Funny / Star Trek Beyond

WARNING: Spoilers are unmarked.

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• In the opening, Kirk is trying to open diplomatic relations with aliens who keep wildly misinterpreting his words and, through a long string of Insane Troll Logic, conclude that the rival alien species that Kirk is representing is attempting to trick them into signing a false peace treaty so they can eat them.
  • The Teenaxi look large and menacing. Then they're in-frame with Kirk and revealed to be about a foot tall.
    • And they don't even stand upright so they look even smaller.
  • As a disheveled, beat-up, and thoroughly disgruntled Kirk walks out of the transporter room, Scotty asks him how it went. A Beat later, one of the aliens hits the glass panel behind him and bounces off with a squawk.
  • Various Red Shirts trying, and mostly failing, to capture said aliens after some come back to the Enterprise still attached to Kirk.
  • One of the aliens shows up at the party at the end of the movie, apparently having made friends with Keenser.
    Kirk: Kevin, still not wearing pants, I see...
• Kirk returns to the Enterprise after a scuffle with a ripped shirt. This is heavily lampshaded by the other characters, and even Kirk himself sounds wearily annoyed when he notes it happened again.
  • When he has Spock log and archive the recovered artifact, Kirk nearly tosses his boot by mistake instead.
• During his Captain's Log narration, Kirk notes that, due to their extended deployment in space, a large segment of the Enterprise crew has started dating each other. He notes that while some relationships work out, others don't; a beat later, we see a Green-Skinned Space Babe angrily shoving a half-dressed Chekov out of her quarters.
• Kirk notes in his log that life is becoming.... "episodic."
• As the Enterprise approaches Yorktown, the bridge crew (and the audience) are probably staring at the starbase in awe... and then there's Bones' reaction:
  Bones: What a damn monstrosity. Couldn't we just rent some space on a planet?
  Spock: Showing geographical favoritism among inducted Federation worlds could cause diplomatic tension.
  Bones: What, you don't think that looks tense? Looks like a damn snow globe in space, just waiting to break.
  Kirk: That's the spirit, Bones.
• McCoy and Spock's off-color exchange and Snark-to-Snark Combat after they crash on the planet.
  McCoy: Look, if I can't take this out, you're gonna die. Okay? If I take it out and can't stop the bleeding, you're gonna die.
  Spock: I can see no appeal in either option.
  McCoy: Believe it or not, neither can I. [...] I just don't get it, Spock. I mean, what did they attack us for? I mean, did they do all this for some doodad that the tiny critters didn't want?
  Spock: It is unwise to trivialize that which one simply does not understand, Doctor. We can safely assume it is more important than a "doodad".
  • Spock is seriously injured, and McCoy distracts him with a non sequitur before cauterizing the wound on the theory that it'll hurt less.
    Spock: If I may adopt a parlance with which you are familiar, I can confirm your theory to be "horseshit."
  • Most of Spock and Bones' interactions fall into this category.
    Spock: Fascinating!
    Bones: Ominous. Dark. Dangerous.
    [Spock moves closer]
    Bones: [resigned] We're going in.
• When a wounded Spock reveals to Bones his plans of leaving Starfleet to continue Spock Prime's work after the latter's passing, Bones reveals what he might have done if he had heard of it earlier: Have a huge party to himself.
  • Spock proceeds to chuckle. Bones replies with: "My God, you're getting delirious."
• Walking through the forest after the Enterprise's crash-landing, Scotty finds an abandoned escape pod and is happy to find a communicator there. Then he tries to flip it open and it promptly falls to pieces.
• When Scotty meets Jaylah for the first time, she's taking parts from the escape pod after driving off a trio of thugs and he tries to chide her for it...only to become very generous when she points her knife at him. And later, when he asks if she was with Krall, she spits at the ground, leading him to concede, "I'll take that as a no."
  • After Jaylah and Scotty introduce themselves to each other, Jaylah calls Scotty by his full name. He tells her that she can call him "Scotty." Jaylah then proceeds to address him as "Montgomery Scotty" throughout the film.
• The Franklin bridge is currently blasting some Public Enemy. Scotty enters, asking "Is that music?" Jaylah then does a Buffy Speak explanation on how she made the stereo system work, and there's this exchange:
  Scotty: Clever. The music is a bit old-fashioned and I find it loud and distracting, but clever.
