- "In other news; kittens on parade!"
- Olive has hired Emerson to find out who killed a jockey she used to know. Ned is worried about whether it's a bad idea to have someone they know as a client. Emerson thinks differently:
Emerson: Hang on a second, let me ask the money. (Pretends to be on the phone) Hey, money. It's me, Emerson. I'm good, I'm good. Thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you even though you were Olive's money first? Uh-huh.Ned: Wait.Emerson:Yeah, okay then. (Chuckles to himself) Thanks. (Pretends to hang up, becomes serious again) The money don't care. Touch him.
Ned: It's a random proximity thing.Emerson: Bitch, *I* was in proximity!
- Emerson has a lot of these, like this famous exchange from the pilot:
- Or Emerson's "Oooh, a 'magic' show! Where did I put that rat's ass that I could give? Oh yeah — I don't have it."
- The moment in episode 2, "Dummy", where the villain has just gotten into his triumphant monologue (which contains gems like "So what if there might be a bit of a possibility that if you drive in 70 mph with the headlights on and the seat warmer on low, a shortcircuit in the radio causes a cataclysmic chain reaction which causes it and its precious human cargo to go to smithereens!") while the heroes are trapped. Cut back to vision from inside the trap where you can see him gesticulating wildly in silence:
Narrator: As Mark Chase continued his monologue, unaware that the body bags allowed no sound through...
- Also from "Dummy": Mark, the executive trying to sell a fuel-efficient car powered by dandelions, pursues Ned, Chuck, and Emerson by chasing them in a Hummer.
- The episode where Ned goes to jail for murder and Emerson voices his concerns:
- Emerson: I don't mean to stereotype but my guess is an attractive man who bakes pies for a living shouldn't even spend a short amount of time in prison.(Chuck gives a look of hilarious dismay)
- This scene from "Pigeon", after Ned gets the information he wants from Bradan:
- Ned: His plane was hijacked.The Coroner: How did ya figure that out?Ned: (pause) DNA... ish.
- In "Bad Habit", Chuck hires someone to trace her family tree, but so he doesn't recognise her, puts on a blonde hairpiece. Later, Emerson is worried that Chuck might have given herself away by doing this, and Ned says "no, she disguised herself with a hooker wig."
- Ned's utter horror when the nun he revives starts cursing up a blind storm when she thinks she's in a crappy afterlife and someone stole her diamonds. And then his having to chase her — "Nun on the run!" — to end the revivification. "We're so going to hell."
- "Circus Circus" has the horrible hilarity of the clown-car crash, and at the end, Emerson Cod's Crowning Moment Of Deadpan Snarker:
- Emerson: (to a bickering mother and daughter) Looooooooove it. (Suddenly threatening) Love it.
- Really, the clown-car crash bears repeating, as it's an Overly Long Gag of all the clowns being wheeled out of the crashed car, and they just. Keep. Coming.
- The rhino scene from "Window Dressed To Kill". That is all.
- Emerson's Deadpan Snarker lines are just wonderful.
- "Oh, look. A dumb idea just found a friend.""Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself."
- From "The Fun in Funeral", when Emerson is stuck in the window and Chuck is trying to pull him out:
- Chuck: Remember-Mind over matter makes Pooh unfatter.Emerson: I may be stuck, but I can still reach my gun.
- "Kick, Pooh! Kick!"
- "I wanted to be a Jedi!" *asskicking ensues*
- Chuck slams the funeral director's coffin lid on him and it locks, meaning that Ned won't be able to touch him again and someone else nearby will soon die. Emerson shouts "Oh, HELL no!" and races to get as far away as possible, crossing himself the whole time.
- When a chef that Emerson and Ned are investigating gives a little Too Much Information while the two are eating, Emerson quickly stops eating, while Ned just shrugs and continues to eat.
- Specifically, the information is about how he had sex on the table Ned's eating off.
- As Olive pours her heart out to Pigby, the Narrator notes "Pigby enjoyed the warbling sounds that the nice-smelling thing that fed him made."
- In one episode, when Emerson is too shocked to speak, the narrator says his usual line "Oh, HELL no!" instead.
- And another episode has one of the week's murder suspects, attempting to explain why he's innocent, starting his expositional speech with "the facts were these."
- Ned discussing his past relationships (read while keeping his " touch -> life" powers in mind):
Ned: I've had girlfriends, but there were always extraneous factors.
Emerson & Chuck: What kind of extraneous factors?
Ned: Grew apart. Lost interest. .....had intimate relations on a bear-skin rug.
Chuck: Oh no. Did it...?
Ned: It did. Enough to be upsetting.