Funny: Stargate Verse
aka: The Ark Of Truth
Over a dozen seasons and several movies has given the Stargate Verse plenty of funny moments.
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Stargate SG- 1
- In the episode Crystal Skull, Carter tries to explain neutrinos to O'Neill:
Sam: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean something like five million billion just passed through you.
Jack: No matter how dense?
- At DragonCon '06, a question is popped "If you could play any other role on Stargate who would you be?"
- Made even better by another of the cast having a Spit Take in the background as he says it.
- And apparently his character agrees, because when he cameos in season 8 he takes the chair with him when he leaves.
- The episode where the Ori are using preparing to use a Stargate to open a blackhole and power a Supergate. The team brings through the "gate-buster" super nuke, to find a Prior standing there, praying aloud.
Mitchell: I am legally required to inform you that this is a naquadriah-enhanced nuclear explosive device. Once we retreat through the gate, it will detonate, completely vaporizing anything within a thousand kilometers.
(the Prior continues praying)
Mitchell: ...sir, you are aware that you are within a thousand kilometers of this device?
- "Window of Opportunity", specifically the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage ("In the middle of my backswing?!"). And when Colonel O'Neill is explaining to Teal'c what the phrase "lose it" means.
O'Neill: (while drawing on a plate with ketchup and mustard) I'm tellin' you Teal'c, if we don't find a way outta this soon I'm gonna lose it.
Teal'c: (cocks eyebrow)
O'Neill: Lose it... It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in posession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a Happy Meal. (holds up drawing of smiley face) WACKO!
O'Neill: The thing that really bothers me [about starting the loop over again] is that Daniel's in the middle of asking me a question, and I wasn't paying attention the first time.
- And also, when the Unscheduled Off-World Activation alarms go off, heralding the reset of the "Groundhog Day" Loop:
Teal'c: You are not the only one who must endure some discomfort, O'Neill.
(loop begins again; redshirt opens a door and hits Teal'c)
Red Shirt: Oh, I'm so sorry Teal'c! I didn't see you there.
Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions. Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.
- And then one of the first things he does in the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage is interrupt the Red Shirt's apology by shutting the door on him.
- And the moment Daniel points out to them that they could get away with anything, they immediately get up and walk out of the room.
- Jack, wearing a loud yellow sweater, handing his resignation to Hammond seconds before the loop resets. When Carter asks him why he's resigning, O'Neill replies "So I can do. . . this" and gives Carter an EPIC kiss, complete with dip. It's funny watching her melt in his arms, even funnier watching Hammond's absolutely stunned look.
- Also, Daniel Jackson in the episode "The Sentinel".
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Daniel: (holds up a knife) Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
- Many of the conversations between O'Neill and the various Goa'uld count as this
Ba'al: You dare mock me?!
O'Neill: Ba'al, you know me. Of course I dare mock you.
- Much of "The Other Guys", especially O'Neill's reaction to Felger & Coombs' "rescue".
Felger: I brought Coombs with me!
O'Neill: (staring in disbelief) Look everybody, he brought Coombs with him!
Felger: Don't panic! Just think... what would Colonel O'Neill do in this situation?
- Felger and Coombs arguing with each other:
Coombs: You want me to shoot you?
Herak: This is nothing compared to what my master Anubis is capable of.
- Future First Prime to Anubis Herak and O'Neill give us this immortal exchange.
O'Neill: (lying on the floor, in pain) You ended that sentence in a preposition! Bastard!
- When Felger and Coombs arrive aboard a Goa'uld ring platform, Felger immediately raises his gun, ducks his head, covers his eyes with his other arm, then slowly turns in a circle while blindly emptying his gun at absolutely nothing.
- One episode has the group in O'Neill's house drinking beer. While Daniel balances an orange on his beer bottle, Jack explains how The Simpsons are a perfect analogy to the SGC (Burns as Goa'uld). When Teal'c responds skeptically...
O'Neill: You're so shallow.
Daniel: Oh, please, Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's... SO deep. (to Teal'c) Go ahead, tell 'em how deep you are. (to Jack) You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: (pause) My depth is not relevant to this conversation.
