History Funny / PokerNight2

'''Brock:''' [[LateToThePunchline I just realized]] you're a dog ''(Laughs)'' [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogs_Playing_Poker playing poker]]!\\

'''Claptrap:''' Hubba hubba!\\

'''Claptrap:''' [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers Hubba hubba!]]\\

'''Ash:''' Yeah, me too. What happened, did you guys run outta the, uh... what-what is it, uh... Can-Can't-[[{{Unobtainium}} Can't-get-it-ium]?\\

'''Brock:''' Yeah, about that, I always heard that "[[NamesTheSame Pandora]]" was some sorta [[Film/{{Avatar}} lush jungle paradise]].\\

* Ash asks Claptrap about life on Pandora, which led to Ash and Brock discussing [[Film/{{Avatar}} a different Pandora]] after hearing Claptrap's description.
-->'''Claptrap:''' [[NeverHeardThatOneBefore Ha. Ha. Very funny.]] Look, MY Pandora was first, got it?\\
'''Ash:''' Alright, alright, jeez! Just one question.\\

'''Ash:''' What's Creator/JamesCameron really like?\\

--> '''Winslow:''' Gentlemen, I leave you to the tender mercies of [=GLaDOS=].\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''G[-OOD EVENING-].'''\\

'''Sam''': Great fountains of Wayne!\\
'''Ash''': What the Hell?!\\
'''Brock''': What in the- \\
'''Claptrap''': [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers Hubba hubba!]]\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''T[-HIS COMPLETES THE FIRST TEST OF THE CONTESTANTS' POKER FACES-]. T[-HE BAD NEWS IS YOU ALL FAILED MISERABLY-]. T[-HE GOOD NEWS IS YOU ALL SEEM EVENLY MATCHED-].'''

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''W[-ELL, [[DeadpanSnarker THAT WAS A SHINING MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF ROBOTKIND]]-].'''
** That's another MythologyGag, this time, to ''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}'': knowing robots have a weakness to these was how [=GLaDOS=] and Chell attempted to take down Wheatley after he took over the facility-- his stupidity made him immune to it.

-->'''Claptrap''': Well, of COURSE you won with those cards. Even Steve could've won with those cards, and all he can say is "Hey-ooo!"\\
'''Steve''': Hey-!\\
'''Claptrap''': SHUT THE ''[[SoundEffectBleep #&$%]]'' UP, STEVE! And people say I'm annoying!

--> '''Claptrap:''' [[NeverHeardThatOneBefore Ha. Ha. Very funny.]] Look, MY Pandora was first, got it?\\

-->'''Claptrap''': There's only one way to respond to hole cards like these. ''(holds up his cards)'' Steve?\\
'''Steve''': ''(shoots the cards out of Claptrap's hand)'' Heyoooooo! \\
'''Claptrap''': ...so yeah, that's a fold.

--->'''Sam''': Max?''(glances back and holds up his cards)''\\
'''Max''': '''BANZAI!!!''' ''(draws his Luger and puts a hole in the hand)''\\

-->'''Brock''': ''(as he folds)'' Thanks for another crappy hand, lady.\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''Y[-OU'RE WELCOME-]. I[-T'S NICE TO BE APPRECIATED-].'''

--->'''Brock''': I haven't seen a run this ugly since Dean tried out for the track team.

--->'''Brock''': I haven't seen a river this full of shit since the Mekong Delta.

-->'''Claptrap''': Alright, that's it--I'm flipping a virtual coin to make my decision! ''(sound of a coin flipping)'' UGH! [[EpicFail How does a virtual coin land on its side]]?!

-->'''Brock''': Aw, Jesus, can't you play some [[Music/LedZeppelin Zeppelin]] or something?\\
'''Claptrap''': You better get used to this sound, grandpa, because the dub is the only music that survives the Great Digital Event Horizon of 2033. Boom!\\

--->'''Ash''': Ah, c'mon! What's a guy gotta do to unleash a curse around here?!

--->'''Sam''': Are you SURE you want my banjo? You seem like more of a mandolin type.

-->'''Sam''': What would Max do in a situation like this?\\

'''Max''': Aaah! ''Film/BlackhawkDown!'' Blackhawk Down!\\
'''Sam''': ...okay, time for Plan B.

