Funny: Rifftrax Shorts And Live Shows
Funny moments from the RiffTrax of short subjects and live Rifftrax shows.
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Aesop's Sound Fables: Frozen Frolics
- "Yes. The can-can barked by dogs. That makes sense. In a window paney, Twin Peaksy kinda way."
- The realization that the two tramp like leads and the... "dogs" pulling their sled are apparently the same species leads Kevin to declare the short set in a "dark world of slave labour". Soon after, when the driver whips the team, Bill suggests he'll be hearing from PETA.
Kevin: Yeah, but since he's sorta an animal himself, we may be in murky territory.Mike: In fact, Bill, PETA may denounce you for harassing him.
- Kevin stealing Bill's "I am the Walrus" joke.
- "Aesop's Fables: Very true to the source materials, so as to avoid angering the online Aesop fanboys."
- After Kevin introduces a seal as... well, Seal, Bill breaks out into a rendition of "Kiss from a Rose" to the tune of the short's soundtrack that the gang at I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue wouldn't scoff at.
- They turn the two leads into a father leading his son on a death march to the North Pole.
Mike: Dad's mourning looks a little too similar to pondering which limb to eat first.
- The moment when the short just stops with no warning.
Bill: Eh? Wha— Hey!
- Bill: Forget playing stickball, Timmy, slap on another coat of FUCHSIA!!!Kevin: Oh yes!
- "This is a planetarium." "IS IT?!" This was one of the riffs that brought the house down at the Manos live show.
- "Bite my shiny cardboard ass!"
- "Why did you give me a fear of heights?!"
- "IS CORN GRASS?" and "IS BAMBOO CORN?" The question is never actually answered.
- At later live shows, you'll find humorous facts shown on the screen before the show. One of them confirms that corn is, in fact, grass.
- The terrified reaction to the clay doll.
Mike: WHAT AM I?!?!
- Kevin running around on stage in a grass headdress and bowing to the kids in the grass masks. Later, he tries to pawn the headdress off to the other riffers. It doesn't work.
- The whole thing is so bizarre and hysterical that it is one of the best shorts they've ever riffed on.
- The entire ending when the riffers give into the madness and start chanting and gibbering to the music
- Right off the, ah, 'bat' they note that Batman drives a perfectly ordinary car in this version:
Mike: "And off we go in the Batmob...wait, what?"Bill: "Yeah, the Batmobile's in the shop, but hey; this loaner four-door Ford gets great mileage. And it's black...actually it's maroon, but-but you can't tell! Loaner away!"
- "I'll just go and see if he's Batman. IN! I'll go see if he's in!"
- On Vicki Vale: "You know, Superman should get a reporter girlfriend whose last name starts with the same letter as her first name."
- When the Wizard, a cloaked, masked villain, is first identified.
Henchman: The Wizard!Bill: They call him that because of his wizard ha... magic wa.... his ski mask, because of his ski mask.
- The Wizard's chilling, evil catch phrase: "Being sorry is stupid!"
- There's a few running gags for the Batman serials, most of which originate with this one:
- A rarely-seen but often-mentioned henchman named Gabe, whom the riffers treat like their favorite character
- The consistent depiction of Gotham City as extremely rural and sparsely populated
- The Wizard not being remotely wizard-like
- Batman's incompetence and flabby physique
- Robin's age, as he appears to be maybe three years younger than Batman
- During the credits.
Bill: (as Batman) Jeez, don't you ever shut up? A Death in the Family can't come soon enough!
- The outrage at the end of the short for the Non-Indicative Title:
Kevin: WHAT PART was "Robin's Wild Ride"?!Bill: THE GENTLE TURN?!
- After his thugs return with the explosive they stole from the train, the Wizard berates them for not getting the "special detonators," which he had not said a word about:
Bill: "Also you could have mentioned that THERE WERE TWO F***ING BOXES!"
- Kevin as Robin:
Kevin: "You know, I'm really starting to regret dropping out of vocational school to become your fake-o son; you make run around wearing embarrassing underpants and I get beat up a lot.Mike: (as Batman) "That's it; I'm selling you to the Penguin."
- Once again, at no point does Robin actually rescue Batman. The crew doesn't fail to notice this.
- The Running Gag about how the narrator says "ruse" at the beginning (he pronounces it as rhyming with "goose" — you'd almost think he'd never seen that word before he was handed the script).note
- Upon seeing the title:
Mike: "The prequel to 'Batman Retires in Shame.'"
- The Wizard's plan to trap Batman reminds Bill of the previous episode "Batman Trapped", and how in said episode Batman never got trapped.
Bill: "Doesn't make much sense, but I'm the Wizard."
- Commissioner Gordon tells Batman about a bad guy who talked in custody
Gordon: He's just named the next location where his Remote Control Gang will strike.Bill: It's the Museum of Lame Gang Names.
- The narration at the end:
Narrator: What sinister use does the Wizard plan to make of the remote control machine?Kevin: Uh, stealing? He's been using it to steal.
- Bill is still not over how unlike a wizard the Wizard is.
(the Wizard enters his secret hideout)Bill: (as the Wizard) Now, time for some sinister, wizardly black magi-or more tinkering with this machine.
- On that note, immediately after the above riff, Mike comes to a startling realization
Mike: Is the Wizard under house arrest, has he ever left this room?
- A lone henchman rigs a trap for Batman. It's a really tiny box that we're supposed to believe houses a bomb (and the "fatal blast" mentioned in the title).
Mike: (as Henchman) Once this spring-loaded jewelry box goes off, there's no way Batman will refuse my proposal!
Mike: Batman and Robin: they can do anything Superman can do... when Superman wears his Kryptonite pants.
- During a fight scene:
- As one of the books is recounting how she got ruined:
Book: It was awful... awful!Bill: Why did you make me talk about this? THIS IS WHY I DRINK!
- After one of the books tries to escape into the box that is being carried out:
Book: There's a book in the box that isn't fixed yet!Kevin: GET HIM!!!!
- As one of the books is talking about how nervous it was being handled by a little girl:
Book: But I was worried.Kevin: (demonic voice) YOU SHOULD BE.
- After one particularly androgynous child is identified as a "she":
Bill: (incredulous) She?
- Pillow: You see, Reggie? We are not happy.Bill: And when we're not happy, people die, Reggie, people die!
- Not long after:
Pillow: "If you don't change your ways…"Kevin: "We'll eat your heart!"
- "Aww, isn't that cute, they expect us to believe Reggie comprehends chess."
Bill: Horace was already bitter from being named "Horace".
- "Reggie strongly believes that rooks are the best-tasting chess piece."
- "No problem, harder checkers!"
- At the end of the short:
Bed: Remember Reggie; don't tell anyone about us.(roughly ten seconds later)Reggie's Dad: (sarcastic/amazed) I think the toys put themselves away and the bed made itself!Mike: I said to keep your mouth shut, you cross-eyed little toad!
- "Record's stuck..."
- "Reggie's a cross between Ralph Wiggum and Milhouse."
- When Reggie puts a ruined book away:
Book: You'd better put me away or I'll snitch on you, you stinker!Bill: I haven't had a book threaten me since Dear Mr. Henshaw said it was going to kill my dog.
Horace: (angrily throwing the football down) I'm going home!Kevin: Finding a dead cat in the Parcheesi box was the last straw!
- The "music" by the Scott Baio Expy.
Bill: This guy could instantly win a "Make Everyone Hate You" competition.Kevin: Lord, this is making me actually miss High School Musical.Mike: You know, because of him, I now hate time itself.
- The moment when Mike, Kevin and Bill's heads exploded at the sheer ingenuity of the calendar.
Narrator: Due to the untimely deaths of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, Rifftrax has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we blame the calendar.
- Bill: CAN'T MY HUGE FEATHER HELP IN ANY WAY?????
- The opening playlet:
Bill: Gah!!!Mike: Wicker Man: The Musical!Kevin: (to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood") Not the bees! Not, not, not the bee-EEE-eees!"
- Repeated speculations that the protagonist has actually been sent to Hell and doesn't realize it.
- Kevin: I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!
- As the rag doll is blowing away some paper with an electric fan:
Kevin: Oh no, my manuscript about a sparkly boy vampire and the dull girl obsessed with him.
- Kevin combining "Angels We Have Heard on High" with "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.
- The running gag involving the tree constantly referring itself as being "small and of no account", to the point that Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep referencing it in the other Xmas shorts that they've riffed.
- "I can't deposit money at the bank. Why? No account."
- The gang's reactions to the clumsy father.
Kevin: Oh, Dagwood!Mike: Is dad a retired Stooge?Bill: Dear god, did he have his spinal cord removed? What the hell's wrong with him?!
- The gang can't decide if one spangly-dressed male performer is "the ugliest woman in the circus" or David Bowie — or both! (This joke is even funnier for those who have seen the video for "Ashes to Ashes".)
- The guy in a zebra costume.
- When the duo suddenly materialize on the screen:
Kevin: No... no.... HARV AND MARV?!Bill: But we killed you! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!
Kevin: (giggling stupidly as Marv) Aneurysms tickle!
- The revelation that Harv and Marv aren't even human:
Marv: I wish I were a real human so I could do that.Harv: A real human? You wouldn't like it!Mike: You're much better of as a... Oh, God, Marv! What the hell are we?!
Kevin: Existential Crisis with Harv and Marv!
- Repeated reference to the many family unfriendly aesops in the short, including "If you don't clean your room, it'll eventually take care of itself" and "Every time you wash, you massacre anthropomorphic talking germs."
- This exchange:
Girl: Maybe that's why my hair itches so much.Mike: No, that's early on-set schizophrenia. There are bugs in your brain and they want out.
- "I harmonize badly!", featuring some Hollywood Tone-Deaf turns from the guys.
- The obviously stoned students being interviewed at various points.
- The ending segment with the church coffeehouse, ending with a bunch of kids filing out of the place while the narrators go on and on about how popular coffeehouses are.
(dark blond kid gets interviewed)Kevin: Mike, is that you?(round-faced goofy girl with glasses and braces gets interviewed)Mike: Kevin, is that you?!(a very familiar looking boy with glasses and receding hairline gets interviewed)Bill: Yes, that's me. Just to save time.Kevin: I wasn't even going to ask.
- Narrator: Cream the butter? Better get the cream!Bill: This narrator seems deeply invested in her failure.Narrator: That's right. Pour it in! The recipe says cream the butter so put in lots of cream!Kevin: That's right. Ruin the cake! Just like every woman I've ever known has RUINED MY LIFE!
- Narrator: To cream butter merely means to work it with an instrument until it becomes soft and smooth.