Daniel: Ooooh, ya see?!
O'Neill: Okay, no more beer for you.
- Except maybe "Urgo."
- "Row, row, row your boat..." "I don't even know the words!" "Isn't that hot?"
- Or "Wormhole X-Treme".
- In "200", The more obscure plot to steal.
- Talking puppets!
- Teal'c telling a joke in "Seth".
- From "The Other Side"
O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.
- What about Sam pointing out that they can probably never go public with what they discover going through the 'gate?
Jack: Guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview.
Teal'c: What is an Oprah?
- More Teal'c:
Ba'al: It's my clones. They want to kill me!
Teal'c: (deadpan) That would make all of us.
- The abrupt end of Ryac's wedding rehearsal. After a...spirited discussion on gender roles, both sides of the wedding party storm off, leaving Bra'tac standing alone in the gate room.
Bratac: I can see why one must rehearse these events... [takes long, long drink of the wine]
- The scene where Jonas Quinn accidentally convinces Teal'c that he wants to take over the world. "No. No conspiracy. I promise." Almost immediately followed by him reaching into his jacket, very ominously, and pulling out... a banana. It's Jonas.
- "The Russians are coming."
- When Daniel has resigned in "Forever in a Day", he walks into Hammond's office to hear Jack complaining about his replacement.
O'Neill: The kid's got two left feet. He's slowing us down!
Daniel: Deja vu.
O'Neill: Deja vu.
Daniel: Deja vu.
- Jack and Teal'c trading bodies in "Holiday".
- "What's that got to do with filming a plant?!"
- Most of "1969", with a special mention to Daniel:
Lt. Hammond: [asks a question in Russian]
Daniel: He just asked if we were Soviet sp—... oh.
Michael: So your thing, that thing, on your forehead; what's it symbolize? Peace?
- Also from "1969":
Teal'c: Slavery. To false gods.
Michael: Right on?
Michael: We're even thinking of crossing the border up to Canada.
Teal'c: For what reason?
Michael: You know, man. The war.
Teal'c: The war with Canada?
- Then there's the team returning at the end dressed for the '60s. Hammond's expression was priceless.
- In the same episode, the entire scene where Daniel and Sam went to Catherine Langford's house pretending to be German friends of her father. Something about Daniel's glasses in that scene always cracks me up.
- How exasperated Daniel sounds when Jack asks how they can pretend to be foreigners. "I speak 23 languages, pick one."
- Also, Teal'c's outfit. The pink tye-dye outfit and the ridiculous fro could only have come from the rest of SG-1 deliberately getting him the craziest thing he could wear, with Teal'c totally unaware they were making fun at him.
- Not to mention Jack's interrogation. Keeping in mind, this is 1969... "You're right. I lied. My name isn't Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker." Plus Jack's natural talent for annoying anyone who tries to interrogate him.
- "Go suck a lemon" (said to a character who not long before mentioned having a lethal allergy to citrus).
- And what prompted this retort? The annoying, not-nearly-as-smart-as-he-thinks-he-is Jerk Ass telling Major Carter that he's "always had a thing for dumb blondes."
- Daniel imitating a ship to make the Unas understand how the Goa'uld can attack. Made doubly hilarious if you remember him doing the same thing on Abydos in the original movie... with a chicken. (That was a CMOF in its own right).
- The fact that Chakka, Daniel's Unas friend, gives him an incredulous "What the hell are you doing?" look as he does this never fails to elicit laughter.
- Daniel trying to convince Jack that he's subconsciously leading them to the lost city.
Daniel: Sphere — planet, label — name!
O'Neill: Following, you, still, not!
- When Daniel explains his reasoning Carter remains skeptical because while Jack may well be filling in crossword clues with Ancient stargate adresses, he also answered "celestial body" with "Uma Thurman". Ah, Jack.
- Or how about the time when Daniel was talking about how a robot girl's "attention wanders, it's like she has the mind of a child," while Jack is making faces through a magnifying glass in the background.
