Funny: Red vs. Blue aka: Red Vs Blue The Project Freelancer Saga
Pretty much every episode of Red vs. Bluehasis a Crowning Moment of Funny. These are the best ones.
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The Blood Gulch Chronicles
In the Relocated commentary Burnie Burns stated flat-out that if a joke is funny enough, the continuity gets temporarily suspended so it can be used, in the particular case the "Sister falling through the ice" joke.
The iconic Warthog/Puma exchange from Episode 2, but also Sarge's casual threats to kill Grif:
Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep! Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
The best part of that bit is how willing Simmons is to comply:
Simmons: "Oh, I'll do it, sir!"
There's also Sarge's extremely sarcastic confirmation of Grif's questioning that the war is over.
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor! I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
In the middle of that, there is
Sarge: See these tow hooks? They look like tusks. Now what kind of animal has tusks.
Grif: A Walrus
Sarge: God dammit, didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
"Oh, no!I'm the team-killing fucktard!" "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"
"I can't believe Church shot me." "Oh, don't even START, Caboose!"
And right before that:
Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt. Church:... I see... (Aim somewhere off-screen, and shoot) Caboose: Oww! My foot! Church: Well, looks like Caboose just hurt himself! Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc. Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely...
"I just wanted you to know. I always hated you. I always hated you the most." "I know. Now shut up and die, you prick."
From Episode 10:
Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up behind him, pulled Jimmy's skull out of his head and beat him to death with it.
Tucker: Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: Alright, you! Doc! Get over there and help Caboose! Doc: My name isn't Doc. It's Dufresne. Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that. So from now on, it's Doc. Doc: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic. Tucker: What's the difference? Doc: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic makes them more comfortable... While they die. Tucker: Mental note: Don't ever get shot.
From episode 51:
Church: I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. [Beat] And very top.
From Episode 78, Church calls dibs on a spaceship:
Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship. That's ridiculous.
Church: Yes I can. Dibs. See, I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my spaceship, tomato can.
Fight! Fight! alternate ending had some good moments. For instance:
Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us covering fire! Caboose: Okay! (gets into the tank) Church:And don't shoot me this time! Caboose: Okay! (does exactly that) Church:SON OF A BITCH! Caboose: ...wait. What was that first part again?
Also, Sarge is the first one killed. Then he gets back in the fight, to Tucker's surprise.
Sarge: Aha! Got you, Blues! Tucker: Sarge? I thought you were dead! Sarge: I was dead! Doc revived me! (Doc jumps into the shot) Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I'll be more than happy to hel- (is shot by Sarge) Doc: Son of a bitch! Sarge:Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (is shot by Sister) Sarge: Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
Church: Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!
Sister being convinced that Washington is a cop, including the urban legend that cops have to admit that they are cops if directly asked. When Wash points out that isn't true, she decides that since he knows that, that means:
Church and Caboose's "reunion." Complete with sniper rifle.
Caboose: (while Church shoots at him... and misses) I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me?!
Washington: I'm not insane. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body.
Which leads to a Funny Background Event of Washington disposing the body. By shooting it several times with a rifle, throwing a grenade on it, burning it with a flame thrower, loading several explosives on it and detonating the explosives. He may have had some issues he was working out there.
In Episode 7, it is revealed that central command has a keyboard shortcut for reporting Caboose's team kills.
In the sponsor's cut of one of the episodes, Church complains in front of Delta how the AIs are always yapping and being annoying. To which Delta responds (in his typical superficially emotionless tone), "...I am going to ignore that..."
Washington: EMP?! You have got to be fucking kidding m—
In chapter 7 along with Awesome Music, is that when the second team (Sarge, Caboose and Grif) are dispatched to Tucker's location, they start the Warthog... and then they drive to the lake. One panel later they appear in the next beach preceeded by the "Jaime y Los Chamacos- Los Dos Laredos/Acordeones" from season 1.
Possible Fridge Brilliance but the Warthog uses hydrogen fuel and the fuel equipment can crack hydrogen from a water source so...
While stuck in the middle of a minefield, Grif takes advantage to tell Sarge exactlywhat he thinks of him. When Sarge shoots at him with the shotgun, Grif doesn't even flinch.
Grif: I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect- *shotgun blast* who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has a much shorter effective range than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
And then when CT announced they'll get them out Grif then realizes Sarge will now kill or seriously maim him ask him to forget that with a slight whimper.
In general, the scenes in the minefield were hilarious. Ranging from "what's a step?" to both Sarge and Caboose not knowing their left and right. In the end, Grif gives up and just decides to "fuck it" and hope for the best and then drives off.
Simmons is trying to contact Sarge via radio, but it's broken. He asks if Lopez can fix it.
C.T.: THAT'S IT!! Either you're here to investigate us or you're complete idiots! Either way, I'VE HAD IT. Tell me where the blue guy went or I'll shoot the orange one (cocks gun).
Sarge stares at him blankly
Grif: Dude, I can save you some time. You just picked the wrong guy to threaten. It'll make sense once you get to know us.
Donut is inspecting the currently empty Blue Base when the Meta shows up. Donut, having missed out on the previous season's fun, simply thinks he's a new recruit and starts to introduce himself. Simmons comes looking for him...
Donut: Hey! Yeah, Simmons! Iï¿½m inside the Blue Base! Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier!
Simmons: [from outside] What? They sent another team member? Why would they do that? [entering the base] That doesnï¿½t make any se-OH FUCK! Welcometotheneighborhoodseeyoulater!
Sarge's eulogy for Caboose in Episode 9 (With "Taps" playing in the background).
Sarge: Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today, or rather not to Heaven. To whatever fiery pit you send Blues to, so they can suffer in eternity. You could've taken Grif. But you didn't. Again. Not sure why—it would've been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing...
