls Riker in:
Picard: He wants to do something nice for me.
Riker: I'll alert the crew.
Q explaining his motivation to do Picard a favor:
Q: I would've taken my own life if not for you. Picard: We all make mistakes.
The DrumheadHalf a Life
For being such a serious episode, "Half a Life" has perhaps the funniest moment of any Lwaxana episode. Troi makes the opening log entry, short and simple, in a voice full of trepidation: "My mother is on board." Then we cut to Picard timidly poking his head into a hallway to make sure the coast is clear.
Later, she barges into engineering with food (the man she's interested in is down there, so she brought lunch) and Mister Homm.
Lwaxana: Mister Homm is my valet. He doesn't say much.
Geordi:(aside to Data) How can he?
The HostThe Mind's EyeIn Theory
Picard's contribution to Data's quest for romantic advice: "I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know."
Worf's contribution from the same episode also counts, where he mentions that "Klingons do not...pursue relationships. They conquer that which they desire". Funny enough when you consider who he is giving it to, but then Worf makes an addendum:
Worf: However, Lieutenant D'Sora serves under my command. If she were...mistreated, I would be very displeased...Sir.
Data turns to walk down the hallway, stops, turns back around to Worf.
Data: I understand.
In Part 1, Guinan visits Worf on the practice range and asks to join him. Worf tells her he practices on Level 14.
Guinan: I guess I could come down to that level for a little while.
She then proceeds to never miss a shot as she casually converses with him.
Although intended as a heartwarming moment, this scene from "Lessons" when Geordi hears echoes of music coming from the Jeffries Tube is just hilarious. I'm kinda surprised Data couldn't hear anything as he walked in (amazing android hearing and all that), though.
Keiko and Worf are trapped in Ten Forward and she's about to give birth. Worf is not the best nursemaid.
Keiko: I'm going into labor.
Worf: You cannot. This is not a good time, Keiko.
Worf: I must urge you gently but firmly to push harder.
Worf: My computer simulation was not like this. That delivery was very orderly.
Keiko: Well, I'm sorry!
And, of course, the kicker.
Worf: Congratulations. You are fully dilated to ten centimeters. You may now give birth.
This sets up a Brick Joke when they meet again on Deep Space Nine. When he learns Keiko is due to have another child, Worf's first reaction is to ask, "NOW?" When informed that it will be in several months, he tells O'Brien that he will be far away from the station then.
And then there was this gem from the same episode:
Another from this episode, when Troi and O'Brien are discussing the "quantum filament" that has damaged the Enterprise, feels like a Suspiciously Specific Denial from the writers:
Troi: So it's like a cosmic string?
O'Brien: No. That's a completely different phenomenon.
Less Suspiciously Specific Denial and more Call Back - she at least knows what cosmic strings are, after what happened last season in the episode "The Loss," and looks positive crestfallen when O'Brien says they're not the same thing.
Then when Picard says "You have the bridge, Number One" and both Riker and the girl who Picard had appointed his "number one" during the crisis answer in unison, "aye sir". Cue Riker's trademark grin!
And then there's the final exchange in that episode:
Troi escorts the children to the side, then walks towards Riker.
Riker: "You just can't stay away from the big chair, can you?"
Troi: "I don't think I'm cut out to be Captain.... First officer maybe; I understand there aren't many qualifications!"
Riker (Shares an incredulous look with Worf, then taps his communicator) "Captain Picard to the bridge... please."
"What is that dreadful noise?! It sounds like a Bardakian pronghorn moose!"
The four-armed pianist offers some good zingers, most amusingly when Riker offers to play with her.
Amarie: Just what I need, another set of hands.
A Matter of TimeNew GroundHero WorshipViolationsThe Masterpiece SocietyConundrum
"Conundrum" has Worf sitting in Picard's chair or in his office pretty much the entire time that everyone thinks he's in command of the Enterprise. The strangeness of it for the audience is amazing.
Also from "Conundrum" - After the crew regains their memories, Riker comes into Ten-Forward to find Ro and Troi chatting at a table. This wouldn't normally be frightening, but given that he and Ro spent the night together during the memory loss, the look of trepidation on his face when he sees them is priceless. As is the subsequent scene where the two of them proceed to torture him.
Power PlayEthicsThe OutcastCause and EffectThe First DutyCost of Living
Lwaxana Troi's reaction upon hearing Alexander's name and the plan for a contract to establish household rules with his father Worf, and subsequent dismantling of the idea of it.
Deanna: Alexander, this is my mother.
Lwaxana: Alexander? What a wonderful name! You know, I once knew a tall, handsome warrior named Alexander; oh, he utterly adored me. We went everywhere, simply everywhere! Haha... Have you been anywhere ye-CONTRACT? What contract?