- Talking about Anubis' latest plan to be evil:
Rodney McKay: Now that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you!" Then the 'gate shuts down. "Oops, sorry, never mind."
- Then, later on, "Yeah, hey, Anubis, this is your agent. You're playing it way over the top, could you get serious, please?"
- There's a scene in "Ripple Effect" where Asgard scientist Kvasir expounds upon the merits of courage in SG-1's upcoming mission... followed by an abrupt "Good luck" and beaming off the bridge. Daniel comments, "I miss Thor."
- Vala finding the treasure in "Avalon". In fact, many of Vala's scenes in that episode. "I like your outfit." "Isn't this where I beat you up?" "I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex!"
Vala: ...I don't know anything about your planet. Other than it seems to have a rather interesting, if somewhat limited gene pool... (Daniel and Mitchell look up at her confusde, then to each other, then back to her)
- Vala comparing Daniel and Mitchell, and noting the similarites.
- "Bad Guys"
Daniel: Take as much time as you need, run things through proper channels. We're in no rush.
- They're supposed to be holding people hostage, and Daniel's pretending to be the leader.
Negotiator: (shocked) I'm sure the hostages would disagree with you.
Daniel: Why? We're not gonna hurt them. (sees Teal'c staring at him) ... Unless you get cute! In which case there's gonna be, uh, killing and... whatnot. (Teal'c rolls his eyes)
- Followed by Daniel losing his cool when two female hostages start fighting over one sleeping with the other's guy. 'Tis hilarious. Daniel's attitude in that episode in general is just hilarious.
- "Prometheus Unbound"
Daniel: Well, you kept the wrong guy, because I really don't know anything about the ship.
- A masculine Goa'uld super-soldier hitting on Daniel. It turns out to be Vala, but for that minute when Daniel didn't know that, you just can't stop laughing.
Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive.
Daniel: (coughs) ... What?... Hey, you know, big guy, I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours.
Vala: Whatever happens, I just want you to know that...
- The Reveal that Vala Is a Girl. Must be seen to be believed.
- The fight between Daniel and Vala is hilarious as well.
- In that same episode is this exchange:
(Daniel stuns her)
- In "The Quest, Pt 2", when SG-1 (plus a few others) are being chased by a dragon, which Daniel believes can be defeated by "knowing its secret name."
Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, just start guessing?
Vala: Darryl... the Dragon...
Mitchell: How 'bout "Smokey"?
Teal'c: Perhaps... "Puff".
Daniel: (annoyed) Would you just give me a minute?
Vala: Morgan Le Fay! (after the Dragon roars) ...Darryl?
- Then Mitchell hatches a plan to kill the dragon by trying to throw a block of C-4 under it, claming "that's where it's weakest," as if he's an expert on dragons.
- Follow that up with Teal'c making the toss, and the dragon catching and swallowing the C-4 instead. When it explodes inside the dragon, apparently causing nothing more than an urpy tummy, Teal'c is left standing dumbstruck in front of it, eyes slightly wide and visibly gulping. (And if you've watched him for the nine and a half years prior, that sight would be hysterical).
- Vala then tries to help after Daniel says the name is most likely Morgan Le Fay, while Daniel and Adria try to call her back to saftey. She runs right up to the dragon and calls the name, and nothing happens...
- The scene where SG-13 walks through the Stargate onto yet another foresty planet.
Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?
Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?
Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine.
Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?
Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.
Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.
Dr. Balinsky: Oh man, Dr Jackson's going to die when he sees this!
- It didn't hurt having Col. Dixon played by Adam Baldwin.
- Followed by the immortal line:
Bosworth: What, again?
- When General Hammond tells Jack that they are going to put a Russian officer on SG-1:
O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse sir.
O'Neill: I'm sorry, sir, did I just say that out loud?
Hammond: I told him you'd give it careful consideration.
O'Neill: And that I will, Sir. But I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna say... bite me.
- In "Point of No Return", Teal'c greatly enjoys the vibrating bed.
- Any time one of SG-1 has to impersonate a Goa'uld, such as Daniel claiming to be the System Lord "the great and powerful Oz" (the look Jacob/Selmak gives him sells it) and Jack demonstrating his extremely limited knowledge of the language.