Caboose: ( finally falls out of the sky after having been launched into the air last episode) air...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (THUD!) Wow! Now that was a big explosion!
Grif: Blue guy's back!
Caboose: I was really high. Did anyone get a picture?
Sarge: And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize but you could've just had him land on Grif and squash him. That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it. Like I said not really my place to criticize. Okay the end amen.
C.T.: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
The fact that, in a deleted scene, not only does Epsilon!Church have Two Girls One Cup in his memory, but the fact that Caboose's grandmother was apparently part of it, and that TUCKER HAS SEEN BETTER. Although those may count more as Squick than funny.
When Simmons is confronting the Meta with a rocket launcher, we get this exchange.
Simmons: Alright you bastard, prepare to get "Simmonsized".
Simmons fires a rocket which misses the Meta and destroys a motorcycle that Lopez had just built.
Simmons: Well fuck me.
A couple of rockets hit the Meta forcing him to retreat. Lopez comes out with a massive rocket launcher.
Lopez: ¿Usted dijos "Simmonsized"? (Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized"?)
Lopez: Cierre la cogida. Usted rompio motocicleta. (Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again.)
Episode 16, when Epsilon-Church accidentally shuts off his short-term memory while trying to access his long-term.
Tucker: Jesus Christ, don't let him talk to me anymore!
Epsilon!Church and Caboose: Okay, don't talk to him.
Tucker: I can't fucking believe I have two of them now.
Episode 18's subversion of a Big Damn Heroes moment, where Tucker comes charging in with a Brute Chopper, looking like he'll land directly on top of the enemy... only to overshoot and crash into a bunker.
Simmons: It looks like you overloaded his time-distortion unit. It looks like you caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow!
Doc: Alright! Score one for the pacifists! How do you like me now, Meta!
Simmons: Um, Doc, I wouldn't get to close to him if I were you.
Doc: Why? What's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?
Simmons: Well, technically he's not actually moving slower. He's moving at the same speed, just over a longer period of time.
Simmons: It's relativistic. His fist is still moving at the same velocity, we're just viewing it at a faster timeframe. Therefore, it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should carry the same force.
Doc: (looks at the Meta again) Nah, see, he's moving slower!
(camera zooms in on the Meta's fist, which lightly taps against Doc's helmet)
Doc: Woaaauugh! (goes flying into Blue Base's walls, and gets stuck there)
Simmons: See? That's what you get for arguing with science. Bitch.
The Meta chasing Epsilon-Church like a cat and a laser pointer.
In Episode 5, when Grif and Simmons have to hide Epsilon quickly:
Grif: Uh... (looks at Epsilon, who is immobile on the sand)
Epsilon: Don't do it, you fuckERRRRRRRRRR... (goes flying into the distance as Grif punts him)
It gets even funnier when they're being confronted and Grif told Simmons to be cool (and not give away what just happened). Simmons, having just come back, have no idea what's going on.
Simmons: What the-? Grif! What are you doing?!
Grif: Shut up, man! Be cool.
Simmons: Be cool? (aliens come upon the scene) Whoa! I mean, what's the 411, daddy-o's? Me and my homy were just hangin' all up in here, deserts...ville. It's all good! You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?
Grif: What the fuck are you doing?
Simmons: You told be to be cool!
Grif: Right. So what the fuck are you doing?
I found the Meta's refusal to pull Doc out by the codpiece extremely funny, as well as Wash refusing to try when the Meta asks. Also, the Meta's tantrum after finding the Epsilon unit in the desert, which involves lots of snarling, hissing, and grenade throwing.
A moment for episode nine has three members of the red team coming into the abandoned base. They had decided to give themselves names based off of the states of the USA, like the Freelancers, in order to trick the computer that watched the door. Things didn't go quite as planned.
Grif: I told you guys that stupid plan wouldn't work.
Simmons: That's because you said your name was agent Pluto!
Sarge: Luckily, we had a contingency plan to fall back on.
Grif: Sarge, shotgun to the face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that.
Shiela: (broken and riddled with bullet holes) Hello, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility.
Sarge: Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun to the face can be a plan in a variety of situations. For instance, (points gun at Grif) watch how quickly is cures insubordination!
Episode 9: "Is it possible to ambush someone who's beating through a metal door to get to you?"
"Humens suk!" *Arrow pointing to dead stick figure* -> "Shisno"
Episode 10: Appropriately titled "This One Goes to Eleven", the episode opens with the Reds running in abject fear, as Tex is on the warpath.
F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm! Security breach—level Alpha! All personnel report for duty! This is not a drill! (Simmons, Grif and Sarge run through, with Sarge laying cover fire with a shotgun) Simmons: RUN! Grif: Oh, crap! Where is she?! Simmons: I don't wanna die!
(after waylaying Grif, Tex, who is now standing above him, points Grif's shotgun at him) Simmons: Oh, no! Grif! Grif: Yikes! (Tex pulls the trigger...and finds out it's out of ammo) Sarge: (as Tex repeatedly pulls the trigger) Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself! You've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility! Grif: Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness saved my— (Tex steps on Grif, then grabs the barrel of the gun and winds up like a golf club, aiming right at Grif's nuts) Grif: (cowering, holding up a traffic cone)Protect me, cone! [WHAP!] (Grif gets knocked into Simmons, bowling him and a teleportation gate over) Simmons: Watch it! Grif: You watch it! Sarge: You idiots! Let me show you how it's done—(eats a left hook from Tex)—ugh! Simmons: Nice demonstration, Sarge. Sarge: Ah, shut up.
"I feel defeated! Yet inexplicably rejuvenated!" Said by Sarge while covered in med-kits.
