* Jameson's epic reaction to Peter's request to be paid in advance: he cackles. For almost ten seconds straight, looks at Peter, then goes back to cackling before finally stopping with:
-->"You serious?! Pay you for what, standing there?"
** If you notice, Robbie is sitting there smiling to himself as if he's thinking, "Walked right into that one, kid."
* When J. Jonah Jameson realizes Mary Jane stood up his son at the altar. The ''very first thing'' he says to his wife, with the utmost seriousness in his voice, is "Call the caterer. Tell her ''not to open the caviar.''"
* The entirety of J. Jonah Jameson's first scene:
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' You're fired. ...Parker, hello? You're fired!
-->'''Peter Parker:''' Why?
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' ''[looks at Peter's latest photos in his photo book]'' Dogs catching Frisbees? Pigeons in the park? A couple of geezers playin' chess?
-->'''Betty Brant:''' ''[walks in urgently]'' Boss!
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' Not now. ''[Brant walks out]''
-->'''Peter Parker:''' Well, I was thinking maybe the ''Bugle'' could show another side of New York for a change.
-->'''Robbie Robertson:''' We got six minutes to deadline, Jonah! We need page one!
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' ''[ignores Robbie]'' Parker, I don't pay ya to be a sensitive ''artiste''! I pay you because... ''[notices Brant heading back for his desk]'' Still not now! ''[Brant walks back out]'' I pay you because for some reason that psycho Spider-Man'll pose for you!
-->'''Peter Parker:''' Spider-Man won't let me take any more pictures! You've turned the whole city against him!
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' A fact I'm very proud of! Now, get your pretty little portfolio off my desk before [[TastesLikeDiabetes I go into a diabetic coma!]] ''[Jameson's intercom alarm goes off; he presses the intercom button]''
-->'''Betty Brant:''' Boss, your wife's on the line! She said she lost your checkbook!
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' [[DeadPanSnarker Thanks for the good news!]] ''[turns off intercom]''
-->'''Peter Parker:''' Mr. Jameson, please, isn't there any of these shots you can use? I really need the money.
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' ''[with faux sympathetic 'puppy-dog' face]'' Aww... Miss Brant?!?
-->'''Betty Brant:''' ''[walks in]'' Yes?
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' Get me a violin!
-->'''Robbie Robertson:''' Five minutes to deadline, Jonah!
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' All right, run a picture of a rancid chicken. Here's the headline: "Food Poisoning Scare Sweeps City!"
-->'''Hoffman:''' ''[leans in]'' [[CompletelyMissingThePoint Some food got poisoned?]]
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' ''[glares over]'' I'm a little nauseous, yah!
-->'''Peter Parker:''' ''[after a short pause]'' All right, Mr. Jameson. ''[He hands Jameson a photo of Spider-Man]''
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' ''[briefly analyzes the photo]'' It stinks. Robbie, there's your Page 1: "Masked Menace Terrorizes Town!"
-->'''Robbie Robertson:''' I told you he's not a menace!
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' And I told ''you''...
-->'''Robbie Robertson:''' ''I'll'' take care of it.
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' I'll give you $150.
-->'''Peter Parker:''' $300.
-->'''J. Jonah Jameson:''' That's ''outrageous!'' ''[hands Peter his check]'' Done. Give this to the girl.
** Particular note to Peter's completely deadpan rebuttal of the price. You can just tell from the disinterested way he says it that they've done this before and he knows it'll work.
* The "[[ForHalloweenIAmGoingAsMyself Spider-Man]] [[UncomfortableElevatorMoment rides the elevator]]" scene.
* In the climactic scene, just after MJ discovers Peter is Spider-Man, a giant wall starts falling on her. He [[LoadBearingHero catches it]], grins at her, and says "Hi!"
** "This is... really heavy."
** Also, his [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jJ9sQTX4EE scream]] when the wall is about to fall on her. It's so {{Narm}}y that you just [[NarmCharm gotta love it.]]
* The outtakes of JK Simmons trying to say "...a thief!" when Spidey takes his costume back due to the fake teeth in his mouth that won't stop popping out.
* The scene in the extended cut where [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRhze-CEdcU JJ wears the Spidey Suit]] unaware he's being watched.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R3ywUSqrn8 The "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" montage.]]
** The wheel breaks off, bounces out the window and hits a car below. Cue yells.
---> '''Peter''': Um! Sorry!
* The spoof of his first attempt to come back to being Spider-Man.
--> '''Peter''': I'M BACK!
--> *Jumps, and falls into washing lines and lands on a car. He gets up and his back cracks loudly*
--> '''Peter''': MY BACK!
** As an added bonus, the alarm to the car that Peter fell on goes off as he walks away.
** Also the meta humor in the scene, as a bad back almost forced Creator/TobeyMaguire out of the film.
* In an interview on public radio, Bruce Campbell discusses his various roles in the films, playing up their importance for laughs. When discussing his usher role in this film, he jokingly brags that he "defeated Spider-Man."
* [[MemeticMutation WHOOOA, HE STOLE THAT GUYS PIZZA!]]
* Aunt May kicking the loan guy, though she tried to [[BeQuietNudge kick Peter's leg]] when he was making a comment on her decision to give piano lessons, but his Spider Sense help avoid that. During the fight between Spidey and Doc Ock, a coin rolls towards him, he picks it up, but Aunt May slaps his hand, making him drop it.
** The bank moment is made even better by the fact that Aunt May and Peter remain perfectly calm and innocent-looking while the bank official is gasping in pain and glaring at them.
* Who could forget:
--> '''J. Jonah Jameson''': Spider-Man...was a hero. I just....couldn't see it. He was....
--> *THWIP*
--> '''J. Jonah Jameson''': ...[[AstonishinglyAppropriateInterruption A THIEF!]] A criminal! He stole my suit! He's a menace to the entire city! I want that wall crawling menace PROSECUTED! I want him...STRUNG UP BY HIS WEB! [[SkywardScream I WANT SPIDER-MAAANNN!!!!]]
* "Dear, we agreed to put on a wedding, not go into bankruptcy... Caviar? Who are we inviting, the Czar? Get some cheese and crackers... some of those little cocktail weenies."
* During the bank fight, Doc Ock's have a hold on Spider-Man at one point, giving him the opportunity to growl:
-->'''Doc Ock''': You're getting on my nerves.\\
'''Spider-Man''': I have a knack for that.
* The Video Game has one of Spider-Man's all-time funniest lines, when he is confronted by the Shocker:
--> '''Spider-Man''': Shocker, you look good! Have you been re-upholstered? [[note]]Despite his name, Shocker's powers are vibrational, not electrical (that would be Electro), and he wears a soft, padded costume that looks a little like a quilt to protect himself from the effects of his own weapon.[[/note]]
** One of the exchanges that can occur as you're slinging your way around NYC; what really sells it it Tobey [=MacGuire=]'s delivery:
-->'''SassyBlackWoman:''' You tha man, Spidey!\\
'''Spider-Man:''' ''(confused)'' You tha...woman?