O'Neill: Jaffa, kree!
(the Jaffa leader looks at him confused)
O'Neill: You heard me! I said kree!
- Daniel attempts improvisation again in "Prometheous Unbound", trying to pass himself off as a bounty hunter.
Daniel: The name's Olo. Hans Olo.
- Teal'c again, when talking to Tanith, a known Goa'uld spy among the Tok'ra:
Tanith: Why have I been left out of such important discussions?
Teal'c: (matter-of-factly) The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.
- O'Neill after hearing about an attack planned by Anubis.
O'Neill: Three days from now? That's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us.
- O'Neill and a nomad elder having a pithy saying competition:
Villager: They say they are friends.
Elder: "No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust him."
O'Neill: "Don't judge a book by its cover."
Elder: "Enemies promises were made to be broken."
O'Neill: And yet, "honesty is the best policy."
Elder: "He that has too many friends has none!"
O'Neill: Ah, but... "birds of a feather."
Elder: I'm unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach?
O'Neill: It has to do with flocking. And... togetherness... and... to be honest, I'm not sure of the particulars myself.
- When one of the team has to pose as a drug dealer, Mitchell immediately discounts the others as credible actors for this role, including Carter:
Mitchell: Oh, please, Mary Poppins is not even in the running!
- This exchange is now available as a YTMND here.
- Carter excitedly activates an experimental energy reactor... which causes a complete shutdown of the base's primary power systems.
Hammond: In the future, Major, I would like to be informed prior to you activating any device whose name includes the word "reactor".
- Teal'c explains Jaffa divorce customs.
Teal'c: If a dispute between a Jaffa and his wife cannot be settled, it necessitates a pledge break. It must be offered by one and accepted by the other.
Daniel: And if even that is refused?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.
- Daniel briefing Weir prior to negotiating a treaty with the System Lords:
- I love that one frozen Replicator from "Reckoning" that falls down when Daniel stops them all. THAT WAS PRICELESS!
- Also funny from that scene: most everyone just stops and stares in confusion when the Replicators suddenly halt in their tracks. But not Jack, who just says "Huh. Weird." and continues shooting.
- Teal'c accidentally attending Vagina Monologues. The sheer unexpectedness of scene, and the look on Teal'c's face, was just hilarious.
- From the Season 6 episode "Unnatural Selection":
Carter: So what didn't they go for?
O'Neill: The name I suggested.
Carter: For the ship?
Carter: Yeah. Sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.
O'Neill: Why not?
- In episode 10.15, "Bounty", Vala has accompanied Mitchell back to Kansas for his high school reunion. Mitchell's left the table for a moment, and his parents get the wrong idea, which Vala does nothing to dissuade:
Mrs. Mitchell: Well then, I take it that you two are... quite um...
Mr. Mitchell: Serious?
Vala: Oh. Absolutely! Well, I mean at first it was just sex, sex, sex, in all rooms of the house at all times of the day! But uh, well, once we got a chance to get to know each other, we formed a deeper connection. A spiritual bond, you might say.
- What really clinches it is that when Mitchell returns to the table, his father gives him a "you dog" look.
- A lot of Cam and Vala's interactions in the episode are funny on a meta level since the two are very much not an item in SG 1, but they played characters who were very much in love in Farscape. This makes Mitchell's repeated vocal declarations that there is nothing going on between the two of them extra funny.
- Also from this episode, when Vala begs Cam to let her accompany him to his high school reunion:
Mitchell: It is a high school reunion, not some swank party. Besides, you will be bored out of your mind!Vala: Don't you dare talk to me about boredom! Everybody else here has a life. Sam, off at a conference. Daniel, in a museum somewhere, doing research. Teal'c off-world...Me? I have absolutely nothing to do.Mitchell: Vala. (beat) It is in Kansas.
- In "Letters from Pegasus", McKay records a video to send to Earth containing his thoughts on the mission so far, and keeps getting wildly sidetracked from his topic before wandering back to it with "Where was I... oh yes... leadership." All in the delivery.
