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Funny: Seinfeld
What do you mean, Seinfeld Is Unfunny? These moments from the classic sitcom prove otherwise:
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     In General 
  • Anytime Jerry and Newman say "Hello, Newman" and "Hello, Jerry" respectively.
    • Hell, Newman in general.
  • George Steinbrenner as voiced by Larry David. The majority of his appearances resulted in him going off on an unrelated tangent and George slowly backing out of his office.
    • One of the best Steinbrenner moments, from "The Millennium" when George put on Babe Ruth's uniform:
    Steinbrenner: Hey, check this out. Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. Big Stein can't be floppin' and twitchin'!
  • Jerry and George's chemistry, specifically when George says something and Jerry repeats part of it in agreement. An example from "The Label Maker":
    George: I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.
    Jerry: He was shouldering.
  • A great example of meta-humor: Someone made a George Costanza LinkedIn account.
  • The commentaries have their moments. In "The Dealership", Julia is amused by the scene where Kramer has a giant stuffed Tweety Bird in the backseat, and surmises that one of his routine "errands" was to get Tweety.

     Outtakes 
  • The outtakes on the DVD sets are some of the funniest outtakes for any show. Notable highlights:
    • In one scene, Kramer enters the doorway and says "Whaddya-" in a hoarse voice before exiting view to try it again.
    • In "The Suicide", George frantically asks a very pregnant Rula (who's water broke) if he's getting lupus on his vacation. When she doesn't answer, Jason improvises and hops on the bed, shouting "SAY IT, YOU BITCH!"
    • In "The Red Dot," Jerry says George had sex with his chambermaid instead of his cleaning woman. After a huge laugh from the audience, Jason keeps going with the scene for a while before the mistake penetrates his head.
    • In "The Cafe", Brian George (playing Babu) has trouble keeping a straight face when Jerry calls him over: "Babu... Babu... Babu..."
    • In "The Fix-Up", there's a scene where George and Jerry are eating at a restaurant. But it goes on longer than it needs to, prompting Jason (with a mouth full of food) to remark, "Cut the goddamn take." while cracking up.
    • In "The Watch", Jerry grabs Uncle Leo's arm before he leaves the bathroom and says, "Hang on a second... I got a little preposition for ya... or proposition."
    • In "The Bubble Boy", Jerry jumps the gun on explaining what a bubble boy is:
    Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
    George: A bubble boy??
    Jerry: Yes, he lives in a bubble!
    Susan: What's a bubble boy?
    Jason: ...Well, I think Jerry just explained that.
    • In take three, after making the same mistake three times in a row, Jason tells Jerry, "You shmuck!"
    • In "The Airport", Julia keeps cracking up during the scene at the airport, and it's infectious to Jerry.
    Jerry: (smiling wide) There's no point in going; Julia's laughing.
    • In "The Virgin", George is at the window and tries to shut the blinds, but every time he pulls the cord, they keep raising. Finally after many attempts, he manages to shut them, and the director says to go again.
    Jason: Why? Is something wrong?
    • In "The Smelly Car":
    George: So what are you gonna do?
    (Jerry stammers)
    Jason: Really?! Holy (shit)! (falls backwards onto the couch)
    • In "The Pilot Part 2":
    Kramer: I wanna be close to home base in case I... poo-poo. (Julia doubles over laughing)
    • In "The Masseuse", Kramer spasms backwards and accidentally hits his head on the door, then leaves the room. Jerry asks if Michael is all right; Julia looks backstage and replies, "He's dead."
    • In "The Scofflaw", Jerry knocks over some crackers by accident and says, "Sorry." Jason, puzzled, asks: "You're apologizing to the crackers?"
    • In the aired version of "The Couch", Jerry's line is: "I coulda stayed home and ordered pizza from Paccino's." But in one of the outtakes, Jerry said, "I coulda stayed home and ordered pizza from Bingo's." This greatly amused Julia, and Jerry ran with it:
    Julia: "Bingo's"?
    Jerry: (quickly, as if to get her to laugh) Yeah, Bingo's.
    Julia: Don't start, you...
    • In "The Secretary", Michael flubbed his line "When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skimp on the swank" by forgetting the last word and saying "Sssshhh..." Julia finished it for him: "Skimp on the shit?"
    • In "The Doorman", George is looking down his shirt and jiggling to see if he has breasts. In the aired episode, the camera is focused on Jerry and Elaine's dialog, but here, it's just on George, who incessantly and obsessively jiggles while they're talking. Finally, Jerry and Julia crack up at Jason, who was surprised to learn he was on camera the whole time.
    Julia: (to Jason) I can do that too, ya know.
    • From "The Shower Head", the scene where Frank Costanza is told there are no available condos in Del Boca Vista. Jerry Stiller's struggles to wrap his mouth around the name are even funnier than the scene itself.
    • In "The Wait Out", during the Jerry/Elaine/George fight, one of the takes featured Julia grabbing Jason and slamming him into the door at full force. Clearly, he wasn't prepared for that.
    • In "The Fatigues", Jerry and George discuss proteges:
    George: So they do things for you, and all you have to do is spout off advice?
    Jerry: (surly) That's right, in a very stupid, primitive sort of way.
    (Beat)
    Jason: ...All right.
    (both Jerry and Jason laugh; Jason mumbles something)
    Jerry: I love the way he just lets this slide off.
    • In "The Chicken Roaster", George squeezed some ketchup onto his plate, but the bottle made a squirt noise.
    Michael: Do that again; that ketchup made a funny sound.
    Jason: If I do it again, I'll have a plate full of ketchup.
    Michael: If you don't, people will think you foo-foo'd on TV.
    • From "The Little Kicks": Julia Louis-Dreyfus repeatedly cracks up at Jerry Stiller's line reads (see the Season 8 tab for the quotes from the scene). It's practically a small miracle that they got a usable take out of it.
    • Related to the above: In "The Susie", Julia kept cracking up at Jerry's line, "Yeah but he didn't sleep with both of 'em.", not helped by Mike's over-the-top reading of, "She was murdered, by JERRY SEINFELD!!!!" Julia's reaction to Mike's line is priceless.
