Funny: Star Wars Legends

aka: Outbound Flight
  • In the Labyrinth of Evil novel, the Noodle Incident mentioned in Episode III is elaborated upon. During an underground commando raid on Cato Nemoidia that Anakin and Obi-Wan are leading, the Jedi split up, with one team to act as a diversion. Obi-Wan and the majority of the force engage the majority of the droids in underground storage bays, and Obi-Wan accidentally deflects a blaster bolt into a canister of spores. Thinking quickly, he reaches for his breather mask, but discovers it to be missing. Cue Anakin getting a message from Obi-Wan's second-in-command, Commander Cody, that they need assistance. Puzzled why the larger force would need assistance, Anakin remembers something, and pulls out of his pocket... Obi-Wan's breather mask. Frantic, he races back to the tunnels, to discover Obi-Wan falling all over himself, intoxicated by the spores, and humorously declares that Obi-Wan has invented a new lightsaber form. Anakin then discovers that Obi-Wan single-handedly destroyed over fifty droids despite being completely intoxicated.
  • "What the Empire would have done was build a supercolossal Yuuzhan Vong-killing battle machine. They would have called it the Nova Colossus or the Galaxy Destructor or the Nostril of Palpatine or something equally grandiose‚Ķ And you know what would have happened? It wouldn't have worked. They'd forget to bolt down a metal plate over an access hatch leading to the main reactors, or some other mistake, and a hotshot enemy pilot would drop a bomb down there and blow the whole thing up. Now that's what the Empire would have done." Thank you General Solo, the EU so rarely does you justice.
    • Also from New Jedi Order (Star By Star, to be precise):
      Ganner Rhysode (in Yuuzhan Vong disguise) Pol dwag, kane a bar. [(phrase unknown), dung of a rotting meat maggot]
      Yuuzhan Vong: Kanabar? [Low-caste person]
      Ganner: Dwi, kane a bar! [Yes, dung of a rotting meat maggot]
      Yuuzhan Vong: Yadag dakl, ignot! [(Meaning unknown, but certainly an angry response)]
  • Matt Stover's Shatterpoint has a ton of these. The best is Mace grabbing Nick just before they jump out of a gunship. Without parachutes.
    Nick: Don't tell me.
    Mace: (deadpan) All right. (They jump out)
    Nick: (shrieks)
    Mace: (mouths) You told me not to tell you.
    (Don't worry, they live) Nick spent the rest of the fall complaining about "having to end his young life as 'some fraggin' nikkle nut-brained Jedi Master's straight man.' "
    • Or else it's his line immediately after seizing control of a militia gunship:
      Nick: " Fire control? For me? Oh, General, you shouldn't have!"
      Mace: (deadpan) "I realize that."
  • In Heir to the Empire, Han lands the Falcon in the dense forests of Wayland, a maneuver that required him to tilt the Falcon sideways at one point to squeeze in.
    Lando: Nice landing.
    Lando: You're never going to let that go, are you?
    Han: You said, 'not a scratch.'
  • Shadows of the Empire:
    Lando: Come on, I spent an hour in the galley fixing this. Everybody dig in!
    Chewie: (Growls something that doesn't sound complimentary.)
    Lando: Hey pal, you don't like it, you cook next time.
    Luke: Giju stew? It looks like old boot plastic and fertilizer drenched in pond scum. Smells like it too-
    Leia: (Chuckles.)
    Lando: Fine, fine! Don't eat it, that'll just mean more for me. (Eats a spoonful of it.) See? It tastes great, it - (His expression goes from irritated to amazed, slides to horror, then right into disgust.)
    • What makes that scene really funny is that Leia is thinking the exact thing that Luke says about the stew.
    • The scene where Luke and Dash Rendar are trying to bribe a droid.
    Dash: *Grins and pulls out his blaster* Okay, Goldie. My name is Man with a Blaster About to Cook You. Either you open the door or your busy Bothan is going to have to get himself a new receptionist.
    The droid: Oh, dear.
    Dash: And no security alarms, either. I'm watching you real carefully. Up, and do the door manually.
    The droid: Very well, Man with a Blaster About to Cook You.
    • When Luke, Lando, Dash and Chewie are walking through the sewers to Xizor's palace, and Chewie has just nearly fallen into the stuff.
    Lando: *Chuckles* Yeah, be careful, you big clumsy - yow! *Skids and sits down in the sludge, getting his backside soaked.*
    Dash: You should have worn old clothes.
    Lando: Hey, Rendar, I don't have any old clothes.
    Dash: You do now. I don't think you'll ever get 'em clean enough to wear in public. They'd drum you right out of the Elite Stormtroopers smelling like that.
    Lando: Shut up.
    • "Lando swore at the ship, a long string of highly colorful phrases describing what he wished the ship would go do with itself."
  • A great one towards the end of The Ahakista Gambit story arc of the Star Wars: Rebellion series. Wyl Tarson and Laynara are inspecting "one of those impenetrable doors" (don't you just hate them?) that they need to get through. Not to worry, they've brought tech expert and Snarky Non-Human Sidekick Baco Par along to open it. Then they turn around to see Baco pointing a blaster at them. He knows they're planning to betray him, he's a little ticked off that they kidnapped him for this caper, and the Empire can have the galaxy.
    Baco: Some people just want to be left alone! Some people just aren't good enough to make a difference! Don't you get that?!
    Laynara: (plucks Baco's blaster out of his hand) You're shaking. Don't be afraid, Baco—you can do this.
    Baco: Yes, I—you wouldn't happen to have a drink on you, do you?
    Laynara: No.
    Baco: I suppose I'd better get on with it, then.
    • The disgruntled teammate's cut-and-run gambit subverted in nothing flat.
  • While the totally Canon Discontinuity comic books starring Tag & Bink might be considered a Funny Moment for Star Wars comics generally, they have their own when Imperial agents shoot the spy who gave Tag and Bink information about the second Death Star. The spy's name? Manny Both-Hans.
  • "Apocalypse Endor", from Star Wars Tales #14, which - in addition to depicting Ewoks sticking flowers down troopers' gun barrels and using brutal guerilla tactics in jungle warfare - beautifully torpedoes a long-standing fan theory:
    Retired Imperial Soldier: (narrating over a splash panel of Ewoks running from giant bits of flaming shrapnel) At least I can take comfort in the fact that when thirty billion tons of metal explodes in the lower atmosphere of a small moon, it's only got one place to go.
    Soldier: Really?
    Punk: Um, yeah.
    Soldier: (sadly) Oh.
  • The Star Wars: Underworld comic has several, mainly because it perfectly summarizes Greedo's role as the galaxy's Butt Monkey.
    Greedo: (Puts his hand on Boba Fett's shoulder in a friendly manner) Nice shot! We make a pretty good team.
    Boba Fett: Don't touch me.
    Greedo: Sorry.
  • In Shadows of the Empire, lingering at your ship too long will prompt Leebo to say things like "We'll never get paid if you stay here all day." and then "Go away, sir."
  • Rogue Squadron: "Lord Vader, please stop firing at me!"
  • "No! What are you doing, Master? REMOVE THE ARC WRENCH! REMOVE THE ARC WRENCH! .....medic!"
    • "But I need those circuits, Master. Please do not destroy them out of frustration. Calm yourself, I implore you."
    • "That is not it, Master. No, that is not it either. *sigh* That is a hinge, Master."
    • That, plus everything else HK-47 says.
      Mocking Query: Coooorta? Coorta, are you dead yet?
    • An absolute classic from the sequel:
      Exile: [Force Persuade] Give me all your credits and jump into that pit over there.
      Exchange Mook #1: Yes. Jumping into pit is good.
      Exchange Mook #2: Get to ground faster that way.
      • At this point, some followers will react with a light-side style Influence reaction...