-->'''Sam''': Any of you guys got advice for looking for a new barber?\\
'''Ash''': What happened to your old one?\\
'''Sam''': He's getting too old and shaky to navigate around my neck folds.\\
'''Max''': And his barbershop smells like cabbage!\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''Y[-OU COULD TRY LOOKING AT BARBERSHOP REVIEWS ON THE INTERNET-]. T[-HOSE [[SarcasmMode ARE ALWAYS ACCURATE AND TRUSTWORTHY]]-].'''\\
'''Ash''': I get mine cut by the students at the barber college across from the S-Mart. Sure, I sometimes get an accidental [[Film/TheThreeStooges Shemp]]-style, but it's totally worth the extra ten bucks in my pocket.\\
'''Brock''': The only person allowed to come near my head with a pair of scissors [[RealMenWearPink is Miss Lily over at Happy Pretty Lady Hair & Nails]]. But she's kind of on an exclusive contract.\\
'''Sam''': I guess I'll have to let Max cut it for a while...\\

-->'''Ash''': I was probably bluffing that time, but thanks for playing along.

-->'''Brock:''' For the record...that was a bluff.

-->'''Sam''': You know, if you keep indulging my transparent dishonesty, I'm gonna have to run for Congress.

-->'''Claptrap:''' So ''that's'' what you humans call bluffing. Cause seriously, I had ''nothing''.

-->'''Sam:''' Uh, just so you know, I was bluffing my butt off in that hand.\\

'''Brock''': There was probably a better way of phrasing that.

-->'''Brock''': Congratulations; you didn't screw the pooch.\\
'''Sam''': ...should I be offended by that?

-->'''Claptrap''': Let me tell you something. Gearbox-''(sparks are briefly heard as his eye turns bright green and he starts speaking in a monotone)'' [-IS THE BEST VIDEO GAME COMPANY IN THE WORLD-]. T[-HEY TREAT THEIR EMPLOYEES WITH RESPECT, DIGNITY, AND YES, LOVE-]. A[-LSO-], I [-AM A TOTAL TOOL-]. ''(sparks again as he returns to normal)'' -[[OrphanedPunchline WITH A RUSTY SALAD FORK]]! Know what I mean?

-->'''Claptrap''': Kill them all and let [[BobFromAccounting Debbie from accounting]] sort them out!

--> '''Brock''': Wow, I, uh, really didn't see that coming.\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''I [-DID, BUT-] I [-DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN THE SURPRISE-].'''\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''S[-URPRISE-].''' ''(a cheap noisemaker sounds off)''\\
'''Brock''': ''(Gives an unamused face before walking off.)''

--->'''Brock''': This is a joke, right? \\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''I'[-M NOT VERY GOOD AT JOKES-]. B[-UT HERE'S ONE-]. W[-HAT'S YELLOW AND BLACK AND RED ALL OVER-]?'''\\
'''Brock''': What?\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''B[-ROCK-] S[-AMSON [[ImpliedDeathThreat IF HE DOESN'T LEAVE THIS TABLE]]-].'''\\
'''Brock''': [[{{Touche}} ...ah, good one.]] ''(leaves table)''

---> '''Brock''': ''(has a really enraged look on his face)''\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''B[-ROCK-]? B[-ROCK, DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE-]?'''\\
'''Brock''': ''(in a barely restrained voice)'' I'm... fine. ''(walks away)''

--> '''Claptrap:''' Darn it, I forgot to turn on my poker subroutine! Can I get a do-over?\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''Y[-OUR QUESTION IS ACTIVATING MY RARELY-USED GIGGLE CENTER-]. T[-EE-]. H[-EE-].'''

--> '''Claptrap:''' Okay, guess that's it! I'm dead! ''(looks up)'' Hey, where's the regeneration tunnel? \\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''W[-E DON'T DO THAT HERE, BUT-] I [-CAN MAKE A WHOOSHING NOISE FOR YOU IF THAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER-].'''

--> '''Claptrap:''' I might as well say it now-- I've always loved you, baby!\\

'''Claptrap:''' Those are butterflies in your stomach. It must be love!

--> '''Claptrap:''' What's this emotion I'm feeling? It's like, I wish I had those cards, but I also hate ''you'' for having them!\\

'''Claptrap:''' ''({{Beat}})'' And now I'm learning arousal!

