Funny: Schindler's List

  • When Schindler's starting up his factory, he decides he needs a secretary. As he holds 'auditions' for the position, each woman he reviews is beautiful but can't type worth anything; these are the women that get his attention. Of course, there's one that can type super-fast, but Schindler's too busy averting his eyes from her appearance to notice. When Stern confronts him about making a decision, he decides he can't ("They're all so... qualified.") and hires them all.
  • At one point, Stern is put on a train bound for the concentration camps after leaving his work permit at home. Schindler goes to the station looking for him, but runs into two uncooperative SS officers. He takes down their names, spells his own for them, and nonchalantly says, "Gentlemen, thank you very much. I think I can guarantee you, you'll both be in Southern Russia before the end of the month." Cue their Oh Crap! faces - they know just how brutal the fighting is between the Soviets and Germans down there. They quickly join Schindler in calling for Stern and get him off the train just before it pulls out.
  • When the Jews, mayor included, are evicted, Schindler moves into the mayor's house. Schindler clearly enjoys it. The mayor, on the other hand, is raging at how bad the conditions are, and screaming about how it couldn't possibly be worse, when twelve other people walk into the room. Looks like he has to share!
    Schindler: It couldn't be better.
    Cut to the ghetto
    Mrs. Nussbaum: It could be worse...
    Mr. Nussbaum: [...] How could it possibly be worse?!
    Twelve other Jews walk into the room, saying greetings
  • Stern's deadpan response when Schindler asks if there's any reason to be worried about the factory's future.
    Stern: The war could end.
  • Schindler giving a toast to Stern and his good work, and Stern just sitting there with drink in hand and a confused face. Then Schindler asking him to at least pretend to be overjoyed. And when even that doesn't get a response, Schindler just downs both drinks himself.
  • A Bilingual Bonus. After Oscar kissed a Jewish woman on his birthday party, the orchestra, which was silently watched in disbelief, promptly starts to play "To ostatnia niedziela". The lines goes as "This is the last Sunday,| Today we part,| Today we will move apart| On the eternal time."
  • Some Black Comedy occurs when Göth tries executing one of Schindler's workers...only for his Luger to jam on him.note  He produces a Browning pistol instead...and it too jams on him. After several fruitless attempts to shoot the guy, he just Pistol Whips him and leaves.
  • Morbid and serious as it is, its hard not to chuckle a little when a Jewish boy in the Plaszow camp, savvy on where the Nazis are really taking the kids, tries to find a hiding place. He keeps running into other kids who have already claimed the spots.
  • A meta one, but when the Spielberg noticed that everyone was becoming depressed working on such a sad picture, he called up a comedian friend of his to tell jokes over the phone to cheer everyone back up. That friend? Robin Williams.
  • This exchange between Schindler and Stern as they draw up the list:
    Stern: How many cigarettes have you smoked tonight?
    Schindler: Too many.
    Stern: (coughing) For every one you smoke, I smoke half!
  • Schindler's response to Stern's news that the Brinnlitz factory is turning out unusable artillery shells:
    Schindler: Stern, if this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I'll be very unhappy.
    • By this point in the war, the real Schindler had made up his mind to hinder the German military as much as possible. His factory produced almost no usable munitions of its own, and he bought shells from other companies and resold them as his own to keep the army happy. There were rumors that he even mis-calibrated the machines so that they would produce nothing but junk.