Caboose: Great! I saved Tucker! (Beat) Oh, wait...I saved Tucker... Tucker: Caboose! What the hell are you doing?! You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was supposed to distract her for him! (Tex overhears the communique, and turns to see Simmons loading a rocket) Simmons: (panicking)YOU RATTED ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
The amount of shots to the nuts that Grif took would be enough to render the man sterile. The funniest one being the very casual one where Tex pops up through a portal, looks at Grif's groin, then punches them directly.
Seven in all, with two of them being hard enough to crack stone.
Tucker: (as the crate lands) I can't believed that worked! (Close-up reveals the ground caved beneath Tex, who is now holding the crate up) Tucker: Oh, fuck! That didn't work! F.I.L.S.S.: (to Caboose)I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a Bad Ass.
Their opponent hits Tucker so hard, she knocks the black stuff right off his armor.
Sarge: She knocked the black right off of him!
Tucker: (groaning in pain) That's racist.
The climax of the episode:
Sarge: (as Tex turns and runs) You're all clear, Simmons! Now shoot her! Simmons: Fire in the hole! (fires rocket launcher) (Tex runs with the rocket right on her tail... then jumps into a portal, comes out another one lying on the ground, and runs towards Simmons and company with the rocket still chasing her) Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me?!RUN! (Sarge, Simmons and Tucker try to run, but bump into one another and get nowhere. Tex then runs up to them, leveling all three with a single clothesline without breaking stride; when she sees Grif, she baseball-slides between his legs.) Grif: (seeing the rocket still chasing Tex) Oh god...(covers his crotch) not like this! (The rocket flies harmlessly between his legs.) Grif: Oh thank God...I thought I was— (He turns around to see Tex dive into a portal, while said rocket impacts the pile of med-kits and oil barrels from earlier) Grif: Fuuuuuuuuuucked!
Most memorable, and hilarious, would be what happens at the end. After Tex sends the Reds and Blues flying with a huge explosion (where Grif flies the highest due to the involvement of an oil drum), she starts nudging a concrete divider a few inches using her foot, stands back to survey her work... and then Grif lands on the divider nuts-first.
Episode 11: "Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl!"
"I did it! I...not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made me touch it!"
And the Brick Joke from the last season, where Caboose is the only one NOT effected by the Armor-lock, since he's still wearing the old-style helmet.
The whole dialogue between Grif and Simmons at the end of Episode 15, where they discuss upgrading armor. Specifically, Grif wants Simmons to hook up an invisibility attachment so that he could nap whenever he wanted.
Grif: I would be completely unstoppable.
Simmons: Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that.
Grif: Totally stoppable. Already stopped.
Simmons: No man should have that kind of power.
And then what happens afterwards... Simmons accidentally gives him a super-speed attachment...which tires him out so much he takes an impromptu nap when it deactivates. Success?
Episode 16, after the conversation between Tex and Church, we cut to Wash in the desert. Not only can you can see the Meta beating a dead Alien with his 'Knifle' in the background, you can still hear the noises when Doc and Wash are talking.
Episode 18: Doc is not overthinking it. Also has a few touches of awesome.
Washington: ...I'd say the cavalry's arrived, but the I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before.
Church: Uh, is it possible for a fragment of an Artificial Intelligence encased in a robotic body to piss its pants? 'Cause I think I just did.
Caboose's increasingly futile attempts to keep the Reds from gaining access to the door at the Freelancer outpost in Episode 9. When the door starts getting dented from the inside, Caboose just slowly walks away, head down, endlessly muttering "excuse me", "pardon me" and "coming through" until he walks down the hall and out of sight.
Starts off strong with one in the very first episode.
(as the Reds are testing their new rocket turret ...on the Blues)
Tucker: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.
Caboose: I dunno, I think Church was right. I think I just torqued in my pants.
And again in episode one, when Tucker and Caboose realize that Donut isn't a girl despite his pink armor.
Church: Was that Donut?
Tucker: I don't know. That's the chick who was working on the Jeep.
Church: He's not a girl, Tucker, he just wears pink armor. It's a guy.
Tucker: Hey. It's one of the rules of the cliff, dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.
Episode 2 has North spotting two heat dots coming up behind South through his thermal scope, and South turns around, gun aimed at... a very surprised guard carrying two cups of coffee.
The way Episode 2 ends is particularly amusing in the very non-professional way North and South are ordered to stand down.
Insurrectionist ODST: Attention assholes! Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file now! You will be taken into custody! We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!
Grif suddenly has a cleaning tick. It's just so plain wrong, it's funny.
Church: Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy!
Simmons: He is going to wash his hands for a week if he hears you say that.
"Donut, don't track mud in here, you know better!!"
I think Episode 7 should be watched. Any description would ruin it.
Well, the last half, anyway. Suffice to say, Tucker gives Church tips on how to attract women. With Caboose standing in for the woman.
Church: You want Caboose to be the woman!?
Tucker: Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for you to play a man. Trust me.
Both teams' individual discussions in Episode 9: the Reds talking about how good Lopez is and the Blues first trying to comprehend Church's explanations YET AGAIN and then the whole grenade discussion.
Tucker: Hey, you dropped a grenade.
Church: That's not one of mine. Caboose, pick that up.
Caboose: I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember? Because of that one exploding time? Whichï¿½ was no oneï¿½s fault.
Church: Well, I didnï¿½t drop it! Tucker, count yours.
Tucker: I have a readout on my helmet, dummy, I don't need to count.
Simmons: I never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'
And before that, when Tex shot Lopez, who everyone thought was Simmons.
Donut: "We had so much left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could've talked! You could've told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Tex: "Uh, maybe I'll let that one live... It might demoralize the rest of them."
Tucker: "... Good idea."
Tex: "C'mon, let's pack it in."