-->'''Claptrap:''' What the-- Max?\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''P[-LEASE DON'T SHOOT HIM-]. I [-[[CruelMercy FIND HIS PAIN SOMEWHAT COMFORTING]]-].'''

-->''(Claptrap begins [[HeadDesk banging his head on the table]] repeatedly.)''\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''I [-SEE HE'S TAKING IT WELL-].'''

-->'''Claptrap:''' Fortunately, my stake in this tournament has been funded by a generous grant from the fine folks at Gearbox. ''(Claptrap gets on his phone.)'' What? What do you mean "unapproved expenses"!? I'm doing cross-promotional work here! But-but-hello? Hello?
-->''({{Beat}})''
-->'''Claptrap:''' [[{{Angrish}} Rassin frassin !$@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! $@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%!]] When the movie comes out, I am outta here!

-->''(After being the last player eliminated.)''
-->'''Claptrap''': Excuse me for a moment. ''(Gets up and goes offscreen)'' AAAGGGGGGGHHHH! [[ClusterBleepBomb !$@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! $@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! !$@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! $@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%!]] ''(comes back)'' Great game player!

--> ''"Hey, I'm just going out on a limb here, but I don't think [=GLaDOS=] can be trusted."''

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''I[-F-] I [-WERE ACTUALLY KILLING YOU, THERE WOULD BE A LOT MORE SCREAMING-]. A[-ND IRONY-].'''

-->'''Ash:''' Yo, Shebot, you think you can deal me some better cards next time?\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''I [-WOULD, BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY THE MAGIC WORD-]. S[-O NOW-] I [-AM OBLIGED TO KEEP DEALING YOU JUNK-].'''

-->'''Ash:''' These cards are making me angry. And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.\\

--> [[AC:I know something you don't know. Not about this hand, just generally.]]
--> [[AC:It appears as though one of you has taken a leave of his senses. I mean moreso than usual.]]
--> [[AC:Although usually a sign of a weak hand, a check can also be used to disguise a stronger hand. In your case, I'll assume it's a sign of confusion.]]
--> [[AC:The judicious poker player knows the importance of a well-timed fold. And then there's you.]]
--> [[AC:If you're folding because you're too embarrassed to admit that you've forgotten the rules, just nod your head. I promise not to tell anyone.]]
--> [[AC:Don't feel bad. If I had your brain, I'd fold too.]]
--> [[AC:Well, that was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.]]
--> [[AC:Congratulations, you've stopped listening to your frontal lobe and are going with your gut, where all the feces are.]]
--> [[AC:The player has been eliminated due to lack of funds. And intelligence.]]
--> [[AC:It appears you have lost all your chips. Oh well. It's only money. Your money. $20,000 of it. Right down the drain.]]
--> [[AC:I've scanned over two-hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy, and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.]]
--> [[AC:Did you know that the term "blinds" was coined by a blind poker player in the 19th century? Of course you didn't. Because it's a lie.]]
--> [[AC:Most people are bound by the conventions of probability and common sense. But you're special.]]
--> [[AC:I wouldn't be ashamed about losing. You have plenty of other things to be ashamed about.]]
--> [[AC:I probably would've raised in your situation. But I probably also would've jumped off a building, so perhaps I'm not the best source of advice.]]

-->'''Claptrap''': Why can't ''I'' get cards like that?\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''B[-ECAUSE [[TooDumbToLive YOU'RE A MORON]]-].'''\\
'''Claptrap''': Well I'd like a second opinion on that!\\
'''Brock''': [[ConfirmationBias Its true, you're a moron]].

--> '''Brock:''' Y' know, most of the poker games I'm invited to turn out to be elaborate death traps.\\

'''Ash:''' HEY!

-->'''Sam:''' All in.\\

'''Max:''' Uh...

-->'''Claptrap:''' I'm going all in, just like I did with [[YourMom your momma last night]]! [[BaitAndSwitch Turns out she's a really good poker player.]]

-->'''Max:''' You gonna call that?\\
'''Sam:''' Can't think of a reason not to.

-->'''Brock:''' What, you want this pot? Go ahead. ''(eye twitches violently)'' Take it from me!

-->'''Sam:''' Only a fool or a madman would call that bet. Unfortunately for you, my partner is both those things.\\

-->'''Brock:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm dead. Get it over with.

-->'''Claptrap:''' THERE IS NO ROBOT-GOD!

-->'''Brock:''' ...and there's the DoubleTap.

