- Kainan's first word in Old Norse (English to us).
Kainan: [Pukes after receiving painful info dump from the Exposition Beam] Uuuugh... Fuck!
- Even though it's a dark moment, it's also hilarious to watch the Christian priest attempt to exorcise the Moorwen, only to be gutted and blasted into a gushy red mist.
- Half of Boromir's screentime is good for a few laughs:
Kainan: ...And we're going to need two rows of post holes.Boromir: Post holes? What do need post holes for?Kainan: [shrugs] Posts.Boromir: [Scoffs with a "of course you do" smirk]
- Him trying to woo a wench by (very) drunkenly regaling her with the story of how Kainan killed the bear not too long ago.
- Building the trap:
- Freya's "Hey, You!" Haymaker to Kainan as repayment for him knocking her out earlier. It's a fun sight seeing this rugged Space Marine, who had earlier taken on several vikings and almost won, getting sucker punched by a pissed off woman.
- The shields game. In itself, it's a pretty ridiculous concept- A circle of vikings hold round shields on their shoulders, and two players do a follow-the-leader/simon-says type run atop them- but Kainan playing along, and ultimately fumbling, is enjoyable.
[Wulfric does a tricky flip maneuver, which Kainan will have to replicate]Kainan: Ready, Boromir?Boromir: [looks defeated, then chugs a full flagon of mead] Am now!
- Jamie giving Hamish an impromptu sex talk, with Claire hidden in the hayloft. Claire has to stuff her dress in her mouth to keep from laughing when Hamish asks if men bite their partner on the neck during sex.
- When Claire's sitting outside Lallybroch, listening to Jenny and Jamie scream at each other. Ian arrives and is visibly unconcerned.
- Ian: Ah, Jamie's home then.
- Jamie explaining to Claire why he married her, while dodging blows from Claire.
- Jamie: And I said to myself, ‘Jamie, lad, if her touch feels so bonny on your collarbone, imagine what it might feel like lower down...[Claire throws a chair at him] Of course, I thought it might ha’ just been the effects of spending four months in a monastery, without benefit of female companionship, but then that ride through the dark together with that lovely broad arse wedged between my thighs [Claire tries to punch him] “and that rock-solid head thumping me in the chest” [Claire throws a metal object at him, Jamie is practically crying with laughter] “I said to myself...Jamie...I said...for all she’s a Sassenach bitch… with a tongue like an adder’s… with a bum like that… what does it matter if she’s a f-face like a sh-sh-sheep?
- Shortly after this, Jenny walks in on Claire and Jamie on the floor together and matter-of-factly tells him that the floor will give him splinters in his arse.
- Jamie's reaction to seeing the red dress Claire's going to wear at the ball at Versailles. At first, he can only stand there with his mouth gaping open while Claire asks him how he likes it. Then, the only thing he can say is that it's red. When he can finally bring himself to speak, he is positively horrified to see just how revealing it is. What makes it really funny is that he did tell Claire to wear something which would let her stand out in the crowd, and how much more visible could she get than when she's wearing that dress?
- The conversation they have about it is priceless:
Claire: Not bad, is it? Very visible, at any rate.Jamie: Visible? Visible? God, I can see every inch of ye, down to the third rib!Claire: No, you can’t. That isn’t me under the lace, it’s a fining of white charmeuse.Jamie: Aye well, it looks like you!
- And then, just a few paragraphs later:
Jamie: You couldna … cover it up at bit at the top? A … ruffle or something? A handkerchief?Claire: Men have no notion of fashion. But not to worry. The seamstress says that’s what the fan is for.*Claire shows Jamie the matching fan, waving it enticingly over her bosom.*Jamie: Do me the one favor, Sassenach. Take a larger fan.
- The conversation Claire has earlier with the seamstress about the dress:
Seamstress: Not every woman could wear it, Madame. But you, with that skin! Mother of God, you’ll have men crawling under your skirt all night!Claire: If one tries, I’ll stamp on his fingers.
- "In terms of attracting notice, the dress was an unqualified success. In terms of the effects on Jamie’s blood pressure, it was somewhat more equivocal."
