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Funny / Sherlock Holmes (2009)

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Per wiki policy, Spoilers Off applies here and all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned.

  • Irene Adler handcuffs Holmes to a bedpost, entirely naked, with only a pillow covering his privates. There's a reason why it's also brilliant as the page image.
    Sherlock Holmes: Madam, I need you to remain calm, and trust me, I am a professional. But beneath this pillow lies the key to my release.
    [The maid runs out of the room, disgusted]
    Sherlock Holmes: [cuts to Holmes retelling the event to Clarkie] Of course, she misinterpreted my meaning entirely.
    Constable Clark: Naturally, sir.
  • Irene's in her hotel room when she hears a noise at the door. She rolls her eyes and opens it to reveal Holmes failing for the second time to pick a lock.
    • The first time Holmes fails to pick a lock is at Reordan's place, courtesy of Watson's foot.
  • Holmes having wine splashed into his face as he incorrectly analyses Mary's last relationship and remaining completely motionless in blank shock for about a minute afterward. And then nonchalantly resuming his meal when Mary and Watson depart.
    • Gets funnier with Fridge Brilliance - there's only one meal served, indicating that Holmes expected that the encounter would end with him offending Watson and/or Mary, causing them both to walk out.
    • Holmes wonders why it has taken Watson so long to introduce them properly when the previous scene made it clear it is Holmes himself that has been putting it off.
  • Watson making fun of Holmes for his connection to Irene Adler.
    John Watson: Look at you. Why is the only woman you've ever cared about a world class criminal? Are you a masochist?
    Sherlock Holmes: Allow me to explain.
    Watson: Allow me. She's the only adversary who ever outsmarted you. Twice. Made a proper idiot out of you.
    Holmes: Right, you've had your fun.
    Watson: What's she after, anyway?
    Holmes: It's time to press on.
    Watson: What could she possibly need?
    Holmes: [sighs] Doesn't matter.
    Watson: An alibi? A beard? A human canoe. She could sit on your back and paddle you up the Thames.
    • Holmes had insinuated that Mary was after something from Watson. Now Watson is gleefully returning the favour.
  • Holmes' following Irene through a crowd.
    • As Watson's on his way upstairs, he runs into Holmes, scrambling down the stairs.
      Watson: Holmes, what are you doing?
      Holmes: Nothing.
      Watson: Are you wearing a...
      Holmes: False nose? No.
    • Holmes then jumps out of the window doing a silly shriek and a crash is heard off-camera. He then shouts for Watson and Watson looks out of the window to see that Holmes has fallen through the roof of the coal shed. Watson proceeds to roll his eyes, shut the window, and walk away. Even funnier is that the soot stains Holmes gains from this accident benefit his disguise.
    • As he catches up to Irene, she's accosted by two muggers. One of them offers her flowers as bait to distract her while the other comes up on her from behind. She turns the tables on the men, making off with their money and the flowers.
      Holmes: That's the Irene I knew.
    • At the end of it all, Holmes rams the carriage of Irene's mystery employer while disguised as a hobo with an eyepatch, soot-stained teeth (by chewing a piece of coal) and dishevelled clothing.
  • Holmes compliments a silent Watson on his value as a companion, and is then sucker-punched by Watson.
    • "So that's a no to the opera then?"
    • They then squabble over a waistcoat, tugging at it like children, before Watson gets the better of the petulant struggle and throws it out of the carriage window.
  • "Why are you always so suspicious?" "Shall I answer chronologically, or alphabetically?"
    • "Be careful not to cut yourself on this lethal envelope."
  • "That's not Blackwood!" Holmes' expression is priceless.
    • "Now we have a firm grasp... of the obvious."
  • The woman who tells Watson's future. "What of the warts? Are they extensive?!"
    • Lace doilies giving up the game.
      Holmes: Doilies.
      Watson: Lace - doilies? Holmes, does your depravity know no bounds?!
      Holmes: No.
  • Watson to Holmes: "You look gorgeous."
  • "Take Watson." "I intend to." Followed by Holmes' scoffing.
  • "I'm in the process of inventing a device that muffles the sound of a gunshot!" "It's not working."
  • The hammer scene. Holmes is running from Dredger, who has armed himself with a massive sledgehammer. Holmes fumbles around for a weapon, and produces an ordinary hammer. Both take a moment to compare their armaments, followed by Holmes pathetically chucking his at Dredger. It just bounces off and fails to faze him.
    • Just to drive it home, the camera cuts to a side angle to make sure we see just exactly how small Holmes and his hammer are by scale compared to Dredger.
  • Holmes is transported blindfolded from the pen to the Temple of the Four Orders headquarters:
    Sir Thomas: Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am…
    Holmes: As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves – a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you really are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.
    Sir Thomas: Yes, well … standard procedure, I suppose.
  • When Irene makes a surprise visit to Holmes' room, he tries to be sneaky as her back is turned about slamming a picture of her on his desk face-down. What he intended to be subtle winds up being hilariously awkward.
    • Made even funnier by the scene where she leaves and he scurries off to find where she's going but first takes the time to slam the photo down again.
