Brian Regan's riff on the whole air travel experience here
George Takei and his response to a homophobic basketball player's public statement. "As a gay man and a human being, I was shocked and saddened. But I want you to know, Tim. On behalf of gay people everywhere, that despite your ugly words, we don't hate you. As a matter of fact, we like you. We like you very much." *porn music starts playing* Just watch it. Someone on the Internet calls this announcement "setting phasers to PWN," and it's not hard to see why. (It turned Awesome and Heartwarming a few years later, as the player in question has rethought and has spoken in favor of gay rights and in support of politicians who do.)
Takei did it again to a school administrator who posted on line that gay kids "should all get AIDS and die". Takei's response? Mr. McCance, you are... a douchebag", followed by a countdown to when McCance would be revealed to be gay himself (alluding to numerous anti-gay bigots who have been outed, like Ted Haggard) Doubles as an Awesome Moment.
There was a tornado warning in near Lake Okoboji in Iowa several years ago. The people caught in an amusement park congregated in a large building set up for an event. In the midst of the complete terror of not knowing whether the the storm would swing toward the park, and torrential rain pounding down, two pizza guys showed up who had been called to deliver food for the event (the warning was repealed eventually).
Better still is when the British Marines 'misplaced' Gibraltar and wound up invading Spain and scaring several fishermen. The real kicker is that Gibraltar is a 1,400 foot tall rock. One can't help but wonder why they actually landed when it should have been obvious they were in the wrong place.
The Wicked Bible. Best. Typo. Ever. For the record, it's Thou shall not commit adultery.
The look on Obama's face when he realizes that he, the president, just cursed in a room full of cameras is priceless.
Joss Whedon's offer to buy the Terminator franchise for $10,000, and his proposal for what directions to take the franchise. Seen here.
This is itself a reference to a similar "offer" by Lorne Michaels to give the Beatles $10,000 to reunite on SNL. The best part? It nearly worked, as the show is live and Paul was visiting John in New York at the time. The two saw the bit, nearly went, but decided against it at the last minute.
A sketch several years later when Paul was musical guest had him trying to collect 1/4 of the money from Lorne.
The Boston Molasses Disaster of January 15, 1919. A 2-million-gallon molasses tank burst and flooded Boston at a speed of 60 km/h, killing 21 people. Yes, it's a tragedy, but it is kind of funny.
For those unfamiliar with English idioms, there's an old saying used to mock people - "You're slow as molasses in January". So the irony of that event negates the tragedy of it.
03:55:33 <Mook3> Dude where did you get an earth magnet!?
03:55:43 <Mook1> used them at work ...
03:55:43 <Mook2> You can buy them. o.o
03:55:44 <Mook4> I'll guess hard drive
03:55:50 <Mook1> small magnets... but totally powerful
03:55:53 <Mook3> oh..
03:56:02 <Mook1> had one in my hand, when i was gesturing..
03:56:07 <Mook1> next minute is CLINK
Canadian Brian O'Dea began smuggling marijuana and cocaine to the United States, Great Britain and Canada, and by the 1980s had skillfully built his "business" into a multimillion-dollar operation, becoming a very rich man in the process. Unfortunately, by the end of the decade he was addicted to drugs and was finally captured by the Drug Enforcement Administration and convicted. While in prison, he cleaned himself up and became a legitimate businessman after being paroled. The Crowning Moment comes when, in an effort to find work, he took a series of ads in The National Post advertising his services as a business manager and executive, openly admitting his criminal past as a drug dealer and claiming that his success in building his dope-smuggling ring as proof of his management skills. What makes this even more hilarious is that he got almost 600 job offers in response.
Back twenty years ago, "Toughman" competitions were a popular crowd draw for a bar. People voluntarily (to the extent "voluntary" and "drunk" can coincide) sign up to box three one-minute rounds, winners get a cut of the take. Contestants tend to be long on liquid courage, short on technique, and the crowd can be harsh if the fight lacks drama. One such fight had the two guys completely gassed halfway through the second round, they could hardly raise a glove, much less make a punch. The crowd let its wrath be heard, but one leather-lunged fella made his point clearly above the din: "Hit him with your purse, you pussy!"