- The conversation they have about it is priceless:
- During the ball, Claire moves into a alcove to get some peace and quiet away from the main party. To her dismay, she finds that a rather daring French noble has followed her there. The noble promptly attempts to seduce her, only to accidentally sneeze into Claire's bosom at the last moment. A disgusted Claire immediately smacks him across the face with her closed fan, which causes him to stagger and fall back out of the alcove and into Jamie's arms, since Jamie just happened to be standing in the doorway at that moment. Turns out Jamie'd become worried about where Claire had gotten to and went searching for her, only to find her in the situation he had explicitly warned her not to get into. Without further adieu, after seeing the Viscomte alone with his wife Jamie grabs him and dunks him in the nearby fountain. As Claire tells him later, he ends up attracting a lot of attention.
- The conversation Claire and Jamie have about how Claire's first day at L'Hopital des Anges went. Claire tells Jamie all about her day, very happily, while they're eating afternoon tea. Jamie listens, but doesn't eat a thing while Claire talks. When Claire finally notices this she offers him a pastry:
- Claire: It’s very crowded in some of the wards—two or three to a bed, which is awful, but—don’t you want some of this? It’s very good.Jamie: If ye think ye can keep from telling me about gangrenous toenails long enough for a bite to make it from my gullet to my stomach, then yes.
- After that, Claire just asks demurely how Jamie's day was like.
- Jamie retelling the story of how he met Fergus.
- Jamie: I’ll leave it to you, Sassenach, to imagine what it feels like to arrive unexpectedly in the midst of a brothel, in possession of a verra large sausage.
- Young Ian is openly terrified when he first meets Claire, believing her to be a prostitute sleeping with his uncle. He's further horrified when Claire casually says she's known his father for "quite a long time." It takes a while before anyone bothers to enlighten him.
- Young Ian: I mean you're a damned hypocrite! Preachin' to me and Michael about purity and keepin' to one woman, and all the time you're slinkin' about the city, sniffin' after whores! [...] You're a goddamned whited sepulchre!Old Ian: What the bloody, stinking hell d'ye mean by that, ye whelp?Young Ian: Her! [points at Claire] You deceivin' my Mam with this filthy whore, that's what I mean!Old Ian: Ye great clot! A fine way to speak of your auntie Claire, to say nothing of me and your Mam!Young Ian: Auntie?!?
- Just everything about Fergus and Marsali's wedding.
- Especially Father Fogden...
"Can’t get married without a name. Just like a cock. Can’t get married without a name; can’t get married without a c—"
- Especially Father Fogden...
- The Turtle Soup sequence is both sexy and absolutely hilarious.
- Jamie's annoyance when the Porpoise keeps pursuing him:
- "It’s persecution! The filthy boat’s pursuing me. Everywhere I go, there it is again!"
- When Claire and Jamie meet John Quincy Myers in the street, he begins to undo his trousers to allow Claire to diagnose a "big swelling thing" just behind his balls. Claire only barely manages to dissuade him.
- Jamie: What it is that makes every man ye meet want to take off his breeks within five minutes of meetin’ ye?Claire: [Demurely] Well, if you don’t know, my dear, no one does.
- The tension around John and William's visit is somewhat broken when Young Ian accidentally knocks William into the privy. Jamie and John are practically rolling on the floor with laughter as William grows increasingly angry. Even more funny (to the reader anyway) is Ian's sudden and entirely silent realization that William looks just like Jamie when he's angry. After glancing confusedly between Jamie and William for a few seconds, he catches Claire's warning look and his face goes "unnaturally blank."
- When Brianna first meets Jamie, he's urinating behind a tree.
- This line when Claire reunites with Bree at Fraser's Ridge (especially Jamie's reaction!):
- Claire: I, ah, wasn't expecting—Bree: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!Jamie: What?
- The end of the conversation Bree and Claire have when Bree admits her pregnancy to Claire. Bree tells her that she and Roger used coitus interruptus while having sex, and that's why she's so certain that the baby is Bonnet's and not Roger's. Claire only response is this:
- Claire: There is a word for people who depend on that particular method of birth control.Bree: What’s that?Claire: Parents.
- Lord John sincerely telling Claire that, “Beyond the state of my bowels, I have no secrets from you, madame.”
- Claire attacks an angry black bear with a fish. It doesn't work.
- As part of a larger ruse, Jamie begins loudly confessing to various embarrassing sins, including having "impure thoughts" brought on by seeing a woman vigorously churning butter.
