During an early mission when Wei is helping collect protection money on Winston's behalf one of the stall owner's replies "Winston can shove a bok choy up his ass!"
During one of the favors, Wei is asked to help drive a friend somewhere, but he then asks Wei to wait a moment. The friend, Calvin, walks right up to a Cop and knocks the cop out. In the car chase that ensues, Calvin gives his reason for the attack. The victim was sleeping with Calvin's girlfriend...except she isn't Calvin's girlfriend and Calvin just likes her.
Calvin has several favours that all play out similarly, when Wei meets him the third time he says "You're not going to shoot someone this time are you", Calvin says no... then a BOMB goes off!
Not only that, but in a police station!
In another mission, Fashion Advice, Wei is asked for his opinion on how tight a women's shirt is. The camera will stay still as she models around. Just as she turns around Wei is bumrushed by a guy who steals some money from Wei. The woman laughs, and says "That's what you get for being a pervert!"
You get mugged by guys a few times in the game, but there's one instance towards the end where a guy steals money from you while you're trying to fix someone's motorcycle. He doesn't get very far, since he jumps over a rail and breaks his leg less than 30 seconds into the chase. And to add insult to injury, you punch the guy out to get your money back.
In Roland's side mission, one of the people who you collect debts from is in a massage parlor and refuses to pay, Wei's solution to the problem? Going around the corner and paying a few homeless guys to "be themselves" inside the parlor.
The scene where Mrs. Chu gets revenge on Dogeyes by forcing him to eat the remains of Johnny Ratface is funny in a really dark way.
While momentarily parked in a stolen taxi, a random civilian got into the back seat, leading to this exchange:
Passenger (male only): To the airport
Wei Shen: Do I look like a cab driver to you? Passenger: SHIT! (male)/Aieeeee! (female) *flees the car*
The "Bad Luck" mission has Broken Nose Jiang sending Wei and her chief enforcer, Old Salty Crab, to break into Two-Chin Tsao's mansion to...mess with his stuff. The nature of the mission is hilarious on its own, but the running conversation between Wei and Old Salty Crab throughout is just icing on the comedy cake.
Old Salty: You're pretty and talented.
Wei Shen: What?
Old Salty: I said you're pretty talented.
When doing the Karaoke mini-game, messing up will cause Wei to sing off-key for a moment.
One mission has you escorting Peggy around town so that she can pick up items for her wedding day. You end up stealing flowers from a monastery, after disguising yourself as a monk, and successfully using corny expressions made up on-the-fly to get past the guards.
Next, you then arrive at the bakery to pick up the wedding cake...only to be texted that the cake was stolen by possibly-Dogeyes, leading you into a chase scene all throughout the city. What clinches it is that Peggy initially would call you out on your driving skills, but once she hears about her special wedding cake being stolen, immediately starts screaming at you to tear up the road to get it back. Finally, when Wei hijacks the wedding cake company van, it turns out that the occupant was another bride-to-be who had no idea who Dogeyes is, suggesting that Winston just forgot to order the wedding cake until after this other bride-to-be had made off with it and that he made up the story about Dogeyes.
Said bride-to-be is similarly obsessed with having a perfect wedding and replies to Wei's demands for the cake with "you'll have to take it from my dead fingers!" Wei responds by throwing her right out of the van.
One bug that had me on the floor occured thusly. Wei was driving his motorcycle on the highway when he collided with another vehicle, apparently hard enought to duplicate himself, because as soon as Wei got up he could see another copy of his own body lying facedown on the ground. An ambulance then arrived and declared "Wei Shen" dead on arrival. After turning around for a moment the ambulance and medics were gone, only for a second ambulance to arrive and have the medics delcare that "Wei Shen" was still alive.
At part of the first Popstar line of police missions, Wei Shen has to pick up a drug shipment from a wholesaler who wants to be paid up front; fortunately he tells Wei that he can pay by picking up what the wholesaler was owed by a pair of junkies. The line that Wei uses on them:
Wei: I'm the god of unpaid debts. Popstar prayed real hard this morning. Time for you fuckers to pay up.
The Freerunning side-mission giver is a fellow named Dusty, who photographs freerunners. Dusty is a stoner who the first time you meet him, begins babbling out some sort of strange lingo, at one point telling Wei that it is totally cool if he sprouts wings to get the task done. Wei—and the audience—aren't sure if this is just lingo or a serious suggestion. The next time you meet him, Wei asks if he is as high as he was the last time they spoke. Dusty says no, he's only had a few 'shrooms. This time, he warns Wei to watch out; the no-show he originally hired for the task may have been eaten by a cat. Don't ask, just freerun.
Poke around the clothing stores in Central and eventually you'll find a place that sells "Couronne Douche Jeans". This is a hard joke to miss as well, due to these jeans being a part of the Police Constable set.
About every third line in Nightmare At North Point is ridiculous. Especially noteworthy is the importance of antifreeze to ancient Chinese magic.
Vincent's nonchalant attitude being a ghost and his constant craving for noodles and chocolate bars.
The first time you look in Wei's phone and find that he saved the contact info for the girl he met at Ping's PC as "Not Ping." Her real name is never revealed in the game or DLC. Ever.
One of the missions tasks you to take photos of a couple areas around Hong Kong. When you get to one of the destinations, somebody is blocking your perfect shot...
Wei Shen: Hey. Yeah, you. Hey, get the hell out of the way.
Drunken Asshole: Sorry, I just can't resist a camera.
Wei Shen: That's it, asshole!
Mission Objective: Beat up the drunken asshole
Raymonds phone conversations with various police officers at the HQ are full of funny tidbits, but the one about not following "Crazy Lau" is the best.
Raymond: He's not faking it. He's NOT faking it. How do I know? Because I went to school with him. And frankly, if he started faking being crazy at eight years old so that we don't follow him NOW, he's entitled to get away with it.
Some of the conversations you'll hear on the street are a riot. Here are a few:
Random Man: I bought a pleather jacket, thinking I look badass. I look in the mirror. I look like shit!
Random Business Man:(on a phone call)..One encounter doesn't determine your sexuality!
If you take Not Ping on a date right after dating Tiffany (or vice versa) both will break up with you and call you a cheater. Not Ping leaves a particularly funny voicemail for you.
In the last of Jackie's heist missions you have to fast talk your way through several employees and guards of the docks where the products you are intending to steal. Wei can fast talk everyone, but on the last guy standing right in the tool shed he simply tells the average joe to FUCK OFF.
Conroy has one when he and Wei are duking it out with Big Smile Lee's men:
Conroy: Just for once I'd like to fight someone outside of my own triad!