- Another from that episode, when Zelenka records a video message enthusiastically recapping the rising of Atlantis in unsubtitled Czech. When he's finished, the cameraman asks, "You didn't say anything that would require security clearance, did you?"
Zelenka: Security clearance?
- Ronon and his gun. Sheppard's reaction is simply priceless.
- The Running Gag with McKay's observations that Sheppard frequently has good chemistry going with Ascended and alien women is sometimes a floor-roller.
McKay: Oh my God, he is Kirk!
- Also, "You shot me!"
Sheppard: Yes, and I said I was sorry.
Ronon: He shot me too.
Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!
- Or when they're experimenting with the personal shield in season one.
Weir: I can't understand why you thought it as a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
McKay: Believe me, it wasn't the first thing we tried.
Sheppard: (proudly) I shot him!
(Weir makes a Flat "What." face)
Sheppard: In the leg! (shrugs)
- The dialogue between Sheppard, McKay, and the passive-aggressive Asgard in the episode "Intruder". Sheppard's clear unease around Hermiod, and especially the delivery of "Is he supposed to be naked like that?!" are especially lol-worthy.
- Hermiod, by virtue of sharing most of his scenes with McKay, is CMOF incarnate. He's basically the Asgard McKay.
- He has several hilarious lines like "yay" in perfect deadpan, the famous "Crap, indeed." or his sassing of Kavanaugh: "Stop talking, please. Thank you."
- McKay levels a gun at the two Wraith that stunned his escorts and have him cornered, and yells "You want some of this, huh?!" Then hits the magazine release...
- When Sheppard is talking to the Wraith they've captured, early on in the first season:
Sheppard: I don't even know your name. That's assuming you people even have names. (pause) Wait. Let me guess. Is it... Steve?
"Steve" the Wraith: I am your death. That is all you ever need know.
Sheppard: I liked Steve better.
- Almost every time Todd is on screen. Here's his first encounter with Carter:
Todd: ("feeding" hand extended and talking to Carter) I believe it is customary on your planet to shake hands as a sign of greeting.
(every marine raises his rifle)
Todd: (laughing) Just a little bit of Wraith humor.
- In "The Storm" Sheppard has to disconnect two inconveniently placed grounding stations.
Sheppard: Wait a second. Are these things even close to a transporter?
McKay: Elizabeth's is.
Sheppard: And mine?
McKay: It's a... brisk walk away.
Sheppard: And by "brisk" you mean "far"?
McKay: And by "walk" I mean "run."
- From "Sateda":
McKay: (very very doped up on drugs and slightly slurring) Excuse me — why am I lying here?
Carson: You have an arrow, Rodney. In your gluteous maximus.
McKay: Oh. Well, that sounds painful. (dopily muttering to himself) Gluteous... maximus. Glooteeous, maxi— (with mild, drowsy surprise) Oh my god! That's my ass, isn't it?
Carson: (resignedly) Aye.
- This exchange:
Woolsey: That sounded like an explosion!
O'Neill: Yes. Yes it did.
Woolsey: What does that mean?
O'Neill: Something exploded.
- Same episode, after Woolsey asks another string of questions, and Jack finally points out that he's been sitting right next to Woolsey the whole time, so how does Woolsey expect him to know any more than he does?
- The episode "Brain Storm", where Rodney attends a scientific conference — and is bullied by Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson ("from TV"). Also, the running gag of people assuming Keller is Rodney's sister.
- Pretty much that entire episode counts.
Stephen Hawking: We get it. It works. Shut it down. I'm starting to freeze to my chair.
- McKay to Neil deGrasse Tyson: "Hey, at least I didn't declassify Pluto from planet status. Way to make all the little kids cry, Neil. That make you feel like a big man?" SO. GOOD.
- Harmony steals Shephard's chocolate, blames Rodney and pretends to cry.
- Sheppard: "Operation 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go."
- The team are stranded on a prison island so they're stuck fighting off the prisoners. Teyla improvises eskrima sticks by breaking a sturdy branch in half across her knee. Sheppard tries the same thing, except his branch is much thicker and he just ends up badly bruising his knee. So he uses it to knock the wind out of an ambushing prisoner.