    • In "The Money", Barney Martin stammers through his intro to J. Peterman. He's supposed to say he cut velvet with Harry Altman, by the way.
    Morty: Morty Seinfeld. I cut... velvet on... (tries again) I cut velvet for 38 years with Hal- Herb Alpert.
    • In a blooper from a deleted scene:
    Morty: If we don't make that Prince William children's... pajamas re- flame retardant, we can save an extra thirty cents a unit. (clears throat) Wait 'til I tell Japoco- (clears throat again; Julia laughs) Wait 'til I tell Jackopo! Jacopo! Wait 'til I tell Jacopo! (whistles) Gimme a name, for Christ sake!
    • In "The Nap", George asks Jerry what size hat he wants. Jerry replies, "5 and 7/8." Jason immediately observes: "I doubt that." Jerry correct himself: "7 and 5/8."
    • In "The Summer of George", Kramer said "Raquel Welch" as "Raquel Relch", due to trilling his Rs too long.
    Jerry: ...I'm not familiar with her work.
    • In "The Voice", Kramer's line read of "He's [Darrin's] going away for a long, long time" is so odd that it cracks up everybody. Michael Richards asks why he just did a Clint Eastwood movie.
    • Jerry Stiller doesn't just crack up Julia; in outtakes for "The Serenity Now", Jason can't keep a straight face either.
    George: (talking while laughing) Do you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?
    Frank: Yes, I do. That's why I have a secret weapon... (Beat; Jason is smiling widely) my son.
    Jason: (cracks up) Oh Jesus Christ...
    • Julia misses her cue: "Augh! What am I doing?! I was just watching the show!" Jerry, smiling, to camera: "Like millions of Americans."

    Season 1 
  • In "The Robbery", Kramer's masterful detective skills:
    Kramer: Jerry, I think Iím on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?
    Jerry: Yeah.
    Kramer: The last couple a days heís been acting very strange. I think heís avoiding me.
    Jerry: Hard to imagine.
    Kramer: Yeah! And get this: I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I... this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, "Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff." Y'know, very casually.
    Jerry: Right.
    Kramer: So that he was gonna take me into his confidence.
    Jerry: So what'd he say?
    Kramer: "What stuff?".
    Jerry: Ooh, case closed!
    Kramer: No, you donít understand, you see, he swallowed! See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, Iím gonna go over there, Iím gonna borrow some tea. If I donít get back in five minutes, maybe youíd better call the police.
  • In "The Stock Tip", George acting cocky when he struck it rich. It's rare that George has something good happen to him, so when it does, he really milks it.
    George: (smugly) I told you not to sell!

    Season 2 
  • In "The Ex-Girlfriend", this exchange between Jerry and one of his girlfriends:
    Woman: I just can't be with someone if I don't respect their career.
    Jerry: *incredulous* You're a cashier!
  • "The Jacket": Jerry and George's squirm-inducing meeting with Elaine's father, basically Laurence Tierney playing himself. Especially when Elaine finally gets there and asks where he is: George rasps out "He's in the bathroom" in a perfect impression of Tierney.
    George: If Elaine doesn't show up, we can't have dinner with this guy alone.
    Jerry: How're we going to get out of it?
    George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
    • This bit, after commercial:
    Alton: Yeah, they should've taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in '53.
    Seinfeld: (unable to come up with anything meaningful to add, merely says...) Well, Guatemala...
  • "The Phone Message": George is at the end of a date that went well. He's just arrived at her apartment, and she invites him up for "coffee". He refuses, since coffee keeps him up. She leaves, presumably too embaressed to ask him more openly. About five seconds later, George catches on, and Jason Alexander gives us one of the funniest "Oh crap!" (but not Oh Crap) moments ever, which is proving remarkably hard to locate on YouTube.
  • In "The Statue", the entire scene when Kramer impersonates a cop to recover a stolen statue, but especially:
    "I think you got the wrong guy!"
    [in a moment of doubt] "Your name Ray?"
    "Yes?"
    "YEAH YOU'RE THE GUY I'M LOOKING FOR!"
    • Word of God says this was one of the earliest character-defining moments for Kramer.
    • Another funny bit in "The Statue": George sitting at another booth from Jerry (who was meeting Ray to discuss the statue's disappearance after he cleaned Jerry's apartment) and making sarcastic remarks about the lies Ray was telling. Finally, George erupts and harasses Ray to admit he stole Jerry's statue. The rhythm to the dialogue in that scene is perfect.
    Ray: For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop.(...) Yes, in Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments.
    George: Cleaning them out.
  • From "The Revenge": George pondering potential jobs.
  • "The Heart Attack": The gang visiting the Holistic Healer. Also, George's line "I'm an eggplant!" (after his face turns purple from an allergic reaction) in the ambulance and the fight over the Red Chuckles candy.
    • Earlier, a bedridden George requests that Jerry kill him. Jerry decides to play with him, grabbing a pillow and asking, "What do you mean, like this?", pushing the pillow onto his face. Then Elaine walks in, shocked at what she's seeing.
    Jerry: (mock surprise) Elaine! What are you doing here??
  • "The Deal": Jerry tells George he slept with Elaine and George wants details and rants about why he deserves to hear them.
    • George's response "Oxygen...I need oxygen!" when he hears that Jerry slept with Elaine is gold.

    Season 3 
  • From "The Note": The whole business of George getting a massage from a male masseuse. Also, "I think it moved."
  • From "The Pen", Elaine writhing in the uncomfortable bed.
    Elaine: This bar is right in my back!
  • From "The Library": Bookman the Library Cop. Jerry seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face for real.
  • From "The Cafe": Kramer freaking out when Babu places a steaming hot towel on his unsuspecting hands.
  • "The Alternate Side": "THESE PRETZELS. ARE MAKING ME. THIRSTY!!!"
    • Jerry giving the car rental agent the business.
  • "The Subway": Elaine's meltdown. Notable for containing one of the rare Cluster F Bombs in Seinfeld.