  Jaylah: I like the beats and shouting!
• What does Jaylah do when Kirk comes on to the Franklin bridge? Flop herself onto the captain's chair while everyone looks on in exasperation.
  Scotty: [gesturing to Kirk] ...he likes that seat.
• When Spock and McCoy are surrounded, Bones muses that at least he won't die alone. Cue Spock getting beamed to safety.
  Bones: ...well, that's just typical.
  • Bones prepares for his last stand... by raising his fists and yelling "COME ON, YOU BASTARDS!!". Keep in mind that, again, he was surrounded by flying swarm ships at the time. Then he's beamed too.
  • When he materializes on the pad, he's not at all certain he came back in one piece.
  Bones: I feel like my innards have been to a barn dance!
  • Scotty explains the reason why they didn't get beamed out at the same time is that he was afraid that the obsolete transporter may have spliced Spock and Bones together. Bones soon expresses his aversion of this idea.
  • And how Scotty comes up with this plan.
    Scotty: I have an idea, sir... But I'm gonna need your permission.
    Kirk: Why would you need my permission?
    Scotty: Because if I mess it up, I don't want it to just be my fault.
• Given the crew has to resort to fly the Franklin, a really old ship:
  Kirk: Mr. Sulu... you can...y'know... fly this thing, right?
  Sulu: [looks insulted] You kidding me, sir?
  • And before the ship can fly, it needs to get to terminal velocity by falling down a cliff, nearly crashing to the ground. Chekov's fear helping Sulu take off is hilarious.
    • There's also Sulu's look when they succeed. He's both impressed and just a little surprised that it worked.
• Uhura and Spock break up, with Uhura giving a "It's not you, it's me" speech. McCoy comes along asking about what happened, with Spock dismissing his inquiry.
  McCoy: [figuring it out] You know, if an Earth girl says "It's not you, it's me..." [shrugs and walks away] it's definitely you.
  • In reality, that's not something Uhura said, let alone the reason why they break up which as Spock later explains is because he wanted to leave the ship to help the Vulcans, but McCoy's using this cliché for comic relief.
• As Bones is using the Franklin equipment (and Kirk's help) to heal Spock:
  Spock: The miserable have no other medicine but only hope.
  McCoy: On Death's door and he's quoting Shakespeare.
• McCoy's jabs at Spock when the latter begins explaining how they can track down the rest of the crew using a necklace Spock gave Uhura as a gift.
  McCoy: You gave your girlfriend radioactive jewelry?
  Spock: The emission is harmless, Doctor, but its unique signature makes it very easy to identify.
  McCoy: You gave your girlfriend a tracking device.
  [Beat, as everyone gives Spock an uncomfortable look]
  Spock: [with dawning awareness] ...that was not my intention.
  • Spock's face is what really makes this moment. He had clearly never thought of the implications of what the necklace's properties could be used for and when he does... Best Oh, Crap! face ever.
  • Even better is Kirk (Spock's best friend) and Jaylah (a person Spock just met) both giving him a look that says, "...Dude, seriously?"
  • Spock's statement beforehand how he gave it as "a token of his respect and admiration", McCoy afterwards saying he's glad Spock doesn't respect him and Spock's raised eyebrow is even funnier when remembering the two had just had a conversation about how Spock thought his respect for McCoy was clear.
  • Later, Uhura is shown idly fiddling with the necklace while talking to Spock. Bones gives Spock a stare that screams "Get her something that isn't so damn creepy", immediately turning away into his drink as Spock glares back at him, having realized he was staring, with a strong implication that she's unaware of this and Spock would like to keep it that way.
• Scotty and Keenser's almost-hug followed by an awkward handshake when they are reunited on the Franklin.
• The Plan requires Spock and Bones to beam aboard an enemy ship and hijack it in the middle of a space battle. Bones is not enthused about being volunteered for this.
  Bones: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a f— [transporter beams him away]
  • Before this, Kirk demonstrates just how vitriolic his friendship with Bones is without him even being there.
  Kirk: (Wide smile on his face) He's gonna love this.
  • The first thing Spock and Bones do upon beaming into said ship: immediately eject its two crewmen without a fight. One has to wonder why Krall's ships were designed to make ejecting the crew so comically easy.
