- The Bizarro group of friends in "Bizarro Jerry".
- "The Little Kicks": The Elaine.
- George and Jerry's conversation about George being the bad boy.
Jerry: Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.
George: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George: Yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George: Okay, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George leaves) The bad tipper!
- The fight between Frank Costanza and Elaine after George gets arrested for bootlegging movies:
Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank: You wanna piece of me? YOU GOT IT! (They begin to fight)
- And Jerry acting like a finicky director when Brody won't give him what he wants. In fact, the whole theme of tying bootlegging in to directing movies is hilarious.
Kramer: Jerry wants to do the movie, he's dying to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers, and then nobody's happy.
Brody: Just SHOOT the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!!!
- In "The Package", Newman's entire interrogation of Jerry for suspicion of mail fraud.
Newman: Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during handling.
Jerry: Define 'rarely'.
Newman: (Holding clipboard) Is this or is this not your signature?
Jerry: As a matter of fact, it isn't.
Newman: Heh. (Looks at clipboard) "Uncle Leo"?
- Jerry and Kramer discussing write-offs:
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off!
Jerry: (incredulous) Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything!
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
- "The Fatigues": The ending, where George, who is supposed to be making a presentation of risk management, unknowingly has a speech meant for Kenny Bania:
George: "Ovaltine"... (pauses as he realizes he has the wrong speech. He continues, awkwardly) "Have you heard of this stuff? Why is it called ovaltine? They should call it "round-tine". You know what I'm talking about."
Wilhelm: (to another employee, proudly) He's my protege.
- "The Checks", George calls Jerry:
: (frantic) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub!
You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV! Jerry
: (teasing) Uncle Leo?? George
(bangs the pay phone against the booth) Jerry
: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up. (hangs up) Testy.
- "The Chicken Roaster": A Kenny Rogers restaurant right outside the apartment complex? What could go wrong? Oh, yeah...the sign is insanely bright and beams directly into Kramer's apartment. It drives him crazy(er):
Jerry: What is going on in there?!
Jerry: The light!
Kramer: Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, it's right across my window!
Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?
Kramer: (distraught) THEY ARE SHUT!
- He then storms out of Jerry's apartment, where the hallway is blood red and there's a horrible, constant electric buzzing. Kramer reacts like a vampire who got exposed to direct sunlight.
- Later, when Jerry becomes Kramer and Kramer becomes Jerry.
- Newman after trying to pretend he likes broccoli: "Vile weed!"
Kramer: Oh by the way, your friend, Seth, he stopped by.
Jerry: Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?
Kramer: Yeah, he was fired.
- The subplot with George losing Elaine's sable hat, which she needs to prove that it's a business expense. Later, she buys a much cheaper imitation sable hat off the street and is called on it:
Ipswitch: Ms. Benes, the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.
Elaine: Well, that's a... kind of sable.
Ipswitch: No, it's a kind of rat.
Elaine: ...That's a rat hat??
Ipswitch: And a poorly-made one, even by rat hat standards.
- In "The Andrea Doria", Kramer acting like a dog. Also hilarious is Smuckers's cough, which is obviously a human cough sound instead of a dog's.
Jerry: Kramer, get back here! You are bad! Bad Kramer! Bad Kramer!
- Elaine saying "giant freak head" and "I'm a walkin' candy apple!" is very funny too.
- Tom Gallop as Alan, the bad breaker-upper, has some great lines as well. "Tough luck, Chinless."
- George acting bored while his rival for the apartment tells his Andrea Doria story. The series of cuts while George tells of his tragedies. The traumatized looks on the faces of the board members when he's done. Their reaction to his stinger, "Oh, and my fiancee died from licking toxic envelopes...that I picked out." All priceless.
- Why does Kramer refuse to go to a doctor about his cold?
Kramer: No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line... Plus, they botched my vasectomy.
Jerry: (surprised) They botched it?