-->'''Sam''': ''(hums Funeral March)''

-->'''Ash:''' Boom. Headshot.

-->'''Sam''': I'm drawing deader than Zombie Picasso.

-->'''Brock:''' [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons D'OH]]!

-->'''Claptrap:''' Dead hand walking!

-->'''Max:''' Oh, you're VideoGame/TheWalkingDead. Get it?\\
'''Sam:''' No.

-->'''Ash:''' ...wait, did I just lose there?

-->'''Brock:''' ''(Sigh)'' Didn't even make it to the river.

-->'''Claptrap:''' Do I have an off-by-one error, or am I hosed?

-->'''Ash:''' ...I'm toast, aren't I?

-->'''Claptrap:''' Looks like Ol' Clappy's just bought himself a big ol' sack o' pain.

-->'''Brock''': Enough of these weak-ass bets! ''(bets heavily)''\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''Y[-OUR WORDS ARE THOSE OF A POET LAUREATE... BEING CLUBBED TO DEATH WITH A TIRE IRON-].'''

-->'''Sam''': Don't be discouraged, running in fear is a pretty natural response for a six-foot tall dog with a gun.

-->'''Ash''': Trying to read my face for tells, huh? Well good luck with that. I've taken so many blows to the head that the muscles in my face twitch for no damn reason. See? ''(eyes, nose and mouth all twitch randomly and independently of one another)''

-->'''Sam''': Sorry about this raise, but sometimes my common sense is overruled by the craziest impulses!\\
'''Max''': I have a name, you know.

-->'''Claptrap''': Wait, I won? I feel GREAT! Maybe my life isn't so bad after all!\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''A[-LL YOUR FELLOW-] C[-LAPTRAP UNITS [[YankTheDogsChain ARE STILL DEAD]]-].'''\\
'''Claptrap''': Well that was short lived.

-->'''Winslow''': Great news!
-->'''Sam''': [[ToiletHumor You've finally replaced the urinal cakes!]]
-->'''Winslow''': Yes! And we've renewed our liquor license.

--> '''Claptrap''': If you'll excuse me, I'm going to erase the memory of these cards... Wha... Where am I?! ''Who are you people?!''

-->'''Ash''': You know my favorite drink? 14th century mulled wine. Had a bottle of it when I was marooned in the past, it was like booze of the freakin' gods. Can't find anything like it today.\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''T[-HAT'S LIKELY BECAUSE 14TH CENTURY MULLED WINE UNDOUBTEDLY CONTAINED A LIGHT DUSTING OF MOUSE DROPPINGS-]. I[-T WASN'T A PARTICULARLY HYGENIC CENTURY-].'''\\
'''Ash''': Yeah, well, maybe we'd all be better off if we drank a little more mouse poop.

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''C[-ONGRATULATIONS-]. Y[-OU'VE [[StealthInsult CONVERTED A NEARLY UNBEATABLE HAND INTO A VICTORY]]-].'''

-->'''Claptrap''': This is the part of the tournament where I taunt you mercilessly until you call. Would you prefer to be compared to a chicken, the female reproductive system, or [[CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkeys the French]]?

-->'''Steve''': HEYOOOO! ''(shoots rocket at Brock)''\\
'''Brock''': ''(blocks it with his arm)'' [[TranquilFury Excuse me.]] ''(flips his chair over and goes over to Steve to deliver an asswhooping)''\\
'''Steve''': [[OhCrap Heyo?]] ''(both of them exit the screen to the top right section of the screen, an offscreen beatdown commences as the game goes on)''
** If Claptrap is the first character to bust out in the ''VideoGame/{{Borderlands 2}}'' Inventory, the resulting cutscene is ''hilarious'' in how over the top it is.

--->'''Sam''': You crack me up, little buddy.

--->'''Ash''': Y'know, you could have just ''asked'' me to leave!

'''Ash''': Hey, where's the rest of me?!\\
'''Max''': Check it out, Sam, free shoes!\\

--->'''Brock''': I sure hope Rusty worked out the kinks in this thing.\\

'''Brock''': Guess not.

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''S[-AM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED, AND WILL BE TELEPORTED TO A BETTER PLACE-].'''\\
'''Sam''': I hope it's Tahiti.\\

'''Sam''': Is it me, or [[DoesThisMakeMeLookFat does this teleporter make my keister look fat?]]