Tucker: "Does anyone feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?"
York seems to be getting a lot of these:
York: (while hacking a door) Man, whoever designed this lock is a genius.
(alarm goes off)
Carolina: You were saying?
York: Okay, I take that back. Whoever designed this lock is an asshole.
Wash saying his Catch Phrase in reaction to the bouncy gun. And then getting tackled before he can finish.
Wash: "What the hell? It bounces? Who designs a gun that bounces? This is the worst gun ever. Of all -oomph!"
What makes that scene even better is that you have the badass action music in the background and Shark Face preparing to fight Carolina and Wash. Then the camera cuts to Wash saying the above quote, and the music abruptly cuts off at the same time.
Hell, everything Wash says during Episode 15 is a Funny Moment.
As the Mother of Invention is charging up the BFG, York channels Bugs Bunny, handing the transmitter to the leader of those that had just been holding them at gunpoint, saying "Hey man, would you mind holding this for me for a sec?"
During an awesome freefall battle, after a jetpack-equipped Tex has just knocked him and the package into the Pelican
In order to bring Epsilon!Church along, they put him in Tucker's armor like any other AI. He claims that Tucker's storage unit is so "disgusting" that he had to delete 50 gigabytes worth of data just so he could fit.
Tucker: You didn't delete my "Home Movies" folder, did you? Church: And that brings me to my second complaint...
One of Blood Gulch!Church's catchphrases turns out to be inherited from the director himself.
Wyoming's face (he has a MUSTACHE!) is hilarious. Seriously, he looks like the kind of guy who likes tying damsels to train tracks!
The post-Washington conversation interactions with Carolina in Episode 6. First, Caboose accidentally hits on her... then Grif agrees with Simmons about her being bad news, leading to this answer from Sarge.
Wash eating inside his helmet (complete with magic changing fruit!) because Delta told him it would make him "more efficient". Apparently pre-Epsilon Wash it not only naive and innocent, he's also gullible as a fish.
That's not the best bit - not only is he trying to eat inside his helmet, he is implied to be succeeding, if the changing food is anything to go by. He is eating entire fruits in between cuts away from him. Looks like it is more efficient after all.
That seagull that gets shot in Episode 7 is standing on Wyoming's head.
For further entertainment, read the milk carton floating nearby.
Wash freaking out over 479's "cut the engines and plummet" method of arrival.
Washington: Please don't say "crashing"!
Delta is calmer, but still thinks ahead to make a backup of himself. 479 calls him out on it.
And, of course, Carolina and York teasing Wash as they're falling:
Washington: I think I'm gonna be sick!
Carolina: Y'know, Wash, these suits are supposed to eliminate all waste. You could probably throw up in your helmet, and it would take care of it.
York: Yeah, you should test that.
Washington: You two are assholes!
delta then chimes in with "we never did get the vomit patch out of beta"
Also, the shot showing all the stuff the Blues captured from the Reds. It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it, but there's the banana loaf Doc and Donut made the Reds.
Doc asks if the others want to remember the good times they've had. They... kinda don't.
Tucker: The "good times"?! I was stranded in the desert! Simmons: We were almost killed! Sarge: I learned my entire military career was a lie! Donut: And I got shot! Wash:*looks away and whistles innocently*
The Gilligan Cut between the Blood Gulch guys and the UNSC pilots.
Caboose:MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE. AND I. HATE. TAXES!" Grif: It's "Texas", you idiot! Caboose:THAT TOO.
Grif, yet again, ends up getting hit in the nuts repeatedly by the Tex copies, to the surprise of no one. Even funnier because he just managed to avoid one by the timely intervention of Carolina, only to be hit by a completely different Tex. And off screen, while Epsilon was talking to Tex, he was hit with a Groin Attack by twenty Tex copies at the same time. Tucker thinks that Epsilon not stopping it before that was still Worth It, though.
In episode 22, we finally learn the identity of the Mysterious Blue Guy. Not only is he Flowers, as camp as ever, but he was also Agent Florida - apparently, the Counselor had fun fabricating the "Poor Florida" incident.
The credits for season 10 show one of the security people as Joe the Cat.
Episode 1: When Sarge decides to remodel the Red's new base, whats his tool of choice? The Blue's tank, which he happily uses to knock out a few walls, with Grif still inside of course.
"Possession is nine-tenths of the law! The other tenth is a tank. And I've got both."
Wash seems to have fully assimilated as the group's Only Sane Man.
Wash: Sarge, the reds and blues aren't fighting. We're just camped at opposite ends of the canyon... in color-divided teams... while heavily armed. Sarge: True. But have you ever considered that fighting is just in our nature? It's almost instinctual. If we're not constantly trying to stab each other in the back, we'll surely die. Wash: Dear God, I hate you. Sarge:That's the spirit!!
Episode 2: In an argument, Wash insinuates that Tucker caused the crash.
Wash: I have a hard time believing that thousands of well trained crew members were to blame for the incident. Tucker: Well they definitely didn't survive it! Ha HA! ha... *coughs* Wash: Wow. Tucker: Y...yeah. Wash: Are you proud of yourself? Tucker: ...No.
During a discussion on Grif's non-existent construction skills:
Sarge: I asked you to give me a proper erection, not to stiff me! Simmons:So glad Donut's not here.
The "flashback" in episode 3.
This interaction between Tucker and Wash from episode 3:
Caboose shows up and runs the same course. In about two seconds. While babbling to himself at light-speed.
Wash: ...I...think that's enough training for today.
Simmons is being driven to his breaking point by Grif's laziness, as the two are essentially room-mates due to Sarge's decision to divide Red Base into two sides.
Sarge insists on using an imaginary door to cross the invisible boundary between his side of the base and Simmons and Grif's side.
