- "Moscow Mule" Eliqua derails Pornstache's search for contraband in the vegetable truck. Doubles as a CMOH and When She Smiles.
"Sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The Vegetable People? Like a giant celery serial killer, carrying a machete, or broccoli lightin' shit up with a flame-thrower. "Who's a smoothie, now, bitches?" [Pornstache has already left] ... Asshole. Shit's funny."
- When Pornstache's actions and speech patterns aren't overtly threatening, misogynist or down right disturbing, much of what he says and does is so random, exaggerated and obnoxious to the point of being totally laughable. It is only made more humorous by the fact that so much of his on-screen antics are clearly ad-libbed and improvised by the actor portraying him.
- "I got that prehistoric man-stank. They can't help themselves...Yeah, but they hate me."
- "This is all just a big adventure with liver, and Yoga Jones, and racism."
- The reason the second episode is called "Tit Punch." " You popped her tit!"
- Amid the various protestations of innocence: "Hey, I may be a thief but I'm not an embezzler, alright?" And then, as an afterthought: "And that guy shot himself."
- In a later episode: "Look, we all in here cause we got lost on the way to church!"
- After Chapman explains Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken to them...
Tricia: (Utterly deadpan) "I will probably kill her in her sleep tonight."
Taystee: "Wake me up so I can watch."
- Pretty much the entire scene with Chapman and Dina in "Bora Bora Bora."
- Taystee and Poussey's extended riff on Stuff White People Like in WAC Pack.
Taystee: Let's talk about health care, Mackenzie.
Poussey: Oh, Amanda, I'd rather not. It's not polite!
Taystee: Well, did you see that wonderful new documentary about the best sushi in the world? Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before.
Poussey: You know, I just don't have the time. Chad and I have our yoga workshop, then wine-tasting class, and then we have to have really quiet sex every night at 9.
Taystee: Did you hear that new piece on NPR about hedge funds?
Poussey: Amanda, let me ask you - do you like my bangs these days? I mean, do you like them straight down, or should I be doing a sweep to the side?
Taystee: Sweep to the side, oh my god!
- An added bonus when Sophia and the others at the table all crack up.
- "You want more pizza, vote for Maritza."
- "This ain't The fuckin' Help, bitch. But you will eat my shit!"
- Another exchange from "WAC Pack." Piper determines the wires have been chewed by a rat.
Piper: My brother had a rat...It was kinda cute, actually. He named it Antonio.Washington: I saw one chew a baby's face off once. I named it fuckin' face-chewing rat!
- Seeing Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren being visited by her parents: "Mommy, I happen to like my hair like this!"
- "Damn, I thought yoga was supposed to relax you."
- The entire exchange in the library about respecting Harry Potter.
Taystee: Wait, shortee, you want a book to read or a step-stool? Because I tell you right now, you ain't stepping on the Goblet of Fire. Don't be fucking with Harry Potter. Now you can step up on Ulysses — everyone says it's so genius, but I call their bullshit. No one wants to go through all that rambling. Ain't nobody got time for that.
- "Just let him do his crumping and have a good time!" Pretty much the entirety of The Chickening is a gold mine for comedy.
Taystee: So I'm sitting there topless on a bulldozer in a construction site, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "what the fuck, again?"
Red: Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen.
- And Suzanne's response: "The same thing happened to me, only it was tuna salad."
- The entire conversation between Red and Piper is hysterical:
Chapman: Why? Because all black people love chicken?
Red: Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin. Somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken.
Red: Those Spanish probably won't even eat [the chicken], just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev.
- Poussey trying to intimidate the paraplegic girl who's there for the Scared Straight program, only to immediately backtrack when she's worried she's offended her by implying she can't handle herself.
- Then there's this exchange at the end of the episode as they all say good-bye
Flaca: And don't embezzle, or illegally download media.
Washington: Uh... yeah.
- Then there's this exchange at the end of the episode as they all say good-bye
- "Kill, Lil Boo, kill!" (Lil Boo licks Big Boo's face) "We're working on it."
- The look Alex gives Piper when she's described as "The Hot One."
- Most dealings with Pennastucky, but the encounters leading her to believe she's a bona fide faith healer were pretty funny. Until it ends up landing her in the Psych Ward, anyways.