Bill: Now is that clear or would you like to douse it in cream again, you empty-headed bint?!
- During the jelly demonstration, the narrator mentions the "sheet from the spoon" test, which the guys hear as the "sheep from a spoon test".
Bill: (barely containing his laughter) You'll need an adult sheep!
- Narrator: "Almost all bread and roll recipes call for 'kneading the dough.'"
Bill: "And ever since I discovered the dog-track, I've been 'needing the dough!'" (beat) "Seriously, I think these guys are gonna kill me."
- After another of the Narrator's patronizing explanations
Narrator: To boil is to heat the water until bubbles form.Kevin (as Narrator): Water is a transparent odorless tasteless substance . . .
Mike: "Should someone who doesn't know what 'boil' means even be allowed near an open flame?"
- Just before that:
- "Just don't sit on the DRUG-SNIFFING HAMSTER!" Wheeeeee!
- Rifftrax's new favorite character, Frank!
- "What Frank?"
- The increasingly ridiculous Irish Accents used by the trio
- As racing cars are unloaded from the docks after the narrator notes how only rich countries like Ireland can afford to host racing
- The Running Gag revolving around the mysterious "Irish Sweep" billboards that are repeatedly seen:
Mike: I'm getting a sudden urge for an Irish Sweep, I hope that's not anything dirty.Kevin: EH LOOK AT EM GO!Bill: ALL RIGHT FOR RACING!
- Given that it's another short by the company behind the At Your Fingertips series, the whole short is one.
- "A game is a thing that is a thing!"
- Kevin suddenly singing Friday to the tune of the short's song, much to the other's unease.
- Bill's ad-libbing the song at the end of the short
Bill: (singing) Welcome the chilly embrace of my Death! Slipping off into the voooooiiid...Kevin: (highly disturbed) Wow.Bill: (still singing) Slipping off into the voooooiiid...Kevin: (concerned) Bill? BILL! COME BACK BILL!!!Bill: (still singing) Slipping off into the voooooiiid...Mike: (tearfully) Its too late... we've lost him for good this time!Kevin: NO BILL! OH GOD BILL AAAARRARGGGHH BIIIILLLLLL!!!!!Bill: (still singing) Slipping off into the voooooiiid...
- This bit, with extra points for Bill's painful attempts to keep it in the meter of the song:
Narrator: A circle is a shape you know, and a circle is always roundBill: Except sometimes when a conic section is viewed in a two-dimensional orthographic projection... (Beat) EVERYBODY!!! (music changes key immediately after)
- "The ferris wheel goes around and around, around and around like the merry-go-round. It falls to the ground with a hideous sound, and the bodies are tumbling down, down, down..."
- The guys interpret the short as the work of Batman villain Egghead that got out of control:
Bill (as producer): I mean, we ordered up a thing for kids about courtesy, and this is just a bunch of crap about eggs!
- When Benedict falls off the slide and cracks open, the guys cheer for his death.
Kevin: Fry him up so we can feast on his innards!
- The egg infirmary is labelled "Egg-firmary".
Mike: Oh, come on, they're not even trying!Bill: So you're saying they don't get an A for eggfort?Kevin: Or an egg for eggfort?Bill: Or an egg egg eggy egg egg egg...Kevin (joining in): Egg egg egg egg egg...?
- The guys portray post-injury Benedict as brain-damaged:
Bill (as Benedict): Jeff Dunham is very funny!
- "Stop having the same voice as me!"
- Randomly saying "Courtesy" during situations that have nothing to do with courtesy at all.
- "Cartoon Steve Urkel in a hot-air balloon"
- Kevin's freakout over the birthday scene.
Bill: What IS that? Why does it have an omelet around its neck?Kevin: (calmly) Guys, just a heads up, I'm gonna start screaming like I'm being murdered now, and probably for several days.Mike: Yeah, I understand.Bill: Oh, sure.Kevin: OK. Here we go. (clears throat) AAAAGGHH OH MY GOD!! WHAT UNHOLY ABOMINATION WAS THAT?! OH MY LORD IT'S THE MOST HORRIBLE THING I'VE EVER— AAHH THERE IT IS AGAIN!!! AAAHH MY GOD WHAT IN HELL IS THAT THING?! OOOH THE DEMONS ARE COMING THEY'RE SUCKING MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY!!! AAAH SWEET GOD MERCIFUL...!!!Bill: K-Kevin? Kevin. Kevin... it's gone now. It stole all the joy from the souls of every man before it left, but it IS gone.Kevin: (weakly) Thank you...
- The clown walking around scene:
Bill: Ah! Fresh Nightmare Fuel. I was starting to get low.
- As the camera closes on on a hole with chewing, serrated metal jaws:
Narrator: I can take you through some of its doors and windows, and we will see how the Creeps Machine works.Mike: (Creepy voice} Just don't stick your wiener in there...Kevin: Wasn't going to.Mike: Trust me.Kevin: I do!Mike: It may seem like a good idea...Kevin: It really didn't.Mike: ...But there could be drastic downsides!Kevin: Eh, you don't have to elaborate.
- The Running Gag about "old Bobo" (a Jack in the Box clown) as a demonic Monster Clown.
- Repeated jokes about the way the foreman changes from clay to human and than back again:
Mike: "I guess my prayers to that evil wizard worked!"
- While Christine and Mario lie injured in the construction site, we cut to the foreman:
Bill: "Damn, these blueprints call for the blood offering of two innocents! Now where am I going to find those?"
- The end, where Bill has a horrible accident on the way out of the studio.
- This is an Australian short about safety when hunting/hiking/camping out in the Bush. The guys however, interpret "the bush" as something...dirtier, and their reactions to anything that could be even remotely suggestive are the funniest parts of the short.
Kevin: (after the short shows several newspaper clippings about people who've died out in the bush) I'm taking a vow of celibacy!
Bill: Ah, "When They Go Bush", the book penned by Lou Diamond Phillips when his wife left him for Melissa Etheridge.
Bill: Don't try to classen up your filth by attaching the word "saga" to it.
- Also, when the host of the short starts naming several important items to take when camping, the guys are anxious for him to mention a particular essential cutting implement. When he finally gets to it...
Host: (picking up a small Swiss Army knife) ...a knife...Mike: What...What?! That's a knife?! Make up your mind, Australia!Bill: So inconsistent!
- And Bill's allusion to a Noodle Incident, triggered by the scene of the two weekenders setting up camp:
Mike: Bill...?Bill: I loved it!Kevin: And your wife?Bill: She loved it too!(A moment or two later, a shot of the wife frying hot dogs in a pan, while the husband sits around drinking beer)Kevin: Still remind you of your honeymoon?Bill: Even more so!
Narrator: And be sure to bring plenty of tuckernote .Kevin: We should bring the movie Tucker? Why?!Bill: A man and his dream!
Mike: Man, these people are in tentsnote !(Kevin groans)Bill: (soft) Go straight to hell, Mike.
- When there's an unfortunate close-up of the characters crotch, framed by a harness:
Mike: GAH!Kevin: Speaking of "down and out"!Mike: Maybe he's just a stashing a piece of sidewalk chalk!
- Bill finally gets enough of the heavy-handedness of the short.
Bill: Wear a helmet and facemask AT ALL TIMES!!!
- Then, when the short advises wearing a belt:
Mike: I don't wear a belt.Bill: (darkly) You're a dead man.
- Then, when the short advises wearing a belt:
- Finally, Bill lays out the consequence of not following safe procedure:
Bill: You'll be stuffed into a jumpsuit, given brown dress shoes and a bad haircut and be forced to stumble around like Roberto Benigni!
- After the man in the film fails to land after a short jump:
Mike: Aaah! I forgot how my body works and what gravity is for and where I am in space!
- The constant jokes about the extremely basic subject matter. "Wait, I haven't seen how paper works!"
- When drawing a little boy looking out a window to see it's raining oddly-shaped raindrops: "It's raining nooses! The universe is telling Willy to stop being a wuss and go for it!"
- "We need a more rudimentary film!"
- Mike turning the short into Serious Business:
Mike: "And you can burn in Hell if you think this problem can't be solved with a rectangle." beat "In Hell."
- "Pitch for the home team" is an euphemism for an act so filthy we can't even tell you what letter in begins with!"
- "Now for a real challenge, we're going to draw a brick!"
- The entire damn Anvilicious short.
- Bill turning the opening song into a cereal commercial while a montage of drugs cascades down.
Mike: What are you going to teach two kids who keep an entire Lego box filled with drugs?Bill: Maybe how to hide them better?
Narrator: (singing) "Drugs are like that too...Kevin: (singing along) "Drugs are like your toys."
- During the mixed drugs-toys montage:
- All the jokes about the extreme lack of attention either child seems to be paying to their conversation.
- "They oughta check their house for carbon monoxide!"
- "What's a crack? Is it a baby?" "A what?" "A baby!" "What baby?!"
- "What in God's holy name is a baby?!"
- "Why don't you LISTEN, you bonehead!"
- Thousands died that day, and around the globe, people asked the same questions: "WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN? WHAT'S THAT?"
- Bill and Kevin trying to get out of watching the short, Mike forcing them to stay. It's reminiscent of the Hobgoblins episode of MST3K.
- Bill acting like a junkie freaking out during the part where the baby drops his pacifier.
- "Glenn Campbell! Ewan McGregor! Strom Thurmond!"
- "Gloria Steinem! Janet Reno! Strom Thurmond!"
- Their attacks at the end on the narrator Anita Bryant, most famous for hawking orange juice and being severely homophobic.
Principal Mustache: You already know what to do about the desk, Jimmy.
Principal Mustache: I hear you have a very unusual pencil.
Principal Mustache: May I see it?Bill: If you promise not to take any pictures.
- In a case of perfect timing, there's a Running Gag about tentacle hentai during the segments about a Japanese family. Kevin berates Bill for the joke... then cut to a display playing a commercial featuring an octopus in a microwave. Kevin officially gives up.
- Running Gag about the Mexican family's haphazard eating schedule.
Candida(narration): We usually eat at my grandparents' house. My mother eats later, when my father comes home from work.Kevin: We're totally winging it schedule-wise until someone invents iCalendar.
Candida (narration): Grandmother will eat her dinner later, after everyone else has eaten.Mike: This is getting awfully haphazard.Bill: Grandpa starts eating before everyone, then stops halfway through, and only resumes later that night when we've all gone to bed.
- Bricked later, with the Japanese family:
Hiroyuki (narration): My father works late, so he doesn't eat dinner with us.Bill: He eats with the Mexican grandmother.
- After the first kid learns he won't get the vacation he wanted.
