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Sailor Moon Abridged
From Episode 1:
Serena: (At Molly's mom's jewelry store) "Hey, where the pretzels at?"
From Episode 2:
Serena: "Those pricks didn't read my letter! I'm gonna go there and complain!"
Luna: "Their address is listed in this newspaper."
Serena: "YOU CAN READ?!?"
Luna: "Serena, if I can talk of course I can read!"
From Episode 3:
Serena orgasming over creme-filled donuts.
Jedite acknowledging that he should have hid the energy draining pods in his workout scheme.
The Brick Joke of the fat girl still stuck on the treadmill after everything that happened.
This moment in episode 4:
Serena: Excuse me, Mr. Chair? If you see Luna, can you please tell her that I need her help? Off-screen voice: Sure thing, Sailor Moon. Serena: Thanks.
From Episode 5:
A Call Back to a gag from Episode 2:
Serena: Wow, Luna, you know how to use a computer?!
Luna: Serena, if I can talk and I can read, then of course... Oh, forget it.
Two moments from the episode 7 bloopers:
: No, Serena! Go back into your coma, forever!
Amy: Jesus, please bring my friends back!
Off-screen voice: No.
From episode 7: The usage of the theme song to whenever the girl-snatching Temple Bus appeared, especially when the sight of the bus approaching to the accompaniment of the song caused Serena to go ballistic.
The Magic School Bus EVERYTHING Raye says. But especially...
(In the middle of a theme park,
No Indoor Voice
as usual) I LOVE THE SCREAMS OF CHILDREN!
This entire scene after Raye wins the tickets.
Serena: "C'moooon, Raye! You got two tickets! Who better to take along than me?"
Raye: "NO! NO! NO! A MILLION TIMES NO!"
Serena: "Who you gonna take?"
Raye: "NO ONE, THAT'S THE POINT! IT WILL BE LONELY AND DESPERATE AND IT WILL BE WONDERFUL!"
Serena: "But what if the Negaverse attacks the boat?"
Raye: "THEN I GUESS I'LL JUST BE A BITCH AND TAKE AMY! IT MAKES ME EVIL AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME!"
Amy: "Hey everyone... What's going-"
Raye: "AMY! COME! JOIN THE DARK SIDE!"
Luna: "This is better than my soaps."
Serena: "Don't come crying to me when you crash into an iceberg!"
Raye: "I HOPE WE DO! THE ICY WATER OF DEATH WILL BE MY SANCTUARY!"
From the Episode 9 Bloopers:
Titus: "Aren't you going to congratulatemeshlebabla YOUR PENIS?
That's in the real episode as well, but done in a more subtle fashion that is just as funny.
Episode 11, Raye's plot to make Darien love her:
Darien: Oh, Raye! Thank you for bumping into me like that! I'm suddenly filled with the desire to torture small animals and feed on their blood.
Raye: Oh, let's do it together.
Raye: God if that'd happen, I would just die. Oh. Oh, that sounds good. This is becoming a better idea every second!
From Episide 13/14:
From episode 15/16:
Amy: Talk to me, Raye. You haven't said anything since I came over.
Amy: Oh. Oh my God, you sure do! My eardrums are still intact!
Raye: Sorry, Amy. Jesus must be on my side today.
Raye: I...I don't know! I'm so ill! Amy, make me better! Please!
Amy: Hang in there! We'll get you help.
Serena: Don't cut corners, kids!
Luna: You should talk.
Serena: Shut up, you insensitive bitch, I have a learning disability!
The Bloopers for Episode 17
From Episode 18:
Door Guy: Excuse me miss, do you have an invitation?
How dare you ask for an invitation from me! I'll have you know that I'm the star of Megami33's Sailor Moon Abridged! You know, the only good one on
From Episode 19:
Zoicite's full laughter. It's contageous!
Molly's mom's limited vocabulary.
Molly's mom: Molly, what are you doing?
Molly: (after stealing a crystal) Mama!
Molly's mom: Molly, what are you doing?
Molly: I'm sorry, mama!"
Molly's mom: ...Molly, what are you doing?
Amy: Raye, why were we missing for most of this episode?
Raye: BECAUSE WE WAS SMOKING CRACK COCAINE, BITCH!
The episode 19 bloopers, full stop.
Eric's screw ups come to the fore here. Lampshaded before a difficult line by Megami.
Megami: He's never gonna get this.
(Megami leaves the room)
(muffled) He's not gonna get it!
From Episode 20
Nephlyte: "Molly, Maxwell isn't my real name. It's actually... Batman!"
From Episode 21
"C'mon, Luna, let's take a shortcut through Bad Guy Street!"