  • Blink and you'll miss it, but as Bones hits a rough patch trying to steer the ship they stole, Spock gives him a Death Glare.
• The Franklin broadcasts music to disrupt the signals coordinating the swarm ships. The music? "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys.
  McCoy: Is that classical music?
  Spock: Yes, Doctor, it would seem to be.
  • Even better, the camera pans across to the crew who are either bobbing or tapping their feet with the beat; even Spock is seen subtly nodding along. Before the music starts in full swing, Kirk's response (as it was Jaylah's pick, given she knew "beats and shouting" would help)?
    Kirk: [smirking] That's a good choice.
    • Spock is seen silently whistling to it, suggesting he actually knows the song. Guess he really is "well-versed in the classics."
  • This, of course, following what may be the funniest "Eureka!" Moment ever written.
    Kirk: We need something loud and distracting!!
    Scotty: Loud and distracting? I've got just the thing!
  • Showing The Power of Rock in style, Yorktown receives the disruption frequency and starts broadcasting the song right at the Metal Scream.
  • You could only imagine what "modern" music is in the mid-23rd century of the Kelvin Timeline Trek Verse when Beastie Boys are considered "classical".
    • It certainly puts Scotty's question of "is that music?" and comment how "music is a bit old-fashioned for [his] taste" more in context.
• Related to the above, Jaylah goes trying to connect the stereo to the transmitter, only for Scotty to deny her. Once his attempt only leads to electric shock, Scotty then lets her do it. She fixes it within three seconds.
  Jaylah: See? Simple.
  Scotty: [Beat] ...Aye.
• While under fire by Krall's soldiers in the Enterprise's crashed saucer section, Kirk decides to manually trigger the ship thrusters by firing a phaser at a compressor when any miss could result in the fuel exploding.
  Chekov: You're gonna shoot at the fuel compressor?!
  Kirk: I'm open to other suggestions!
  [...]
  Chekov: Sir, we are basically standing on top of a WERY large bomb! If you miss the combustion compressor—
  Kirk: I'm not gonna miss, come on!
  Chekov: [frantic] Do you even know what the combustion compressor looks like?!
  Kirk: It's a square, right? [fires phaser]
  Chekov: NO, IT'S— [horrified] ROUND!
  Kirk: That's what I said!
  • Arguably the best part is the way Chekov says "round", because his voice just has this horrified "Oh God, you just killed us, you idiot" kind of edge to it.
• McCoy finds Kirk finishing off a bottle of Saurian brandy, chiding him because the stuff is illegal. McCoy then offers, as a better alternative, a very nice bottle of Scotch which he either stole or confiscated from Chekov's locker. Kirk and McCoy both remark that they assumed he'd have had vodka instead.
  • In a Brick Joke and Call-Back to "The Trouble with Tribbles," by the end of the movie, Chekov tries to pick up a girl by telling her that "scotch was actually inwented by a little old lady in Russia."
• When the crew attempt to figure out a plan to disrupt Krall's attack on Yorktown, Spock starts a Technobabble explanation, which annoys Kirk. So Uhura helpfully translates.
  Uhura: What's he saying is if we can disorient the swarm, we can kick its ass!
  Spock: Precisely.
• As Kirk and Chekov make their way through the forest, Chekov expresses his amazement that Kirk could tell that Kalara was lying. Kirk brags that he just kind of knew it might have been a trap...only for them to set off one of Jaylah's traps. The annoyed "Oh for God's sake" expression on his face just sells it and stays there even as Scotty and Jaylah arrive and Scotty takes his time to get her to free them.
  • When Kirk and Chekov first meet Jaylah, Chekov can be seen checking out Jaylah while Kirk and Scotty talk.
  • And when Jaylah deactivates the trap (which is holding Kirk and Chekov in place), they both fall face-first onto a large rock right below them.
    Kirk: You sure know how to throw out the welcome mat.
    Jaylah: I do not know what is a welcome mat.
• When Kirk leaves the bridge and gives Sulu the conn, Sulu sits in the captain's chair...and immediately assumes the classic Kirk pose.
• At Kirk's birthday party:
  Scotty: [seeing a lot of empty glasses in front of Jaylah] Did you drink all those yourself? I'm impressed.
  Jaylah: Someone said it will take my edge off. My edge is still not off.

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