Kid: All I could think about was all of the fun I was going to miss out on. And then something funny happened: I stopped thinking about me and I started to think about how disappointed the whole family must be.Bill: "Their depression really picked me up!"
- "I AM BECOME DEATH!"
- "The captain thanks you for keeping the plane snake-free."
- "Hi, I'm Bob Executive. Which way is business?"
- One joke made better by the live riff: the frequent jokes at the expense of Ft. Worth, Texas were followed by "Sorry, Ft. Worth" once they realized that people there were watching it live.
- Narrator: After school, Bill was hungry. He was hungry, and he had some money.Mike: So he ate his money.
- At the end of the short, the film breaks, cutting off the narrator mid-sentence, leading to this gem:
Narrator: And that...Bill: AH! THE BOMB!
- Kevin's jaunty song accompanying the theme music:
Kevin: "Gonna say goodbye to weeds! Weedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-dee! When the weeds are gone/we'll have a nice clean lawn/and a nasty skin disease! And the bees all start to die! And the birds fall from the sky! Well, we sealed our fate/but our lawns look great/as we kiss the world goodbye!"
- After Kevin continuously makes a horrifically annoying siren sound, Bill stops him with a Crowning Moment of Awesome line:
Kevin? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will murder you, and smile while I do it.
- This callback:
Mike: (as the boss) "Let me show you something we call 'the hide cellar.'"Bill: (shuddering) "The tail..."
- The lead character's attempts at excuse making:
Ed: "It wasn't my fault! The company just up and started firing people."Mike: "And for some reason they started with you?"
- The utter, utter insanity of the short and how much it confuses the three allows for countless jokes throughout.
- At the very start the flashing colours and nonsensical numbers culminating in a huge "666" has Kevin immediately shrieking about demons.
- The increasingly sinister lyrics they suggest for the "join hands" song ending.
- This moment:
Bill: Why are they dancing around a statue of Aragorn's mom?Mike: (chanting) And here's to the sword that will be reforged!
- Their sincere disgust at the "ketchup bukakke" and their gratitude that it was not mayonnaise.
- 2 thirds of the way through the riffers finally give into the madness and attempt to join in with the dance, only to end up hurting themselves.
- The bullshit about wild lions at the start, which gets Mike all confused. Especially Kevin dubbing over the dog.
- During the demonstration of kangaroo "boxing", it's obvious that someone is holding the kangaroo up off-camera. "Nobody's helping me!"
- Kevin's desire to merchandize the kangaroo, including making bottle openers out of their scrotums, trying to recruit them for a basketball team which is immediately shot down and mentioning how delicious they are.
- Kevin's "screaming goose" bit.
- The riffers' reimagining of little Gregory as an Ax-Crazy Boisterous Bruiser.
- Narrator: But Mr Bungle didn't stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch.Bill: Still, he was the cleanest person in the Taco Bell.Narrator: Then instead of waiting in line at the lunchroom, Mr Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front.Mike: As the biggest, it was his right!
- Later on:
Narrator: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap.(Phil squirts far more soap than he needs onto his hand)Bill: He decided to take some soap home for his entire ten-person family!
- Mr. Bungle's name being used as a Madness Mantra.
- Kevin going full Godwin on the short:
Mike: "You know who else picked up their tray?"Kevin: "HITLER!"Mike: "No! Mr. Bungle!"Kevin: "Oh, same thing, really!"
- First off, the Witch is the new Mr. B Natural of the 21st Century. Everything she does and says is so over-the-top quirky, the comedy comes from her trying to be kooky but coming off as an idiotic, creepy ditz.
- The jokes about the sale on breaded zucchini.
- Any joke about the witch's dark plans, culminating in "Join me in the dark abyss of savings!"
- When the cat from the witch's purse disappears: "I can haz freedom?"
- "Vote for Christine O'Donnell."
- "I'm you."
- "Ahh, Beard completer!"
- When the witch makes a milkman disappear:
Mike: Please. Whatever you're thinking, donOH! OH GOD! HELL IS HOT!
- "She's pathetic, but she's not nearly as creepy as the witch in the adult video store."
- "Monkeys like to play." "Mostly Last Train to Clarksville." SLAP "OW!"
- This exchange:
Mike: Wade Garrett, Sam Elliott's character from Road House.
Bill: Forced that one in there, didn't you Mike?
Mike: Bill, don't make me rip your throat out.
- The entire short is about the once common practice of washing clothes... in gasoline.note
- (As a housewife pours a pan of gasoline in her kitchen) "Wait they were serious about the whole washing clothes in gasoline?"
- (As a housewife) "Oh no! Something somehow went wrong with my pan of gasoline!"
- (As a safety inspector, inspecting a gasoline based dry cleaning business) "Sure you can wash clothing in gasoline here. You're wasting my time even asking!"
- (As a worker escaped from a gasoline fire) "Why can't we just use soap and water!?"
- An announcer discusses all the safety features commercial dry cleaners have, then cut to a woman washing clothes in her home.
Announcer But what chance does the housewife have without these safety features?Mike Well she could not wash her clothes in gasoline that would be a start.
- Kevin has some nice stuff, apparently, in the live version.
Kevin: [BOOM] My car! [BOOM] My mountain! [BOOM] My bridge! [BOOM] My subdivision! [BOOM] Britney Spears' birthplace! No!Bill: No!Mike: Would you stop that?
- In the internet version:
- The Spinning Newspaper showing the top headline, "Woman Dies of Gasoline Burns".
Bill: "Hundreds Killed in Chinese Quakes" gets lower billing?
- During the demonstration of how a dry cleaning company is prepared in case of a gasoline explosion, a joke is made pertaining on of the worker's resemblance to a certain celebrity.
Mike: They killed Vincent Price.
- In the live show, this leads to a couple jokes about a "post-explosion" Price when the Rifftrax Crew is promoting their live riffing of House on Haunted Hill (1959).
- The short itself has the Narm moment involving the ablaze housewife with the flames being very obvious animation.
- As bandmembers form the name "Conn":
Bill: Ah, I see. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
- When Mr. B begins to talk:
Bill: Mr. B, have your testicles dropped?
- As Mr. B starts stretching "his" legs in a sexy way:
Mike: Man, Mr. B's one hippy son-of-a-gun, ain't he?Kevin: (disgusted) Ugh, Mr. B, sir, please!Mr. B: I met him [Buzz] while he was in junior high, 12-and-a-half years old.Bill: Mr. B, why are you saying that with such relish?!
- As Mr. B capers off:
Mike: (high pitched voice) I'm a creepy sorceror!
- After Mr. B implies how music will make you popular:
Fred: How do you like the new clarinet, Jim?Mike: (Sarcasm Mode) Wow, that's a real panty-dropper, huh.
Fred: Not me, Jeannie...Mike: (falsetto) Chicks really dig his Pee Wee Herman impression.
Mr. B: Looks like Buzz might be needing me. Well, that's what I'm here for!Mike: That, and to issue confusing boners.Mr. B: Better wait til he calls on me, though, til he reaches for the spirit. (points at "himself")Kevin: Well, he's a 12-and-a-half year old boy. He probably reaches for the spirit three times a day.
- When Mr. B first appears to Buzz:
Mr. B: Mr. B Natural, at your service!Kevin: AKA Peter Pansexual!
Mr. B: Presto! Allegro!Bill: Cerebro!Mr. B: Vivace!Mike: Magneto!
- When Mr. B starts dancing like a happy king.
Kevin: Yep! That's the dance of a tyrannical king if I ever saw one!Bill: I've kicked my usurpers to Hell, and taken their lands! My reign of terror is secure, which gives meeeeeeeeeeeeeee confidence!
- In the same scene as above:
Bill: This is a tune that says "I find it hilarious I farted...and I'm doing it again!"
Bill: This tune says "I find it hilarious I farted after eating Taco Bell...No wait, I have to go to the hospital!"
- And later...
- The Rifftrax version includes a scene not included in the MST3K version which involves Mr. B exiting Buzz's room by leaping head first out of the open window in his room. Along with the silliness of said moment, the Rifftax crew add their own wit to the scene.
Mike: (as Mr. B) I've taken angel dust, see? SEE!?!Kevin: (as Buzz, looking out his window) Oh my god, she's pizza! (makes puking sound)
- Making Mr. B. creepier.
Music teacher: What's your lip size?Mr B.: Medium!Kevin: (as Mr. B) Perfect for kissing!Mike: (as Buzz, creeped out.) Uh, thanks, mister...
- The crew stating that rock and roll destroyed Buzz's chance to be cool, rendering him a bitter old man who was a top poster on his local paper's website, complaining about gays and Jews.
- A running gag involving Santa leaving a toy shovel in the stockings of one of the kids.
- Norman, ensemble darkhorse from the liveshows and Rifftrax's new byword for depressed/disgusting/pathetic/perverted individuals, returns in this short to spend 6 minutes taking a shit in a public restroom, failing in every conceivable way, and accidentally groping other men within. Needless to say the jokes literally write themselves and the riffers have a lot of fun with it.
- The riffers suspect that Norman is using the art history book as "good fappin' material".
Kevin: (as Mona Lisa with an Italian accent) Norman, you sick, sick man!
- The riffers suspect that Norman is using the art history book as "good fappin' material".
- The Planet of the Apes jokes:
"A bicycle safety film where apes evolve from men?!""We're headed over to Cornelius and Zira's for the game.""To the Forbidden Zone!""It is/is not Ape Law!"
- The shrieks of utter horror once the masks are revealed. Bill never really recovers from it (and it makes his jokes even funnier).
- "THEY'RE GOING TO FIND ME!!!"
- Kevin's consistent "monkey flinging poo" jokes, with Mike reprimanding him a few times.
Kevin: Whole lot poo flinging there.Mike: Oh, Kevin!Kevin: Well, it's what they do, Mike! YOU'RE LIVING IN DENIAL!
- Finally, Mike says, "What the heck", and gives permission, leading to:
Kevin: It's POO-FLING-A-PALOOZA! poo! poo! poo! poo!
- Finally, Mike says, "What the heck", and gives permission, leading to:
- Their reaction to the narrator saying "handle his sack".
Kevin: In case any of you kids thought being happy was a good thing: Choke. On. THIS.
- "She had a tragic, yet GOOFY death!"
- "On the bright side, her monkey colleagues found her DELICIOUS."
- Headline: Student Defends Bicycle OrdinanceKevin: ...on slowest news day in history.
Barker: I've, uh, noticed you out there...Mike: Things you don't want to hear in the locker room.
- (after seeing a dog jump over a high fence) "DOGS CAN DO THAT? Now I'm scared of them too!"