Despite the panic it probably caused, this quote is outrageously funny.
Ronald Reagan: (during live soundcheck) My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.
The entire Russian military went on full alert for half an hour.
After Gordon Brown was caught on microphone calling a woman "bigoted" in his car during the 2010 British general election campaign, Labour's senior leadership try to relaunch their campaign by unveiling a poster. During an outdoor speech by Lord Mandelson in front of one of the new posters, a car crashed into a bus shelter nearby. You can see the PM and ministers' heads turn to follow it.
Mandelson: ...creating tax fairness, making sure that... (eeeeeeeeekCRASH) ...making sure that our pledges...
Even better was the driver's sketch of the incident on his insurance claims form - as well as including a sketch of his car crashed into a phone box (rather than a bus shelter) and a passing refuse lorry (which he alleged had bumped him into the shelter), he included a drawing of a crowd of frowning stick people, one bearing the label "PM" (Prime Minister), standing in front of posters saying "Labour are not rubbish". Snappier than the slogan they actually had, and conveying the same message!
British actress Joanna Lumley - of The New Avengers and Absolutely Fabulous - has long been a supporter of the rights of Britain's Nepalese Gurkha soldiers to settle in Britain and receive the same benefits as British-born servicemen. After being dicked around by the government for several years, and accused of being a shill for the opposition, she held a BBC press conference to set out her case in May 2009; the government attempted to overshadow this by holding their own press conference at the same time with Immigration Minister Phil Woolas. By coincidence Lumley and Woolas bumped into each other on the way to the studio, and in full view of the press cameras the formidable Lumley proceeded to intimidate a flustered Woolas into granting all the concessions she had demanded, live on TV. Photographs memorably showed the MP visibly flinching from Lumley's withering Death Glare.
It gets even funnier because initially the White House Press Office tried to keep a lid on the photograph, fearing that the press would portray him as afraid of even a cute little bunny. Instead, the press portrays him as bravely facing down a Killer Rabbit.
In the '80s, a Welsh farmer got so annoyed with Royal Air Force transport planes flying low over his property that he painted "Piss Off Biggles" in giant letters on the roof of his barn. Upon which the RAF began using the barn as a navigational landmark, though apparently they did respect his wishes and flew higher.
Many animals will puff out their fur in an attempt to look larger and more intimidating. This includes guinea pigs. Guinea pigs.
Humans actually still have the capability to puff out their fur, despite most people not having enough fur to pop out. We call them "goose bumps".
This video from a Star Wars Weekend at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Darth Vader and a few Storm Troopers dancing to U Can't Touch This. Equal parts funny and awesome.
Same show, different year: Darth Thriller. They tend to go all out with the Vader dances.
When Dave Barry did the Bad Song Survey, one of the people who wrote in (named Lee Jones) told the following story: "During high school, I played electric bass in the school jazz band. The night of the final spring concert, we were performing one of our band director's favorites, MacArthur Park — a song well established in the Pretentious Trash Hall of Fame. We got to the very end of the song, the band plays 'BOM! BOM! BOM!'; the band director pauses to give the signal for the last crashing chord...George Roth, a senior trombonist, stands up (in the front row), slaps his forehead, and says, 'Oh, Jesus! The CAKE!'"
The Westboro Baptist Church is a group of deranged bigots. The San Diego Comic-Con is the Shangri-La of nerds. When the former protests the latter, it's war... with signs. It's both a CMoF (for the signs and the chant of "What do we want? GAY SEX! When do we want it? NOW) and a Crowning Moment Of Awesome for being able to embarrass the bigots enough to make them slink away.