Luna: "Lita! Take this stick and do what I say!"
"I've heard that line before.."
: "I am Game Machine Man!" *manifests hammer* "Time to play... WHACK-A-BITCH!"
From Episode 22:
Tuxedo Mask: Show me your face!
Princess Serenity: No!
Tuxedo Mask: Then show me your boobs!
Princess Serenity: Maybe later...
Tuxedo Mask: Now, please?
Princess Serenity: Oh, okay.
And the one after it.
Melvin: So whatever happened to that Maxfield Stanton guy?
:Serena: Shut up Melvin.
Melvin: It's like he died or something!
:Serena: Shut up Melvin!
Melvin: Sorry, sheesh! Hey, wanna here a joke?
Melvin: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Melvin: Your boyfriend's dead! Mwaaaaaaaa!
Amy, Lita, and Raye's internal monologues while Luna is explaining the pride crystals:
Amy: "Oh, I don't care about any of this. No matter how smart I am I'm still the most useless warrior..."
Lita: "Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that we take orders from a talking cat?"
Raye: "OH GOD SHE'S SO BORING!!! IT MAKES ME WANT TO CLAW AT MY FACE JUST SO I KNOW I'M STILL ALIVE!!"
And later on, when Serena is looking for Molly (who's being confronted by Zoicite):
From episode 23:
Sailor Mercury singing "pickpocket" to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle as she snatches Greg's wallet.
The bypassing of Mercury's friendship speech for Greg.
From Episode 24/25
Lita: "I call upon the powers of Zeus himself. Infuse me with your heavenly thunder—which actually lightning, but no one seems to notice! Pikachu!"
The Sailor Says segment at the end:
Serena: "For Lita, finding out Andrew was dating his mom was a huge blow. In fact, life is full of blows! Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow!"
Episode 26/27, when they're about to fight Zoicite and Ami falls over, which causes Lita to look under her skirt.
Lita:' (in a hoarse voice) Damn, I wish I had one of those.
Raye: Yeah, this is my excited face, BITCH.
The Chia Pet ad at the end of episode 28, especially when they promote the "newest Chia Pet, ch-ch-ch-Molly!"
In episode 30 Serena slaps the wounded Darien on the back and notices the blood on her hand.
Serena: Oh look, there's ketchup on my hand. Darien must have had a burger! Yum! (slurp) Wait, this tastes like pennies...
Then she tries to help him by pointing out how serious his wound is.
Darien: Just leave me alone. It's not serious.
Darien: I thought that class was pass or fail.
Serena: Oh. Then maybe that C was an F. I have trouble with the alphabet sometimes.
Darien: How about I tell you a story about my childhood?
Darien: I know.
Episode 31, after Sailor Moon gets knocked unconscious.
Amy: Oh, she's awake! She'll be okay!
Raye: GOD DAMMIT.
Raye takes Get a Hold of Yourself, Man! to extreme levels.
Raye: I DON'T NEED YOU JESUS!
Serena: Ahhhh...! I didn't do anything!
(Slaps Serena again)
Serena: Ow! Why did you-
Raye: MY PIMP HAND IS STRONG!
Or Episode 31's heartwarming ending:
Raye: DON'T WORRY SAILOR MOON, WE'LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Raye: WITH A KNIFE.
Raye: TO STAB YOU.
Serena: I-I get it.
Raye: AND TWIST IT.
Raye: I HATE YOU!!!
Serena: Thanks, Raye!
Sailor Moon: Then why do you want the crystal if you're more powerful than it, anyway?
Queen Beryl: Err.. Er. Err... Um. SILENCE!!!
The Christmas Special.
Mina:On the first day of Christmas, Tuxedo Mask gave to me; this, like, totally awesome bag by Versace. On the second day of Christmas, Tuxedo Mask gave to me-
Serena: What do you mean he gave it to you?! He's my boyfriend, you lying whore!
Serena: This is my song now. On the second day of Christmas, Tuxedo Mask gave to me; ME! Two stupid space cats-
Mina: Uh, he totally didn't give those to you. Like, one of those was mine, anyway.
Serena: Well, then he gave me two giant cakes, Cheetos, and marshmallows and Oreos-
Raye: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE *honk* UP!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANY LONGER!! MY SONG NOW! ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS, TUXEDO GAVE TO ME; THREE GOOD REASONS TO CUT MYSELF, though there was probably more than that, AND A TOTALLY SEXY BAG BY VERSACE. ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, TUXEDO MASK GAVE TO ME; FOUR FAGGY GENERALS-
Raye: ...TWO STUPID SPACE CATS AND A SWEET-ASS PAIR OF HEELS BY VERSACE. ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, TUXEDO MASK GAVE TO ME-
Amy: On the sixth day of Christmas, Tuxedo Mask gave to me-
Raye: SHUT UP, AMY!!!