- The entirety of the short shown at the House on Haunted Hill (1959) live riff. The guys turn a harmless short about paper production into a story of a young boy's descent into madness at the hand of his paper bag.
"We'll blot out the moon, Billy! We'll be GODS!"
- What was funnier about it was how little they had to work to change it. "Did you ever think about what the world would be like without paper?"
- "Daah, you have arms now! You're learning and adapting!"
- "Then a trip through the gonad-jabber!"
- The demonic paper bag tells Billy to give a class report just like he told him: "The Jewish banks and the Queen of England are conspiring to destroy our economy!"
- (after all the magazines and newspapers disappear) "Oh no, somebody invented the internet!"
- The guys get a lot of mileage from the fact Bob Crane is involved with the short.note
Bill: Man, Bob Crane had a funny sense of what contributed to "a little act of patriotism".
- Later, when Crane's narration is silent:
Kevin: (nervously) Mr. Crane, you're awfully quiet right now. You're... not taping anything are you?Mike: (as Bob Crane, creepily) Just keep on doing what you're doing.
- "Yes, I'm Bob Crane, telling you how to be a good person."
- Later, when Crane's narration is silent:
- From the short itself: "If we learn to care for others, to respect others we'll learn how to care for to respect our country."
- The short's definition of patriotism becomes vague and odd:
Bob Crane: Patriotism is being proud of being who you are and whatever you do.Kevin: So... if I like to make sculptures out of my own feces, I'm a patriot?Bill: Mm-hmm.Kevin: Cool!
Mike: Making ugly things even uglier is what patriotism is all about!
- This reference, when Crane goes on about how everyone loves Arbor Day.
Mike: Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide, well, you know, Chewbacca is out.
- "These people are Moros." "Hey! We're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but there's no call for that!"
- The reaction to the cock fight and Bill's Incredibly Lame Puns thereafter.
- The really, really bad segue at the end from polishing a pearl to shots of war-torn Manila.
- Coach: You can't read, right?Desmond: What are you talking about?Coach: You haven't been leveling with me. You can't read, right? Well, right?Desmond: Yeah, right.Bill: Wait, read or write? Pick one.
- As the coach and the English teacher discuss how the basketball player, Desmond, can't read:
Coach: "How did he get through school then?"Kevin: "That would mean we absolutely su...oh."
Teacher: Desmond is just like a hundred other students who are only getting C's and D's.Bill: A hundred? Is their school district severely inbred?
- During that same conversation:
Casting Director: I bet this school has a reading class you can take.Kevin: This school? I wouldn't be so sure.
- Bricked later with:
- The following line resulted in such a huge laugh at the live riffing of the short that the Rifftrax crew ended up missing a few lines due to the audience still laughing:
Santa Claus (to Rudolph, at Rudolph's bedside): Rudolph, I need you tonight.Kevin: WHOA!!!
- This line:
- The Running Gag about the main character's occupation of "freelance architect".
- "I guess the Lollipop Guild is part of the Federation..."
- The entire "aliens recruit Karen" scene is golden.
- "Hey, I think I'll eat this RAGING OUT OF CONTROL FIRE MOM LEFT ME!"
- "But now you're dead and I'm here to take you to Safety Hell."
- A kid finding his dad's gun: "Perfect! I have a drive-by after school!"
- "Oxygen: scourge of mankind!"
- "This key could kill you."
- Since all three shorts were by the same producer who localized the infamous MSTed Santa Claus (1959) film, it was a given that they would be full to the brim with riffable hilarity, as well as callbacks to that particular episode.
- When Bill promotes his new website, lightbulbs4lesss, Kevin goes into a little Squee moment, imitating Wallace's happy arm dance.
- Mike, Kevin and Bill giving into the madness when the Wolf, Skunk and Puss In Boots all start arguing incoherently.
- The reference to said episode and the MST3K running gag as the camera pans across the same shots of children building Santa's toys.
Kevin: Years have passed, and a hardened Lupita has crushed all attempts by the children to unionize.Kevin: (quietly) Lupita, nooooo.
- Gary The Gloryhole, aka the "Magic Teletalker" from the episode. (The crew is far more explicit that the riff used in the previous episode ("The pleasure mouth!").)
Narrator: The computer that registers the good and bad deeds of all children on earth.Mike: But mostly Santa's bad deeds with the Magic Teletalker.Kevin: (audibly cringes) Noooo...Mike: (darkly) That's right.
- The horrifying return of the Ice Cream Bunny.
Mike: (as the Ice Cream bunny is revealed to be piloting Santa's train) WHOA WHAT!? WHAT THE HELL!? HE HAS AN ICE CREAM BUNNY TOO?!Kevin: Did I somehow miss a hugely beloved piece of American folklore?Mike: (as the other two chuckle quietly) Ice cream bunnies, everywhere.
- This is immediately followed by Bill reprising his simultaneously hilarious and terrifying impression of the ice cream bunny from his previous movie.
- The riffers then repeatedly make dark references to the Ice Cream bunny's many unspeakable crimes and murders, directly comparing him to Candyman as he seems to appear whenever they mention him.
Bill: Also, he committed a few murders in the ghetto.
- The riffers then repeatedly make dark references to the Ice Cream bunny's many unspeakable crimes and murders, directly comparing him to Candyman as he seems to appear whenever they mention him.
- In the final short, the riffers speculate as to why Santa only has four reindeer.
Mike: He lost them in a late night dice game with the Ice Cream Bunny.Bill: (in Horrified realisation) Oh god... what does the Ice Cream Bunny want with five reindeer?Mike: (whispers) You do not want to know.
- The Wolf... thing's over the top performance and his hideously discordant theme music in particular (described as "two accordions having sex" and directly compared to the Torgo theme) cause the riffers to break down in confused laughter multiple times.
- This was also one of the rare, rare times RiffTrax had host segments. At the end of the short, Mike, Bill and Kevin lament "the death of Christmas" and how everyone forgot Merlin's bizarre humming in the short as a Christmas tradition, making it seem like it was a classic carol. They all then mindlessly start humming like Merlin to cap off the short.
- As Santa is seen walking with a pair of reindeer during the first short:
- During the final short as the "Ogre" (Gumby and Pokey Mated!) once again threatens Santa
Ogre: Stop hiding Santa! I'll find you and when I do I'll destroy you!Kevin: I swear Santa, I will tear out your liver and EAT IT IN FRONT OF THE UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY!!!Bill: Ugh, dark turn in Santa's Village.
Ogre: (offscreen) Merlin! Don't throw that at me!Bill: (horrified) His colostomy bag, oh God!
- The riffers repeatedly call out the fact that the film makes a "subtle" shift in background music to sound more urban whenever a black person is on screen.
- Bill's obvious horror at seeing the test dummies of children and babys slam into the windshield again and again:
Bill: Let's see it five more times to make sure my nightmares are good and vivid tonight!
Bill: (sigh) Listen and weep as the announcer begs the parents to love their children.
- And again at how the narrator has to beg the parents shown to provide basic protection to their children:
- "Sooner or later we're gonna hear 'Hi, I'm Troy Mc Clure'..."
- The sheer madness of a half-hour-long short about putting together a kindergarten classroom drives the guys insane.
- "Well, at it's not setting up The Room." This, of course, gets Bill to trot out Tommy the Substitute teacher, with Mike and Kevin reacting as panicked children.
- They theorize that the women are aliens and start imitating the Yip-Yip Martians.
- The inexplicable appearance of younger movers and the porno music they start singing.
- The Running Gag about the younger woman never introducing herself, that the women just want to end their lives, and the simmering anger they inject between the two leads.
- The whole short can be summed up in this line:
Mike: "WOULD YOU STOP SHOWING A WOMAN PUTTING AWAY BLOCKS!?"
- He nearly breaks completely when they cut back.
- The inexplicable moment when the cameraman audibly sneezes and they just keep going.
- Kevin giving in to the madness.
Kevin: YES! THE CUBBIES! YOU GLORIOUS, INSANE BITCH!!!
- The final reprise of its theme song: "It's the 'Shake Hands with Danger' party mix!"
- The narrator's awkward silence while Chuck Hamlin works on the excavator. Mike, Kevin and Bill use the opportunity to deliver some lame Chuck Norris facts for him. Later on, we see his dead body at various places throughout the film, and they note that the others are working while his corpse is still warm and (at the end) that he hasn't even been buried.
Bill: Man, I REALLY fell on my keys!
- Hey everyone, the cruel old bastard finally got his comeuppance!" "Yay! Woohoo! I hope he dies!"
- After Harry inadvertently wrecks a house due to not paying attention to the controls of his vehicle.
Kevin: (as the narrator) Shake Dangers Hand? HELL Harry ain't fit to wipe danger's backside!
Bill: Shake hands with tedium. Buh, duh dah duh duh - yawns.
- Bill quietly cracking up while Mike hums a reprise of the endlessly repeated "Shake Hands with Danger" guitar riff makes this all the more hilarious.
Bill: We had our crack sniper shoot Glen to prove a point about safety.
- The neighborhood kids are trying to talk new girl Susan into digging a trench in a vacant lot with them:
Narrator: "You should see our trench!" Pete said, "It's long and wide and deep, too! We're having fun."Kevin: Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern.
Narrator: After that, everyone played together and had a good time.Kevin: Until later that summer when they had to band together to destroy It.
- When Skipper, the titular dog, meets a dachshund:
Narrator: "Go away!" said the dog. "Go away! You look funny!"Bill: Said the practical joke of evolution.
- "Would Old Yeller have been as beloved if he was a racist that got done in by poster paint? I say yes. Even more so."
- Upon a close-up of the main character's old, unattractive mom:
Mike: GAH! Dad, why are you dressed like that?
- The main character's unsuccessful attempt at boxing:
Drug Addict: The other guy made hamburger out of me.Bill: Then I got kidnapped by some guy who kept saying, "Robble-robble!"
- Given how it involves an especially....enthusiastic clown (whom, to quote Mike, "there aren't enough prisons in the world to contain") teaching kids how to tell a story in the correct order, the short is filled to the brim with Monster Clown and Pedophile jokes from Mike, Kevin, and Bill.
Bill: (after an especially confusing and badly edited intro) Hey, this thing's hopelessly out of order already, start over!The Clown: (appearing out of nowhere on the pitch black backdrop) BOO!!Bill: (now screaming in terror) HOLY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING!?
- Immediately afterwards, as the clown begins to describe the game he wants to play:
The Clown: OHHH That was FUN wasnt it!! (Kevin audiably cringes in horror) But that isn't the game were gonna play, NO SIREEE!Kevin (horrified) ARGH I NEED AN ADULT!!
