Funny / Ranger's Apprentice

  • Almost any scene with Halt on a ship, period. No matter how many times he gets on one, he just cannot get used to them.
  • Horace mentioning Will's drawing skills (or complete lack thereof). Even Malcolm gets in on it. Will isn't laughing.
    • Also, the whole sequence during the siege where Horace is bored and trying to think up a poem.
    Horace: What rhymes with Macindaw?
  • In the fourth book, Halt and Erak are tracking the Temujai army, and Halt approximates the number of horses they have, which turns out to be a good estimate. When Erak asked how he did that, Halt says that he counted the number of hooves and divided by four. It takes Erak a second to realize that Halt is screwing with him.
  • In the eleventh book, The Lost Stories, more than half of the short story "Purple Prose" might make you laugh at loud.
    • Will tries to prepare a speech for Horace and Evanlyn's wedding, so he goes to Halt and Lady Pauline. Will's speech? Many complicated words tied together to try to make a "memorable" speech. Halt's reaction of disgust makes it even better.
  • The entire scene from the beginning of Sorcerer in the North, where Will defuses a standoff between desperate Skandian raiders and his fief by inviting the Skandians to a feast at the castle. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Despite above mentions of his artistic skill, Will is pretty good on the lute. Actually, it's a mandola. He also made up a song about his mentor, Halt. It's not a very nice one, either.
  • When Will is awarded the Silver Oakleaf in Erak's Ransom, Alyss and Evanlyn are the ones to place it around his neck. Upon doing so, both of them impulsively kiss Will's cheeks and then glare daggers at each other.
    • Before then, the excessive nonchalance with which Crawley awards Will his Oakleaf.
  • Halt's obsession with coffee is often brought up and is just as often hilarious.
    • Not to mention his preference for honey in his coffee, which is treated by the other Rangers (including Crowley and Gilan) as a Bizarre Taste in Food.
    • Coffee in general seems to be the highest of Serious Business for the majority of Rangers. Halt even admits to Evanlyn at one point that if someone wanted to trap himself, Gilan, or Will, all they'd have to do is bait the trap with a pot of coffee. Take note, Morgarath.
  • In the ninth book, we are given what is possibly the most hilarious conversation of the entire series.
  • The conversation between Halt and Horace at the beginning of Oakleaf Bearers really has to be seen to be believed.
    Halt: [thinking Horace is about to ask yet another question] WHAT?
    Horace: What?
    Halt: That's what I want to know. What?
    Horace: [bewildered] What?
    Halt: Don't keep parroting me! Stop repeating what I say! I asked you "what" so don't ask me "what" back, understand?
    Horace: [very slowly] No.
    Halt: You were about to ask a question.
    Horace: I was?
    Halt: You were. I saw you take a breath to ask it.
    Horace: I see. And what was it about?
    Halt: That is what I was asking you! When I said "what", I was asking you about what you wanted to ask me.
    Horace: I wasn't about to ask you "what"?
    Halt: Then what, if I may use that word once more, were you about to ask me?
    Horace: I forget. What were we talking about?
  • In the eighth book The Kings of Clonmel Halt explains to Will and Horace that since there is no guarantee that the royal heir to a kingdom will be a good ruler, even if the parent was a good ruler, he prefers the Skandian method of election. Then later in the book after Halt unsuccessfully tries to convince his usurper twin brother, King Ferris of Clonmel to take the threat of a cult seriously, Horace follows Ferris into his dressing room and knocks him out, prompting this exchange:
    Halt: Horace Altman, what on earth have you done?
    Horace [gesturing towards Ferris's closet] I've just elected you King. Start getting dressed.
    • The funniest part is of course when Halt realizes he's lost control of the situation, and to Horace of all people.
  • A similar moment in which Halt loses control to Horace occurs when Halt, pretending to be offended, asks Horace if he's ever lied to the young warrior.
    Halt: Oh...yes.