  • "The Boyfriend": "VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY! VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!"
    • "No, you're way, WAY off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment!"
    • "And you want to be my latex salesman."
    • Jerry deconstructing the time Keith Hernandez spit on Kramer and Newman in the manner of Kevin Costner in JFK.
      • "That is one magic loogie."
  • "The Parking Garage": The car breaking down in the mall. This was actually a Throw It In: the original ending was to have Jerry get lost in the parking lot. However, the actual car wouldn't start. If you look closely, you can see Jason Alexander howling with laughter.
    • The whole subplot with Jerry (and later, George) being hauled in by a taciturn cop for urinating in public. Jerry makes up excuse after excuse (ranging from "It's a medical condition!" to "I was pouring out a bottle of water"), and it's all a riot because the near-silent cop just lets him keep talking and making a fool of himself.
  • From "The Keys"
    Kramer: (disgusted) Look at you.
    George: Aw, Kramer, don't start.
    Kramer: You're wasting your life.
    George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life.
    Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
    George: No.
    Kramer: You got money?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have a woman?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you got anything on the horizon?
    George: Uh...no.
    Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
    George: I like to get the Daily News.

    Season 4 
  • Kramer gets star-struck by Fred Savage in "The Trip Part 1", leading to this hilarious scene where he meets him in a cafe:
    Kramer: Hey. (talking quickly and nervously) Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
    Savage: Thank you.
    Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
    Savage: Thanks.
    Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
    Savage: It's okay, relax. Relax.
    Kramer: Okay, but I got this... (sets his foot on Savage's table, collapsing it) Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
    Savage: (backing towards the door) Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate.
    Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.
    Savage: Yeah.
    Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you.
    Savage: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye! (runs out)
  • Kramer is heard slipping and falling in the shower in "The Trip, Part 2."
    • In the same episode, Kramer becomes a murder suspect and is apprehended by the police, but he initially thinks he's being cast in a movie or TV show. But when Jerry and George tell him the truth, Kramer acts cool, walks over to a police officer, asks for another minute, returns to the window...and starts hysterically begging Jerry and George to help him, only to be hauled away by the police.
    • THEN Kramer gets interrogated harshly by a police detective to the point where he breaks down and starts sobbing and babbling. But then the detective receives word that Kramer isn't the serial killer they're after, so the police lets Kramer go. Kramer immediately recovers and tries to ask who the killer is, only to be urged out the room. As he goes, Kramer nearly hits the wall.
  • "The Pitch", Kramer's adamant idea that Jerry's show be about a circus:
    Jerry: I'm not pitchin' a show about freaks!
  • In "The Ticket" when Jerry and George agree to write the pilot for NBC, George complains that Ted Danson gets more money than him:
    George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
    Jerry: He's somebody.
    George: What about me?
    Jerry: You're nobody.
    George: Why him? Why not me?
    Jerry: He's good, you're not.
    George: I'm better than him.
    Jerry: You're worse! Much, much worse.
  • Even though the episode "The Opera" was Darker and Edgier than the rest of the series, it did have George in his tuxedo, which made him look like a penguin.
    • Plus Jerry's softshoe rendition of the Bugs Bunny Show theme song.
  • In the Seinfeld episode "The Virgin":
    Jerry: Hi, Marla.
    Marla: Jerry.
    Jerry: George, Marla
    Georga: Marla.
    Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
    Jerry: Stacey.
    Stacey: Jerry.
    Jerry: George, Stacey.
    George: Stacey.
    Stacey: George.
    Jerry: (Hinting) George.
    George: (Getting the hint to leave) Jerry. Marla... Stacey!
  • "The Contest" can be summed up with two scenes: George's Intercourse With Himself confession and Kramer's, uh, "little moment". It should be no surprise it always ranks high on "funniest TV/Seinfeld episodes" lists.
    Kramer: "I'M OUT!"
  • Elaine's nipple being exposed on her Christmas card in "The Pick". At her office everybody starts calling her "Nip." Newman's bored reaction to seeing the nipple and Jerry trying to reassure Elaine. "So what? It's a nipple! Here look see he's got them I got them...Everybody's got them!" Also, the woman watching Jerry scratching his nose and from her angle it looks like he's picking his nose and her disgusted reaction. Also, George and Jerry's discussing whether it was a pick or a scratch.
    • Elaine to George complaining that he didn't get a Christmas card: "You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card?" *grabs George's face and rubs it in her chest* "Here! Here's your Christmas card!"
    • When Jerry defends his nose-picking: "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!"
  • In "The Shoes", George is enjoying the view down a woman's loose shirt and her dad steps up behind him: "Get a good look, Costanza?"
    • Earlier in the scene, an ill Mr. Dalrymple runs to the bathroom because he has to throw up again. This is during his meeting about Jerry and George's script, mind you.
    George: (confused) Do you think he like it?
    (Dalrymple is heard vomiting loudly from the bathroom)
    Jerry: ...I'm not sure.
  • "The Outing" is particularly memorable. How many other shows can milk humour out of a two-line phone?
    George: Look, do you want to have sex right now? Do you want to have sex right now?! Let's go! COME ON, LET'S GO, BABY!!!
  • Sid Fields had the best lines in the episode "The Old Man". "What the HELL is it?" "The agency what agency the CIA!" "I might drop dead today but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday!" "Oh before you go would you mind changing my diaper" *laughs*
  • "The Implant": The whole "double dipping" conversation:
    Timmy: What are you doing?
    George: What?
    Timmy: Did you just double dip that chip?
    George: (confused) Excuse me?
    Timmy: (accusing) You double dipped the chip!
    George: "Double dipped"? What are you talking about?
    Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again.
    George: (unconcerned) ...So?
    Timmy That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and END it!
    George: (defiantly) Well, I'm sorry, Timmy... but I don't dip that way.
    Timmmy: You don't, huh?
    George: No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips again)
    (the two engage in a scuffle)
  • "The Junior Mint": Kramer pesters Jerry about joining him to see the operation. A surly Jerry replies: "All right, just lemme finish my coffee!... Then we can watch 'em slice this fat bastard up."