Sailor Scouts: five seasons of plot holes-
Lita: Four homo generals-
Raye: All of which will die-
Serena: Two giant cakes, and I can't fit in my new dress by Versace.
Lita: On the seventh day of Xmas, tuxedo mask gave to me; seven rainbow prime crystals, yo-
Amy: Six mischances of speaking up,
Serena: Five Krispy Kremes, nom nom nom nom,
And like, oh my God, did you see this
On the eighth day of Christmas, Tuxedo Mask gave to me; eight- I can't count that high-
Artemis: Seven tequila slammers-
Amy: I'm still singing you guys...-
Raye: FIVE SACRIFICIAL PYRES-
Mina: Four totally cute generals, three sailor scouts-
Lita: There's totally four of us-
Amy: Five actualy-
Mina: Coat by Versace. On the ninth day of Christmas, Tuxedo Mask gave to me-
Raye: THIS SONG IS *honk*ING ENDLESS!! JESUS CHRIST, *honk* THIS SHIT!!!
Episode 34's got several; these two in particular stick out IMHO:
(skiers start tripping on small hills)
Skier 1: My ulna!
Skier 2: Your what? Ah, my vulva!
Judgement915: (singing offscreen)
And everybody died!
Mina: Chad and I totally had sex earlier!
Chad: Mina, I told you to keep that a secret.
Mina: Keep what a secret?
(Cut to a shocked Raye)
Serena: Oh God, she's speechless...
The entirety of the -themed Pokémon Musical Episode.
After the break of the two parts
"Who's that Pokemon?"
Sailor Moon: "IT'S PIKACHU!"
[With a picture of Sailor Moon]: "It's Snorlax"
Sailor Moon: "Aw that's mean!"
From the season finale:
Ditzy Monster: Oh my god! You look just like a Human me!
Sailor Venus: Holy *honk*, you're right.
Ditzy Monster: We should totally be be BFFs!
Sailor Venus: Yeah we should but like, I'm totally not digging your hair, bitch. Venus Crescent Beam Smash!
All of the Remix ad, but epically:
: According to this graph, Sailor Moon is more popular than
Cars and Food combined!
Unless we do this,
(combines Cars and Food)
but that's beside the point!
This entire exchange from the movie:
* after Rini produces a toy gun from her Luna Ball*
Raye: "HOLY SH* honk* , THE TODDLER HAS A GUN! A-* honk* ING-MAZING! HEADSHOT!"
* gun fires a tiny suction-cup with a banner attached to it that says "Bang" when it hits Serena*
Raye: "AWWW * honk*, SHE'S OKAY? AWWW!"
Serena: "Okay, someone's gotta tell me who the * honk* this kid is!
Lita: "Serena, you don't remember?"
Mina: "Yeah! You were in, like, a food coma for the past seven years, and this is your daughter, Rini!"
Serena: "WHAT? How the hell did THAT happen?"
Lita: "Well...y'see...when a man and a woman love each other—"
Mina: "They snuggle!"
Mina: "Ew, no, I hate snuggling. I just * honk* 'em and leave."
Venus calling the string of energy that makes up her attack "anal beads"
Fiore: "We will send out the seed of my flowers!"
Sailor Scouts: "Ewwww!"
Fiore: "And we won't stop until the Earth is covered by my seed!"
Sailor Scouts: "Ewwwww!"
Serena: "Oh my God!
Fiore: "The entire earth will die, suffocated by my seed!"
Serena: "Okay, seriously, you need to stop. Sicko."
And of course, Darien in the healing tank.
Darien: Fiore... Where am I? What is this stuff?
Darien: ( horrified mumbling)
Ami: Well, I don't see anything unusual.
Raye: I don't see anything unusual.
Lita: I don't see anything unusual, yo.
And it turns out the reason why The Ditz was speaking so eloquently is because she was tripping balls at the time.
From Episode 46/47:
Lita: Aw, look at the happy dysfunctional couple, yo.
Serena: Stop making fun of me!
: Okay, I'll make fun of Amy instead. You Amy, nice
shirt, dawg. You think your *honk*ing Gi or somethin'?
Mina: No, she's the monkey!
From Episode 48/49: The whole "Oh Bloody Night" song!
Also, the floating tortoise. "I am not real!"
From Episode 50:
A lot of the running gags in the SMA Bloopers are absolutely hilarious.
Person A: *After getting tongue tied on a line.* Hooked On Phonics worked for me.
Person B: Obviously not.