-->'''Brock''': ''(approaches the player)'' Hey, good game there.\\
'''Winslow''': ''(whispers to Brock)''\\
'''Brock''': ''(highly indignant)'' I'm not doing that.\\
'''Winslow''': I'm afraid the owner was ''most'' insistent...\\
'''Brock''': Son of a--fine! This never leaves the room, understand?\\
'''Sam''': Scout's honor!\\
'''Max''': No problemo!\\
'''Claptrap''': Could you move a little to the left?\\
'''Brock''': ''(sigh)'' I'm never gonna hear the end of this...''(throws up the VSign)'' Go Team Venture.

-->'''Sam''': I ''thought'' it smelled of death and slapstick in here...

--->'''Max''': Klaatu...\\
'''Ash''': [[OhCrap Oh, no.]] Max! It's klaatu berada nikto!\\
'''Max''': Got it! Klaatu berada...''tiptoe''!\\
'''Ash''': ...[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Crap.]] ''(Ash gets sucked into the Necronomicon.)''\\
'''Max''': ''(sheepishly)'' You know, I should really get my hearing checked! ''(chuckles)''

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''C[-LAPTRAP HAS BEEN ELIMINATED, AND WILL BE TEXTUALIZED-].'''\\
'''Claptrap''': Textualized?\\
'''Max''': Claptrap, Babushka, Neato!\\
'''Claptrap''': Oh, come on, that's not even close! ''(The necronomicon approaches Ash, who nudges his head Claptrap's way. Claptrap shakes his head, the Necronomicon nods and sucks him in)'' {{I REGRET NOTHING}}!\\
'''Max''': You know, that book needed more comic relief!

--->'''Max''': [[Creator/KeanuReeves Keanu]], [[Creator/HannaBarbera Barbera]], [[Creator/LeonardNimoy Nimoy]]!\\

'''Brock''': Come on! ''(gets sucked into the Necronomicon)''\\
'''Max''': Don't worry, Brock; I'll get some whiteout.

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''S[-AM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED, AND WILL BE REMOVED BY HIS PARTNER'S ILLITERACY-].'''\\
'''Max''': Cukoo, Banana, Pismo?\\
'''Sam''': Max, no! ''(The Necronomicon flies around, passing Winslow on the second floor)''\\

'''Max''': To the editor's desk!

-->'''Brock''': Aw, son of a bitch.\\
'''Ash''': Welcome to the family!

--> '''Ash''': I told you, these phony beards were a bad idea!

-->[[http://www.telltalegames.com/forums/showpost.php?p=792166&postcount=3 Regardless of actual heritage, I imagine Brock's ancestors fighting Nazis in an underground fashion in Poland until they had to flee. Or maybe Brock's grandmother was Maria Von Trapp]]
--> I also pity the poor Mohel who tries to circumcise Brock.

--> '''Larry:''' I call dibs on the sassy cocktail waitress.\\

'''Brock:''' A few years back, some punks snuck my image into a Mortal Kombat knockoff as one of those unlockable easter egg deals.\\

'''Sam:''' ''(to Ash)'' He's not really a tree surgeon.

'''Sam:''' It better be. I'd hate to believe we'd been driving in someone else's car for the last twenty-five years. Why do you ask?\\

'''Sam:''' That's what I keep telling Max, but then he just spins his head at me and vomits.\\

-->'''Ash:''' So Sam, is that your tricked-out 1960's [=DeSoto=] Adventurer in the parking lot?\\

'''Ash:''' Maybe you should see an exorcist.\\

'''Claptrap:''' Seriously, can you blame me? How often does a guy get a chance to chat up a talking dog? It's like interviewing a unicorn!\\

'''Claptrap:''' ''Okaaaay, okay''. One, can you eat chocolate!? Two, do you date human women or other talking dogs!? And three, can you sense earthquakes before they happen!?\\

'''Claptrap:''' ''Okaaaay''. One, can you eat chocolate!? Two, do you date human women or other talking dogs!? And three, can you sense earthquakes before they happen!?\\
'''Sam:''' One, yes, but I shouldn't, because it goes straight to my hips. Two, don't tell anyone, but I'm kind of off the market right now. And three, dogs can't sense earthquakes, but sometimes we cause them. ''([[ProveIAmNotBluffing Room begins shaking]])''

--> [[AC:Well... That was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.]]