Quote from when the WBC fail to show up:
On the day of the canceled Westboro Baptist Church picket, there is still extra security around the school
Student: Shame, isn't it? All this preparation and nobody shows up.
Security Officer: Just as well, if it starts raining they might have melted.
WBC vs. Anonymous. Just watch. It's hilarious. WBC had no clue who they were messing with.
Cats + Laser pointers + Linoleum floors = EPIC LULZ. Especially if you play so long they end up dizzy.
It works with most dogs too. And Toddlers.
This is actual test footage of the F-22 Raptor. They're testing its ability to come out of a stall - a situation where the aircraft has absolutely no thrusting power and is essentially falling of its own accord - so it's easy to imagine how scared the pilot is. However, the short conversation at the end (or in this case halfway through the video) is just priceless.
Pilot: Holy sh[censored].
Control tower: Copy that.
Several funny incidents with the Space Shuttle:
During one launch, near the end of powered flight, a flight controller is monitoring the main engines, which are about to shut down, and also the valves on the external tank, which are not supposed to close while the engines are running, or else the vehicle will explode. The valves closed just before main engine cutoff:
Controller #1: YIKES!
Controller #2: We concur.
Steve Hawley, a mission specialist, made the most hilarious comment when his flight was aborted on the pad when the main engines shutdown:
Steve: Gee, I thought we'd be a lot higher at MECO!
A rather morbid CMoF: the Islamic Republic of Iran re-named Winston Churchill Boulevard in Tehran to Bobby Sands Street after the latter died in his hunger strike against the British. The funny part? This street happened to be where the British Embassy was located. The embassy was forced to move their entrance to another part of the building to avoid having their most famous political dissident's name in the address on their official embassy letterhead. Yes, the Khomeini government may have been rigid Islamic fundamentalists, but apparently they were also capable of being total wiseasses when the occasion called for it.
Mike Huckabee walks onto an airplane. A bunch of people say things to him like, "I'm sorry, Governor," and "I voted for you for President." Then, this one clueless guy says, "I know who you are—you're Mitt Romney."
A tweet from a New Zealander in response to Harold Camping's failed rapture prediction in May of 2011: "No rapture here. Just as well. Another delay into the filming of The Hobbit would have been terrible."
During a Texas-Oklahoma football game in the late 70's President Gerald Ford was walking down the tunnel with Oklahoma coach Barry Switzer and Texas coach Darrell Royal at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. A drunk Oklahoma fan looks down the tunnel and yells "Hey, who are those two guys with Switzer?"
Hurricane Bawbag hitting Scotland, and the name hitting the net.
A lot of the comments for The Editing Room's abridged scripts.
Dance Commander: can Kirk be blocked for taking life to seriously? Or at least have the link to his website removed? Link his comments, the website is bitter and a real buzz kill
Rod Hilton: I'm going to leave his fanfic link. I think the fact that he's written well over 45,000 words of fan fiction for The Princess and the Frog serves to provide a great deal of understanding of why he hated this script so much. In fact, his apparent obsession makes his lengthy criticism of Craig even easier to dismiss as fanboyism. Besides, it's fan fiction, which is literally the only form of fiction writing less legitimate than abridged scripts (novels > plays > short stories > poems > screenplays > musicals > songs > parodies > abridged scripts > fanfic. It's a fact).
And some of the comments for the Hunger Games abridged script on Cracked:
Yayy, I finally found a new website to read when I'm bored (or in the toilet).
I'm never bored while on the toilet. Eh, eh? (Pooping is fun!)
We have an anally fixated individual here!
Where's the funny?
all up in and around your bum
I thought the same thing when the little sister gave her back the pin. I would've set it on fire and buried it ten feet underground. That s**t is cursed.
This Yahoo! Answers answer to the question "What is your worst nightmare?"