Kramer: I'm even more potent now!
Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure (snapping fingers) a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day.
- The scene in "The Little Jerry" where George and Kramer, who haven't yet been privy to each other's storylines in the episode, both burst into Jerry's apartment ranting about their current problems. Then they look at each other in confusion, and turn to Jerry to explain. He just says "I'm too tired."
- Even better is when Kramer mentions to Jerry that he bought a chicken. Jerry opens his mouth, only for George to stop him with "Allow me..." and turns to Kramer and asks "Why?"
- Also the ending where Kramer jumps in the ring and Jerry screams "Kramer!" Elaine screams "Stop the fight!" and George? He holds up a finger and screams "Tamale!" Also, Kramer getting pecked.
- In "The Money", George is upset because Elaine paid for his coffee:
George: You see what just happened here?
George: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
Jerry: And you misinterpret this how?
George: She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.
Jerry: I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.
George: No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
Jerry: You're crazy.
George: Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
George: STICKIN' IT!
- In the same episode, everything about Aunt Baby.
George: If Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?
Frank: She'd never make it.
- "The Comeback":
"Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!"
"...his wife is in a coma."
- The whole subplot with Jerry purposefully playing badly at tennis against Milos, who doesn't want his wife to know he's bad at the game.
- "The Susie": "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a mesaaaaage at the beep..."
- "The Pothole": Newman's mailtruck bursting into flames as he's driving down the highway.
Newman: AAAAAHHHH!!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!
- "The Nap":
[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
- Before that, we have the one-episode renovation of Jerry's apartment, which offers some great physical comedy as the four try to see each other through the awkwardly-placed cupboards. And George is more angry than usual, partially because of Jerry's demands as the "terrorist", but also because his new setup makes him very uncomfortable.
- When Steinbrenner's grandchildren are visiting, one of them goes under the desk and sees George.
Brian Steinbrenner: Hi.
George Costanza: Get away. Shoo. Get away. Shoo. Get away.
Brian: Hi. I'm Brian.
George Costanza: Beat it, Brian! Beat it! Beat it!
- In "The Yada Yada", Kramer accuses Jerry of being an anti-dentite.
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools!
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
- Jerry goes to confession to tell a priest that Tim Whatley has converted to Judaism to make jokes. When the priest asks him if it offends him as a Jew, he says, "No, it offends me as a comedian!"
- "I'd punch your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard!" as delivered by Robert Wagner.
- Elaine and the priest both love the "Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat" Jewish joke:
Elaine: "No, I said "Hand me the buoys!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Buoys"!
- From "The Millennium", when Jerry and girlfriend-of-the-week Valerie are about to go to the movies:
Valerie: I don't wanna miss the previews.
Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theater cut-up. Last week after a preview, I yelled out, "Must MISS!"
Valerie: I think that I was in that theater. That, that was really funny.
Jerry: (reflective) Yeah, it got a good laugh.
- When Kramer stores a bunch of New Year's stuff in Jerry's apartment ("You're not even gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em."). Then Kramer brings over balloons:
Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled until New Year's!
Kramer: Those aren't for New Year's; those are my everyday balloons.
- From "The Muffin Tops":
Rebecca: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.
Elaine: Oh, hi.
Rebecca: Are you the ones leaving the muffin pieces behind our shelter?
Elaine: You been enjoying them?
Rebecca: They're just stumps.
Elaine: Well they're perfectly edible.
Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?
Mr. Lippman: No no, we just thought...
Rebecca: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're *lucky* to get the stumps!
Elaine: If the homeless don't like them the stumps, they don't have to eat them.
Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
Elaine: We were just trying to help.
Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?!
Elaine: (insulted) I think I might!
- When Kramer agrees to haul Elaine's muffin stumps to the dump:
Kramer: Do they mind sitting in the back?
Elaine: No they don't.
Kramer: Are they war veterans?
(Elaine looks at him, confused)