    • Horace explains, for the benefit of Will, that Halt had once explained that a group of young women were wearing very short skirts so that they could run very fast to carry messages. Will is agog that Horace actually believed that, to which Horace responds:
    Horace: I did. Because Halt is a Ranger. And Rangers are honorable men. Rangers never lie.
    • Cue one of the very few moments in the entire series when Halt is at a loss for a snappy comeback.
    • Even better is Will's attempt to defuse the situation by pointing out a bird, and Halt's reply.
  • In "The Lost Stories", Jenny gets A Day in the Limelight when she ends up taking out a trio of bandits who elected to hide out in her house while after a robbery. That's not the funny part. The funny part is how she does it: by clubbing one in the head with a roast, incapacitating another with a set of cooking knives, and letting Gilan have the third one when he tries to get away. Chef of Iron, indeed.
    Jenny: (at the end of a long rant) ...And they had your dinner!
    Gilan: (looking over the now-beaten robbers) Well... I don't think they enjoyed it.
  • This scene:
    Halt: Do you ever manage to ask just one question at a time? Or does it always have to be multiple choice with you?
    Will: Do I do that? Are you sure?
    • Halt raises his hands in a "See what I mean" gesture, and Selethen responds:
    Selethen: Halt, I could be wrong, but I think you were just guilty of the same fault. I'm sure I heard you ask two questions just then.
    Halt: (icily) Thank you for pointing that out, Lord Selethen.
  • The end of Book 10, in which Horace proudly states that he has been named "Kurokuma" (Black Bear) by the Nihon-Ja, in recognition of his prodigious strength and mighty prowess on the battlefield. Alyss then punctures his ego by telling him that it's actually because of his prodigious appetite and mighty prowess at the dinner table. As a matter of fact, both are true, but still, it's hilarious.
  • One of the funniest scenes in the entire series comes when Will and Horace team up on Gilan, who's been teaching them to use two knives to deal with a swordsman. Will questions Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?, and Gilan responds that sometimes your bowstring breaks, and you can't run and hide because you're up against a cliff. Then Horace chimes in:
    Horace: What about an axman?
    Gilan: An axman?
    Horace: Yes. What if you're facing an enemy with a battleax? Do your knives work then?
    Gilan: Beat I wouldn't advise anyone to face a battleax with just two knives.
    Will: So what do I do?
    Gilan: Shoot him.
    Will: Can't. My bowstring's broken.
    Gilan: (through gritted teeth) Then run and hide.
    Horace: But there's a cliff. A sheer drop behind him and an angry axeman coming at him.
    Will: So what do I do?
    Gilan: Jump off the cliff. It'll be less messy that way.
  • A Battleschool apprentice made a remark about Will and Horace being sent off on a soft assignment because that was all they were good for. In Halt's hearing. When Rodney tells Arald about this, Arald asks how the boy is. Thankfully, there's no lasting damage.
  • Book 2 is also where Will and Horace's status as Vitriolic Best Buds is cemented, through exchanges like these:
    Horace: I used to think Halt was a sorcerer.
    Will: A sorcerer? He's nothing of the kind!
    Horace: Well, you used to think the same thing!
    Will: I was just a kid then!
    Horace: So was I!
  • Doubling as a Call-Forward to Book 9, Crowley asks Halt how he plans to get then-Prince Duncan out of the castle he's imprisoned in. Halt responds laconically that he'll go in while Crowley surrounds the castle.
    • Upon seeing the freezing-cold river he'll have to cross, Halt announces to Crowley that he's changed his mind: Crowley can go in and Halt will surround the castle.
  • During the civil war, Duncan makes an offhand comment that perhaps he'll poach Master Chubb from Arald, who glares at him. Duncan sits back and considers that perhaps one rebellious baron is enough for now.
  • At one point, two Rangers are sneaking up on some guards, who are already drunk and asleep. They need to make sure the guards don't wake up and raise the alarm, but are uncomfortable hitting unconscious people. So what do they do? Wake them up, then knock them out.