I kept having nightmares about little angels pooping on my grill. I would come out back and open it up and there it would be, angel crap every freakin where. So then the tremors started...and the night sweats...then the hot flashes. Mainly had the hot flashes when little demons started giving me tips as to where these pesky angels were hiding. Long story short I ended up grilling the angels in their own crap and eating just their heads. Last few times I woke up with and of course I pooped the bed but what are u gonna do its 2012 who cares.
Popcorn became famous in movie theaters when fat people started to become addicted to the drugs they put in it. The drugs are microscopic and have no taste or smell, so most people don't even know they are there. The drugs are more effective on fat people because of the juices in their stomachs. But very rarely the drugs can kill healthy people instantly. Source(s): True rights only love living
Less demand means that it is less economically viable to produce meat. Farmers go broke, farm disappear, it's nor much but a start. Of course the fire bombings and vandalism help to drive our message home, so we will win eventually.
Quite a few laws in many nations, many of these are based on legitimate concerns that are long outdated. For instance, the one in New York City where it is illegal for you to wash your donkey in a bath. But then there are others that make zero sense no matter what time they were written in, such as the law in Ohio forbidding it's citizens from fishing for whales...but only on sunday, the rest of the week you are in the clear. Or the laws regarding intoxicated fish.
For non-American readers, Ohio is completely landlocked.
Ohio isn't actually quite landlocked. It doesn't have any direct ocean access, but it does border Lake Erie.
Many of the CIA's plots against Fidel Castro in the 1960's and early '70's were truly hilarious and bizarre and read like material from a Saturday Night Live or Monty Python sketch. Several of these were not even assassination plots but attempts to merely humiliate Castro in the hopes that the Cuban people would no longer take him seriously and would then throw him out of power on their own (and presumably clear a path for a puppet dictator that the US could install). One such plot would have involved spraying the air ducts of the radio station where Castro made his weekly radio broadcasts with a hallucinogenic drug that would have caused him to have an acid trip and make a fool of himself on the air. Another plot—which is actually alluded to in the Oliver Stone film JFK—was a scheme to have a CIA operative, disguised as a shoe shiner, "clean" Castro's boots with a hair removal agent that, once Castro put the boots back on, would have caused his beard to fall out, hopefully destroying his macho image and charisma that way. Yet another plan, which actually involved taking Casttro's life, was to disguise a bomb as a conch shell in a bay where Castro was known to go scuba-diving. However, for one reason or another, none of these plots ever came to fruition, obviously.
Similarly, some of the plots to assassinate/discredit Adolf Hitler were also pretty bonkers. One involved flying an airplane over Hitler's private retreat/bunker and dropping bombs loaded with various poisonous snakes to either kill Hitler or scare the crap out of him on a daily basis. Another involved trying to spike Hitler's food with estrogen to feminize him.
During World War 2, the Germans spent a good deal of time and trouble building a wooden decoy "town" complete with wooden housing estates, wooden factories with dummy (but smoking) chimneys, wooden cars in the streets, etc. The intent, to divert Allied air-raids away from genuine targets, was slightly subverted in that the only Allied bomber it attracted was a single RAF Mosquito note the "Wooden Wonder" which made a low-level run and dropped a wooden bomb on the town.
What happens when you do not pay much attention to what your enemies do: during World War I, both the British Royal Navy and the German Kaiserliche Marine were using auxiliary cruisers (merchant ships armored and given guns to protect themselves from enemy commerce raiders. The ships would also be "hidden" with fake markings, smokestacks and others that might, from afar, make those ships look like those of the enemy. In the 1914 Battle of Trindade, the German SMS Cap Trafalgar faced the British RMS Carmania, and both of them were disguised. The fun part was that Cap Trafalgarwas disguised as the ''Carmania'', while the ''Carmania'' was disguised as the ''Cap Trafalgar''. Hilarity (and British victory) ensued.
For me, the idea of hell is the American type of parties. Or, when they ask me to give a talk, and they say something like, 'After the talk there will just be a small reception' – I know this is hell. This means all the frustrated idiots, who are not able to ask you a question at the end of the talk, come to you and, usually, they start: 'Professor Žižek, I know you must be tired, but …' Well, fuck you. If you know that I am tired, why are you asking me?