Also the last line of the episode:
Worf(in the Holodeck mud bath with the Trois and his son): You're just supposed to sit here?
The Perfect MateImaginary Friend
Data and Guinan are looking out one of the Ten Forward at a cloud formation, and Guinan starts picking out shapes.
Data: It is interesting that people try to find meaningful patterns in things that are essentially random. I have noticed that the images they perceive can sometimes suggest what they are thinking about at that particular moment. (beat) Besides, it is clearly a bunny rabbit.
Engineering debates on what to name a nebula.
LaForge: So, what are we gonna call this nebula? FGC 47 just doesn't have the proper ring to it. Daniel Sutter: Why don't we call it Sutter's Cloud? LaForge: No, I was thinking about something more along the lines of the LaForge Nebula. It has sort of a majestic sound, don't you think? Data: Given the selections, I prefer FGC 47.
While Clara and her friend Isabella are having a race through the corridors, they run straight into Worf. Worf turns out to be a softy and lets them off with a warning. Only Isabella has been startled to the point of being petrified, so Clara has to drag her along when they leave.
Ro has been wondering what Riker is going to say about her at her funeral half the episode, especially since he implied in the turbolift that he had something really poignant to say. When he arrives at the party, he immediately picks up the trombone and starts playing happily. Ro, who is firing a phased disruptor to create a signal, walks up to him and says "Now I'll never know what you were going to say about me." before firing the disruptor straight through his head.
Ro: "Please, not the Death Chant."
The Inner LightTime's Arrow
Time's Arrow, Part IIRealm of FearMan of the People
Deanna's advice while under the (negative) influence of another empath:
Janewaynote no, not that one: Well, yesterday I was running routine diagnostics on the sensor pallets. They checked out, but Lieutenant Pinder questioned me because I'd allowed a point oh two three variance. That's well within specifications. He goes out of his way to criticize me.
Troi: Do you know of any reason why he might do that?
Janeway: No, that's why I'm here.
Troi:(bored and blunt) Well, maybe he's just tired of hearing you complain.
Janeway: Pardon me?
Troi: I know I'm certainly tired of it. How do you think it feels to sit and listen to someone whine about themselves all the time?
Deanna then threatens to have Janeway transferred off the Enterprise in the most casually evil way possible if she can't cope with the pressure.
Later in the episode, Picard earns Scotty's respect by taking a massive belt of the green liquor. The look on Scotty's face is priceless. It gets better when Picard identifies the liquor and reveals he brought it on board himself.
The episode "Schisms" is largely a serious episode, but the teaser is hilarious just for Data's reading of Ode to Spot, a poem in iambic heptameter he'd written for his cat.
Picard, Ro, Guinan, and Keiko were turned into 12-year-olds in a transporter accident, though they kept theiradult memories, knowledge, and skills. When the ship is hijacked by Ferengi, the "kid" crew stage a revolt to get the ship back. In order to get Riker to turn over computer control to the schoolroom computer so Picard and company can corral the Ferengi, Picard accosts one of the Ferengi guards and demands to see his "father", throwing a spectacular tantrum:
Kid!Picard: "I want to see my father! I want to see him NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW—"
"Rascals" also involves Chief O'Brien being very awkward around his now adolescent wife, resulting in her giving a Full Name Ultimatum while grabbing him by the collar and yanking him down to her eye level, reminding him that she is still his wife. You can see him trying to think of a way to tactfully point out the obvious and failing horribly. And then he digs himself deeper by saying "technically, yes"...
No slight intended to the generally excellent child actors, but many of these scenes (like Picard's tantrum) get even funnier if you imagine, for example, Patrick Stewart petulantly stamping his feet or giving his "Number One Dad" a big fake hug.
When the Ferengi threathen to kill all children on board if Riker doesn't restore computer access and teach one of them how to operate it, Riker agrees to do so but then proceeds to distract him with longwinded Techno Babble (which he may or may not have made up on the spot: considering this is Star Trek, it's impossible to tell) while he gives full access to the classroom computer where the kids are being held, including Picard and co.
Picard on the bridge giving commands after being transformed. Everyone else is bewildered at taking orders from a 12 year old.
When Picard is restored to normal, one of the first things he does is regretfully reach up and feel his bald head.
A Fistful of Datas
Pretty much the entire episode, but especially Data as the barmistress, and the Enterprise flying off into the sunset. Some of the odder things:
Poor Troi (a lover of Westerns) can't get Worf to stay in character around her!
Worf:Counselor, I would appreciate some support in this matter!
