"Never put a blanket over an owl! It's just too hard! You gotta get your hand in..." *mimes awkwardly putting hand in cage* "And the owl might do that." *steps away a foot to the side*
"Unless, of course, you're babysitting an owl and he wants tucking in. 'Can you tuck me in please?' 'No, I went to Ross's owl lecture and he told me never to put a blanket over an owl!' 'But I'm ever so chilly.' 'All right, just this once - but it's breaking all the rules.' How do you even know when you've tucked an owl in?! They haven't got necks, have they? An owl is essentially a one-piece unit! 'It's not high enough!' 'Well, how about...' 'It's still not high enough! Doesn't even cover me owl boobs!' 'Okay, how about here?' 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!' 'Well, I don't know where your neck is!' 'Well, you could have asked!'"
"'Or at least used an owl neck detection device!' It's essentially just a stick with an arrow on it."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU DIRTY OWL BASTARD?! 'I'm giving you the thumbs up!' 'Well, reach around the blanket! 'It's quite hard in these little pyjamas!'"
His explanation as to the correct way to glue meat to your face.
"Help! Help! This child is being bummed in the face!"
The entire story about the can-chasing tramp and the Hare Krishnas.
"Should your house burn down and you lose everything, my advice would be - don't turn to your wife and say: 'This means that technically I'm now sleeping with a homeless woman.'"
His routine about how he used to annoy his wife when they went shopping together ("Fran! Do we need dog food?!") and how she got her revenge.