      Rakatan Elder Councillor: Is this some type of test, Revan? Some type of trick? You came seeking our aid; you came in search of a way to enter the Temple of the Ancients. You claimed to be seeking a way to destroy the Star Forge, and we were foolish enough to believe you. Unaware of your true nature, we helped you enter the Temple. But you betrayed us, Revan. Instead of destroying the terrible legacy of our ancestors, you unleashed the evil of the Star Forge upon an unsuspecting galaxy. And now you stand before the Council of Elders once more. And once more we ask you: for what reason have you returned, Revan?
      Revan: Uh... I need to get into the Temple so I can destroy the Star Forge.
    • During the questions for what kind of Jedi you'll be:
      There is a locked door, and you need to get to the other side. What do you do?
      1. Blast it open.
      2. Hack into the lock to get it open.
      3. Knock.
    • This exchange from the first game:
    Dead-Eye Duncan: You'd better watch yourself. I'm the number five ranked duelist in the Arena!
    Player: Out of how many?
    Duncan: Uh... five. But it's an elite group, okay? It's not like just anyone can step into the dueling chamber! Well, actually, anyone can... but not many do!
    Lashowe: "Do you know how many Sith there are here on Korriban?"
    Jolee: "Twelve! No, wait, Thirteen!"
    Canderous: "Nice one, old man."
    Jolee: "Thank you, it takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age."
    "Are you an angel? Aw, I'm just kidding. That's the worst line I've ever used. Hope some poor kid doesn't start using it."
    Atton: "Did anybody here catch that? All I understood was 'very.'"
    Bao-Dur: "I think he wanted us to give up the General to his poorly-trained collection of bounty hunters."
    Atton: "Ah. Well that should explain it. Which one do you want?"
    Bao-Dur: "I'll take the stupid one who decided to threaten us rather than shoot us when he had the chance."
    • The Disciple or Handmaiden completely not getting Atton's sardonicism. "No, Atton! I think it might be a trap!"/"What are you talking about? It's obviously a trap!"
    • Jolee and his story about "swirling Force" and destiny. "You know, you remind me of someone I used to know. Promising young man, great destiny. Breath like a bantha."
      Exile: [on being asked about Jedi falling in love] "I believe it's called 'Pulling a Bindo'."
      Brianna: "Pulling...a Bindo?"
      Exile: "Sorry, bad joke, bald man, long story..."
    • Carth and Revan flirting, her hurting his "man-feelings". "Don't tell me not to take it personally, you hairless wookiee!"
      • One of the few times the Slap Slap is so much fun, it's almost a shame to get to the Kiss.
      Bastila: On which planet were you born?
      Revan: Kashyyyk. I'm a Wookiee...can't you tell?
      Bastila: What is your background?
      Revan: I'm a Hutt in human form planning to overthrow the Republic.
      Bastilla: How old are you?
      Revan: 3012. Healthy living, you know.
      Bastila: I see you intend to be childish about this.
    • Any attempt at all to flirt with Bastila.
      Vossk: There are the Twin Suns, two Twi'lek slaves from Ryloth, slaves who killed their masters and developed a taste for it. They have mastered a dance of death. Very beautiful, very dangerous.
      Exile: Two beautiful Twi'leks are hunting me? How is that bad?
      Brianna: * rolls eyes*
    • Carth and Bastila play off each other so very well:
      Carth: Wow she, er, really misses her droid, doesn't she?
      Bastila: There's no need to make fun of her Carth, she's obviously desperate.
      Carth: I'll say...
      Bastila: Carth! Enough!
      • From that same quest:
        C8-42: She... she tried to treat me as her dead husband. It was not healthy for her.
        Player: Er... ALL the time?
        C8-42: You don't want to know...
        Player: Um... probably not...
      • And if you decide to take the droid back to his master:
        Elise: Don't worry. I'm going to hug you and oil you and care for you and make sure you never get away, ever again.
        C8-42: Please kill me.