Data himself lapses into a Texan accent without even realizing it.
Brent Spiner is a Houston native. He doesn't have to try hard.
Six decks of replicators are limited to producing cat food.
The Quality of LifeChain of Command, Part IChain of Command, Part IIShip in a Bottle
At the end, Picard makes a comment about how, for all they know, the Enterprise-D is a simulation in a box on someone's table. This prompts Reg Barclay to look around nervously and say, "Computer? End Program." Roll credits.
AquielFace of the EnemyTapestry
(shuffling into room) "Flowers! Is there a 'John Luck Pickard' here?"
Q greeting Picard:
Q: Welcome to the afterlife, Jean-Luc. You're dead.
And Picard's incredulous reaction:
Picard: (laughing) You're not God!
Q: Blasphemy! You're lucky I don't cast you out, or smite you or something.
Picard: I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed!
Pillow talk, the morning after:
Q: Morning, darling.
After Picard tells Q the story of how he got his artificial heart, Q tells him it's beautiful:
"It gets you right here, doesn't it?" (puts a hand to his chest, over the organ in question)
Also, when he greets him earlier in the scene: "You seem unimpaled so far."
Just as Picard has received an Armor-Piercing Slap, he asks Q if him being here will disrupt the timeline.
Q: Oh, you won't cause galaxies to explode or civilizations to fall. To be blunt: You're not that important.
Birthright, Part I
In Part 1, Geordi and Worf are having lunch on Deep Space Nine. They each get Pasta al Fiorella, but Geordi doesn't like it, whereas Worf gobbles it up.
Geordi: Worf, I don't see how you can eat that. It tastes like... liquid polymer.
The beginning of the episode has Worf asking to be allowed out of the reception that no one wants to attend. Picard gives him permission. Geordi then pipes up to ask the same. Picard gives him a stern, authoritative explanation that he can't have the entire bridge crew absent from the reception. With a grin, Picard adds that Worf beat him to it. Cue the smug smile on Worf's face.
Data writes a special subroutine for small talk for a party hosted by an officer everyone else is keen to avoid. Throughout the scenes of the man boring the senior staff with his chatter, Data can be seen silently miming the body language to practice. Then he goes up to Crusher and Riker, hammily introducing himself with a cheesy grin and a big handshake as though he hasn't seen them in years, doing such a flawless impression of their host that they crack up immediately.
Later Riker makes sure that Data and officer meet, and the pair hit it off spectacularly. The next time we see them, they're still chatting away and probably would've continued to do so until the end of the episode if they hadn't been interrupted by a group of space pirates.
"The Chase" involves a Klingon captain, Nu'Daq, on board the Enterprise while he waits for them to assemble data of interest to every major power in the quadrant. He approaches Data in Ten Forward and invokes a Klingon strength challenge while Data's doing some paperwork. The two rest their elbows on the table and lock arms, Nu'Daq counts down to the start of the challenge... and Data shoves Nu'Daq's arms aside casually and resumes his paperwork. Then Nu'Daq headbutts him and falls backward, Data not moving an inch. Data helpfully informs him of the details of his construction (including a metal skull and spinal column) to explain why that probably wasn't bright.
And then Nu'Daq drops his voice and attempts to bribe Data for the first crack at the information. Data observes at normal volume that "You are trying to bribe me," and by this point, they're clearly drawing attention. Nu'Daq just lets it go at that point.
Frame of MindSuspicionsRightful HeirSecond ChancesTimescape
Data's cat Spot has been the source of a few Funny Moments, particularly because Spot is rather antagonistic to most of the crew (excepting Worf and Lt. Barclay). In the beginning, Riker is in Sickbay, with Dr. Crusher healing two rather deep cuts on his forehead. Crusher tries to guess how he got it. Parisses Squares? No. Klingon calisthenics? No. What scratched him? Spot. He's so peeved that he suggests to Crusher the next time she approaches Spot to bring a phaser. Spot then goes on to ruin La Forge's quarters in "Force of Nature". He also suggests a phaser.
In the same episode, Picard making a smiley face in the extremely slow-moving warp coolant (pictured at top).
"He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no-one had a chance to interrupt; it was really quite hypnotic."
There's also this gem:
Troi [impersonating Dr. Mizan]: "So, Diana... I understand you're an empath. I'm a very [winks broadly] sensitive man, myself. I'm doing a thesis on interspecies mating rituals. Would you care to join me in some empirical research?
[Later, after Picard and Geordi have laughed]
Data: Did you help him with his research, Counselor?
Troi: Absolutely not.
Data: But I thought that was a topic you were interested in.