--> [[AC:Wow. That was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.]]

-->'''Claptrap''': KillEmAll and let [[BobFromAccounting Debbie from accounting]] sort them out!

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''B[-ROCK-] S[-AMSON IF HE DOESN'T LEAVE THIS TABLE-].'''\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''M[-AX KEPT EATING THE POKER CHIPS-].'''\\

-->'''Max:''' And hey, what is the DEAL with Antipasta? Does it blow up when it touches regular pasta? I mean c'mon!

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': '''Y[-OU COULD TRY LOOKING AT BARBERSHOP REVIES ON THE INTERNET-]. T[-HOSE [[SarcasmMode ARE ALWAYS ACCURATE AND TRUSTWORTHY]]-].'''\\

-->''(Ash's top half ends up at the bar, while his lower half ends up on the stage)''\\

-->'''Brock''': I sure hope Rusty worked out the kinks in this thing.\\

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Sam has been eliminated, and will be teleported to a better place.]]\\

-->'''Claptrap:''' Hey! A teleporter! We got these all over Pandora.\\

-->'''Max''': Klaatu...\\

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Claptrap has been eliminated, and will be textualized.]]\\

-->'''Max''': [[Creator/KeanuReeves Keanu]], [[Creator/HannaBarbera Barbera]], [[Creator/LeonardNimoy Nimoy]]!\\

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Sam has been eliminated, and will be removed by his partner's illiteracy.]]\\

''(The Necronomicon flies toward the table) ''\\

--> '''Larry:''' I call dibs on the sassy cocktail waitress.
--> '''Ash:''' First of all, blech. Second of all, I'm not sure her gorilla of a boyfriend would approve of putting the moves on his squeeze./ First of all, blech. Second of all, I don't think the space gorilla's gonna like you calling dibs on his girlfriend.
--> '''Medic:''' And thirdly, I do not believe you and Fraülein Stinky are biologically compatible.
--> '''Larry:''' Is that a crack about my age? 'Cause I can tell you about dozens of ladies who can't get enough of [[ICallHimMisterHappy Larry Junior]]! Seamus, Croft, that Marley dame...
--> '''Medic:''' What I mean to say is that Fraulein Stinky's [[SesquipedalianLoquaciousness piscatory reproductive apparatus may not, strictly speaking, be capable of interfacing with your]]... [[UnusualEuphemism tackle box]].
--> '''Larry:''' Do you know what he's talking about?
--> '''Ash:''' He lost me at "piscatory."
--> '''Medic:''' It's quite simple. [[MermaidProblem She's a mermaid.]]
--> '''Larry:''' So she's got fish parts. So what?

-->'''Sam''': Max?''(glances back and holds up his cards)''\\

-->'''Brock''': I haven't seen a run this ugly since Dean tried out for the track team.

-->'''Brock''': I haven't seen a river this full of shit since the Mekong Delta.

-->'''Brock:''' I wouldn't give these cards to my twelfth worst enemy.\\

-->'''Claptrap:''' So, what's it like living in black and white?\\

--> '''[=GlaDOS=]:''' '''H[-IS AUDIO OUTPUT IS CAUGHT IN A LOOP-]. A[-GAIN-]. H[-E REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT-].'''

-->'''Ash''': Ah, c'mon! What's a guy gotta do to unleash a curse around here?!

-->'''Sam''': Are you SURE you want my banjo? You seem like more of a mandolin type.

'''[=GlaDOS=]:''' [[AC:[[ForScience There's always time for more science.]]]]\\

'''Recording of "Brock"'s voice:''' [[AC:Missed me! Missed me! Now you have to kiss me!]]\\

'''[=GlaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Mr. Williams has placed the remainder of his chips in the pot. And apparently part of his brain.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Your words are those of a poet laureate...being clubbed to death with a tire iron.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:[[YankTheDogsChain All your fellow Claptrap units are still dead.]]]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:That's likely because 14th century mulled wine undoubtedly contained]] [[AC: a light dusting of mouse droppings.]] [[AC:It wasn't a particularly hygenic century.]]\\

-->"[[AC:We've now reached the 1800, 3600 blind level. As a courtesy to the Inventory's other patrons, I've also begun pumping an olfactory suppressant into the air.]]"\\
"[[AC:Some would say that this neverending tournament is a thrilling testament to the tenacity of the contestants. They would be wrong. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars. ]]"\\
"[[AC:Oh look. You've reached the upper limits of my blinds. Somewhere outside, a new day is dawning, and the good people of the world are waking up striding confidently towards happiness and enlightenment.]] [[AC:[[TakeThatAudience And you're in here. Playing poker. In the dark.]]]]"

