- Pretty much everything Herr Starr says. The further he is into his Villainous Breakdown, the better it gets.
- "I also want to know where I can find a very experienced whore."
- "Prime Minister, how much does it cost to piss in your mouth? No, really."
- "My cock is in the bitch's mouth. And not in a good way,"
- "BRING ME THE HEAD OF BILL FUCKING GATES!"
- "Moving fucking walkway, Granny Fuck!"
- "It's okay! We're filming a movie! There's Patrick Stewart! And there's Brad Pitt!"
- "Oh, I forgot to mention. He's bulimic."
- "Doom cock!.... DOOM cock!.... Dooooooom cock!"
- "Well, I'm going to spend some time with my scrotum. We may as well enjoy our last couple of hours together."
- "IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS, HOOVER! IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS!"
- "Like if I was to call you an illiterate fucking cum-sodden dickrag, you would write — HERR STARR COMMA WITH HIS USUAL SEARING INSIGHT COMMA TODAY REFERRED TO ME AS OPEN QUOTES AN ILLITERATE FUCKING CUM HYPHEN SODDEN DICKRAG CLOSE QUOTES PERIOD!" - Herr Starr explaining to Hoover the proper use of inverted commas.
- "You turned me into a Homosexual, you unbelievable prick!"
- Later, (after forcing his usual prostitute to wear a strap-on) "I FEEL GREAT!"
- "Gaze upon the face of war!"
- "Can you really see any of these people calling the police? 'It was terrible, officer. There I was, jamming a syringe full of heroin into my eyeball while fellating a billygoat, when these men burst in and started shooting people. Aren't we even safe at our own orgies anymore?'"
- "Featherstone, could you see yourself kneeling behind me with a sawfish and thrusting it into my rectum yelling 'WHO'S THE MAN, WHO'S THE MAN'? Because that's currently the only way I can achieve even a glimmer of sexual satisfaction."
- "General, I don't care if you like me, loathe me, or masturbate screaming my name."
- And then there's Starr's summary of Proud Americans for the benefit of Featherstone:
Starr: Oh, well let me see: We had an angel, a whore, a eunuch, several dozen idiots, an unkillable mick, a one-man holocaust in a duster coat, the occasional twenty-course banquet for the mother of all fat fuckers, inbreeding, family feuds, bulimia, a retarded child - always good for a laugh - and the utter destruction of our most sacred shrine and secret retreat in the detonation of a fifty-ton bomb.
- "Bob Glover. Freddy Allen. Sexual Investigators!"
- To be more specific, what they do to Starr: "There's no use strugglin', lad! You're gettin' it up the choccy starfish!"
- And then there's Johnny Lee Wombat's Precision F-Strike IN SPACE!
- After Jesse catches a punch thrown by a vampire, and tells him to hit the bricks. "Oh... and can one of you drive me to the hospital? I think I just broke every bone in my hand."
- Jake O'Hare and friends, surprise (not least to themselves) equal ops feminists.
- Cassidy, after he becomes a vampire, tries to feed on a sheep and lands just behind it in a suggestive position by complete accident just as the armed farmer who owns the sheep shows up.
"I— I can explain." (Gunshot)
(Cut back to Cassidy telling the story to a laughing Jesse.)
Cassidy: "An' if you thought that was funny, you shoulda seen his expression when I stood up an' ran away."
- In the "Blood and Whiskey" one-shot Cassidy meets Eccarius, a Purple Prose -spouting vampire posuer. Eccarius is so self-obsessed that much of what he says falls into this, mostly because it makes him sound massively gay:
Eccarius: Come. We must away. This is no place for the likes of us. We are expected at a gathering beneath the streets, and we must hasten, and go down.
Cassidy(interrupted while trying to pick up a barmaid for a date): er...
: There our familiars await us(les Enfants du Sang
, Eccarius' human groupies}, far away from prying eyes. There we may commit the dark and secret acts that our kind long for, safe from hindrance and persecution. COME, my friend! The night awaits!
Cassidy(to the barmaid): It's... it's not what yeh think.
: I like his Batman
Eccarius: The morning sun brought agonizing fire and I slipped beneath the water my assailant had emerged from, and nevermore saw that killing yellow eye. No, nor did I meet the other again, who set me free from life: and trapped me in the night forever.
Cassidy: SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!