    • Kramer and Jerry observe an artist's splenectomy and accidentally drop a Junior Mint from the viewing gallery into the patient's body. Their bewildered expressions as they watch this happen is priceless.
  • "The Handicapped Spot", when George acts as Frank's butler:
    Frank: I don't think you did such a good job on these shoes.
    (an irritated George slowly shuts off the vacuum cleaner)
    George: What?
    Frank: You're supposed to see your face in there. (holds the shoe up to George's face) DO YOU SEE YOUR FACE IN THERE?!

    Season 5 
  • "The Puffy Shirt". Jerry: "But I don't wanna be a pirate!" here.
    • "I said milky white!"
    • George's parents arguing.
      Estelle: Georgie, would you like some jello?
      Frank: Why'd you put the bananas in there?
      Estelle: GEORGE LIKES THE BANANAS!
      Frank: SO LET HIM HAVE BANANAS ON THE SIDE!
    • George freaking out over anything that might wreck the perfect state of his hands because a woman said his hands are nice enough for him to be a hand model.
    • The sight of Jerry wearing the puffy shirt.
    • "He was not master of his domain."
      • And George's offhand remark that he won "a contest," which was actually the first time we learned who had won, after the actual contest episode ended with Jerry and George still in the running.
  • In "The Glasses", Kramer grills Dwayne about giving George the optometry discount, and his guilt-tripping speech sounds an awful lot like confronting a recovering drug/alcohol addict:
    Kramer: What is going on here?
    Dwayne: What are you talking about?
    Kramer: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.
    (...)
    Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount.
    Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
    Dwayne: For what?
    (Kramer pulls out a candy bar)
    Kramer: Remember this?
    Dwayne: What are you doing?
    Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two Butterfingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
    Dwayne: Put that away!
    Kramer: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, YEAH, YEAH!!!
    Dwayne: (snaps) All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away!
  • "The Bris": The discussion on Pig-men.
    • At the hospital, when Kramer is intent on freeing the pigman:
    Kramer: Hey, you got room for the pigman?
    George: The pigman can take the bus.
    Kramer: Y'know, if the pigman had a car, he'd give you a ride.
    George: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
    Kramer: (incredulously) Be realistic, George.
    • The mohel's rant:
    Mohel: (something falls in the kitchen) What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack! All right, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris and... (the baby cries) Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry? 'Cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child? 'Cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!
    Elaine: ...Did you find the place alright?
    Mohel: Did I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, 'course, I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh, what's the point.
    (Elaine sets her glass down on a table)
    Mohel: Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass. Why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breathe and that glass falls over! Then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces! And then you think you got it all, and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you KILL yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? Do you?!
    Elaine: ...He's very highly recommended, so...
  • The restaurant scene in "The Lip Reader" guest-starring Marlee Matlin as Jerry's deaf linesman girlfriend. George realizes she can read lips to find out why a recent girlfriend broke up with him. They carry out a whole conversation using various methods of hiding their lips from her, but she still follows them perfectly, and immediately agrees.
  • "The Non-Fat Yogurt": Jerry accidentally swore in front of a boy named Matthew, prompting Jerry to apologize and teach Matthew that it's not right to swear. But then Matthew unraveled his cassette tape (which featured a great performance he made the other night), causing Jerry to shout:
    Jerry: What the (fuck) are you doing, you little piece of (shit)?!?!
    • Kramer repeatedly getting proven wrong is pretty funny. First, he claims that you can't let ice cream melt or it changes the molecules; the lab technician flatly refutes this and Kramer looks offended. Later, Jerry gets the results: "Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Beat) FAT." Kramer (who was adamant than the yogurt was non-fat) falls backward and squeaks out an embarrassed "Yeah!"
  • "The Barber": The whole subplot with George showing up for work even though he wasn't sure if he was hired. This ends with a great exchange:
    Tuttle: So, where's that Penske file? Let's see what you've been up to all week.
    (George hands him the file; it has barely been touched)
    Tuttle: (looks at it) ...What have you been doing all week?
    George: (unconcerned) Well, you missed a lovely party that we had for Grace.
    Tuttle: (confirming) You... haven't done anything with this.
    George: Well, bear in mind, I am in a smaller office.
    Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
    George: You are aware... that, uh, Penske is interested in me.
    Tuttle: (scoffs) You're not Penske material.
    George: (smugly) Really. Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tutt-ell. (leaves)
  • "The Dinner Party", George complains about having to buy a gift for the party:
    George: I just don't like the idea that every time there is a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.
    Jerry: Y'know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
    George: Do chickens have individual personalities? If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around, "Cluck cluck cluck"? Because if they have individual personalities, I don't think we should be eating them.
  • "The Marine Biologist": George telling how he saved the whale. It got a golf ball stuck in its blowhole...one that had been hit by Kramer earlier in the episode.
    Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? ...A hole-in-one, huh?
    • And one of George's funniest lines in the whole series:
    George: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  • "The Pie": "Poppy's a little sloppy."
  • "The Stand-In": The entire "He took it out" scene.
    • George saying "I spent so much time trying to get the women's clothes off I've never thought of taking mine off."
  • "The Fire": The story behind Kramer saving a pinky toe.
    • Eric the Clown(Jon Favreau) being fed up with George bothering him about not knowing who "Bozo the Clown" is.
    "You're living in the past man! You're hung up on some clown from the SIXTIES man!!"
    • There's much more funny stuff in "The Fire." How about when George sees the fire and sprints for the door, pushing Eric, an old lady, and small children out of his way? If it had been done by any other character apart from George Costanza, it would have been an evil act. Instead, it turns into one of his funniest scenes.
    Old woman: THAT'S THE COWARD THAT LEFT US TO DIE!!!
    • And George's excuse for his behavior? That he was leading the way.
    Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
    George: ...It's not easy.
    • Later, George defends himself again to Jerry:
    Jerry: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
    George: To some degree.
    Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
    George: In a manner of speaking.