- It's a small one, but after Sam calls a end to the Ronon and Teal'c fight, Sheppard is glowering as he takes his part of the betting pool and then hands one of the random money notes back to Chuck the technician, who just looks baffled.
Stargate UniverseThe Films
- Eli's running commentary of the Apocalyptic Log in "Time", but particularly:
(in the video, Rush runs off during a fire fight with alien creatures)
Video!Eli: Where are you going! You're crazy! He's crazy!
(cut back to the crew watching the video)
Eli: (turns to Rush) You are!
- Also in the episode "Earth", in the first glitch with the communication stones. Colonel Young is having sex with his wife, when suddenly he and Telford switch consciousness for a few seconds, right at *ahem* a very important part in the action. When they switch back again, it goes something like this:
Scott: Telford? Sir?
Scott: Sir? Sir?
- In "Divided", the communication stones are used to bring a doctor from Earth. She becomes increasingly mortified by the weird conditions on the ship (alien venom as an anesthetic, a makeshift fiber optic camera made from a hovering camera ball, and the fact that the ship is being attacked). T.J. simply responds, "Welcome to Destiny." Hmm, that has a certain ring to it.
- Chloe tries to justify having picked up archeology to Colonel Young, with Eli's help.
Eli: Say something archaeological.
Eli: That's good.
Chloe: Thank you.
- Counts as an in-universe CMOF, as their rather long and awkward string of justifications ends with Young chuckling to himself once they leave the room.
- Later on, Eli claims that he called Greer out for being afraid as a joke. Because he thought that they were on that level in their relationship.
Greer: I'm going to stay up here and cover your backs.
Eli: What are you, scared? (Greer gives him a stare) That was a joke. I'm sorry, I must have mistakenly thought we were on that level now. You know, friends who can kid each other like that? (Greer removes shades and switches to a full blown death stare) Please don't kill me?
- Same episode, when the away team have to call in a rescue team due to the aftermath of a spider attack, and having to explain it to Young.
Scott: It was a sizable spider, sir.
- O'Neill is good for these.
Telford: What makes us so special?
O'Neill: I know what makes me special.
- Greer vs. Alien Fruit. Both times ("Justice" and "Faith"). The first time, he pretends the "alien sweet potato" tastes delicious (which was a little too generous). The second time, he eats a completely random fruit to the horror of the rest of the off-world team.
TJ: We don't even know if it's poisonous!
Greer: (deadpan) We will.
- Greer vs. Alien Wildlife. "Is it something we can barbecue?" Then again, in "The Hunt": Greer and Varro are carrying a wounded corporal back to the gate. They suddenly see a "space deer". Next scene: "Becker's Barbecue" on Destiny.
- Eli and Young's exchange about the returning crew members' explanation in "Visitation".
Eli: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." — Arthur C. Clarke
Young: "Turn the mic back on." — Winston Churchill
- Apparently, Young starts to get how to make Eli understand what he wants (from "Resurgence"):
Young: (about how Eli should send a signal to an alien ship) Ancient, English, Bat-Signal, and whatever else you've got.
- Volker on seeing the alien ship in "The Greater Good":
Volker: (deadpan) New friends. Yay.
- In a later episode, when Rush dryly comments on their status, Brody joins in:
Rush: Well at least we have a full tank of gas.
Volker & Brody: (sarcastically, in unison) Yaaaay.
- The Kino mini-episodes can be full of funny:
Eli: And this room is... (looks around in confusion) I don't think I've been in here before... (wanders off camera)
- "We... turned him purple."
- Eli taking a Kino on a tour of the ship and getting lost.
Scott: (about running two miles) I can do it under 23 minutes.
- Scott catching people watching South Park when they should be exercising, and how they get him to go away:
Eli: Really? Funny, because there's a protein bar here that says you can't.
(Scott runs off, everyone goes back to watching South Park)
- When Brody attempts to turn off Also Sprach Zarathustra in "Hope", the Numa Numa song comes on.