- And immediately after that...
The Clown: And the game is called...Bill: (as the clown) A WRONG THAT CAN NEVER BE UNDONE!! GUHOHOY!!
- When the clown starts to tell the story about Jim:
The Clown: Now this is the story about what happens when Jim's bedtime comes! (cue the kid on screen starting to strip)Mike: (utterly mortified) What!? Oh Mr Clown please I beg of you stop this NOW!!
- And at the end:
Mike: (at the very end of the short) Coronet: Even we don't know what the Hell that just was.
- The 30 minute short is a tour of Hormel's "disassembly" factory for their processed meats. As one might expect of a 30 minute display of dead animal carcasses being processed, it achieves the level of Shock Site, resulting in many Brain Bleach moments - punctuated by the skinning of a cow carcass.
Mike: The tail! The tail! THE HORRIBLE TAIL!All three: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!Bill: You're still thinking about the tail, aren't you?
Mike: You don't get fired at Hormel: you just get reassigned to 'the hide cellar.'
- Their speculation as to the shattered mental state of the poor souls trapped in the "hide cellar" and forced to process the skin of said carcasses is also golden.
- The fact that the kids actually asked to have a tour of the plant gets a lot of mileage. Finally, the crew surmises they and their family went vegan after the tour.
Kevin (as the Hormel secretary): (writing back to the kids after getting their letter asking to have a tour of the plant) What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Repeated mention by the narrator of wieners (and wieners being "discharged" or "free swinging"), "hung" sausages, "picnic boning", boning lines, the "batch master" and other innuendo filled words cause Kevin to repeatedly melt down at the sheer number of jokes he could make.
- Of course, in a short about pork manufacturing, they had to eventually get to the guys' favorite meat:
Narrator: Next is the story of how bacon is made.
- Bill makes a joke that the opening music, when sung backwards, is The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Cut to the butcher's shop, where the butchers are wearing wide hats. Mike's response: "Wait a minute, those are rabbis!"
- "Our hollow-eyed dopplegangers will fill you in in the rest."
- "Just cook the #$(*ing dinner!"
- Mike spending the entire duration of the short's closing credits doing an imitation of Marv's laugh.
- Mike and Bill on Ho Yay:
Mike: Sure, Harv and Marv argue, but the sex? Out of this world!Bill: And so frequent.
- The bizarre presence of the alien tooth fairy woman, who clearly does not want to be involved in this production at all.
- "Layer upon layer of madness."
- "Marv's teeth are clogged with TP and feces."
Mike: Gentlemen, please! If we can just reach agreement, we are steps away from giving the world the greatest Lemon Party the world has ever seen!(a few minutes later)Mike: Why are they taking off their robes? Guys, I was just KIDDING about the Lemon Party thing. GUYS, GUYS!
Kevin: Hang on. Hey, director, Mr. Méliès? That train station urchin kid is hanging out watching us again.Bill: Ecch. Yuka, throw rocks at him til he's dead.
- A few shots at the Ambiguous Gender women at the launching.
Kevin: Step forward, pleasingly buttocked young sailor boy-girls!(later)Bill: Your breasts are firm and lovely, young man.
- The crew gets a lot of mileage with the misogyny.
Mr. Bradshaw: As per her qualifications, I assigned her to an inspections bench.Mike: She got bra marks all over it!
Servo: It's those damned Fallopian tubes, Walt!
- "A woman by the name of... Mmmmmyrtle Malloy!" "He was voted 'most likely to impersonate Henry Fonda' in high school."
- This exchange:
Mr. Bradshaw: Maybe you should treat them right?Brad: What do you mean, treat them right?!Kevin: (as Brad) You mean like even more resentment?!
- Reacting to the "What's Brad's problem?" title card.
Mike: Well, he started life as Ellen Bradley, the hormones aren't taking, and he's kinda bitter. Good night.
- The Running Gag involving Vaughn Monroe's elderly looking wife.
- As Smokey the Bear comes out of a billboard: "Pedobear: The Motion Picture!"
- The frequent attempts to end the short and the guys' exasperation when it just keeps on going. It's made doubly funny by being one of the longer shorts and thus sold in two parts, making it a Running Gag.
- In the transition between scenes:
Narrator: Now, are you ready for the next family scene?Mike: No, I'd like a break... (narrator continues on) Hey! Why even ask?
Jack the Giant Killer
Coming July 9th! Miami Connection
Coming October 1st! Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (Jack and the Beanstalk Version)
Coming December 3rd!
- The pre-show cards. A few from Jack the Giant Killer included "Movie Mistakes" (Zookeeper starring Kevin James), "Real Life Giant Killers" (David - Goliath), "Only in the Movies" (Could a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, and fun have difficulty finding a relationship, because she is "kinda clumsy"), Movie Anagrams (Blil Plluman - Bill Paxton), and Movies that Netflix Puts on Instant Watch Instead of RiffTrax (Cool Dog).
- The all-time best is one from Jack the Giant Killer, where they finally answer an open question from the previous year's show: yes, corn is actually grass.
- At Jack the Giant Killer, the constant jokes about "seizing the bone."
- "Be right there..."
- "Up yours, Pendragon!"
- "Aaah, the shadow of a chain is causing me to jump off this wall!"
- Shmorky's animated short before the main show, an animated representation of the thoughts of Lowtax's daughter Lauren. It's hilarious.
- This leads to a bit in Jack the Giant Killer where the guys suggest that one scene in the film (which involves a chimpanzee reaching for a bottle containing a leprechaun in order to have him assist Jack in dealing with a two-headed giant) was actually written by Lauren.
King: Let's see this giant of yours.Bill: GAH! I thought this was a family show!
- Kevin, joined in by Mike and Bill, singing to the theme. They did it so well Bill exclaimed, "Take that, Book Of Mormon!"
- The toy commercials from the Christmas show. Mike's "gift" was of a 60s toy robot with an Accidental Innuendo-filled commercial.
- In "Manos" The Hands of Fate:
- The pre-show cards for "Manos" The Hands of Fate includes the following haiku that sums up Transformers: Dark of the Moon:
No no no no noNo no no no no no noNo no no no no
- This movie quote:
"You cowards! You're all cowards! I'm takin' my shirt off and you're going to have to tranq me to stop me!" The Wiggles Movie: The Magical Adventure
- Movie Mistakes: Sam Worthington
- We lied and we're actually going to show King Ralph instead. (next card) We still haven't decided out whether that would be better or worse.
- Did You Know?: A new Pixar movie came out this summer. Yeah, apparently it was called Brave.
- There will be a Lost movie that explains all the things the show left hanging. It will be 36 hours long.
- The pre-show cards for "Manos" The Hands of Fate includes the following haiku that sums up Transformers: Dark of the Moon:
- In the short beforehand, "Welcome Back, Norman", the title character accidentally leaves a briefcase on top of his car. The next few minutes are just basically buildup until the inevitable happens, and the riffers joke about it. Then, Norman, while trying to make his way out of the parking lot, looks out the window, looks up in the exact direction of where the briefcase is...and doesn't even notice it. And the short doesn't even acknowledge this.
Kevin: (spreading his arms in disbelief) OH, WHAT THE HELL?!
- Later, after the inevitable flinging of the briefcase from the car, Kevin says as Norman, "Oh, so that is what that large, brown oblong box on top of my car was!"
- Another Running Gag was Norman's "Catch Phrase", a deep, soul-sucking sigh, "Uhhhhhhhhn."
- There was also a Call Back to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny when the Crew invited the audience to close their eyes while Norman grunted while trying to get in his car.
- A couple of memorable moments from the "At Your Fingertips: Cylinders" short that also was shown beforehand:
Kevin: Yes, but they still haven't answered whether cylinders are grass or not!Mike: Call Back!
- One of the items being made out of cylinders is a horse, which results in a crack about making a Catherine the Great to go underneath the horse.
- Bite my shiny cardboard ass!
- "Why did you build me with a fear of heights?!"
- Poking holes in a tube with paper at the end makes it "a planetarium". "DOES IT?!"
- Bill ordered a pizza, Mike and Kevin feared he ordered from Torgo's again, but he assured them he ordered Giovanni's. It arrives... being delivered by Torgo (played by Manos 2 Torgo Rupert Munch). He is berated by The Master from Manos 2.
- After the show, a parody of Take It Easy sung by Torgo and featured clips from both Manos: The Hands of Fate and Manos 2: The Search for Valley Lodge. Here it is in all its glory.
- During the Manos Live Show, a brief 30 second television ad from the 1970's promoting California prunes was so bizarre, it had the entire audience in stitches as well as the Rifftrax crew without a single riff being uttered.
Bill: Mike, you sold us out to Big Prune!
- They did, however, frequently cry out "No!" in disgust when the man in the add poured yet another glass of prune juice.
- They also wondered why the prune company, in order to advertise a healthy lifestyle, hired a "weathered, old, Orville Redenbacher wannabe" as the spokesman.
- The White Trash Twilight Sketch. At the end, Kevin and Bill took a bow to thunderous applause.
- Mike's Ask a Stupid Question... response to Bill's question of whether this is, in fact, Manos the Hands of Fate.
Mike: "No, actually this is a different Manos: a delightful Pixar film OF COURSE THE HANDS OF FATE!"
- The theater cards for the live Rifftrax of Birdemic had some of these winners:
- "After the show, we'll roll 27 minutes of credits then show a scene of Mike, Kevin and Bill eating shawarma."
- ANAGRAMS: "Skete Ulirch" (next card) "Not Quite Johnny Depp"
- "You are all weirdos" - Sam the Eagle, BronyCon keynote speaker
- "Before complimenting a young lady Honey Boo Boo costume, check first to make sure she is in fact wearing a costume."
- "Don't assume that empty seat is available, Clint Eastwood said there might be an invisible President sitting there."
- "Dear Head Beagle, Snoopy has threatened to kill my family if I ever speak. Please hel-Oh God he's coming!" - Woodstock
- "No, not Doonesbury, Bloom County. BLOOM. COUNTY. Very popular in the 80's. Come on, I know ONE of you has heard of me." — Opus, trying to get a table at a restaurant.
- "Corn is grass, however, Candy Corn tastes worse than grass."
- "We tricked you, we're actually showing Setting Up A Room four times in a row."
- "Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national bird. He also endorsed "gravy" as our national beverage."
- "Remember everything you've read about surviving a Zombie Apocalypse. Then wonder why you've spent so much time reading about how to survive a Zombie Apocalypse."
- "Anyone caught texting during the show will be made to sniff Gary Busey's used dental floss."