Worf taking zingers from Riker? Not unexpected. But coming off second best in an encounter with Data? Funny as hell.
Data: I have heard that in moments of diplomatic tension, it is often helpful to find elements of commonality. Worf: Ambassador Byleth is demanding, temperamental, and rude! Data: You share all of those qualities in abundance. Perhaps you should try to build on your similarities.
The best part of this was that Data sincerely thought he was being helpful.
Worf contemplating the very large knife he's holding for a loooooooong time is the perfect capper to the exchange.
Just as good was in the opening part of the episode, where Worf is complaining about the dress uniforms they have to wear.
Worf: These uniforms are ridiculous. They look like dresses!
Riker: (Angrily) Mister Worf, that is an outmoded, sexist attitude! (goes to leave, then turns around, and smiles) Besides, you look good in a dress!
InterfaceGambit, Part IGambit, Part II
The end of the two-parter, where Picard faked his death to go undercover and Riker pretended to go rogue to join him:
Picard: Number One, will you set a course for Starbase 227? I'll join you on the bridge shortly.
Riker: Wait a minute. You've been declared dead. You can't give orders around here.
Data: If we are to adhere to the exact letter of Starfleet regulations, then technically sir, you have been declared a renegade. In fact I believe you are facing twelve counts of court martial offenses. You cannot give orders either, sir.
Picard: That's quite right. And as I am supposed to be dead, I'll go and get some sleep, and Mr. Data, I suggest that you escort Commander Riker to the brig.
Data: Aye, sir. (Data grabs Riker to lead him towards the brig) This way, sir.
Riker: Data, he was joking. You know that, right? ... Data?
Earlier, Data's response to Picard and Riker's unexpected appearance as space pirates:
Troi: (examining Riker) He's only stunned.
Data: I must admit, I am experiencing a similar sensation.
Data asks Worf to take care of his cat, Spot:
Data: He will require water. And you must provide him with a sandbox. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat. And a good cat. And... (trails off upon seeing Worf's Death Glare)
Worf: I will feed it.
Worf is holding Spot at arm's length as if he can hardly bear to even touch the cat.
Also: "SPOT. COME HERE."
Also, Worf exiting, and the *sneeze* "meow!" we hear. Apparently Klingons (or at least Worf) are allergic to Terran kitties.
Gets funnier given that, in the novels set after the events of Star Trek: Nemesis, Spot has decided that she's now Worf's responsibility.
Picard: Bridge to Engineering. Mr. La Forge, why isn't my ship moving?
This is the same woman who constantly addresses him as "Mr. Woof."
Worf: (sigh) It is Worf, madam.
Also, at the beginning of the episode, Worf nonchalantly recounts the gruesome Bat'leth tournament.
Worf: The conditions were difficult. Several contestants were maimed.
There's also the surprise party that Riker and company put together to greet him. Worf keeps looking around, waiting for the 'surprise' as Riker chats with him. When Riker questions him, Worf admits his expectation. Very solemnly, Riker tells him that he HATES surprise parties and would never do that to him. Relieved, Worf settles in and Riker leaves. As Worf goes towards another section of his quarters and starts to take off his sash, out come the partiers. The look on his face is priceless. Then Riker enters, and puts a party hat on Worf's head (probably only managing to keep his limbs intact because he's a superior officer).
Riker:(big grin) I love surprise parties.
The party-goers sing 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow' in Klingon. Worf is not amused.note Considering he insists he's not a "Merry Man", it's doubtful he'd accept "Jolly Fellow" too.
Worf: That was NOT a Klingon song.
Troi: It wasn't easy to translate. There doesn't seem to be a Klingon word for 'jolly.'
And at the end of the episode when all is back to normal, Troi comes to Worf's quarters alone to give him his birthday present (and let him know she talked Riker out of the surprise party).
Troi: I know Klingons like to be alone on their birthdays. You probably want to meditate, or hit yourself with the painstick...
Just before this, Worf sidles to the edge of the doorway and peeeeeers around the corner to see if Troi is on the bed (as a Call Back to when her alternate reality self slipped over to the bed to get her husband to sit down and relax, and he did the same thing). She isn't there—then shows up behind him.
Worf's face◊ when Troi kisses him is equally as priceless as the one from earlier (this was a good 'Worf facial expression' episode).
When the quantum rift accidentally gets opened, making Enterprise after Enterprise appear, we get this line:
Ditto for Picard later saying to a visibly amused Will that he convinced the school to hold a "Commander Riker Day" and that he was considering making an entry himself. Riker is considerably less amused all of a sudden.
HomewardSub RosaLower Decks
Sam complains that he thinks Riker doesn't like him.
