Funny: Sam & Max: Freelance Police aka: Sam And Max
You crack me up, little buddy.
Sam and Max comics
All the Sam & Max comics are funny, but the one-page Our Bewildering Universe has some of the best:
Sam:Try imagining how far the universe extends! Keep thinking about it until you go insane.
Title: Max's World of Discovery
Max:Here's an experiment you can do! Leave a bag of bread on top of the refrigerator for a long time. It will eventually turn grey and taste bad. Now throw it into the street.
Title: Baffling Animal Wonders
Sam: (pointing at a tapir) Look at that. Isn't it ridiculous? Maybe it will leave if we all laugh at it.
During their trip to the Philippines in which the duo finds themselves standing in front of several bizarrely designed buildings.
Sam: Well here we are in the Philippines.
Max: Drawn without reference material apparently.
In the same issue cultist are preparing to sacrifice Max to a volcano god. As the head cultist prepares to drive the ceremonial dagger through Max's heart, Max is saved at the last second by the cultist suffering from spontaneous combustion.
The rampant Nightmare Fuel on display in "Beast From the Cereal Aisle" is neutralized by one of the funniest lines in Sam and Max history
During the road trip in Sam and Max on the Road, Sam tells Max a ghost story about a vengeful spirit who roams the highway looking for victims to tear apart. Immediately after the story ends, Max sees a seven-foot apparition of evil which fits the description of the story. As Max panics the creature jumps on the hood of the DeSoto and begins strangling Max. Then Sam wakes Max up revealing most of it to be a nightmare as Sam comments:
Sam: You're missing all the fun. A seven-foot tall specter of evil appeared in front of the car, so I ran it over. Sounded like a bag of laundry going under. Hope I didn't hurt the tires.
In The Big Sleep, Max throws the villain out the window of a hospital. When he looks out the window hoping to see his questionable mortal soul, among other things, dripping out the back of his skull, Max realized the room they were in was on the ground floor.
Sam kicking Count Orlok in the face in the Halloween special.
Fizzball! It's like baseball, sort of, except without the bases or balls, and more cases of warm beer cans and flying shrapnel. Here are some crazy people actually playing a brief round of it.
Sam: That one guy is wearing a helmet, Max.
Max: Pansy! Let me bite him in the face!
Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.
Sam and Max: Freelance Police cartoon
From the first episode:
Sam: Gee, I don't know anybody who could firebomb kittens... Max: Here, let me!
Upon entering a deserted town by a swamp
Sam: Curious. What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation of the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?
Max: CANNIBALISM! I VOTE CANNIBALISM!
From Dysfunction of the Gods, when Zeus towers over Sam and Max, demanding to know who they are. Max pulls a cord in his belly, inflating himself to giant size and bellowing in a helium voice:
Max: WE ARE SAM AND MAX! CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE! TORMENTORS OF ROMAN-FEATURED, BEARDED GUYS IN LOOSE-FITTING JAMMIES!!
From Christmas, Bloody Christmas
Sam: The prison showers. If these walls could talk...
Max: *shudders* They best keep their mouths shut.
The Vice Squad short (dedicated entirely to crushing stuff in dad's vice).
Max: But remember kids, safety first. Always make sure to wear dad's protective eyewear. *puts on safety goggles*
Sam: Hey! What's this? *pulls out a mine with the label "WW2 Surplus! Do NOT crush in vice!"*
Max: I can't read a darn thing with these goggles on. Oh well.
(Max then proceeds to put the mine in the vice and then it explodes)
This gem from Big Trouble at the Earth's Core
Sam: (after finding out the Earth's core temperature is near explosion levels) DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?!
Max: NO! BUT LET ME GUESS!
This episode opener.
Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentified substance, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.
Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct oooor nesting hamsters!
Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws you!
From Max's Big Day, Max is handed a Sam suit and blames himself for getting Sam killed. Then the suit speaks...
Sam: I'm fine, knucklehead. Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsable skull to fit through near-impossible spaces, I have called upon a like ability to collapse all my bones and bulky organs, in order to dupe these uncultured puppies into thinking they've rolled and pressed me into this unsettling garment. Ha ha ha, neat, huh?
[Naturally, you try picking up the item again; this time, Sam lets out a choked gasp of horror, and starts crying again.]