- "IN CASE OF BIRDEMIC... try to start pooping white so they think you're one of them."
- "Your punishment must be more severe, girlfriend." — Bane, from his sassy new daytime court show, Judge Bane.
- "Wreck-It Ralph was intended to be a sequel to King Ralph, and the title referred to what John Goodman's character did to the Royal Palace's toilets."
- "2012 marks the year that Tim Burton ran out of other people's movies to remake and accidentally remade one of his own (Frankenweenie)."
- The live show of Birdemic featured the return of the Beleaguered Bureaucrat Norman and his depressing misadventures in a hotel in Norman Checks In. Unnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhh.
Bill: It does! Think about it!Mike: I am thinking about it!
- After the horrifying sight of Norman lathering up in the shower (the reaction to which is a CMOF itself), Bill makes a Running Gag out of referring to Norman soaping up his crotch with various colorful euphemisms...until he calls his junk a "Spirit of St. Louis", which, as Mike points out, doesn't even make sense as a phrase.
Kevin: Oh, Mona, you cruel, savage bitch! What did you do!?
- It becomes a Brick Joke during Birdemic; when Rod and Nathalie are being attacked by birds in their hotel room, the crew states this will be just the time for Norman to step out naked and lathered with soap again.
- As the camera pans across the wreckage of Norman's hotel room, the 'Mona Lisa' that had been hanging on the wall is now on the bed in place of Norman:
- During the Birdemic live show, Bill whips out a Nintendo DS during the opening driving scene, insisting, like a kid on a road trip, that playing Mario Kart will make the drive go faster. He gets reprimanded by the other riffers. This is funny enough...and then Bill attempts to make a Brick Joke out of this when the kids in the movie randomly start playing a PSP. The joke goes as usual until Bill mispronounces it PCP. Mike, Kevin, and the audience lose it.
"PCP"...yeah, we'll need it to get through this!
- From a line only found in the live show (but good enough to be reprised the following year in Night of the Living Dead!):
- The tradition of pre-show cards continues:
- "Starship Troopers is loosely based on a novel by Robert A. Heinlein, making it the ONLY science fiction film not based on a book by Philip K Dick."
- Movie Anagrams: ATFER EATHR (next card) HOLLYWOOD NEPOTISM
- Movie Anagrams: Magneto (next card) Cerebro
- Movie Anagrams: Channing Tatum (next card) Apparently, that's an actual name
- Movie Anagrams: EONSMTRS NIUVSERTYI (next card) At least it's not Cars 3note
- Movie Quotes: "Sure, I'll do a movie called Noobz!" — Starship Troopers star Casper van Dien
- Movie Quotes: "Sure, I'll do something called The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation with Mario Lopez!" — Starship Troopers star Casper van Dien
- Movie Quotes: "Sure, I'll reprise the role of Johnny Rico in Starship Troopers 3: Marauder!" - Guess who?
- Movie Quotes: "What was I supposed to do? Let them die?" "UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH." - Welcome back, NorMan of Steel.
- Movie Quotes: "YES I'm sure I'm Tonto. Why does EVERYBODY KEEP ASKING ME THAT???" — Johnny Depp as Tonto in The Lone Ranger
- Spoiler Alert!: That guy in the new Star Trek movie turns out to be Khan. Related spoiler: Hollywood is out of ideas.
- Movie Mistakes: Christmas Jones.
- Did You Know?: At least one person in your theater has been sitting there since last summer, trying figure out WHAT HAPPENED in Prometheus.
- We lied. We're actually showing you A Talking Cat!?! in its entirety unriffed.
- "There ain't no rule that says a dog can't play Doctor Who!" Next summer: Air Bud 12: Tearin' Up the TARDIS
- Next season on Game of Thrones: home video of your most painful childhood memory.
- "So what are you doing after prom?" "Matt Dillon and Neve Campbell."
- This got the longest, hardest laugh:
Rasczak: I need a corporal. You're it, until you're dead or I find someone better.Mike: Ah, my wedding vows.
- In second place: "Oh no! RAID!!!"
- The Running Gag about Dizzy being an extreme Yandere and Stalker with a Crush on Johnny, and Johnny treating her as a disposable "second choice" (and the inevitable First Girl Wins.)
- The Running Gag about the increasing Anvilicious commentary about Carl's SS uniform and Putting on the Reich.
Even I've picked up on the Nazi symbolism, and I'm Denise Richards!
- The "Gorillagrams" meant to provide a distraction during the nude scenes.
- When Carmen points out the ship she'll be piloting, docked just off the moon: "Uh, Denise, that's the moon, honey. You won't be flying it."
- "David Cronenberg's A Bug's Life."
- "SMILE-TRON 3000 ACTIVATED."
- Everyone breaking the news to Denise Richards that she'll be the worst Bond girl ever.
- "I'll never forget how I settled for you..."
- "She wants the D...-list actor."
- "I can fit an entire tuna can in my mouth!"
- "You have 20 minutes." "So... two minutes of sex and eighteen minutes of tearful apologies?"
- On a field full of bug corpses:
Bill: This is what happened every time I played SimAnt. I wasn't very good."
- "Good thing our guns holds 200 bullets!....I mean, 500 bullets!....ONE THOUSAND BULLETS!"
- "AT&T: Still dropping your phone calls in the future."
- "80% of the rest of the script will consist of MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!" *character drops said line* "EIGHTY PERCENT!!!"
- The Caption Contest winners for a still from Night of the Living Dead:
- "And this is what happens, kids, to anyone who twerks.
- "Subway... Eat Flesh!"
- "Steve, The Other White Meat"
- The pre-show cards were again in force:
- "Rampant commericalism has distracted us from the real meaning of Halloween: placating demons to ensure a bountiful harvest."
- Did You Know?: "Oogie Boogie, The Nightmare Before Christmas ' bulging burlap sack full of hideous worms and grubs, was inspired by newscaster Nancy Grace."
- Did You Know?: "The 'Great Pumpkin' was just a lonely man with a horribly misshapen head. He heard what Linus called him, and it hurt."
- Did You Know?: "The "My Buddy" doll was the inspiration for Chucky in Child's Play, and Puffball Popple was the inspiration for Pinhead in the Hellraiser movies. (A lot changed in focus groups.)"
- Did You Know?: "You couldread Dante's vivid descriptions of Hell, or just step into a convention center bathroom during Comic-Con. Up to you."
- Did You Know?: Coming next Halloween: Freddy vs. Jason Vs Milo And Otis."
- Last Minute Costume Ideas: "A Native American dressed as Johnny Depp."
- Last Minute Costume Ideas: "Filmgoer watching Paranormal Activity (costume consists of taking a nap)"
- "Bunnicula, Count Duckula and Count Chocula all have their roots in the same myth: the Florida Skunk Ape."
- Movie Mistakes: "Tara Reid: Archeologist - Alone in the Dark (2005)"
- Movie Mistakes: Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, Saw VI, Saw 3D.
- Movie Mistakes: "Friday the 13th was supposed to end with a peaceful boat scene, but then some dead guy jumped and totally ruined the plot."
- Movie Mistakes: "The Wicker Man failed to focus on the most interesting subplot: what was in the gunny sack the old lady was holding that Nic Cage thought might be a shark."
- Movie Mistakes: "The utterly terrifying, nightmare inducting animated film The Secret Of NIMH was mistakenly marketed as a children's movie. Oh God, that owl..."
- Movie Quotes: "Flanders was a zombie?" - Morgan Freeman, Moll Flanders (1996)
- Movie Quotes: "Whoa, Wilford Brimley was in this???" - anyone watching John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) for the first time
- Halloween Haikus:
Tim Burton took the creditFrom Henry Selick
- "Zombie movies have evolved a lot over the decades. For example, in 2002, Film/28DaysLater introduced zombies that run fast. Another example is, uh... hm. That's pretty much it."note
- The crew get the riff that Ben resembles Barack Obama quickly and out of the way.
- Along with the riff of, "I'm the black guy in a horror movie!" when Ben tells Barbara that he's also afraid.
- The many Running Gags about Barbara's Heroic BSOD (mumbling about candy and such), Harry's constant seething rage at everything, and Karen identifying herself as Mrs. Cooper (which also inevitably leads to a Hangin' with Mr. Cooper reference.)
- However, when Barbara starts talking nonstop about her brother's death, Kevin ponders if the first sign of zombie infection is Chewing the Scenery.
- When Karen kills her mother:
Mike: The logical conclusion to the Honey Boo Boo saga!
- Also, "She's been spade!" is one of the best puns ever delivered at a Rifftrax event.
- Mike's voice for a police dog near the end—"Rut? Rombies?!"—causes Bill Corbett to lose it for about thirty seconds.
- In a case of Accidental Innuendo, there's a segment in the movie where a local police chief is being interviewed on TV, and he mentions how he and his posse ran into a bunch of ghouls, but they were able to "beat them off". Big laughs followed as Mike, Kevin & Bill interpret that phrase a bit differently and it's off to the races.
- Also: "Thousands of people are dying but this guy's having a great time!"
- Outside with the zombies: "'Cause this is Thriller, Thriller — oh, come on, you're not even trying!"
- The opening short is Norman Gives a Speech, and the riffers lead into it with an Audience Participation UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH-along. (The key is to have it come from a place of utter despair.)
- "Say what you want about the zombies, but at least they're not Instagramming pictures of their food!"
- From the pre-show Trivia Slide background songs: Grandma Cooked the Dog.
- Snoopy from the Santa Claus and the Fairy Snow Queen short evokes a lot of memories of Mr. B Natural. Her Annoying Laugh gets a lot of mileage, too.
- Renaming Chochum as Gandalf the Green.
Chochum: What time of year is it?Kimar: It's the middle of Septober.Kevin: (as Chochum) I thought it was Febuly!
- On that note
Bill: (as Chochum) All the Chinese restaurants are full of Jews!
- Also, while Chochum is describing Christmas to the Martian counsel:
- The "Lower landing legs!" segment.
- During the scene with Torg:
Kimar: Torg! Come out of the space ship! Torg! Come! Out! Of! The! Space! Ship!Bill: Torg, go!((Kevin starts singing Torgo's theme and doing a dance version of Torgo's walk).Bill: No, no, no, go back in your own movie!Mike: (as Torgo) YoU CaLLeD mE?Bill: AWAY!(Crowd bursts into thunderous applause.)
- Turning all of Billy's dialogue in the first half of the movie to, "Come on, Betty! No, wait a minute!"
- Mike's "Screw them," riff after Santa is assured that the elves would be unfreezed eventually.