  • "Wear a jacket." "You wear a jacket!"
  • Holmes pwns his opponent in the Curb-Stomp Battle boxing match:
    Sherlock Holmes: That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.
    McMurdo: Oi, we ain't done yet! [McMurdo spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops]
    Sherlock Holmes: [voiceover] This must not register on an emotional level. [In slow motion] First, distract target. [Holmes flicks a handkerchief in front of his opponent's face] Then block his blind jab. [blocks an oncoming blow] Counter with cross to left cheek. [delivers a cut to that side of the face] Discombobulate. [claps his hands over his opponent's ears] Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. [blocks with his elbow and delivers a body blow] Block feral left. Weaken right jaw. Now fracture. [a cross to the jaw fractures the bone] Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus. Dislocate jaw entirely. [two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge] Heel kick to diaphragm. [a heel kick to the opponent's chest sends him crashing out of the ring] In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized. [Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then proceeds to do all of the foregoing in approximately six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring, before calmly walking away. A Stunned Silence falls on the crowd]
    Onlooker: Where did that come from?! [Everyone looks at their bets and realise that they've lost their money]
    • Note that Holmes even calculated the amount of time that the poor bastard would need before he would be able to look at himself in the mirror after receiving such an embarrassingly one-sided beating at the hands of a much smaller opponent.
    • The Curb-Stomp Battle itself is a combination of Moment of Awesome and this, due to being Disproportionate Retribution of the highest order.
  • Watson letting out the flies Holmes had spent the last six hours trapping inside a glass tube.
  • Holmes' discussion with Watson about and subsequent exchange with Mrs. Hudson:
    Holmes: There is only one case which intrigues me at present - the curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, and they appear most... sinister.
    Mrs. Hudson: [long-suffering] Tea, Mr. Holmes?
    Holmes: [seething with sarcasm] Is it poisoned, Nanny?!
    Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.
    Holmes: Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nnnnnanny.
    • From the same scene: "He's killed the dog... again."
    • Also from the same scene:
      Watson: Holmes, as your doctor…
      Holmes: [Gladstone]'ll be fit as a trivet in no time.
      Watson: AS YOUR FRIEND! You've been in this room for two weeks; I insist, you have to get out!
      Holmes: There's nothing of interest for me. Out there. On Earth. At all.
      Watson: So you're free this evening?
      Holmes: Absolutely.
      Watson: Dinner?
      Holmes: Wonderful.
      Watson: The Royale?
      Holmes: My favourite.
      Watson: Mary's coming.
      Holmes: [pause] Not available.
      Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!
      • The fact Holmes failed to deduce Watson would invite Mary and fell for his verbal trap is hilarious in itself.
  • Holmes after Dredger escapes and the fight in the shipyard causes a giant ship under construction to be launched prematurely: "Watson, what have you done?"
    • Immediately before that, Holmes had been knocked out cold for a bit, so when the ship slid into the bay, he then came to and looked around quizzically as if to say "Um, I distinctly recall there being a large ship under construction here not a moment ago..."
  • The scene where Holmes disguises himself when he follows after Irene becomes one of this when you realise that Robert Downey Jr. is the dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
  • Holmes twice uses an electrode against Dredger.
    Watson: Holmes, what is that?
    Holmes: [subtitled French] I don't know.
  • At Blackwood's tomb, Holmes is informed that the police are in the process of exhuming Blackwood's coffin. Said police constables are currently standing back as far from the tomb as they can, each one looking very, very nervous.
    Holmes: I see. At what stage of the process? Contemplative?
  • The scene in the jail where Watson and Holmes are held, in which the two end up bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
    Watson: When do I complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess? Your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?!
    Holmes: Er, we have a barter system
    Watson: When do I complain about you setting fire to my rooms?!
    Holmes: Our rooms.
    Watson: The rooms. When do I complain that you experiment on - on my dog?!
    Holmes: Our dog.
    Watson: [stammering with rage] The dog!
    Holmes: Gladstone is our dog.
    • Later in the same scene, when Holmes suggests that they go away to his brother Mycroft's estate, he makes it clear that he means he and Watson.
      Watson: Holmes, if I were to go to the country it would be with my future wife!
      Holmes: [jealously] Well certainly, if we must have her along...
      Watson: No! Not you! Mary and I! You are not -
      Holmes: Not what? Invited? Why would I not be invited to my own brother's country home? Watson, now you're not making any sense!
      Watson: You're not human!
    • In fact, any time Watson and Holmes have a Like an Old Married Couple moment probably goes here. Like this one:
      Watson: Not that it's any of my business, but I would advise you to leave. The case. Alone.
      Holmes: Well, I may not have a choice, hm? After all, I may be paying the rent on my own, soon. [points his violin bow at Watson] Thanks to you.
      Watson: Get that out of my face.
      Holmes: [childishly] It's not in your face, it's in my hand.
      Watson: [long-suffering] Then get what's in your hand out of my face.
      • There's a Call-Back to this scene in the trailer for the second movie.