Max: Just ignore them, Sam. Maybe they'll go away.
If you have subtitles on, when Max says "pick up that silly object", the subtitles show up as "pick up item #(bunch of numbers)". Also, if you try this during the brief point in the game when Sam and Max are separated, Sam finally says "Look, don't make me come out there!" instead of sobbing, and if you click on the item again, he growls menacingly.
Flint Paper throws a guy through his door window, which is followed by a hail of bullets that make a smiley face, which is then followed by Max pushing said victim off the banister his chin was caught on.
Max: Gratuitous acts of senseless violence are my forte!
Sam: You're such an adorable urchin, Max.
The bomb exchange after the opening credits:
Sam: Where should I put this so it won't harm anyone we know or care about? Max: Out the window Sam! There's nobody but strangers out there! (Sam obediently lobs the bomb out the window, whereupon it explodes.) Sam: I hope there was nobody on that bus. Max: Nobody we know, at least.
In the whack-a-rat game at the carnival, you can hit Max instead of the rats.
After Sam and Max finally retrieve the tooth of a T-Rex (long story):
Sam: We finally got the tooth. Max: The whole tooth? Sam: Nothing but.
Sam and Max: Freelance Police video game series
Episode 101: Culture Shock
When investigating Sybil's "Relax" sign:
Sam: That's got to be the least relaxing sign I ever seen.
If you talk to the guy at the front door about the mole thing.
Sam: I hear you have a mole problem?
Loveybear: Hey! It's a genetic condition! You should have seen my father's back!
Sam: Holy cow, I'm actually being too subtle.
Max: First time that's ever happened.
Max's overly-dramatic fake death during the Shoot Your Mate scene. "O, death, where is that guy Sting?"
Episode 104: Abe Lincoln Must Die
The very first scene, where they use the bug for a Crank Call.
Bug: I. Am. Reborn. I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!
(Max giggles like a schoolgirl)
Sam: You know Max, sneaking the bug into that exorcism was an uncharacteristic stroke of genius.
Max: Demonic possession is the gift that keeps on giving.
Even better when you use the same bug recording while calling Meesta Pizza:
Max: So what did they say?
Sam: The toppings cost extra, and they're all out of entrails.
For even bigger laughs, use the bug when phoning the White House but before recording over the demonic possession speech.
Bug: I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!
Agent Superball: I asked you not to call me at work, dear.
"SAM DID IT!"
Max's election speeches, especially this one:
Max: This election reminds me of a droll story. It seems Chester A. Arthur and the Pope were kayaking down the Amazon one day. Suddenly a tiny Candiru fish swims up the Pope's (censored) and lodges itself in his (censored). Arthur grabs the Pope's (censored) pliers and (censored) swelled up like a melon. And the Pope says, "Thanks! Last time that happened, McKinley wanted to (censored three times)!" (beat) No wait! Wait! Wait, I think I told it wrong.
During talks between the POTUS and Governor Whizzer, you can take the chance to offer him a soda. Due to his... bladder issues, he needs the bathroom. You can say that he wants to see Lincoln's bedroom. You can see where this is going... Max's comment?
Max: Sam, did you just make an innocent person defile one of the most famous rooms in U.S history? Whizzer dashes back, relieved. Sam: Apparently, I just did.
Bosco: Everyone on the internet has to pick an avatar. Like a dwarf or orc or a hot young 15 year old girl curious about the adult world and willing to experiment.
Max: I didn't think it was possible, but he was actually less creepy as the elf.
Speaking of Bosco's half-elf avatar, that one is pretty hilarious too. Or better, try hitting him with the sword when you have the wooden sword from him.
Episode 106: Bright Side of the Moon
Bosco has spent the season dressing up unconvincingly as various nationalities. Then, when you meet him in this episode:
Sam: Hey Bosc- Oh dear God.
Bosco:(dressed as his mother) Haven't I told you boys not to track mud in the store?
When you start asking the "Do you have any..." gag that was present in all the other episodes, Bosco starts revealing that he has things that would have instantly solved the conflicts from previous episodes in stock. Watching Max just freak out that instead of going through typical adventure game monotony, they could've just bought the stuff they needed, is priceless.
And after Sam has asked for all previous episodes' objects, he asks for the one you need now, which is Hugh Bliss tied up behind him... which Bosco doesn't have.