Eccarius: Come. We are already late. A solemn underworld awaits our pleasure.
Cassidy: TWENTY BUCKS IF YEH RUB HAAGEN-DAZS ALL OVER THEM!
- When Jesse gets fed up with the infantile antics of two radio commentators talking about the nuking in the desert, he calls the radio station and uses the Word of God on them to force them to "quit yellin' slogans at each other like a couple of Goddamned parrots an just TELL US WHAT THEY REALLY WANT?" Their responses are even more hilarious than what they were saying before.
Martha: "COCK! Cock, cock, I NEED COCK! Oh Christ, poetry's not enough anymore! It's got to be cock! I WANT COCK, DAMMIT! I WANT COCK!"
Moderator: "...Well, isn't that a surprise! How about you, Ulysses?"
Ulysses: "Er... (smaller) I want cock too..."
- The Sexual Investigators' try to take down Cassidy. Cassidy punches one of them so hard that his fist gets stuck in the guy's mouth, knocking out all of the guy's teeth. Meanwhile, Bob is trying to anally rape Cass, so Cass throws him out a window with his pants down around his knees. Bob lands on top of a car and is knocked unconscious. He wakes up just in time for a Car Chase, which just cranks it up to gigglingly absurd. He ends up out cold with his pants still down, hanging from the branch (Or is it crotch?) of a tree.
- As you read, remember that this is being delivered completely deadpan in the book: "Things proceeded on, as they normally do, until the day that T.C. fucked the chicken."
- "I shall be... ARSEFACE!"
- A rare comic book version of an Overly Long Gag. One entire page contains nine identical panels of Herr Starr looking at himself in the mirror, staring at his brand new scar that makes his bald head look like a penis. In the last one, he says "Shit".
- Jesse, Cassidy, and Tulip have all bought cassettes for the long drive to New Orleans. Jesse and Tulip don't like Cassidy's (the Clash), so they put in Jesse's (Elvis Presley). Jesse and Tulip are pleased, but not Cassidy, so they put in Tulip's. Cue a preacher with the power of God's voice and a ninety-year-old vampire looking on in stark horror as Tulip sings along to gangsta rap.
Cassidy: Well why can't we just take turns?
Tulip: Because we loathe each other's taste in music, that's why...
Jesse: Or it scares the hell out of us. (Eventually they just start singing along to Irene Cara's "What a Feeling")
- Overlapping with a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, we have Li'l Tulip's "revolver incident" while learning to shoot with her dad. Also, Daddy O'Hare's... singular views about school violence.
Mr. O'Hare: Well Mrs. Carlyle, the Wright boy ambushed my little way on her way home from school on Monday. Took all her comic books and candy she only just bought. There was him and four of his damn gang, ma'am— Pardon my french. What else was she s'posed to do, 'cept wait him out and crack his skull when his back was turned?
Mrs. Carlyle: All the same, Mr. O'Hare, I simply cannot let Tulip off with this. You must understand—
Mr. O'Hare: Well hell, can't you at least get her onto that damn team now? I mean how about that swing, huh? Pardon my french, ma'am.
- "Well, dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians."
- When confronting inbred racist rednecks:
Preacher: "YOU! Where the fuck is your CHIN?!"
- Herr Star's custom-made toilet paper. Nothing illustrates Starr's decent into madness better than wiping his ass with the faces of his enemies while yelling: "How do you like it? HOW DO YOU FUCKING WELL LIKE IT?! BASTARDS!!".
- Cassidy's reckless, if courageous, assaults on the Saint to try to rescue his friends. When a threat and a punch yield a bruised hand and a bullet to the gut, he loses no resolve and commandeers a truck for a head-on collision..."Hey you! Yer Mah's a hooer!"
- Starr explaining (over and over with escalating volume) to an old lady who has been obliviously holding him up in the airport till breaking point, that this is a walk-way and not a FUCKING stand-way! she made up for the lost time; Olympic speed!
- Cassidy, waking up after a massive bender and realising that he declared his love for a conflicted Tulip the night before:
Cassidy: Jaysis, what was I fuckin' drinkin' last night? What was I- Oh my God I'm a wanker! I'm a WANKER! I'M THE BIGGEST WANKER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!
- The title of the chapter where the Klan is brought in: Ku Klux Kretins.
- Klansmen light a cross in front of the sheriff's office. Jesse pisses it out.