  • When Lord Coward is trying to find Holmes in the smoke, talking about Blackwood's plans, and it turns out that Holmes has been sitting in a chair behind him, casually smoking his pipe.
  • At the end, when Watson and Mary climb up the stairs and into Holmes' room to discover him hanging from the ceiling from a noose. Mary has the decency to look shocked, but Watson simply drones, "Don't worry, dear. Suicide is not in his repertoire. He's far too fond of himself for that," then proceeds to poke him, whereupon it is revealed that Holmes got comfy enough in his harness to fall asleep.
  • A subtle, but still hilarious moment. When Watson asks Holmes if he knows where his rugby ball is, Holmes replies "No, not a clue" in a tone of voice that indicates he knows exactly where it is and won't be telling, and indeed may have even hidden it himself.
  • Holmes and Watson are investigating Luke Reardon's house after Watson agreed to help for just ten minutes when two of Blackwood's henchmen come in, about to set fire to the place. Holmes correctly deduces what the Mooks are there to do. One of the henchmen calls for Dredger. Cue heavy footsteps approaching. Then we cut to a shot of Holmes and Watson watching as Dredger enters the room. Seeing Dredger, Holmes' expression stays pretty much the same; Watson, on the other hand does not.
    • Also, this line:
      Holmes: [points to Dredger] Meat... [points to the two other henchmen] or potatoes?
      Watson: My ten minutes are up.
    • And the fight that follows, accompanied by the music that plays.
    • Early in the brawl Holmes get lifted by Dredger and lets out a very ridiculous shriek of fear.
    • The first time he gets zapped by Holmes, Dredger flies backwards into a closet, banging around loudly inside of it. He takes so long to come back out, the music actually stops for a few seconds. The real kicker is the way Holmes quizzically tilts his head to one side at the prolonged crashing noises, his expression screaming "What the devil is taking him so long?"
    • One of the two henchmen dies simply by having Dredger thrown on top of him.
    • When the fight begins, the two henchmen immediately charge at Watson, while Dredger calmly walks in, taking off his hat and coat and then rolling up his sleeves as he goes. The fight proceeds in much the same way - Watson's scrap is more visceral with buckets slammed onto heads. Dredger is content to just toss Holmes about while Holmes tries (and fails) to fight back with some sort of poise.
    • The mere fact that Sherlock accidentally invents the taser.
    • After using it to knock down Dredger, Sherlock frantically cranks up the electrode's charger, hastily snatches it up in preparation for Dredger's attack. Then he has to wait a couple of minutes while Dredger stumbles out of the basement he got knocked into.
  • Holmes and Irene are about to disarm Blackwood's device when, behind them, Watson is thrown across the way. Then enters Dredger, who spots Holmes and Irene. Irene fires two shots at Dredger, the last one hitting Dredger's hat before she runs out of ammo. Dredger approaches, removes his hat and calmly asks (in French) "Did you... miss me?"note , taking a moment to study his hat between that last line. Holmes then matter-of-factly tells Irene, "I rather wish you hadn't done that, Irene."
    • Following that, Watson grabs Dredger from behind and shouts at Holmes to "Nut him!" Holmes proceeds to run up to Dredger, jump up into the air and head-butt Dredger. Holmes then stumbles backward; the look on his face was priceless.
    • And then Holmes tries throwing a punch at Dredger, only to miss, due to being stunned by his own headbutt, slip and fall on his back.
  • When Clarkie comes by to get Holmes after being summoned by Lestrade, Holmes asks, "What's he done now? Lost his way to Scotland Yard?"
    • Following on that, after Holmes is informed of Blackwood's apparent resurrection, this exchange:
      Watson: You're not taking this seriously, are you, Holmes?!
      Holmes: Yes! As you should. [Watson stares and scoffs] This is a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell whether a man is dead or not!
  • When Dredger finally takes away Holmes's newest toy:
    Dredger: [in French] Run, little rabbit, run.
    Holmes: [in French] With pleasure. [takes off]
  • As they're searching the slaughterhouse, Holmes tells Watson to save his ammunition, then flips out and empties his gun in the direction of Blackwood's voice about two seconds later.
    Watson: [in disbelief] What was that about "saving bullets"?!
  • During the fight scene near the end, when Holmes has a bit of trouble fighting a Mook, he shouts at Irene: "WOMAN! SHOOT HIM! NOW, PLEASE!"
    • Oh, and he calls Irene "WOMAN!" again after she makes off with a piece of Blackwood's device.
  • Holmes: [to Blackwood in a very conversational tone] My, what a busy afterlife you're having.
  • When Holmes sees Blackwood's cell covered in pentagrams and remarks "I love what you've done with the place."
  • Watson's surgery with an old military man is constantly interrupted by Holmes' target practice in the other room. They've previously been discussing how Watson will be moving into a new place with his soon-to-be wife, leading to this exchange:
    Patient: [Cautiously] Your colleague. Won't be moving with you, will he?
    Watson: [With furious determination] No, he won't.
  • Clarkie trolling Sherlock on the way to Sir Thomas' manor. Especially the way Sherlock's always snarking the police; it's good to see that some have the wit to get one up on Sherlock.

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