Sam: Knowing you, Bosco, it's entirely reasonable, but how much for the earthquake maker?
Bosco:(without his falsetto) One hundred trillion dollars.
And they actually end up paying it.
Even better is Bosco being very Genre Savvy in the matter, stating that "Look, all I know is, I keep making up the most ridiculous price I can think of, and you keep payin' it! So I ask you, who's the foo'?"
When they meet Bosco for the first time in Season 2 and they react like they saw the worst Bosco disguise EVER.
Max: Claw out my eyes Sam! I can't stand to look at it!
Sam: Not if I claw out my own eyes first, little buddy.
Bosco: I'M NOT WEARING A DISGUISE.
Bosco's paranoia about the package that was delivered to him.
Bosco: Does my package sound like it's ticking to you?
Max: Not your best pick up line.
Bosco: I think my package is the bomb!
Max: Now THAT'S a pick up line!
Max's line the first time he and Sam go down the chimney of Santa's workshop.
Max: Ho! Ho! Ho..hhh My GOD I'M ON FIRE!!
Sam and Max are forced by the Spirit of Christmas Past to atone for stealing Jimmy's boxing glove in the previous season. The only way to return the glove to him in the past is to steal it from him in the present, creating a confusing Stable Time Loop. This completely fails to solve any of the problems you've caused him, except for his wife leaving him - because Sam kidnapped her in the past to get him in a position to take the glove from him in the present. And yet the Spirit still considers the debt repaid!
The Friendly Demon Song. Particularly some of the alternate lyrics you can have Sam sing.
Sam: Do you guys know anything about Easter Island? Curt: Accessing, ellipsis, Easter Island was founded in 1914 by former members of the 80s progressive rock band Asia. Bob: Located off the southwest coast of your mom, the island is considered by many to be the birthplace of television personality Ryan Seacrest, as well as American jazz music! Sam: I see you guys are still doing all your research on the Internet. Bluster Blaster:INFORMATION WANTS TO BE WRONG!
The various ways you can annoy the sunken Moai head.
The duo go back in time to collect the record contract Sam obtained in "Situation: Comedy". Past Sam & Max steal the elevator, forcing the present duo to take The Slow Path:
Max: You... JERKS!
Sam: You made us go through the last year and a half all over again!
When Sam is trying to convince his preteen self to be more out-going, young Sam insults his weight. Present Sam then pulls out his gun, only stopping when the time elevator AI brings up that he's about to cause a paradox.
When you need to bring Mr. Featherly from the beginning of the universe to one of the Mariachis, Sam literally shoves him into his jacket (to his protests), takes him out when he needs to, shoves him back in, and continues to keep him in his inventory for the entire rest of the game.
Episode 205: What's New Beelzebub?
When Sam tries to mess around in Hugh Bliss' cubicle to sole a puzzle:
Sam: Distract Hugh Bliss for me!"
Max: Oh dear, I seem to be completely naked. I hope I don't have to bend over provocatively and-
Sam: That's enough Max.
The bachelor party:
Flint Paper: Hey guys! you're just in time for the stripper!
The reveal of the Soda Poppers as the villains in Season 2 has them demonstrating their new demonic powers to Sam & Max. Each Popper has a power related to his shtick. After a demonstration of Specs and Peepers more mundane powers, Whizzer goes last, enthusiastically telling the heroes that his power is, "It burns when I pee!" and then proceeding to drop his fly and then fire a literal stream of flaming urine at them!
Harry Moleman talking about how it's kind of tiring having to do his entire job as Death alone, and commenting about how having an assistant or a partner would make things a lot easier.
Sam: (look at Max, then back at Harry) Yeah, that's what you'd think, at first.
Peepers seducing Sybil. No description or series of quotes can do this sequence justice.
Try talking to one of the molemen before you're allowed into hell. (Paraphrasing)
Sam: Excuse me, could you tell us where-
Moleman: Holy schklamoley! Do you know how to full out a suit!
Sam: (Annoyed, he adjusts his tie) ...Well, I never!
Sam and Max escape from a lava filled pit using Santa's sleigh as shown in a previous episode. The escape literally causes hell to freeze over. Immediately after, for the first time Sam lets Max answer the phone, and Max wins the nobel peace price, and becomes the conductor of Sybil's wedding.