Ben: Why? Did you crash the ship into something?
Thine Own Self
"Thine Own Self" has a particularly amusing one: Riker is in his quarters, practicing his trombone, when Deanna walks in. They hold a brief conversation with Riker 'speaking' via the trombone.
Troi: Is that supposed to be a question?
Riker: *toot toot*
Troi: If you're asking if I like what you're playing, then the answer's yes.
Riker: *High, low, as 'thank you.'*
Troi: You know, this is a much better way of communicating for you. It's far less confusing than the way you usually speak!
Riker: *Fast-descending note of annoyance*
Riker's followup line is also great: "Did you come here for something in particular, or just general Riker-bashing?"
Patrick Stewart's dick joke. Given a prop with a distinctly phallic appearance, Stewart held it directly in front of his crotch and emphasised the words with the most phallic symbolism. Jonathan Frakes duly responded with Corpsing.
Eye of the BeholderGenesis
The beginning of the episode. Riker is in Sickbay again. Nurse Ogawa delivers a pretty funny opening line: "So why were you rolling around in Cyperion cactus?"
The last two lines in the episode, summing up just how weird the events of said episode were:
Crusher: (Barclay) transformed into a spider, and now he's had a disease named after him.
Troi: I think I better clear my calender for the next few weeks.
The opening to "Emergence" [7x23], where the Orient Express suddenly appears in the middle of Data's performance of Shakespeare's The Tempest... And they just stare as the train gets closer and closer until Data shoves them both out of the way. Watching an android dressed as a wizard from a Shakespearean play shoving a Starfleet captain out of the path of an oncoming train is oddly surreal.
Preemptive StrikeAll Good Things...
When future Picard visits Data, we learn that Data has learned the value of keeping a Servile Snarker around.
Lieutenant Reginald "Reg" Barclay gets a few, like his fast, nervous rambling in "Realm of Fear" (as Deanna tries to keep up with him, and he tries to avoid her and/or discussing what's really on his mind). "I don't get to see this part of the ship a lot. LOOK! There's stellar cartography, I thought that was deck eleven!"
Data's attempts at imitating humanity. 90% of the time, you're gonna laugh.
His actor can be funnier, especially while he's making the make up artist's job more difficult as he's being done up to look like a ninety year old man:
Brent Spiner: Kids! Stay out of the sun! I'm thirty three years old. I never used a sunblock - big mistake!
Brent Spiner, making goofy facial expressions: DATA ON ACID!
One time when he went to the barber to attempt to imitate friendly interpersonal jabs people sometimes do.
Geordi: Hey, Data, need a trim?
Data: My hair does not require trimming, you lunkhead.
Made better a moment later. Apparently even Data can tell Picard is not well known for his sense of humor....
Data: I am attempting to partake in friendly, well-intended insults.
Geordi: Ah.... Well, just don't try it on the captain.
Data: (beat) No.
Picard in the holodeck, playing at Dixon Hill. Patrick Stewart's Humphrey Bogart impression is hilariously atrocious, but then, that's the point.
SETTING: the bridge of the Enterprise. Picard and Data are still dressed for Noir. Picard: La Forge? (Tugs hat down.) Shtep on it.
That scene unintentionally makes Picard look exactly like one of the figures from the the famous American painting, Nighthawks, which is oddly funny.
Just as good was his Dixon Hill experience in "Manhunt". He goes there trying to relax and hide from Lwaxana Troi's escapades. The first man through his door ends up pulling a pistol on him after accusing "Dix" of not finding his sister in time to save her life.
Picard: *stumbling out of the way* "Computer, freeze program! ... I came here to relax, not to dodge bullets. Reconfigure... more ambiance, less substance."
The next man through the door is a sinister figure who, after a veiled threat conversation, reaches over and grabs Picard by the lapels.
Picard: "Computer, freeze program! This is just substituting one form of violence for another. Reconfigure."
Picard: "Freeze program! Computer, I don't think I'm making myself clear."
Lwaxana basically hitting on anyone and everyone, including Worf, Wesley, (offscreen) Geordi, and Riker. Riker and Troi get a funny scene right after she leaves:
Troi: Why did you stop me? Someone needs to set her straight!
Riker: I think I'll leave that to the Captain.
Data (attempting to laugh at Geordi's joke) breaking into a creepy and highly inappropriate forced giggle that goes on far too long than it should, before going back to his duties as if nothing happened.
If the ball drains during one of the special game modes, with the player having scored few or none of that mode's objectives, Data helpfully begins explaining what they should have done. Hitting the flipper buttons causes Picard to cut him off with a curt "Thank you, Mr. Data" (and adds a few more points to the score).