    Jerry: Well, it's honest.
    George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
    Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
    George: (miffed) Perhaps.
  • "The Hamptons": "There was significant shrinkage!"
    Elaine: What do you mean? Like, laundry?
  • "The Opposite": "My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

    Season 6 
  • "The Chaperone": Kramer's oddly fierce devotion to mentoring Miss Rhode Island, as well as his Drill Sergeant Nasty demeanor towards her:
    Kramer: If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!
  • Jerry and Elaine discuss Newman in "The Big Salad"
    Elaine: Maybe there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
    Jerry: No there's less. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
  • In "The Couch", Poppy deliberately pees on Jerry's sofa. "POPPY PEED ON MY SOFA!"
    • When Jerry grabs Kramer to scream at him "Poppy peed on my sofa!" notice how the water Kramer's holding spills into Jerry's mouth and Jerry spits it out while talking.
    • Kramer's reaction to seeing the pee puddle on the couch is priceless.
    • "The Couch" also features one of the funniest bits in the entire show, when Kramer and Poppy get in an argument about the proper way to cook a pizza, which is an allusion to the whole abortion argument:
    Poppy: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
    Kramer: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
    Poppy: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
    Kramer: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
    Poppy: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
    Kramer: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
    Poppy: Because it's a pizza!
    Kramer: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
    Poppy: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
    Kramer: No, it isn't!
    Poppy: Yes, it is!
  • "The Label-Maker" has a couple:
    Jerry: I don't trust this guy [Whatley]. I think he re-gifted, then he de-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp!!
    • Kramer and Newman play the board game Risk on the subway:
    Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
    Kramer: Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
    Man: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
    Kramer: Yeah well, we're playing a game here, pal.
    Man: (angry) Ukraine is game to you? How about I take your little board and SMASH-!!! (pounds his fist on the game board, sending pieces flying everywhere)
  • "The Beard": "I don't like this thing and here's what I'm doing with it!"
    • It's not mentioned much when it comes to this episode, but I love Jerry making fun of Elaine for not wanting to shake her "shake well" drink.
    Elaine: I'm sick of shaking, you have to shake everything now.
    Jerry: (shaking so lightly he's barely moving his arm) Yeah, that's a real nuisance. Oh this is killin' me. (Elaine looks annoyed)
  • "The Kiss Hello." After a rant about how Jerry hates kissing, Kramer passionately kissed him.
    • Best part? It was never mentioned again.
    • No, the best part is that George walks in on it, stares, and then slowly backs out of the room and closes the door behind him.
    • An even better part is Jerry's wide-eyed reaction.
  • "The Doorman": The entire conversation between George and his mom in the car.
    • The Bro. (a male version of a bra)
      • MANSIERRE!
    • George and his mother walking in on Kramer putting the bro on George's father.
  • "The Doodle": When Jerry discovers why he has fleas.
    Jerry: Oh, I know the chunky that left these chunkies! NEWMAN!!!!
  • "The Fusilli Jerry": "I'm Cosmo Kramer, the ASSMAN!"
    • Even better is when Frank says it:
    Frank: You think I don't know? ASS-MAAAAAAAAAAAAN?!?!?!

    Season 7 
  • "The Postponement": Kramer guilt-tripping Jerry about littering.
    Jerry: (sarcastically) Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
    Kramer: Maybe I will.
    • Kramer's coffee accidentally scalding him when he gets into his movie seat. The way Kramer spasms about when it happens is hilarious.
    Usher: Whatcha got? One of those Cafe Latte's in your shirt?!
  • "The Hot Tub": George's ribbing being mistaken for angry threats:
    George: YOU TELL THAT SON OF A BITCH NO YANKEE IS EVER COMING TO HOUSTON! NOT AS LONG AS YOU BASTARDS ARE RUNNING THINGS!
    Wilhelm: George! Get ahold of yourself!
    • When George Steinbrenner and George were in the hottub.
  • "The Soup Nazi" is perhaps the ultimate example of Seinfeld Is Unfunny:
    George: I couldn't help but notice the guy in front of me got free bread.
    Soup Nazi: You want free bread? No soup for you! (takes soup, while his assistant simultaneously hands the money back to George)
    • A scene later is great, when Jerry is practically orgasming while eating his soup:
    George: I don't know how you can sit there eating and not even offer me any.
    Jerry: I gave you a taste; what do you want?!
    George: Why can't we share?
    Jerry: I told you not to say anything! You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules, and expect me to share with you!
    George: Do you hear yourself??
    Jerry: I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime!
  • In "The Pool Guy", George explaining the struggle between relationship George and independent George. Also, when Elaine gets in Jerry's apartment and George goes to her "You're killing Independent George!"
    George: Movie!George, coffeeshop!George, liar!George...bawdy!George!
    Jerry: I love that George!
    George: Me too! And he's DYING, Jerry! If relationship!George walks through that door, he will KILL independent!George! A George divided amongst himself CANNOT STAND!
    • When Newman accidentally jumps on Ramon in the pool, knocking him out.
    Jerry: I think he's gonna need... mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
    Newman: ...Mouth-to-mouth?
    Jerry: Yeah. So, g'ahead.
    Newman: You go.
    Jerry: You knocked him out.
    Newman: Yeah, but you pulled him in.
    Jerry: Come on, Newman, do it.
    Newman: (shakes head) Nah.
    Jerry: He might die.
    Newman: Yeah, maybe.
    • Kramer's subplot in the episode involves his new phone number being one number off of Moviefone. He takes the opportunity to fill in for said service... and then at the end of the episode, there's a knock at the door...
    Moviefone Voice: HELLO, AND WELCOME TO- YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!
  • "The Rye":
    Estelle: George, can you zip me up?
    George: Yeah yeah, one second.
    Estelle: Well come on!
    George: All right, all right! Let's not get into PANIC mode!!!
  • From "The Caddy":
    (As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage can)
    KRAMER (picking up the wrapper): Ohhhh, what's this?
    JERRY: Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a secondÖ th-th-that—
    KRAMER: Oh I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she?