Episode 301: The Penal Zone
Using the wedding ring with Max.
As Sam speaks to the commissioner over the phone:
Sam: What's that? (commissioner speaks) A sudden wave of lawfulness and goodwill spreading throughout the city? (commissioner speaks again) No, we didn't have anything to do with that.
And when using your gun on Skun'kape's guards.
Sam: Hey monkey, I'll give you this cool gun if you let us through.
Momma Bosco: But I gotta get my body back. I miss touching things. Max: Yeah! Touching is my third favorite thing to do to things. [long pause as both Sam and Momma Bosco look at Max with slightly disturbed expressions] Max: In case you were curious, second is licking.
The cutscene when Max learns to use the teleport power for the first time.
After looking in Jurgen's closet and in Kringle's chest, you can pretend to be a member of the brotherhood of Yog-Soggoth to Jurgen. The conversation that ensues covers cult rituals, tenor singing and bocce.
Episode 303: They Stole Max's Brain
Max trying to bargain with General Skun-ka'pe to spare Sam:
Max: Could you not kill Sam. He's my designated driver when I'm in the sauce like this.
Skun-ka'pe: Oh, my minions are under strict orders not to kill him.
Max: That's a relief.
Skun-ka'pe: They are to bring him, beaten and bloodied, to my feet so he can see my ascension to ruler of the galaxy!
Max: Just as long as he can still drive.
Pretty dang near anything involving Noir!Sam. The cold-hearted grimness and unmitigated fury ensure everything gets more melodramatic than it ought to, and since the world of Sam and Max is naturally silly...
Tourist: So I left, empty-handed and ippelskippered...
Tourist: Ippelskipper! It's a word us Europeans use to describe a blend of confusion and distress much like I was experiencing! Honestly, what do they teach you Americans in school?
Sam: VIDEO POKER!
Abuse of the 'Noir' option is heartily recommended.
Sam: Sometimes it feels like the whole world's after me, and someone's tied my shoelaces together with regrets and betrayals.
Minion: ...yeah, um, that's pretty sad. So anyway...
Minion: As they left, the general dropped this!
Sam: I dropped something once. I think it was my innocence. Then I dropped my compassion. Now I just drop punks.
Minion: ...Was that supposed to be dark? It doesn't even make sense.
Sam: Sue me.
"You have a very depressing worldview."
Episode 304: Beyond the Alley of the Dolls
During the seance:
Harry: Uncle Morty? Is that really you? Your voice sounds funny.
Max, Impersonating Morty: I'VE GOT A COLD.
Harry: In Heaven?!
"Morty": And WHO said I was in HEAVEN?!
Harry: Uncle Morty, if that's really you, then tell me the secret you took to your grave!
"Morty": Harry...my stamp collection is hidden...
"Morty": In the attic...
"Morty": OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! (Lightning crashes)
When you head into the Museum of Mostly Natural History, Papierwaite's office is locked. Obviously you have to solve a puzzle to get through, but you can also just knock on the door. Quite a few times. With Sam giving different responses each time.
Papierwaite:Who is it?!
Sam: It's the vindow viper! I've come to vipe your vindows!
Sam: The restless spirit of Ed McMahon, standing here with a giant novelty check!
The Reveal was funny in its own way. As Sam goes for the door, the action freezes and the scene transits to the Narrator, who begins to recap the mystery of who the true Big Bad is. As he's doing this, a door suddenly opens in the background, revealing Sam coming into the room.
Narrator: Do you mind? I'm right in the middle of... oh, now you've ruined it.
What makes this even better was that it was supposed to be Voltron based. The developers wanted to do an 'anime' pose (anime being used loosely) and one mentioned Sailor Moon. This somehow got heard by another employee and thus they decided to Throw It In.
Narrator: Oh, very well. I suppose you've forced me to come clean. Sam, I am actually an agent of a much higher power, appearing only to you and Max, to guide you in times of crisis. I believe you mortals would refer to me...as an angel.
Narrator: Of course not! That would be stupid! I am the manifestation of the superego of a psychic rabbit detective mutated into a gigantic beast by a toybox filled with powerful toys from another dimension! Sometimes, the simplest answer is the correct one.