- “Oh, no, Father; it was a barrel churn. The sort that lies on its side, aye, with a wee handle to turn it? Well, it’s only that she was workin’ the churn with great vigor, and the laces of her bodice undone, so that her breasts wobbled to and fro, and the cloth clinging to her with the sweat of her work. Now, the churn was just the right height—and curved, aye?—so as make me think of bendin’ her across it and lifting her skirts, and—” My mouth opened involuntarily in shock. That was my bodice he was describing, my breasts, and my butter churn! To say nothing of my skirts. I remembered that particular occasion quite vividly, and if it had started with an impure thought, it certainly hadn’t stopped there.
- While visiting Jocasta, Claire is accosted by the foppish Phillip Wylie, who insists that she's been flirting with him and kisses her against her will. She leaves, flustered and angry, and immediately runs into Jamie. They have what appears to be a normal conversation, but Jamie keeps pausing to frown and looking at her oddly. After a few minutes, he finally interrupts her mid-sentence to ask her what in the name of God she's been doing and tell her that Wylie's false birthmark is still stuck to her cheek.
- When Claire experiments with her new microscope by borrowing some of Jamie's sperm.
- Claire: These particular beasts aren't germs, though—they're sperms.Jamie: They're what?Claire: Male reproductive cells. You know, what makes babies?Jamie: [turning red] You mean seed? Spunk?Claire: Well...yes.Jamie: [suddenly suspicious] Whose are they?Claire: Er - well, yours of course. Who else's would they be?Jamie: How the hell did you get them?Claire: How do you think? I woke up in custody of them this morning.
- After Claire explains sperms and zygotes to a rather mortified Jamie, he makes to leave then turns back.
Jamie: Can you not take them out and give them a decent burial or something?Claire: I'll take good care of them. I always do, don't I?
- Claire tells Jamie to "“Then look happy, damn you!” at Brianna's (Protestant) wedding. Jamie proceeds to "assume an expression of benevolence one degree short of outright imbecility," unnerving several other guests. Germain sees Jamie making faces, and adopts the same expression, encouraging Fergus to do the same.
- Ian after a somewhat embarrassing injury:
- Ian: Has anyone ever told you what a comical fellow ye are, Uncle Jamie?"Jamie: No.Ian: That's as well, because ye’re not.
- When an extremely embarrassed Jamie finally tells Claire about the naked women Bird keeps sending to his bed, Claire laughs so hard she nearly re-breaks her ribs.
- When Dr. Rawlings tries to explain one of his medical instruments to Claire, designed to prevent "nocturnal tumescence" in men.
- Dr. Rawlings: Why...it...the...the loss of the male essence is most debilitating. It drains the vitality and exposes a man to all manner of sickness, as well as grossly impairing his mental and spiritual facultiesClaire: Just as well no one's thought of mentioning that to my husband.
- When Lord John takes Claire to a gala attended by prominent loyalists, he apologizes for the lavish displays of wealth and celebratory atmosphere. Claire calmly tells him that the British gloating doesn't bother her at all, she knows the British will lose the war in three years' time.
- When Lord John admits to sleeping with Claire, Jamie's only reaction is 'Oh? Why?' Needless to say, knowing the guy's habit of intemperate, violent reactions to shocking and upsetting news (especially the thought of someone else bedding his wife who he was separated from for twenty years), Lord John is speechless.
- Tom and Claire's awkward reunion.
- Tom: You are a most uncomfortable woman!Claire: [dryly] You wouldn’t be the first person to think so.
- The confusion over William's departure and Jamie's arrival has a tinge of this, especially when Claire tries to catch up Mrs. Figg and Jenny.
- Claire: That gentleman is James Fraser, my...er...my...husband. And, er, William's father.Mrs. Figg William know that?Claire: [gestures at the half-destroyed entry hall] He does now.Mrs. Figg: You his mother?Claire: [chokes]
- The long-suffering Duke of Pardloe provides a great deal of comic relief as well.
- When Jamie and John see each other for the first time after Jamie punched him, Germain attempts to lighten the mood.
- Germain You mustn’t hit him again, Grand-père. He’s a very good man, and I’m sure he won’t take Grannie to bed anymore, now that you’re home to do it.
- In Scottish Gaelic, a 'bree' is a 'great disturbance'. Jamie is amused at Claire's nickname for Brianna because of this. It's made even more funny when you think of how fitting the name is for Bree, who seems to cause a 'great disturbance' wherever she goes (metaphorically and physically). In Echo a fellow worker of Brianna's hears her nickname and is about to point out the above when Bree cuts in wryly and admits that she knows.