Simmons volunteers using their spare robot kit to help Wash repair the comm tower. Sarge dismisses this idea...on the conclusion that building a whole robot to help fix the comm tower will be much more efficient.
Washington and Grif go into the second floor of Red Base to look for the tool box. Combined with Simmons' commentary and Sarge's insistence on building a robot.
While "helping" Washington repair the comm tower, Tucker gives a surprisingly accurate description of how the GPS (Galactic Positioning System) on the crashed spaceship was supposed to have worked. Naturally, Washington asks him how he knows about this. Cue a flashback with Tucker listening to a crew member give the exact same speech, sounding disinterested...until he decides to try hitting on the female pilot. Which somehow results in alarms going off. Back in the present:
Washington can't find his soldering tool. Tucker asks if he thinks Red Team took it. Washington proceeds to pick up a shotgun and deliver a hilariously tongue-in-cheek imitation of Sarge:
Washington: Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire it at our walls! That'll fix it! (beat, in his normal voice) Yes, I think the Reds took it.
This leads to Washington expressing why he's so wound up—Tucker is right. (More specifically, that someone should have found them by now...)
Lopez 2.0 is online. And guess what? He still speaks only Spanish!
The new Lopez actually seems to have a rather friendly disposition, compared to the original.Knowing the Reds, though, this Mr. Nice Guy attitude should be gone by the end of the season.Although the original only became jaded and cynical, 2.0 tries to KILL THEM ALL!
Episode 6! Caboose introduces his new friend Freckles the Mantis! Cue Mass "Oh, Crap!" from the Reds and Blues, and a WHIMPER from Grif.
Just to properly emphasize the reaction to Freckles the Mantis, you could easily tell that if they weren't wearing helmets, jaws would have hit the floor. Including AGENTWASHINGTON.
The best part is that the introduction comes after they finally make contact with someone on the outside (even though it was Donut). The two teams are ecstatic and make plans to eat all of their rations and waste all their bullets (while Wash tries to talk them out of it), then Caboose comes up to them with his own good news.
Washington: (Losing his temper) I said, (hits the radio) be QUIET!
And oddly enough, the radio starts working right then. With some help from Lopez 2.0, of course, but still...
Episode 7 has Grif forcing Simmons to confront the strange reality that none of them are able to not hold a weapon (due to it being a Machinima). This creeps Simmons out enough that he forgets why he was talking to Grif; to try and make him take out the garbage.
Even better when it's revealed that this was all a plan by Grif in order to get out of taking out the trash.
Episode 9 had Sarge's extended paranoid rant, but this point takes the cake.
Immediately following is Sarge's Bat Deduction popping up again, this time making being a pacifist into being blood-hungry.
Sarge: Yea, but think about it! You can't spell pacifist without fist, which you need to throw a punch. That always leads to fighting, the precursor to a full-out battle! Which is ultimately the first step on the inevitable road to war! Violence is unavoidable Doc. Time to just admit that you've got a pacifist's natural-born lust for murder!
In episode 12, Grif and Doc discovers a stack of high-tech energy cubes. Grif's idea of a finding out what they do is to throw them at stuff and see what happens, ignoring Doc's pleas for caution.
Doc: What is wrong with you?!
Before that, Grif finds a small pistol that shoots modules that stick harmlessly to whatever they hit. He tries one out on Doc. The next few minutes play out without anything happening, and Grif's about to convince Doc to grab one of those pistols and join in the fun. Then Sarge comes up and tells them to get back to work, and for Doc to pull off the sticky-module and toss it aside. As everyone walks away, none of them notice that the module explodes.That'll be relevant about six episodes later...
Near the end of episode 12, Sarge finds a heavily-armored mech in the ship. He likens it to seeing a pretty girl on the first day of school. It's actually pretty cute, until...
Sarge: ...Now, imagine that the pretty girl is armored with a titanium poly-alloy, and outfitted with fifty-millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
Doc: She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
Grif: She sounds like I'd need a safe word to date her.
And then while they're trying to figure out how to move this giant mech, Sarge suggests taking it apart and moving it piece by piece, in carrying cases if need be...while still using the "pretty girl" analogy!
Doc: Yeah...I think your dating metaphor took a turn into serial killer territory.
Grif: No, these are cool! Do not ruin them for me!
Episode 14 shows Grif shirking on cleaning the base in order to test the teleportation cubes. Out of frustration, Donut snags a cube, throws it onto Grif's stuff, and then throws it all the way across Exile... straight into Blue Base, right by Simmons.
What's even funnier is that whether by accident or on purpose, it looks like Tucker's doing a double-take as he hears that last part!
This little punctuation to Caboose's latest set of orders is both amusing and oddly adorable
'''Caboose: Assistant Captain Best Friend Freckles, Initiate piggyback sequence! (leaps onto Freckles' back who proceeds to take him back to base)
Lopez 1.0 demonstrates to 2.0 the one reason he likes the Red Team: that he can say anything he want to them and they won't know what he's saying!
Following the heartwarming speech Washington gave to Caboose, Caboose tries on the new helmet Wash made for him. Tucker compliments Wash on his scheme, while Wash admits that he meant every word. And then...
Caboose: Uh oh. I-I can't see anything. Hello?
Tucker I think you need to work on your craftsmanship.
Caboose: OH, MY GOD! I'M BLIND!
Washington: One step at a time, Tucker.
Red Team finally gets their robot, the Cyclops, built...and it turns out that Sarge's comparison to a beautiful lady isn't that far off the mark! Only two problems. One, Grif's laziness resulted in several missing parts. Two, she considers everything. to be a hostile...including Red Team. Oh, and three: she ran out of power because Sarge converted her to diesel instead of power cells. Afterwards, Sarge and Grif have this conversation on room for improvement:
Sarge: Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
Grif: Fuck that! She needs to be thrown off a cliff!