- Pretty much everything in the mind-meltingly bizarre short "Santa and the Fairy Snow Queen", from Snoopy (the new Mr. B Natural) to the Candy Lion ("I can eat candy!")
- The Candy Lion gets a Call Back in the main movie, when a character's downing food pills with sweet flavors. "I can eat candy, too!" "Get out of here, Candy Lion!"
- Not visible to the people outside of the actual show, but after Bill flubs several lines he falls to his hands and knees and tries to crawl away from the stage while Mike and Kevin stop riffing and drag Bill back to his feet.
- Near the end of the movie, when everyone's saying their goodbyes. Kimar and Momar wish Santa luck and all that as he heads back to Earth.
Santa: And I wish you...Bill: (as Santa) had not kidnapped me.
- Kevin being creeped out when Werner von Green talks about a "final phase"
- The pre-show cards continue to be a hoot:
- Movie Mistakes: Megan Fox as April O'Neil.
- Movie Mistakes: Any time a character is shown using Bing for a web search.
- Movie Mistakes: In Jaws: The Revenge, director Joseph Sargent accidentally let the cameras capture scripted scenes on film and released the footage to the viewing public.
- Movie Mistakes: Clownfish are born hermaphrodites and can change reproductive organs to mate with their offspring if their other mate dies — a glaring plot hole in Finding Nemo.
- Movie Mistakes: The Asylum has never produced an unprofitable film.
- Movie Quotes: "Could we please have a QUANTUM OF SILENCE around here?!" - James Bond, Double-Oh, Dad!
- Movie Quotes: "I'm a man with a very particular set of... eh you know what, just keep her this time.", Liam Neeson, Taken 3
- Spoiler Alert!: The next season of True Detective will have 16 detectives, and it's a Reality Show to see who's the truest detective of all.
- Spoiler Alert!: The final battle in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has the simian army facing its deadliest foe yet: The Man With the Yellow Hat.
- Did You Know?: Ian Ziering was rated "Best Looking Guy from 90210" in a poll conducted in a poll of randomly selcted Ian Zierings.
- Did You Know?: SyFy used to be called the Sci Fi Channel and aired a plucky little cult show featuring a cast of wacky characters. And that show was ECW Wrestling.
- Sharknado has an 82% "Fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes so why don't we just burn everything and Salt the Earth right now.
- Platypusicane! starring Paul Hogan as Dirk Outback, discoverer of the platypus, and whose saliva is the only antidote to its deadly venom. Shannon Elizabeth co-stars.
- They replay A Case of Spring Fever before the movie.
Bill: COILY IS YOUR GOD NOW.
- The fact that the guy who wished for springs to disappear, only for them to come back, and for him to talk nonstop about springs to his buddies while golfing. Implying, among other things, that he talked about springs for the entirety of their hours long car ride to the course.
- The Running Gag at early on in the film when characters refer to Fin as some of Ian Ziering's fellow Beverly Hills 90210 cast members, including Tori Spelling.
- As a white Bronco passes by in one shot: "Hey, O. J."
- As the main characters head into a liquor store: "Look out, gin. Tara's home!"
- Tara gets mocked a lot, and every time it's hilarious. "Oh, look, she's trying to act! How sweet!"
- "She hasn't been the same since Uwe Boll stopped returning her calls."
- When some sharks are raining down on a retirement home, and one lands in a pool where an old man is floating near the edge.
Bill: (as the old man) Finally, sweet death is upon us! (grabs old woman and pulls her in) Come on, Ester!
- Many comments on the horrible continuity:
Bill: (shot of a completely calm day on a sunny beach) Meanwhile, ten feet away from the hurricane-slash-shark attack.
- The show debuted the new RiffTrax bumper, which included, among other things, Navi being chased by Gargamel holding a butterfly net and Edward Cullen being staked by The Mighty Thor; as a Mythology Gag, a shot of the Satellite of Love can briefly be seen. The intro included a new song by Jonathan Coulton and animated by Harry Partridge.
- The pre-show cards included:
- Anagrams: Cdae Yaereg
- Hahahahahahaha, seriously, Cade Yeager is Marky Mark's actual character name in Transformers 4
- Anagrams: Garema
- A GAMER (what, you were expecting something else?)
- Spoiler Alert: Godzilla wins - Bambi Vs. Godzilla
- Spoiler Alert: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes turns out to be a commercial for Dawn's new ape-friendly dish soap.
- Spoiler Alert: Apparently Godzilla is some kind of supersized lizard. Who knew!
- Spoiler Alert: The television series Twin Peaks contains two peaks. Sorry for ruining it!
- Hollywood Lingo: "Uncanny Valley" - When a CGI or animatronic character looks almost human and evokes feelings of unease or digust. (See also John Leguizamo.)
- Hollywood Lingo: "Alan Smithee" - the pseudonym used by directors of cinematic disasters, was retired in 2000. It's since been replaced by "Uwe Boll".
- Hollywood Lingo:: "Reboot" - pinata full of cash
- Movie Mistakes: Using the term "canon" to refer to the series of cheap movies about the big rubbery dinosaur.
- Movie Mistakes: Caring who directs Ant-Man
- Movie Mistakes: Forgetting how to train your dragon, thus necessitating the sequel How to Train Your Dragon 2.
- Movie Mistakes: Jet Jaguar
- Movie Quotes: "I hear he's a very nice person in real life." - the closest to a positive review any recent Adam Sandler movie has received
- Movie Quotes: "Some men just want to watch the world burn. Others prefer comfortable shoes." - from The Dark Knight Gets Into the Shoe Business
- Movie Quotes: "Some men just want to watch the world burn. Hey, have you tried these bacon-wrapped figs?" - from The Dark Knight Won't Stop Recommending Bacon-Wrapped Figs
- Movie Quotes: "Some men just want to watch the world burn. Typical Scorpios, am I right?" - from The Dark Knight Dates a Woman Who's All About Astrology
- Movie Quotes: "@!#?@!" - Q*bert: Live in Concert
- Movie Quotes: "What the?! Where the hell are the Owls of Ga'Hoole?!" - Guy who thinks Guardians of the Galaxy is a sequel to Legend Of The Guardians The Owls Of Gahoole
- Did You Know? The mayor and his assistant in 1998's Godzilla are based on Siskel & Ebert. In fact, the whole movie is a lot like Siskel and Ebert (present day).
- Anagrams: Cdae Yaereg
- The biggest laugh came from when Nick buys pregancy tests from a clerk. The scene is strikingly familiar.
Broderick: Do you have any at-home pregnancy tests? Especially ones that look for gonadotropic hormones or clomiphene citrate?Mike: (as clerk) Oh hi, Johnny, I didn't know it was you! Where's doggy?
- Many riffs on New York. One line brought down the house in the Regal Union Square Stadium 14 in New York. When the Audrey and Animal are going down a wrecked subway station, Kevin exclaims, "Still better than the G train - am I right, New York?" It was followed by another line that caused the New Yorkers to explode in applause: when the station begins to shake, Kevin states that it's either Godzilla or NJ Governor Chris Christie approaching.
- After one too many scenes of Jean Reno complaining about American food, the guys get fed up.
Bill: American coffee! Movie critics! Emmerich's grudges explode across the screen!Kevin: GODZILLA!
- After two ships are attacked and the crews are left paddling in the ocean, they insert this exchange between two crew members;
Ted, my heart will go on!I don't care, Bob!
- The film has a scene with three helicopters called Echo 1, 2, and 4. They get a couple good jokes out of the odd numbering.
"This is Echo 3, can I land now?""Shut up!"
- One of the times Jean Reno shoots out a security lock and kicks the door down.
Bill: Sacre BOOM!
Roaché: Elvis Presley. He was the King.Mike: And somewhere, Uncle Jesse nods his approval.
- On Tatopoulos' Captain Obvious statement about islands.
Tatopoulos: An island, water on all four sides...
- Many riffs on how little anyone seems especially bothered by the carnage:
Caiman: And many people are not happy about it.Kevin: They're 'not happy' about the mass casualties!
- Shout-Outs to other famous Toho kaiju:
Bill: Meanwhile, King Ghidorah, desperate for attention, keys some guy's car in Toledo.
- When Audrey yells at the TV that it's "Gojira" not "Godzilla"
Kevin: Whatever you say, female neckbeard!
- When Zilla munches on a helicopter:
- Steam rising from the sewer manholes can only mean one thing: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are totally baked!
"Dude, our sensei is a talking rat!""Heh, Donatello does machines!"
- When the army gathers up tons of fish for Godzilla
Soldier: Alright, you bastard, time for supper.Mike: Golden Corral's new slogan.
- The crew's lampooning of Mayor Ebert.
"Next thing you know, she's going to be saying that video games are an art form!"
- The gang's reaction to the inexplicable usage of the word "sweets".
"Sweets? What are you, a 1980s English grandma?!"
- The reaction to Niko singing "Singin' in the Rain".
- Noting that Godzilla uses its fiery breath only twice in the whole film, to almost no effect:
Mike: Oh, I guess his pilot light was out.
- The pre-show cards this time around:
- Movie Mistakes: Optimism for Ghostbusters 3.
- Movie Mistakes: Peter Jackson bought a Hobbit movie from a spooky old gift shop, got it wet, fed it after midnight, and it turned into three Hobbit movies.
- Movie Mistakes: On the DVD box set of Anaconda, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Anaconda 3: The Offspring, and Anacondas: Trail of Blood, there isn't a snake swallowing its tail.
- Movie Mistakes: There are no Wendigos in Anaconda, a major oversight to this one weird guy at the office who won't stop talking about Wendigos.
- Spoiler Alert: True Detective season 3 will star Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
- Spoiler Alert: Despite the misleading title, Liam Neeson's movie A Walk Among The Tombstones contains no frozen pizza. Thumbs down.
- Anagrams: DRCALU NUTOLD (next card) DRACULA IT'S BEEN TOLD SEVERAL TIMES
- Anagrams: SSSSSSS (Hint: It's a 1973 horror film about snakes starring Strother Martin and Dirk Benedict.) (next card) SSSSSSS (Cheer if you got it!)
- Did You Know?: The new TV series Gotham explores the childhood of the city's most famous and beloved heroes, Gabe.
- Did You Know?: Your friend who was really into the Guardians of the Galaxy comics before the movie came out is lying.
- Did You Know?:
Jennifer Lopez, star of tonight's movie Anaconda, also has a new butt song.
- Movie Quotes: "What's in the bag, a shark or something?" - Nic Cage, finally vindicated in the film Nic Cage Has Dinner at the Shark-In-a-Bag Cafe
- While introducing the film, Bill accidentally refers to Jennifer Lopez as Jennifer Lawrence. Hilarity Ensues once he is informed of the mistake he made.
