Funny / Ron White

  • The Tater Salad story.
  • In one skit, he suggests that the Ayatollah be replaced with "that guy they kicked out of The Oak Ridge Boys" and call him "Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow".
  • The whole bit about sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating cheetos is undoubtedly the funniest thing involving Robert Tilton that doesn't include dubbed-in flatulence.
  • The bit about waiting in line for Garth Brooks tickets:
    "I wouldn't camp out for three days if I was (Beat) camping."
  • His explanation for why he doesn't hunt:
    "It's not that I think it's somehow more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death, that's not it. It's just that it's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside, and... I don't wanna fuckin' go."
  • In one skit, he says that he discovered there's a place called Bumfuck, Egypt, "and the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek."
  • Talking about why he wasn't in Blue Collar TV:
    "It's because of my work ethic. My grandfather used to say, 'That boy's got a lot of quit in 'im!' And that's true, too. What I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for shouting "Yeah? Well, FUCK YOU!" I thought I'd won! The other guy was speechless."
  • Ron recounts one time when he was on tour, when his wife called him to complain about their dog pooping on the floor:
    Ron: "Well, shoot him!"
    Wife: "That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic."
    Ron: "Alright, Honey, I'm sorry... Put the dog on the phone, let me talk to him. What the hell do you want ME to do about it?! I'm in Denver!"
  • Talking about his first wife's family:
    "She's not rich at all. Her parents... are looooooad-eeeeed-aaaaah. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts. And I'm waiting for them to diiiiiiiie... And you'll know if they die, too, because you'll never see my fat ass again. I'll be in Palm Beach with all my new friends!"
  • His bit about how amazed he is that women are so blasé about menstruating, when the thought of going through the same thing terrifies him:
    "If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't go 'Oh look, I'm spotting!' FUCK that; I'd be running down the street like my hair was on fire, screaming 'MY BALLS ARE BLEEDING, MY BALLS ARE BLEEDING!!'"