In episode 16, Doc finishes patching up the leg wound of the mysterious orange-accented soldier (A.K.A. Felix), who points out that he still can't feel his toes. Donut cheerfully observes that this is apparently normal.
When Felix claims that the Blood Gulch Crew has a reputation for being the galaxy's greatest warriors, the team's reaction is mixed:
Caboose continues to have problems with his helmet's visibility system.
We continue to learn that the crashing of the ship at the beginning of the season was the fault of more than one person when Simmons wonders how they ended up all the way across the galaxy. Cue a flashback from Sarge...
Crew Member:Sir, please! You can't be back here! These engines are delicate!
(Sarge throws a switch, and alarms start blaring. Cut back to the present, focus on Sarge)
Sarge: Er...one mystery at a time there, Simmons.
Felix explains his job:
Felix: I'm a freelancer.
(Everybody instantly points their Noisy Guns at him)
Felix: "No, n-no, I mean I'm a mercenary! A gun for hire!"
In Episode 17, Tucker manages to fix the visor of Caboose's new helmet...but somehow screws up its voice chip.
In episode 18, as the fight unfolds, Lopez 2.0 inside C.C.'s frame is going on a rampage until Donut steps in. His revealing that he can speak Spanish (poorly) starts out funny, then quickly becomes awesome.... and becomes funny again when he calls Dos-Point-Oh a "teriyaki pencil circus."
Felix gets ambushed by a Fed, and immediately turns and throws a combat knife at the guy, killing him instantly. He then takes a Tiger Woods pose.
Felix: I am fucking awesome.
When Grif is telling the troops the story of the final fight with The Meta (a story that isn't really that exaggerated), he has the troops in utter awe.
(After being told The Meta was defeated by hooking him the Warthog and shoving it off the cliff) ...that is the most metal thing I've ever heard.
When Simmons shows up, Jensen asks him if The Meta really had the strength of 10 bears, Simmons hesitates for a few seconds before bumping it up to 20.
Smith, Caboose's lieutenant, translating Caboose's rambling into something inspiring... And loving the idea of Kool-Aid on tap.
Simmons: My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!
Palomo: ...But we're not in America.
Then there's Grif campaign pitch which was basically calling dibs.
Jensen getting so nervous that she 'chokes on her own spit' and collapses for a moment.
The rescue squad decides to test their skill by trying to take out Felix. Cue montage of failure after failure, ranging from a Offhand Backhand shield to the face to a training grenade reversal to a call back to Achievement Hunter for Tucker alone.
Tucker:*Jumps out at Felix* Tucker: Surprise Motherfucker! Tucker: *Falls off cliff immediately* Tucker: Son of a bitch!
At another point, Tucker throws a grenade at Felix yelling "Catch!" Felix proceeds to do so, counts a couple of 'Mississippis', then throws it back at the now fleeing Tucker, and fist pumps when it works.
Simmons' overly complicated hand gestures to Grif during another ambush attempt, including snapping in Z formation, and Grif's reaction to them. Bonus for Felix walking up and realizing what they were doing, and simply punching Grif (seen via helmet cam).
Grif: At what point did you think I understood that?
Seriously it's hilarious in-universe so well it attracted a crowd with Felix commenting he hadn't heard those guys laughing so much.
The exercise routines. In the running, Caboose is winning, and Grif collapses. With the push-ups, Caboose is simply counting "thirty-three" over and over as he does push-ups, while Grif and Bitters are lying on their sides tapping their fingers. It's minor, but amusing.
During the aforementioned Offhand Backhand incident, Felix can be heard expressing his concerns to the female medical officer that he may be too good-looking.
Felix's Not so Above It All moment when he sticks his tongue out at Tucker and only realizes it isn't effective with a helmet in the way when Tucker asks why he's still just standing there.
The fact that every time it cuts to the people watching the failure montage, the crowd has increased in size until it's about 10 nameless grunts alongside the team. All of them are in hysterics.
Tucker finally tries to hit on Kimball it goes very badly.
Kimball sheepishly admitting that the pond beside her "nice thinking place" is full of radioactive algae
Tucker: I don't know, doesn't look like there's anyone around to me. A siren blares off from the speakers around the outpost. Soldier on PA: Alright, lunch breaks over. Back to your stations people. Feds start piling out of the base and moving to their posts. Soldier on a warthog: Come on maggots, get the lead out! Move! Move! Move! Soldiers continue to move out of the outpost and set up stations around the base. Soldier in a tank: Woo! Brand new tank, coming in! This will kill any intruders for sure! Tucker: I hate my stupid mouth. Grif: I hate it more.
The Feds' Armed Farces moments when their lunchbreak ends and when they rush to save their possessions from being ruined by sewage.
Fed Soldier:This is what we've been training for!" Another Fed Soldier: Christ! Last nightwas taco night! Yet Another Fed Soldier: WE NEED TO SAVE OUR SHIT FROM THE SHIT!
Washington trying to stay composed while Sarge rants and raves while they are still 'captives':
Washington: I have an idea. Let's play the quiet game. Donut: Ohohoho. It. Is. On! Sarge: Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash. Now is not the time for games! Now is the time for action! Come on, help me get out of these cuffs. There's a certain someone in this room that I feel like bludgening to death! Donut: Just use your feet, Sarge. If he fights back, I'll beat him off ya! Sarge: You're not thinking, Donut! That'll just alert more guards. Donut: Well if I can't beat off a room full of dudes, then what have I been training for this whole time? Washington: I would really like to play the quiet game, please.
General Dorian Doyle meeting the captive Red and Blues. Followed shortly after by him fainting in front of the captive Red and Blues in his own base, surrounded by several of his men.