- From "Can't Fix Crazy":
Red: [to Gina and Norma] You need to fuck with that kitchen!
Gloria: [to Gina and Norma] You fuck with this kitchen, I'll have you out of here so fast, you'd think your ass grew wheels.
- From "Imaginary Enemies" : Luschek hands Piper some electrical work. She says she doesn't know the first thing about electrical work. He replies "Repeat after me. Don't electrocute yourself. Now you know the first thing."
- When Piper is asking the inmates about love, and what they think of it, Morello replies with, "Oh, you know me..."
- Larry reluctantly explaining edging to his parents, and their subsequent reactions— his mother, who repeatedly tells Larry to come, because he could get blocked! and his father, who just stares at him, totally deadpan.
- Bell explaining with a completely deadpan expression that she thinks Mendez is behind distributing prison porn pics, because 'guys with mustache always look like they've just fingered a little girl'... right to Caputo's mustache-wearing face.
- Also mustache-related: Caputo has been hit on by guys, so he asks Mendez whether Mustaches have suddenly become a gay icon or something. Mendez vigorously declines in his usual over-the-top manner and ends with:
Mendez: ...mustaches. Are for fucking men!
- Bell and several inmates desperately trying to convince some juvenile delinquents into thinking that staying around Chapman is the scariest thing about prison.
Black Cindy: Chapman is a stone cold lesbian.
Piper: I could tell you that I'm going to make you my prison bitch. I could tell you that I'm going to make you my house mouse. That I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection.
- And Piper's Breaking Speech a little while later:
- In "Comic Sans" which doubles as a small CMOH, Daya pitches her art as an idea for Piper's new column, who questions why the walrus looks pissed off. Daya's response?
- Daya: That's supposed to be Mr. Healy.Piper: This is amazing.
- Bonus points for Healy actually reading the comic strip later on and loving it while not realizing it's towards him.
- Piper asks a man who's been creeping on her to pass a note to Alex. He negotiates a pair of her panties. "I've been wearing these for four days." "Even better." Later, when she finds out the reason he's in prison:
Piper: "He's a hitman? Oh, thank God I thought he was a rapist."
- "The black scarecrow has a weakness! He has a weakness!"
- The white, Midwestern-type guy on the airplane saying, "Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass! There's plains. And corn. And a shitton of white people who don't vote in their best interest."
- The scene discussing the absence of Lil Boo. Big Boo is feeding Lil Boo peanut butter, which he licks with increasing enthusiasm, then zoom slowly onto Big Boo's face as she gets an idea, then Gilligan Cut back to:
Big Boo: It got weird.
- In Episode 2, Larry and his dad are in a sauna... with naked men, who are making out. Only after talking about Piper is Larry finally uncomfortable with his surroundings.
Larry: Dad, why did you bring us to a gay bathhouse?
Howard: ... had a Groupon.
- The conversation about women having three holes from "A Whole Other Hole".
Leanne: [after Piper takes back her book] I wasn't done with that!
- Also when Piper goes around the bunks, collecting her things that people took because they didn't know if she was coming back.
Piper: Everybody dies!
- Polly getting a flaming bag of poo on her doorstep after confessing to Piper about her and Larry's affair.
- In Episode 5, Healy runs into Caputo in a bar, and a campaign commercial for Fig's husband comes on. The two, who hate each other, immediately start riffing it.
Caputo: Look, the reason I'm the only one with a helmet is 'cause I'm richer than you.
Healy: Hammering that nail was hard! I'm pooped!
Caputo: [Mr. Fig rides a forklift] Whee! [Mrs. Fig appears] There she is.
Healy: Behind every strong man is a strong, cunt-faced witch monster.
- Pennsatucky to Boo: "How does the whole gay agenda work?" Boo: "Shh! Keep your voice down!" And the conversation that follows.
- O'Neill and the nuns: "This is a little song about the nuns. Fiercer, meaner, crueler, ruder than the huns. I am forced to babysit them when i thought that i had quit them. Oh I kind of hope that they all get the runs. This is a song about my mom and dad. and the the divorce that they should have had..."
Caputo: O'Neill! Scatter the nuns!
- Also, this conversation, during Miss Rosa's escape:
O'Neill: Run, nuns! Run!
- Sister Ingalls telling Red that she masturbated to a statue of Jesus.