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:[[StealthInsult Congratulations. You've converted a nearly unbeatable hand into a victory.]]]]

->'''Claptrap''': This is the part of the tournament where I taunt you mercilessly until you call. Would you prefer to be compared to a chicken, the female reproductive system, or [[CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkeys the French]]?

-->'''Sam''': You crack me up, little buddy.
** "[[AC: Ash has been eliminated... or, at least, he's about to be.]]"

-->'''Ash''': Y'know, you could have just ''asked'' me to leave!

-->'''Max:''' ''(holding up the chainsaw)'' Looking for something? ''(To Sam)'' Hey, check it out, Sam! I'm a tree surgeon!\\

-->'''Max:''' Geromimo! ''(lands on Brocks head)'' Die! Die! Die!\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''A [-SWIFT BLOW TO THE HEAD WOULDN'T HURT-]-''' ''(Ash punches Claptrap)''\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' '''-[-BUT IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HELP EITHER-].'''\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:I did, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Surprise.]] ''(a cheap noisemaker sounds off)''\\

-->'''Brock''': This is a joke, right? \\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:I'm not very good at jokes, but here's one-- what's yellow and black and red all over?]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Brock Samson if he doesn't leave this table.]] \\

--> '''Brock''': ''(has a really enraged look on his face)''\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Brock? Brock, do you require assistance?]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Your question is activating my rarely-used giggle center. Tee. Hee.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:We don't do that here, but I can make a whooshing noise for you if that would make you feel better. ]]

--> '''Claptrap:''' I might as well say it now- I've always loved you, baby.\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Were I outfitted with a dry-heave subroutine, I'd activate it now.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:That's "envy", you emotionally stunted rhomboid.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Please don't shoot him. [[CruelMercy I find his pain somewhat comforting.]]]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:I see he's taking it well.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:If I were actually killing you, there would be a lot more screaming. And irony.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:I would, but you didn't say the magic word. So now I am obliged to keep dealing you junk.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:I don't like you now.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Because you're [[TooDumbToLive a moron]].]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:"Weird" is in the eye of the beholder. Would you like me to reprogram your optic nerves to be less paranoid?]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Good evening.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:This completes the first test of the contestants poker faces. The bad news is you all failed miserably. The good news is you all seem evenly matched.]]
* [[AC:"It's a mathematical certainty that 80% of you are going to lose tonight. And 100% of you will eventually die. Math is fun, don't you think?"]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:[[DeadpanSnarker Well, that was a shining moment in the history of robotkind.]]]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Your hand has apparently been possessed by a marketing department.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:You're welcome. It's nice to be appreciated.]]

--> '''Brock:''' I wouldn't give these cards to my twelfth worst enemy.
--> '''Sam:''' ''Twelfth'' worst?
--> '''Brock:''' One through eleven are dead. Wouldn't be much point.

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:His audio output is caught in a loop. It happens sometimes with low-cost sound cards.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:A swift blow to the head wouldn't hurt-]] ''(Ash punches Claptrap)''\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:-but it probably wouldn't help either.]]\\

--> '''[=GlaDOS=]:''' [[AC:His audio output is caught in a loop. Again. He really should have that looked at.]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Max kept eating the poker chips.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:You could try looking at barbershop reviews on the internet. [[SarcasmMode Those are always accurate and trustworthy.]]]]\\

-->'''Claptrap''': Let me tell you something. Gearbox-''(sparks are briefly heard as his eye turns bright green and he starts speaking in a monotone)'' [[AC:is the best video game company in the world. They treat their employees with respect, dignity, and yes, love. Also, I am a total tool.]] ''(sparks again as he returns to normal)'' -[[OrphanedPunchline WITH A RUSTY SALAD FORK]]! Know what I mean?

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:That's likely because 14th century mulled wine undoubtedly contained]] [[AC:[[IAteWhat a light dusting of mouse droppings]].]] [[AC:It wasn't a particularly hygenic century.]]\\

-->'''Brock:''' [[TheSimpsons D'OH]]!