Funny / Planescape: Torment

  • Morte. About half the time he opens his jaw.
    Morte: Women are the reason I became a monk. And, uh, the reason I switched back.
    His taunts are funny enough that you sometimes don't care how repetitive they can get. "You're a perfectly good waste of arms and legs" and, "You've got a face only a sledgehammer could love...and *has*" are prime examples.
    • The entire scene where Morte first equips Ingress' Teeth. You have to see it to believe it.note 
    • In the description of Morte's primary weapon, his own teeth, it will say "Proficiency: 'Fists' (Don't ask.)"
    • An obviously high class female sensate in front of the Civic Festhall will particularly cruelly trash both the protagonist and his allies. Now unless you want to actually kill her, there is nothing the player can do to really get back at her.. unless they have Morte. Give him the green light and you'll get what can only be described as one of the most crushing "The Reason You Suck" Speeches ever given to a non-hero or villain. It's obvious from her reactions that he nails it.
    Morte: "Hey, you! That's right, you there, you saucy little tart... look at me when I talk to you! What's got you so bitter, hmm?" The woman, caught off guard, didn't reply. She only stared at the floating skull that suddenly popped out to dance around her and jeer. "Aw, does the little Desert Princess have her britches in a bunch because the Sultan wanted another son? Tell me, 'Desert Princess,' do you spend most of your nights drunken and belligerent, followed about by a handful of leering sycophants, looking in your own pathetic way to justify your existence to a disapproving father?"
    Woman: "What... who... how dare-" she sputtered, the blood draining from her face.
    The two men flanking her glanced at each other and turned pale.
    Morte: "Do you really think your petty brawling will finally make you feel better about yourself? Feel like you're worth something? Because IT WON'T! If this is your sad little path to feeling better about who you are, I suggest you just give up, go home, and marry off into some courtier's harem!"
    Woman: "I... I..."
  • Nordom, due to being The Comically Serious and a bit of a Cloudcuckoolander, brings a lot of entertaining moments.
    • When asked to tell a story to Yves, Nordom will tell a story of how some of the Modrons once fixed something and went "home". That's it. When pressed by Morte, he'll admit that the going "home" was an embellishment on his part.
    • Nordom banter:
    Nordom: Attention, Fall-from-Grace. I wish to address your body.
    Fall-from-Grace: Pardon me?
    Nordom: Your body. Your form. Your reason for selecting it. Why?
    Fall-from-Grace: Why... I suppose I find it comforting. Besides, I rather like the wings.
    Nordom: It would be more practical for you to assume the form of a modron. It is 13.27% more efficient. Give or take +5.2%.
    Fall-from-Grace: Why, Nordom, are you trying to court me?
    Nordom: It was not my intention to initiate legislation against you.
  • Vrischika describing the Sword of Wh'ynn:note 
    Vrischika: It's also known as the Cheater's Blade. Merely holding it aloft will win you the game.
    Nameless One: Win me the... what do you mean?
    Vrischika: [Narrowing her eyes] Oh come now, you know exactly what I mean. Buy the Cheater's Blade, you beat the game. It's that simple...
  • The Brothel Of Slaking Intellectual Lusts, which is a brothel where there is no sex, just discussions and playing games.
    • Luis, the armoire in said brothel. Who is most certainly not there for any prurient reasons, no sirree.
  • Just before going to the Very Definitely Final Dungeon, you have to write a regret on a piece of your skin. You can regret that your friends have come to suffer, or regret that there WASN'T enough suffering, you can regret that you have no regrets to write on the skin... or alternatively, you can go for something else - I regret that I wandered all over the Planes when the damn portal was right here when I FIRST woke up.
  • Morte's line if you try to give him a weapon.
  • The Nameless One playing with the Modron Cube like a little kid.
    Nameless One: Move the arms and make sword-fighting noises.
    The toy *clicks* and *whirrs* as your move its clockwork joints. Within moments, the tiny cube has vanquished every imaginary opponent you have sent against it, and settled back to its normal position.
    Nameless One: Wave its arms and make cheering noises.
    Hordes of imaginary creatures from across the Planes cheer the cube's victory. You can almost see a tiny oily tear brimming on one of its eyes... it is a hero, the greatest cube to ever roam the Planes and everyone loves it. In your mind, Fall-From-Grace and Annah hug it and shower it with kisses.
    • Do this enough and your alignment shifts towards Chaotic, because you're being that silly.
    • Even better is that Morte gets jealous and wants to play too, leading to some taunting.
  • You can let Marta conduct an autopsy on you. You're still conscious (for a while) and there's no anaesthesia. The game describes in disturbing detail the procedure before The Nameless one finally passes out.
    • Part of what makes it funny is Morte lampshading how stupid it is to let some strange woman dig around your insides.
    • Taken to its logical extreme when you ask Marta to crack open your skull. This one actually gets noted in the journal:
      "I ordered Marta to look into my skull if there was anything inside. There wasn't."
  • Just about everything involving Fhjull Fork-Tongue. He's under a curse to do charity, which as a greater baatezu is something he hates. And he's not remotely afraid to share with you just how unhappy he is over this. It makes you a little more evil each time you do it, but getting him to give you the magic items and spells he's collected is still damned funny.
  • In "Curst Gone", you find some unexplained stone faces that tell you what happened to the town. You can then rhetorically state why there are so many bodiless heads around. This grants you XP.
  • People in the Planescape setting really enjoy messing with the poor Nameless One's body parts, but particularly his eye. An early encounter in the Burning Corpse Tavern has the innkeeper pulling out your previous eye and saying you've got a few seconds to pull out your own and replace it before it rots. Ravel will tell you to close your eyes, and when you open (one of) them, she'll be holding your eye and crushing it right in front of you, only to stab it back in again. Ignis promises to give you some stat boosts for your body parts, so if you managed to keep your old eyeball around you'll be able to ask him to "upgrade it". Unfortunately, he'll instead scorch your only remaining "good" eyeball instead.
  • You can do some really stupid things in the game, with hilarious results.
    • Fall-From-Grace, being a literal demon and all, has a lethal kiss. She tells you this pretty early on. A low wisdom protagonist can try to kiss her.. only to very predictably die from it.
    • When trying to become a Godsman, you will need to smith a weapon inside the giant forge. Without the right tools you'll just stand there being scorched by the flames. The game lets you choose what to do and in what order. As such, you can simply start hammering the empty anvil for a good while or drop your ore into the furnace. The funniest one is trying to hold the ore in the furnace with your hand. Again, predictably, you pass out from the pain and heat.
    • Talking to one of the Abishai walking around Sigil early in the game is a death sentence. Morte will argue against it the first time around, but after that he'll simply tell you life is the best teacher and to go ahead.
    • Throughout the game, but especially in the first area, you can "talk" to all the walking corpses, zombies and skeletons. Being dead, they won't respond. This doesn't stop the protagonist from treating them as perfectly fine living people. Morte will only say something the first time around, probably feeling sorry for the permanent damage those deaths have done to your brain
  • In the Civic Festhall, one guy will be talking about a very complex D&D form of reincarnation. While he's not entirely wrong, the way he says it and the way he jokes at the protagonist's expense gives justification for some schooling on the player's part. The lecturer can be asked to kill himself to prove his point. Naturally, he'll decline, saying that he'll do it if the Nameless One does so first... and so you do! Being immortal, snapping your own neck takes only seconds to regenerate. The following "Now you" conversation can lead to him completely denouncing his stance and subsequently pissing himself.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/PlanescapeTorment