- Morello describing the events of a certain animated movie without knowing the name of it is hilarious.
Morello: Hey, did you ever see that movie? The one where there's the cowboy and he's like the king of the castle and then, this astronaut shows up, and he tries to take over and so the cowboy attempts to murder him. But instead, the astronaut is taken hostage by like, this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends.
Rosa: Toy Story?
- Nicky seduces Soso and takes her into the church. But Soso won't stop talking while Nicky is going down on her, annoying Nicky so much that she switches position and forces Soso's face into her crotch with a "At least this will shut her up" face.
- Big Boo and Nicky's hookup contest in it's entirety.
- Nicky's imitation of Alex.
- Sofie's reaction to Red paying her back with gummy candy for dying Red's hair.
Sofie: Have you ever been kissed by a 6 foot transgender woman?
Red: I'm good.
- When Mendoza's (friend? Mother? person) is sticking up for her against her Domestic Abuser husband, she calls him a "fucking beaner." He says beaner's for Mexicans and he's Dominican. Her response is hilarious despite the emotional intensity of the scene: "It's hate speech. It's not meant to be accurate. It's meant to be hateful."
- Leanne and Angie try to get Soso to use deodorant. You know your grooming is bad when two women with Meth Mouth try to give you hygiene advice.
- Daya asks Bennett to tell everyone about them, but he refuses, fearing it will get him in jail. Towards the end of the episode, Mendez is being taken away under the belief that he made Daya pregnant, to which he loudly proclaims to everyone present everything Daya had wanted to hear from Bennett, and more.
"WE'RE GONNA NAME HIM STAN!"
- Soso refuses to shower as part of a protest. When confronted by the guards about it, she lays down on the floor outside the showers, saying that she's "demonstrating passive resistance." Without missing a beat, the guards reply with "We're demonstrating aggressive aggression!" before grabbing her and making her shower.
- Flores commenting on how she won a goldfish, named it Tequila, proclaiming it apparently lived on Froot Loops for twelve years until her cousin ate it on a dare.
- Chang asking a Mothers Day visitor (as in a child of an inmate) what they're in for.
- Norma goes from an excited smile to a disappointed expression when Gina doesn't tap her as the goose in a game of duck, duck, goose. And then proceeds to high-five Gina when she manages to run a full circle without getting caught.
- Along with a weird sort of Heartwarming, Sophia's discussion with her son about "man" stuff. First how to shave ("Do you believe someone who just shaves their face, or someone who shaves everything?") and then how to practice on an insecure girl (though given Michael's attitude later in the season, the latter one turns out to be Harsher in Hindsight)
Michael: And you really wanna be a lady in a world where men do that?Sophia: God help me, I do.
- "Mother's Day": In the beginning of the episode Pennsatucky is driving with Wanda and another prison guard and Pennsatucky is describing how you fill in the blanks in "I'd blank your blank" with anything to make it sound sexy. Wanda comes up with "I'd scratch your eczema" or "I'd disembowel your cat."
- When the kids at the mother's day event break open the pinata with their fists only to find out that there's no candy inside because Wanda forgot to put it inside Soso states "Oh my god, this is such a metaphor for their lives."
- The entire funeral dedicated to burnt books. Poussey and Taystee are deadly serious as they have a wheelbarrow full of the charred remains, claiming that as paper comes from trees, they need to give it back to the trees. Poussey then lists off numerous titles to which Taystee offers commentary of agreement.
Poussey: Great Expectations.Taystee: Solid!Poussey: The BFG.Taystee: Tight.Poussey: Damn, the dictionary. The Dictionary, man. What are we gonna do in the world without a damn Dictionary? Sister Souljah. Oh! A High Wind in Jamaica. All the David Sedaris'. Or Sedari, I guess?(Later)Poussey: The Treasure of the Sierra Madre by B. Traven.Taystee: (notices Daya talking) Uh, excuse me? Can you show some respect?Daya: Sorry. My condolences.Taystee: (to Poussey) Go ahead.Poussey: The Tale of Squirrel Nutkins.Taystee: Mmm!Poussey: The Jonathans.Taystee: Mmm!Poussey: Damn. Swift, Lethem, Tropper, Franzen, Kellerman, Livingston Seagull. (Taystee in the background leaning against a tree dramatically).Taystee: God Bless!