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Connie Schultz epically owns the ass of a conservative blogger who accused her of being overly friendly with a member of the US Senate. Awesome ensues.
Blogger: We are doing an expose on journalists in the elite media who socialize with elected officials they are assigned to cover. We have found numerous photos of you with Sen. Sherrod Brown. In one of them, you appear to be hugging him. Care to comment?
Connie Schultz: I am surprised you did not find a photo of me kissing U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown so hard he passes out from lack of oxygen. He’s really cute. He’s also my husband. You know that, right?
A historical example - Christina, Queen of Sweden, had two older sisters, and there were expectations that her mother would have a boy for the third child. When she was born, Christina was mistaken for a boy because she had a bunch of hair and screamed with a hoarse voice - but then it was discovered that the boy was actually a girl, which embarassed the women. However, they decided to let the king find out himself. King Gustavus Adolphus, rather than react in anger, actually smiled and said, "She'll be clever - she's made fools of us all!"
You just know that someone at the NOAA has waited years to say that.
One year after winning two Golden Globes for The Reader and Revolutionary Road, Kate Winslett was interviewed for Sky News at the Golden Globes. The interviewer said "so you're not nominated for anything tonight?" to which Kate threw her arms up in the air and said "I know, YES!!!"
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell tried to embarrass the Democratic party by presenting a piece of legislation that would allow the president to raise the debt ceiling without a vote from Congress. He believed that Senate Democrats would not bring the bill to a vote and would allow him to attack the president's desire for this exact piece of legislation. However, the Senate called his bluff, decided to bring the bill to a vote and McConnell was forced to filibuster his own bill. Whoops.
This classic report on an attempt to dispose of a dead beached whale by dynamiting it.
The police department in the West Midlands, England got a request from the Crown Protection Agency (the guys that prosecute criminals in England and Wales) for a testimony from a witness named PC Peach. Turned out "PC Peach" was actually PD Peach, with PD meaning police dog, but the CPA still demanded a testimony. One of the cops then wrote up a testimony in the character of Peach, reading as follows: "I chase him. I bite him. Bad man. He tasty. Good boy. Good boy Peach."
British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli once declared in Parliament that 'half the cabinet are asses'. When the Speaker asked him to withdraw, he replied, "Mr Speaker, I withdraw. Half the cabinet are not asses."
Camden, New Jersey, June 2009. A building superintendent places a freaked out call to 911: He thinks he's just found a terrorist cell. An apartment he just rented has been filled with nothing but two beds, maps of the city, surveillance gear, pictures of nearby buildings, and police radios. The Camden Police promptly call the FBI, who raid the place... thus taking down a secret NYPD operation that was illegally spying on Muslim college students in and around Camden. And just to add insult to injury? The superintendent who busted them is distinctly brown skinned and has an Arabic first name.
The Cornfield Bomber: Gary Foust, a fighter pilot on a routine training mission, found his F-106 entering a flat spin. After trying unsuccessfully to recover, the pilot decided to eject from the plane, but the loss of weight and the ejection process changed the center of gravity of the plane, and it recovered and went into a gentle dive. As he watched his plane gliding towards a cornfield, one of the other pilots radioed him, saying "Gary, you better get back in it."
The Order of Transfer by Judge Samuel Kent from the Galveston Division of the district court of the Southern Division of Texas to the district courts of Washington, DC of Republic of Bolivia v. Phillip Morris Companies may very well be the funniest ruling ever issued by any court in the history of jurisprudence. It is too long to quote in full here, but here's a choice bit:
[T]his humble Court by the sea is certainly flattered by what must be the worldwide renown of rural Texas courts for dispensing justice with unparalleled fairness and alacrity, apparently in common discussion even on the mountain peaks of Bolivia!