Rush: You've come a long way from the slacker gamer I met one year ago.
Eli: ... You've been pretty consistent.
- Pretty much the entirety of "Common Descent" and "Epilogue," at least the parts that weren't Crowning Moments Of Heartwarming.
Volker: What's Rush's country called? Rushia?
Eli: ... Futura.
Volker: ...what the hell kind of name is Futura?
Brody: What's wrong with Futura?
Eli: Well, they say that you (indicates Brody) came up with it.
- When everyone realizes where Yaozu's little words of wisdom come from.
Yaozu: "It is easier to know where you are going if you know where you have been." — Eli Wallace.
Everyone Else: (awkward silence)
- More Futura humor.
Volker: Maybe Futura helped.
Park: Isn't that a font?
Brody: Will you shut up about the name?
- The Pair the Spares moment.
Eli: Me and... Private Barnes?
Chloe: You know... if you want to pursue that?
- One of the last Kino recordings is of Brody... complaining.
Brody: All these kids... running around, dancing. Always dancing. Tearing up my lawn! When I was a kid, people had respect— (recording shuts off)
Stargate: The Movie
- Daniel, trying to tell the villagers that their food Tastes Like Chicken over the language barrier, actually imitating a chicken. Bawk bawk bawk...
- Colonel O'Neil trying to use pantomime gestures to ask the kids where Daniel Jackson is, while the kids, not understanding what he's trying to do, instead repeat all the gestures back as a game. To top it all off, when they finally understand him, they show that they know who he's talking about by bawking like chickens.
O'Neil: I don't suppose the word "dweeb" means anything to you people...
- "He's inviting us to go with him." "How do you know that?" "Because he's (gestures) inviting us to go with him."
Stargate: The Ark of Truth
Stargate: The Ark of Truth
- Cameron sits in command chair on board the Odyssey and, as bombastically as possible, commands:
Mitchell: Weapons to maximum.Marks: Sir?Mitchell: It's a joke Marks, (waves hand motioning forward) make it go.
- Mitchell shoots what he thinks is the only Replicator, only to hear more coming around the corner...
Mitchell: Oh shit!
- I thought it was hilarious when Vala gets all nervous after being caught with Tomin by Daniel. The look on her face is priceless!
- Even in the midst of mortal danger, Tomin and Vala still take the time to mention their extramarital issues.
Tomin: We are still married.Vala: We'll talk about that later.
- Even when Marrick is the victim of the Replicators, it was all his own fault of course. Mitchell can't help but tell him how much of an ass he is.
Mitchell: Who am I kidding? I knew you were an asshole the moment we met.
- How else do you end an action-packed Stargate movie?... With macaroons, naturally.
- The team's idle banter, now that the Ori crisis is put to rest as they get ready to walk through the gate to their next mission.
Mitchell: It's kind of weird not having a big bad guy to fight anymore.Carter: Yeah, that's how we felt when we defeated the Goa'uld. And The Replicators. The first time...Mitchell: Well Jackson and Vala took care of that.Vala: That whole Ori thing was not our fault!Daniel: Just take the blame. You get used to it.
- Despite being reduced to a minor cameo role, O'Neill is still as funny as ever.
Jack: That is why we've come all this way. Why we had to endure all that "singing". Get rid of the last bad guy, then there's... cake.
- Three hours into the extraction ceremony...
Jack: Never, in the history of boredom, has anyone been as bored as I am, right now.
- Then discussing Vala's disappearance.
Jack: Oh for cryin' out loud. She prob'ly just went to the bathroom. I'm next in line, by the way.
- In the middle of the frustration of explaining their timeline to the alternate timeline's military, Carter and Mitchell take a moment to be indignant that the alternate timeline plans to put the Navy in charge of their Stargate program.
- Alternate Teal'c and Ba'al are very funny.
Teal'c: My Lord! Shall I enact your final instructions?
Ba'al: No, you idiot, save me!
- Daniel speaks desperately in Russian over the radio.
Mitchell: What the hell did you just say?
Daniel: We're Americans, please shoot the people chasing us!