Washington, Sarge, and Donut confronting General Doyle:
Washington: So you sent your men to kill us?! Doyle: Absolutely not! Sarge: I've got a few cracked ribs that beg to differ! And a headbone that strongly disagrees.
Lopez's triumphant return:
Sarge: Bienvenidos, Robo-buddy! You're back in the world of the living! Viva... la Viva. Lopez: Yo no estaba muerto. Mis miembros simplemente dejaron de funcionar y ellos tiraron mi en la basura. Fue la experiencia más agradable que he tenido en años. Translation: I wasn't dead. My limbs just stopped working and they put me in the trash can. It was the most enjoyable experience I have had in years.
And the follow up reaction:
Sarge: No need to thank us!
Lopez realizes that Locus can understand him and completely panics.
Lopez's subtitles: HOLY SHIT. HE'S BILINGUAL. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME
When Lopez is turned back on, his system displays say:
English.exe failed to initiate Sarcasm module 100% Life forms detected: 1 - Idiot 2 - Loud Idiot 3 - Agent Washington
The fact that he gives more respect to the guy who practically shot him to death than his own teammates is funny in itself.
Doyle revealing how low he was in the command hierarchy before enough of his predecessors ran away or died.
Doctor Gray. While she's happy that Doyle wasn't seriously hurt, she did entertain the idea of experimenting on her commanding officer's fresh corpse. Then she's off to amputate some limbs with all the creepy gusto afforded to her.
Her happily explaining that due to how bad the Civil War has gotten, there are virtually no civilians left and there are no people not in Power Armor left alive.
The lovely quote from Donut. "If I can't beat off a room of dudes then what have I been training for?"
Donut's idea of setting up a perimeter.
Donut: (yelling) Hey! Just so you guys know, you better not come over here! Lopez: Usted avergonzar a ti mismo. <You embarrass yourself.>
The uncomfortable and somewhat shocked reaction of the Reds and Blues seeing a FED soldier disintegrated in front of them.
Tucker's reaction to seeing Epsilon Church.
Church: Miss me, assholes?! Tucker: You fuck! (Jumps at him, passing right through the hologram and falling on his face)
Church: Huh... Wasn't expecting that.
Episode 11: While Church is working on a game plan for Carolina's fight, he's having a conversation with all the other AI. Which includes Delta suggesting he get a dog to combat loneliness, and Theta getting all excited about the idea.
Church's snarkiness has not gone down in the slightest.
Carolina: How long until transfer?
Church: About forty-five seconds.
Carolina: And you can't make that go quicker?
Church: That should give you enough time to deal with the three security personel who are about to come through the door.
Carolina: What? Which door?!
Church: (exasperated) There's only one door! They just set a breaching charge by the way.
Bordering a bit on Tear Jerker, Caboose trying to say he did not miss Church.
The Reds comparing the Blue's bickering to daytime soaps.
Sarge: Heh, this is better than any daytime television drama. And that's some quality programming. Donut: Maybe Church will turn out to be someone's long-lost brother. Grif: I think we've had enough plot twists for one lifetime. Donut: And his real name is Horatio! Sarge:I'd watch it.
We finally see how Simmons contributed to the crash. He was updating the navigation system
When Carolina say she thinks the ship was crashed there by 3rd parties:
Simmons: So what you are saying is, there's no way any of us could be responsible for the crash. Carolina: I... Well.. Yes. Why do you ask? Everyone else:No reason!
Grif refusing to part with his new laser weapon has a few highlights:
Donut cheerfully accounting how Grif broke down after the UNSC confiscated the "Grif-Shot" (Meta's old grenade rifle).
Grif and Sarge butt heads over handing the weapon over:
Sarge: Damn it, Grif! Hand over that laser this instant!
Grif: You can't tell me what to do! I out-rank you! Again!
Sarge: What the—?! (Angry muttering, followed by hefting his shotgun) Well, let's see you out-rank the end of my shotgun!
Grif: (Raising his laser weapon) Uh, done. Fucking space-laser, bitch.
Church ends up ghosting into Grif to make him hand over the weapon...which is covered in grease, much to Carolina's disgust. And apparently, Grif himself is pretty greasy, much to Church's disgust.
Caboose's little talk with Wash about the fate of Freckles.
Washington: ...Caboose. I'm not really sure how to tell you this. Beat Without both confusing you, and breaking your disturbingly fragile heart.
Caboose: I'm an emotional ticking time bomb!
Washington: (Sighs wearily) Jesus Christ...
Caboose treating the flashdrive Freckles like a real dog.
Afterwards, Wash is privately reflecting on how it's nice to have everyone back together. Cue the Moment Killer:
Grif: (Off-screen, shouting) Back off, lady, or I will put you in the ground!
Caboose's excitement at seeing his life flash before his eyes.
Grif and Simmons bantering is called pillow talk. By everyone.
Gray promises to make food out of fungi and algae when the group returns. Wash kindly asks her not to.
Wash talking to Tucker at the beginning after watching Grey chew out Carolina about using her speed enhancement with a bad leg.
Agent Washington: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a civilian lecture a Freelancer like that. It was pretty entertaining, actually. Tucker: Hey Wash, you got a second? Wash: I swear if you want me to look at another rash I'm gonna kill you.
After Washington gives Tucker his best attempt at a pep talk, Simmons walks up to ask the ex-Freelancer to help with Carolina's interrogation of their new prisoner. More specifically, Simmons is hoping that Wash can calm Carolina down:
Carolina: (shouting off-screen after hitting something) "WHY WON'T HE TALK?!"
Church: Yeah, you'd better be happy her mother's not around to hear you say that.