    JERRY: Kramer, it is not what you think.
    KRAMER: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.
    JERRY: And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!
    KRAMER: You're just out for sex!!
    JERRY: You're just out for money!!
    KRAMER and JERRY (together): Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!!!!!!
    Frank: Jerry it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here, George is dead, call me back!
  • "The Doll", where George's girlfriend has a doll that looks exactly like his mother, and it begins talking to him. Also, when Frank saw the doll at the end, he also imagined it talking to him in Estelle's voice, then strangled it and pulled its head off.
  • "The Friars Club": Jerry getting chewed out by Pat Cooper for losing the Friars Club jacket.
    Pat: Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what?
    Jerry: I forgot to take it off.
    Pat: You forgot to take it off? Ohhh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you, some sort of an idiot?
    Jerry: I'm sorry.
    Pat: Where is the jacket?
    Jerry: Well, one of the gypsies took it.
    Pat: Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of gypsies! Oh, on every block, there's a gypsy!
    George: Well, it's true. I saw it.
    Pat: Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in show business?
    George: No, I-
    Pat: Then what am I talking to you for?!
  • "The Wig Master": Kramer sleeping in Jerry's bed.
    Kramer: (to Jerry, who was sleeping) Patio furniture's on sale.
    • Kramer in pimp clothes.
  • "The Invitations": It's one of the darkest moments in the series but there something so morbidly hilarious about George's reaction to Susan's death that I crack up everytime.
    George: Well, let's get some coffee.

    Season 8 
  • The Bizarro group of friends in "Bizarro Jerry".
  • "The Little Kicks": The Elaine.
    • George and Jerry's conversation about George being the bad boy.
    Jerry: Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.
    George: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
    Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
    George: Yes, yes...
    Jerry: The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
    George: Okay, the point is made.
    Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George leaves) The bad tipper!
    • The fight between Frank Costanza and Elaine after George gets arrested for bootlegging movies:
    Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
    Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
    Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
    Elaine: You got that right.
    Frank: What the hell does that mean?
    Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
    Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
    Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
    Frank: You wanna piece of me? YOU GOT IT! (They begin to fight)
    • And Jerry acting like a finicky director when Brody won't give him what he wants. In fact, the whole theme of tying bootlegging in to directing movies is hilarious.
    Kramer: Jerry wants to do the movie, he's dying to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers, and then nobody's happy.
    Brody: Just SHOOT the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!!!
  • In "The Package", Newman's entire interrogation of Jerry for suspicion of mail fraud.
    Newman: Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during handling.
    Jerry: Define 'rarely'.
    Newman: Frequently...
    (Later)
    Newman: (Holding clipboard) Is this or is this not your signature?
    Jerry: As a matter of fact, it isn't.
    Newman: Heh. (Looks at clipboard) "Uncle Leo"?
    • Jerry and Kramer discussing write-offs:
    Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
    Jerry: How is it a write-off?
    Kramer: They just write it off!
    Jerry: (incredulous) Write it off what?
    Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything!
    (beat)
    Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
    Kramer: Do you?
    Jerry: No, I don't.
    Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
  • "The Checks", George calls Jerry:
    George: (frantic) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
    Jerry: (teasing) Uncle Leo??
    George: JERRY!!!
    (bangs the pay phone against the booth)
    Jerry: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up. (hangs up) Testy.
  • "The Chicken Roaster": A Kenny Rogers restaurant right outside the apartment complex? What could go wrong? Oh, yeah...the sign is insanely bright and beams directly into Kramer's apartment. It drives him crazy(er):
    Jerry: What is going on in there?!
    Kramer: What?
    Jerry: The light!
    Kramer: Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, it's right across my window!
    Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?
    Kramer: (distraught) THEY ARE SHUT!
    • He then storms out of Jerry's apartment, where the hallway is blood red and there's a horrible, constant electric buzzing. Kramer reacts like a vampire who got exposed to direct sunlight.
    • Later, when Jerry becomes Kramer and Kramer becomes Jerry.
    • Newman after trying to pretend he likes broccoli: "Vile weed!"
    • This:
    Kramer: Oh by the way, your friend, Seth, he stopped by.
    Jerry: Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?
    Kramer: Yeah, he was fired.
    • The subplot with George losing Elaine's sable hat, which she needs to prove that it's a business expense. Later, she buys a much cheaper imitation sable hat off the street and is called on it:
    Ipswitch: Ms. Benes, the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.
    Elaine: Well, that's a... kind of sable.
    Ipswitch: No, it's a kind of rat.
    Elaine: ...That's a rat hat??
    Ipswitch: And a poorly-made one, even by rat hat standards.
  • In "The Andrea Doria", Kramer acting like a dog. Also hilarious is Smuckers's cough, which is obviously a human cough sound instead of a dog's.
    • Elaine saying "giant freak head" and "I'm a walkin' candy apple!" is very funny too.
    • Tom Gallop as Alan, the bad breaker-upper, has some great lines as well. "Tough luck, Chinless."
    • George acting bored while his rival for the apartment tells his Andrea Doria story. The series of cuts while George tells of his tragedies. The traumatized looks on the faces of the board members when he's done. Their reaction to his stinger, "Oh, and my fiancee died from licking toxic envelopes...that I picked out." All priceless.
    • Why does Kramer refuse to go to a doctor about his cold?
    Kramer: No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line... Plus, they botched my vasectomy.
    Jerry: (surprised) They botched it?
    Kramer: I'm even more potent now!
    • And:
    Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure (snapping fingers) a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day.
  • The scene in "The Little Jerry" where George and Kramer, who haven't yet been privy to each other's storylines in the episode, both burst into Jerry's apartment ranting about their current problems. Then they look at each other in confusion, and turn to Jerry to explain. He just says "I'm too tired."
    • Even better is when Kramer mentions to Jerry that he bought a chicken. Jerry opens his mouth, only for George to stop him with "Allow me..." and turns to Kramer and asks "Why?"