      Bastila: [To a Sith] Ignore Carth. He's mentally deficient. And he drools.
    • Either of them plus Mission is a good bet, too. For instance, one of Mission and Bastila's conversations opens with Mission asking Bastila if she's ever used the Force for pranks, which she denies rather vehemently. Yes, the conversation involves a Force-assisted pratfall.
  • The Force Unleashed, first level, where you play as Darth Vader. When you kill a certain number of Stormtroopers:
    You have unlocked achievement: "Worst Dayshift Manager Ever"
  • Taking out an enemy Jedi/Sith hero in Battlefront. Ways to do this include: grenading them out a window, landing a starfighter on top of them, running them over with a fast enough vehicle (ex: speeder bike), etc.
  • The Silliness Switch in Rebel Assault II that adds an MST3K style Vader at the bottom of the screen, and adds Dada-esque subtitles to all the cutscene dialogue.
    Imperial Admiral: As you can see, Snookums, the whole crew has been putting in overtime... in fact, I think the Christmas recital will be the bestest in years! Little Timmy's Drummer Boy is—
    Darth Vader: What I see, Choralmeister Lumpy, is that no has been washing these windows in my absence! This ship isn't your personal garbage can, young man!
  • In Battlefront 2, if you're playing as the Separatists and get enough kills to play as Jango Fett, sometimes you may hear a clone say something along the lines of "It's Jango Fett! And he's brought his head!"
    • A lot of normal soldiers in in Battlefront 2 will make comments on the appearance of special characters, usually along the lines of "Oh Crap!, it's him!"
    • The Party Mode cheat code. Cartoony "Pow" effects and confetti popping out when you hit things with a lightsaber. Such fun.
  • Jedi Starfighter has plenty of funny moments. Highlights include the unlockable Hilarious Outtakes, the "My Day At Work" short, and Adi's interactions with Nym.
  • In the first Rogue Squadron, there is a cheat to turn the V-Wing into a flying Buick Electra. Also awesome.
  • In Outbound Flight: Car'Das, while learning the Chiss language, accidentally says "I'm a fishing vessel."
  • The whole Dark Rendezvous book comes off as a long series of crowning moments of funny, and has perhaps the funniest portrayal of Yoda in any Expanded Universe book.
  • The Band's Tale from Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina.
  • A New Hope's Death Star conference room scene — written from Motti's point of view in Death Star.
  • From Republic Commando Series:
    Skirata: Delta! This is the geriatric! Get down and give me fifty!
    Ordo (on catching a Republic agent tailing Besany): I'm the jealous type. I don't like perverts stalking my girlfriend.
    Jilka: Do you always pick up women like this?
    Ordo: No, I shot Besany.
  • The Killiks get rid of some Squibs by sending them over their lines via air mail. With a trebuchet in Dark Nest Trilogy.

Alternative Title(s):

Outbound Flight, Dark Rendezvous, Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina, Death Star, Republic Commando Series, Dark Nest Trilogy