When Dr. Gray joins the conversation, asking if the prisoner's awake, Grif points out that he's betting that he won't stay that way long—specifically, he thinks Carolina will rip his spine out within the hour. Simmons takes him up on those odds.
Palomo tries to think of the "Super Elite Team" as The Avengers, citing that Smith is Captain America, Jensen is Black Widow, and he's Tony Stark. Bitters disagrees and claims that if anything, Palomo is Hawkeye...movie Hawkeye, which prompts a violent response from him.
PSAs and Other Videos
The end of the "Real Life vs. The Internet" PSA, where they come to politics:
Church: Look, that's just the way I feel about it.
Sarge: Well I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
Church: You deserve to DIE! Die and go to hell and be burned!
Sarge: Oh, yeah?! Well, I hope you get raped! Twice! Maybe then you feel different! Jerk!
Grif: We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to WANT to find them! That's the way it works!
Simmons: I VOTED FOR NADER! I HATE EVERYBODY!
Doc: Would you like to change your home page to moveon.org?
Donut: Politics make me soooo horny! Check out my webcam picks at presidentialsluts.com!
The best part of this whole exchange is that the domain name presidentialsluts.com is registered to Geoff Ramsey, Grif's voice actor
"You may be asking yourself: what is fire? If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You'll probably ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass."
In their Olympics PSA, Sarge gets the idea to give medals of enriched uranium to the losers.
Dr Halsey: Do you have it? (referring to the package)
Caboose: No, you won't let go of it.
Dr Halsey: Say the words please.
Caboose: The words please.
When Caboose gets dropped off back at Blood Gulch from orbit.
Caboose: Goodbye. Thank you for the ride. You are my new best friend and I will never forget you. You probably can't hear me though because everyone knows there's no oxygen on a rollercoaster. I am yelling quieter now because I am further away from you.
Caboose: Yeah, the universe sure is mysterious. But, you know, what if we did solve all the problems? What then? Would we just live on, forever, happy in our triumph over ignorance? Or is ignorance just a common enemy that, once destroyed, would leave our species without a reason to carry on? I guess it doesn't really matter what the answer is, because even if we could attain supreme knowledge, the thought of it just wouldn't keep us together. In the end, people will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here. WATER BISON POWERS ACTIVATE!
From the Online Survival PSA:
Discussing how to deal with Internet Trolls with a Red and Blue Battle Creek Zealot each playing the role of a troll. Just hearing SARGE saying this is hilarious:
Sarge: (trying not to retaliate) Frowny emoticon...!
During the PSA's released to announce Halo4's release date, Sarge and the Reds are trying to keep the release date secret from the Blues so they won't know to pre-order. The camera then cuts to Tucker and Church, who then casually reveal that they already knew the release date and have pre-ordered. Also, Sarge's song about the date so that they remember.
The Gadgets PSA, providing a satire against how new seeming gadgets get replaced by even newer ones.
Simmons: Ah, Jesus!
Church: What's that noise?!
Simmons: It's my cellphone. Donut must have borrowed it. He's always overclocking the vibrate setting and calling himself.
The Voting Fever PSA; it's a Call Back to their Halo 4 announce date videos; with Grif and Simmons trying to trick Sarge into thinking they were out to vote. Sarge forces them to do a pro-voting musical number; with a chorus of ODSTs joining in and Grif having no clue about how elections work. To top it all off, it's revealed Sarge used the song as a distraction to steal their place in line to buy Halo 4.
York's Image Song "Come On Carolina", where he complains she's "always being such a bitch" and needs to "stop kicking me", and suggests "playing Halo 4 naked" and "having babies with green eyes".
The teaser for Season 11. To elaborate, it begins with two random soldiers talking, with one of them (Dennis) giving a rather truncated summary of everything the Blood Gulch Crew's been through up to this point, while his friend (Jerry) keeps demanding to know how this is relevant to them:
Jerry: I love you.
Jerry: You are my friend.
Dennis: I know.
Jerry: I enjoy our Tete-a-tetes.
Dennis: Our what-a-whats?
Jerry: But if you do not tell me what the hell all this has to do with us in the next five seconds, I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU!
Eventually, it turns out that the two guys were supposed to greet the ship that was transporting the BGC...and that said ship hasn't shown up. Naturally, Jerry starts wondering where they are. Cue the Gilligan Cut to the BGC standing before the smoking wreckage of a massive transport, now marooned on an alien world. And the more things change, the more they stay the same:
Caboose is right for once. As far as we know, it really wasn't his fault.
During a live event, the RT crew did a live table read for the then upcomming 'MIA' miniseries. While the regulars were doing the assorted voices (with Bernie doing Vic), they had a pair of audience members doing 'nariation' and 'sound effects'. At one point, when Vic is dialing the phone, the sound effects guy made the touch tone sounds play Mary Had a Little Lamb.
Gus: Hey, don't steal the spotlight.
Sound effects guy <bows to the crowd>
Also, at the end of the 'call', 'Vic' ab libs that Sarge and Doc sound alike. 'Sarge' replies that they don't, but why doesn't he call up Church, or even Lopez.
The 'Match Breaking' PSA with Tucker and Simmons giving advice on how to get a date/to get laid. Funny overall, with a guess appearance of Sister, it ends with a Warthog driven by Carolina, with Gray and Kimball, running Tucker down.
Tucker: Lavernius Tucker, love doctor extraordinHURGWAAauh Carolina: Nobody here had a problem with that, right? Kimball: Not at all. Dr Gray: Nope!
Prior to this, Simmons runs off after a date he'd stood up (because she'd sent him a ;), which was "getting too serious") shows up - after having spent the night with Tucker working the rebound.
Sarge and Caboose go camping. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Except that they go camping in Minecraft.