    • Also the ending where Kramer jumps in the ring and Jerry screams "Kramer!" Elaine screams "Stop the fight!" and George? He holds up a finger and screams "Tamale!" Also, Kramer getting pecked.
  • In "The Money", George is upset because Elaine paid for his coffee:
    George: You see what just happened here?
    Jerry: What?
    George: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
    Jerry: And you misinterpret this how?
    George: She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.
    Jerry: I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.
    George: No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
    Jerry: You're crazy.
    George: Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
    Jerry: George.
    George: STICKIN' IT!
    • In the same episode, everything about Aunt Baby.
    George: If Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?
    Frank: She'd never make it.
  • "The Comeback":
    "Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!"
    "...his wife is in a coma."
    • The whole subplot with Jerry purposefully playing badly at tennis against Milos, who doesn't want his wife to know he's bad at the game.
  • "The Susie": "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a mesaaaaage at the beep..."
  • "The Pothole": Newman's mailtruck bursting into flames as he's driving down the highway.
    Newman: AAAAAHHHH!!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!
  • "The Nap":
    [a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
    George Steinbrenner: "So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?"
    • Before that, we have the one-episode renovation of Jerry's apartment, which offers some great physical comedy as the four try to see each other through the awkwardly-placed cupboards. And George is more angry than usual, partially because of Jerry's demands as the "terrorist", but also because his new setup makes him very uncomfortable.
  • In "The Yada Yada", Kramer accuses Jerry of being an anti-dentite.
    Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools!
    Jerry: They do have their own schools!
    Kramer: AAAAAAAHHH!
    • Jerry goes to confession to tell a priest that Tim Whatley has converted to Judaism to make jokes. When the priest asks him if it offends him as a Jew, he says, "No, it offends me as a comedian!"
    • "I'd punch your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard!" as delivered by Robert Wagner.
  • From "The Millennium", when Jerry and girlfriend-of-the-week Valerie are about to go to the movies:
    Valerie: I don't wanna miss the previews.
    Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theater cut-up. Last week after a preview, I yelled out, "Must MISS!"
    Valerie: I think that I was in that theater. That, that was really funny.
    Jerry: (reflective) Yeah, it got a good laugh.
    • When Kramer stores a bunch of New Year's stuff in Jerry's apartment ("You're not even gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em."). Then Kramer brings over balloons:
    Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled until New Year's!
    Kramer: Those aren't for New Year's; those are my everyday balloons.
  • From "The Muffin Tops":
    Rebecca: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.
    Elaine: Oh, hi.
    Rebecca: Are you the ones leaving the muffin pieces behind our shelter?
    Elaine: You been enjoying them?
    Rebecca: They're just stumps.
    Elaine: Well they're perfectly edible.
    Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?
    Mr. Lippman: No no, we just thought...
    Rebecca: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're *lucky* to get the stumps!
    Elaine: If the homeless don't like them the stumps, they don't have to eat them.
    Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
    Elaine: Fine.
    Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
    Elaine: We were just trying to help.
    Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?!
    Elaine: (insulted) I think I might!
    • When Kramer agrees to haul Elaine's muffin stumps to the dump:
    Kramer: Do they mind sitting in the back?
    Elaine: No they don't.
    Kramer: Are they war veterans?
    (Elaine looks at him, confused)

    Season 9 
  • "The Butter Shave": George riding a motorized stair-ascender to the tune of Sheena Easton's "Morning Train".
    • George's rant on the handicapped:
    George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees: No arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.
    Jerry: He drove a car with NO ARMS??
    • When Kramer first starts shaving with butter:
    Kramer: Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (rubs a butter stick on his face) I mean you're just being totally ridiculous. I'll see ya later, buddy. (almost makes it out of the apartment, until...)
    Jerry: Wait wait wait wait a minute. (Kramer comes back in) Do I have to ask?!
    Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy??
    Jerry: (grabs his arm) Why are you buttering your face?
    Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
    Jerry: (dumbfounded) Oh Moses, smell the roses.
  • "The Serenity Now", pretty much all of it. But in particular, George's aggressive sales tactics:
    George: You want to sell computers? I will show youuuuu how to sell computers! (gets on the phone) HELLO, MR. FARNEMAN? YOU WANNA BUY A COMPUTER? NO?! WHY NOT?!?! (...) I SEE, GOOD ANSWER. THANK YOU.
    • Jerry faking anger at Monk's:
    Jerry: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!
    Patty: ...I think they have 1% over there.
    Jerry: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
    Patty: Okay Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
    Jerry: You're damn right you're not buying it!
  • "The Blood", when Kramer asks Jerry to shave his neck.
    Jerry: I'm not touching that thing.
    Kramer: Well, I have to say, I'm very surprised AND disappointed, "blood brother".
    Jerry: Oh no.
    Kramer: What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse... "hey buddy, hey buddy, hey buddy".
    Jerry: Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
    Kramer: So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too? Because I'll give it to you! I'll rrrrrrip it out right here and smack it on the table!
    Jerry: (relents) All right, I'll do it, sit down.
    Kramer: Oh no no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch ya tonight. We'll do an "all over" kind of thing.
    • Later, Kramer takes advantage of this:
    Kramer: Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?
    Jerry: Why here?
    Kramer: Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.
    Jerry: (reluctantly) Okay...
    Kramer: Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom? 'Cause your bed is really nice.
    Jerry: (wearily) Fine...
    Kramer: (towards hallway) Okay!
    (Newman runs in carrying popcorn)
    Jerry: No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!
    Kramer: Blood!
    Jerry: ...All right.
    (Newman makes some kind of grunt/sniff noise, sort of like an excited dog, and bolts into Jerry's bedroom)
  • "The Junk Mail" has plenty:
    • When Kramer goes to cancel his mail permanently:
    Newman: Of course nobody needs mail. What, do you think you're so clever figuring that one out?! (gravely) But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.
    Supervisor: Is everything all right here, Postal Employee Newman?
    Newman: Yes sir, I believe everything is all squared away, isn't it, Mr. Kramer?
    Kramer: Oh yeah, as long as I stop getting MAIL!!!