- This bit:
Jon Voight: You're in the jungle.
- Many of the actors' performances were spared, with the exception of John Voight. The riffers had something for him in nearly every shot.
Sarone: This river can kill you in a thousand ways.Kevin: Drowning, crocodiles, psychotic hitchhikers... no, wait! Forget that last one!
- Especially about how incredibly, obviously evil he is:
- Bill pointing out the infamous reverse waterfall.
- When a certain actor falls into the river:
"The water is colder now because it has an Ice Cube in it!"
- Early in the movie, Eric Stoltz and J-Lo are watching the glow from a large group of fireflies. Stoltz mentions how the male fireflies communicate using "big, masculine flashes". Leading to...
Bill: Speaking of "masculine flashes", ZZZZIIIIIP, FLOP!
- The anaconda attacks a character in the kitchen.
Kevin: Ah, so since the kitchen doesn't have buns, hon, the anaconda DON'T want none. (the audience groans, applauds) WE HAD TO DO IT!
- The pre-show cards this time around:
- Depressing Christmas Specials: Lyman's Christmas alone after John Arbuckle kicked him out and kept Odie for some reason.
- Depressing Christmas Specials: Christmas in Balloonland note
- Movie Quotes: "By the way, Katniss, I loved you in Anaconda." - Peeta, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay note
- Yet another "At Your Fingertips" short, entitled "Sugar and Spice" about making molded candy decorations.
Kevin: Now we're at the point where this film answers the important question: are egg cartons grass?
- At the end, the narrator suggests they can eat the molds (made entirely of sugar and food coloring): "Enjoy a nice big helping of diabetes, kids!"
- When Santa gets a letter from a boy asking for a new brother:
Kevin: Well, Santa's gonna get bizzzzzaaayy!
- While Pitch gloats over his plot to make three little boys misbehave:
Mike: "Meanwhile the other devils are causing a terrible famine in Africa."
- During the montage of Santa's child slaves:
Mike: The British kids' performance was so bad we're not even going to show it.
- All the jokes pertaining to Santa's helpers from all the countries.
- The African kids pretty much didn't need a riff thanks to the Unfortunate Implications of how they are depicted, although there is a joke about how this is Christmas for Gov. George Wallace.
- Because the Japanese kids have absolutely no enthusiasm at all, the riffers claim they've reached "Someone threatening to kill their dog off screen" levels of excitement and that the one on the left is trying to blink a message for help to his parents.
- The kids from the Caribbean: "This song is called, "Please Don't Let Johnny Depp Make a Fifth One."
- The German kids sing an apology for trying to invade other countries, and say they'll "try" not to do it again.
- When focused on the group of kids from South America, the riffers think that some of the Argentines are actually German.
- The American kids, which consist of a boy and girl dressed as cowhands and plucking awkwardly at guitars: "Woody and Jessie's album was very poorly recieved."
- One of the kids in the Mexican delegation is clearly a marionette.
- Santa introduces kids from "The Orient"; this is after China and Japan have gone. Cut to a belly dancer and snake charmer as the very confused riffers try to figure out which of the many countries of "The Orient" they come from.
- About halfway through this interminable sequence: "To answer your next question, there are one hundred and ninety-six countries in the world..."
- All the jokes pertaining to Santa's helpers from all the countries.
- One of Pitch's evil thoughts whispered to someone sleeping: "Eat gluten!"
- On a close-up of Pitch's face: "You can barely tell that it's Ron Perlman under that make-up."
- When the devils dance around during their introduction, Kevin starts singing "I hope I get it!". This was actually the contest-winning guest riff.
- Due to the god-awful dub, when Lupita's mom tells her the story of Christmas, it sounds like she's saying "the birth of Craig" instead of "the birth of Christ". Craig immediately became the riffers' new god and got a couple of callbacks later on.
Mike: (as Lupita's mother, as she does the Sign of the Cross near the end of the film) Thank you, Craig.
- The Running Gag of Lupita's dad being addicted to cockfighting, which is why they're broke. His first reaction when he sees Lupita's doll is to to try and figure out how much he can hock it for.
- Yet another Running Gag of Merlin's walking. "Doo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo-be..."
- As Santa is losing weight in order to fit down chimneys, the low angle shot makes it appear to the riffers that Santa is about to take a crap.
- Bill and Kevin re-enacting King Theoden's rally cry as the Rohirim arrive at Peleanor Fields in The Return of the King as Santa prepares to head down to Earth, with the Nashville audience joining in with the "DEATH!" chant.
- While Santa is reading children's letters:
Santa: "I have been very obedient..."Bill: It's from Anastasia Steele!
- One riff involves Lupita pointing out the Fridge Logic of her father trying to find a job at 4:00AM on Christmas Eve.
- Keeping up with the tradition of using the Teletalker as the basis of a dirty joke, one line mentions how Santa, while he's delivering toys, has his helpers keep Merlin away from the machine while he's gone.
- As the evil trio plan yet another attempt to capture Santa Claus:
Boy: As soon as Santa Claus lands on the roof there, all three of us will jump on him! We'll tie him up, and stick him in a sack..."Bill: And we'll blame it on the West Memphis Three!
- Among the songs played during the pre-show includes a new song from the Rifftones about the effects of a computer virus on Miku Hatsune.
- The short was the final "At Your Fingertips" video. With the guys remarking how bored the kids look while building boats out of garbage.
- Prior to the first Johnny/Lisa sex scene: "For those of you who associate positive things with the word 'sex,' that is all about to change."
- Bill comparing Johnny's naked body to the body "Weird Al" Yankovic had during the Rambo sequence in UHF.
- During the spiral staircase sex scene, Bill and Mike act out just how difficult, awkward, and painful sex on a spiral staircase would be, and really getting into it...and Kevin is just standing there laughing his ass off.
- "Oh hai, darkness, my old friend!"
Johnny: If more people loved each other, the world would be a better place!Kevin: He just wrote a Music/Coldplay song!
- When Lisa offers Johnny a drink:
Lisa: If you love me, you'll drink this.Mike: Seven words you don’t want to hear Bill Cosby say.
- A topical Take That
Mark: I hate playing girl's gamesMike: Oh no, Mark's a Gamergater!
- During the first sex scene, the awkward position of the characters lead the guys to assume Johnny must have had a "hip dick" installed. This becomes a running gag throughout the show.
- The Running Gag of Mark's random remark that he's thinking of moving to a bigger place since he's making a lot of money.
- The fact that afterward they played a commercial advertising Tommy Wiseau's underwear line. It's almost as bizarre as The Room.
- When Johnny, Denny, and Mark make terrible chicken noises at Peter.
Mike: The entire Bluth family then left the theater, disgusted.
Coming July 9th! Miami Connection
Coming October 1st! Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (Jack and the Beanstalk Version)
Coming December 3rd!
Total Riff Off
Killer Shrimp N' Friends
- During the segment about Marley, the untrainable, thong-swallowing dog.
Mom: My daughter called to me saying, "Mom! Mom! Something's wrong with Marley!"Mike: She's behaving!
- The crew react at the horrifying habits of koalas.
Bill: So they're a ball of diarrhea, wrapped in chlamydia? Still no different than David Spade.
- During the first segment about the mantis shrimp:
"The mantis shrimp is the little Joe Pesci of the animal kingdom."Mike: He carries a shine box.
- The whole setup even without the riffing as Richard Terry tries to come off as some kind of action hero on a grandiose adventure gives the riffers plenty of material to work with.
- When announced that a mysterious bat-like creature was terrorizing a Central American village.
Kevin: That's just Christian Bale getting in character.
Richard Terry: He described the bat as big as a vulture and having huge black beady eyes.Kevin: It sounds like he was describing Gary Busey.
Bill: The only flying demon was the huge loogy he hocked up!
- The Running Gag of Richard Terry overhyping creatures.
Bill: Birds, or as I call them, Mayan Beak Demons!Kevin: (on a snake) A wingless monster bat!
Richard Terry: I'm trying to find something frightening with large eyes that would frighten the local populace.Kevin: You know, something that would cause a billionaire orphan to wear tights and fight crime.
Mike: I was just decapitated by a huge demon bat! Oh, wait, I just hit my head on the bathroom stall door.
- After Richard Terry describes his sweat combining with bat guano to form "a lovely, thick guano soup".
Mike: Okay, now the program has become truly scary.
Richard Terry: I wanted to learn more about vampire bats.Mike: So I read a book called Twilight.
- On a shock-cut to a close-up of a grinning bat:
Mike: (as bat) Hi. Now I'm in your dreams forever!
Richard Terry: "They believe that there are good bats that protect the village and demon bats that attack them."(shock-cut to a grinning bat)Kevin: (high-pitched voice) "I'm the good bat!"
- Earlier there's another shock-cut bit:
- Near the end of the show, we're introduced to "one of the world's foremost experts on vampire bats."
Kevin: "Whom they really should have hired in the first place instead of Our Host."
- Translating what a local is really telling Terry: "Do...something else...with...your life."
- On an old man's relationship with a goose named Maria:
Kevin: Even Joaquin Phoenix's character in Her thinks this relationship is kinda pathetic.
- On finding out Maria is actually Mario.
Kevin: The goose's hatred of Koopas should have been a clue.
- The entire Running Gag of the legend that is PAUL!
- On a cocker spaniel named Bullwinkle that specializes in finding cadavers.
Bill: Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a cadaver out of my hat!
Dog Trainer: (holding human foot) I'm gonna bury it. I'm gonna put it in some rubble...Mike: That's what Fred Flintstone said during his affair with Betty.
- Several riffs on the fact that they have actual human remains on hand to test the dog with:
Bill: "I notice that they're still not addressing the question where these remains are coming from."
- When they first announce that they'll be using human remains, Bill gives a startled "Huh?"
- Slow-motion close-up of a barking Malinois:
Kevin: "I'm from Hell!"
Richard Terry: It's just... thick brown soup down there.Mike: Welcome to "Some Guy Says Vaguely Gross Phrases"!
- As Richard talks ominously about his search.
Kevin: AAAH, A MONSTER!!! Oh, wait, that's just a small weed.
Kevin: Man V. Common Species just doesn't have the same ring to it.
- A snake suddenly lands on a car hood while it's driving down a highway.
Narrator: Sometimes they find themselves starring in an unofficial sequel to Snakes on a Plane.Bill: But with much higher production values.
- On raccoons.
Narrator: They don't make good pets.Bill: But they do make good guardians of the galaxy, however.
- As a turtle humps a workman's boot.
Mike: (as turtle) Yeah, call me Dr. Scholl, baby!