    (Newman squirms and smiles nervously as his supervisor eyes him suspiciously)
    • Kramer's protest against the USPS:
    Old lady: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
    Kramer: It's to symbolize that we're blind to their tyranny.
    Old lady: Then, shouldn't you be wearing the bucket??
    Kramer: Yeah, move along, Betty.
    • Kramer buys Jerry's used van for Anthony Quinn's undershirt.
    Kramer: I thought we had a deal with Quinn's T-shirt.
    Jerry: (incredulously) Are you insane??
    • When George is in Jerry's van, "Fragile" Frankie Merman sees it:
    Frankie: Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van!
    George: I think he's saying "Son of Sam", oh my God! (bolts out the back door) I KNEW IT WASN'T BERKOWITZ!!!
  • "The Merv Griffin Show", Peterman is driven crazy by Tic-Tacs heard around the office:
    Peterman: THAT'S THE NOISE! That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days, and I could not find the source! In my office, in the hallway, even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
    Elaine: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
    Peterman: That reminds me of the Haitian voodoo rattle torture. You haven't gone over to their side, have you?
    Elaine: (humoring him) No, Mr. Peterman.
    Peterman: Because if I hear one more rattle, just one, you're out on your can. (Beat) And if you are undead, I'll find out about that, too.
  • "The Slicer": Jerry complains that he feels worthless because Dr. Sitarides kept gushing about how good it feels to save someone's life. When George discovers she's a dermatologist, he thinks she's a phony and encourages Jerry to take her on a second date just to tell her off. This leads to Jerry taking Dr. Sitarides out to a fancy restaurant only to tell her: "It must take a really big... ZIT... to kill a man! You call yourself "life saver"? I call you "Pimple Popper M.D.!" But a guy comes up to her and thanks her for saving her life, bringing up his skin cancer.
    Jerry: (later...) Then I found out about the skin cancer.
    George: (fascinated) Oh, so it backfired. So I guess I was lucky I never tried it myself.
    Elaine: Of course she treats cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do.
    Jerry: Sadly, that information could have helped me.
  • "The Apology": Kramer calls up Puddy to help him install a garbage disposal in his shower.
    Puddy: (Answers phone) This is Puddy.
    Kramer: Yeah, is David Puddy there?
    Puddy: This is Puddy.
    Kramer: This is Kramer.
    Puddy: I know.
  • "The Strike": "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
    • Kramer on strike:
    Kramer: You're siding with management?
    Elaine: No, I just-
    Kramer: (pointing) SCAB!!! SCAB!!! SCAB!!! SCAB!!!
    • The scene where George is called out for faking The Human Fund is gold:
    Krueger: George, we got a problem. There's a memo here from accounting, telling me there's no such thing as The Human Fund.
    George: (realizing he's caught, is sheepish) Well... there could be...
    Krueger: But, there isn't. (taps memo)
    George: (nervous) Well, I, I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here.
    Krueger: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake! You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
    George: Well, sir, I, I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
    Krueger: "Venomous"?
    George: Festivus, sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, sir!
    Krueger: Are you making all this up, too?
    George: Oh no, sir, Festivus is all too real, and I can prove it, if I have to.
    Krueger: ...Yeah, you probably should.
  • In "The Cartoon", the running gag of Kramer bringing up that George's latest girlfriend looks exactly like Jerry, to the point where it causes George to get extremely uncomfortable. Also, Kramer telling Sally Weaver to quit acting:
    Kramer: Why don't you just give up??
    Jerry: (hinting) Kramer...
    Kramer: I mean, that's what Jerry says. Now face it: If it hasn't happened, it's not gonna happen. (claps) Okay. We're gonna go get some coffee. Join us?
  • In "The Wizard", Jerry gives Helen and Morty a Wizard organizer, but Morty just wants to use it to calculate restaurant tips ("It does OTHER THINGS!"). And he can't even get it open without Jerry's help.
    Helen: (clapping) Yaaaay, Jerry got it open!
    (Jerry sports a "You've gotta be kidding me" look on his face)
    • A bit later in the scene, Morty gets an idea, and approaches Kramer. When Kramer notices, he says, "Hey Morty, what are you looking at?" and roughly taps Morty's glasses in an amusing manner.
  • In "The Burning":
    Kramer: Well, I got gonorrhea.
    Elaine: That sounds about right.
    • When Jerry mentions that his latest girlfriend has a "tractor story":
    George: Whoa, back it up, back it up. Beep beep beep. Tractor story?
    Jerry: (baffled) "Beep beep beep"?? What are you doing?
    (George is unsure himself)
  • From "The Bookstore": The homeless guy stealing the rickshaw.
    Homeless guy: Did I get the job?
    Kramer: (sarcastic) Yeah yeah, we'll get back to ya.
    George: I'm just evening the score.
    Jerry: You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back, and to you, that's even.
    George: ...I'm goin' in.
    • Then Jerry purposefully rats him out:
    Jerry: THAT GUY! SWARM! SWARM! (bookstore police grab George)
    George: NO! NO! JERRY!!!
  • The ending of "The Frogger":
    Mr. Peterman: "Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item (expensive cake) still... with you?"
    Elaine: "Umm, as far as I know."
    Mr. Peterman: "Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement?
    Elaine: "Uhh, I guess I hadn't..."
    Mr. Peterman: "Well, I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed!"
  • In "The Maid", Elaine finds her new apartment was previously owned by an old lady whose grandson called frequently. When she died, the parents never told the child, who now was calling Elaine. She tries to make him stop by faking 'Gammy's' death over the phone...only for the kid to call 911. Cue a fireman busting down Elaine's door:
    Fireman: Hang on, gammy! You're gonna make it!
    (Elaine screams)
  • "The Puerto Rican Day", George trying to outwit the laser pen guy by wearing sunglasses. It backfires when Jerry offers a theory:
    Jerry: What if it gets in the side?
    George: The side?
    Jerry: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-
    (a freaked out George rips the glasses off)
    George: ALL RIGHT!


The Secret World of Alex MackFunny/Live-Action TVSesame Street

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