- During the prison tour, Caputo takes the business representatives to where Chapman is fixing a microwave.
Jack Pearson: What seems to be the problem?Chapman: The thermal fuse blew.Jack Pearson: And you can fix that by yourself, honey?[Caputo covers his face, and the one female representative gives him a Look. Chapman puts on a fake smile and slightly affects her voice]Chapman: Well, I sure can. If I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.
- At the end of "Finger in the dyke" Suzanne tries to cuddle with Taystee in bed who wakes up screaming "Oh HELL no!" Suzanne promptly backs off and goes back to her own bed.
- Suzanne creating her own essential fanfiction "Time Hump Chronicles" (which seems to be if Mass Effect met Fifty Shades) was funny enough. The fact that it literally causes Ship-to-Ship Combat between those who prefer the protagonist Edwina with Admiral Rodcocker or with Gilly (or a character made entirely out of vaseline) is hilarious, especially given Suzanne's complete bewilderment that they find it entertaining.
- Piper gives a long-winded speech that is so cordial and inspiring it would make Braveheart shed a tear. If only she wasn't saying it to convince the inmates to join her cause of selling used panties online. The kicker is when the strong music in the background cuts off when a guard tells her immediately to get off the table, Piper sheepishly admitting she got carried away as she climbs off the table.
- Followed by the panty-sweat montage, including Boo jogging.
- Another gem from the panty business arc is when Neri tries to emulate the worn panty smell with a composition of cheese, eggs and tuna.
Cal: It's like you're Madam Curie, just...stupid.
- Some Black Comedy. When Judy King, the cook-show lady is convicted guilty on all charges, the inmates immediately burst into celebration over the possibility she might be sent to Litchfeld.
Boo: I have done some questionable things in my life, but the foreign-object-ass-rape of a drugged man is one I have yet to cross off my list!
- Another example, blacker than midnight in a mineshaft: When Boo and Pennsatucky drug the guard who raped Tucky and drag him into the back, they have a back and forth about who should assault him.
I wasn't a rapist! ...Well, not with her.
- Mendez explaining to his mother his relationship with Daya.
- Poussey discovers that her homemade booze has been stolen.
Poussey: Aw man, my honey's been jacked!Taystee: (gravely) Winnie The Pooh: The Ghetto Years.
- Taystee, Poussey, and Suzanne trying to wake up Brooke after she OD'd.
Poussey: Sympathetic vomiting!
- When the kitchen food is replaced by pre-prepared bags of essential slop, Red spends an entire episode going around reminding people that she didn't make the food and it has nothing to do with her.
- Luschek's reaction to Nicki trying to get him to sell drugs.
Nicki: I've got a shit-ton of heroin I need you to sell.Luschek: Are you out of your mind, inmate? You're asking me to sell narcotics?I'm a Federal Corrections Officers. All right let's go. We're gonna go to Caputo's office, you're going to tell him exactly what you told me, every word, even that weird Al Gore thing.Nicki: (panicked) Okay, look Luschek, you must've misunderstood me, all right?Luschek: I'm fucking with you. Of course I'll sell it.
- Luschek watching the inmates all run through the hole in the prison fence:"Nope."
- Luschek threatening the inmates who found Nicki's drug stash: "I will kill you... with murder."
- Healy attempting "street talk" by jokingly calling Alex a "dumb biiitch". The guy understandably gets a Flat "What." from Alex and dumbfounded expressions from the other inmates in return.
- The ladies trying to convince the rabbi they're Jewish, especially Lolly's congratulations on controlling the media. And Sister Ingalls being the only one who succeeds.
- The chicken is back!
- And then, while Caputo tries to locate the chicken while a skeptical O’Neill tags along, they suddenly find a hole in the fence and Chang’s sack of oranges in the bushes. Utterly bewildered, O’Neill looks off into the middle distance and mumbles, “I feel like we’re in Narnia…”
- Anytime when the increasingly absurd "plot" of Time Hump Chronicles is referenced. And then when the inmates start perving on the at first confused, then horrified guard Donaldson.
- Near the end of Season 3, Suzanne learns the hard way about fanfiction.
- Lorna and Vince "consummating the shit" out of their marriage.
- Uzo Aduba (Crazy Eyes) "auditioning" for every other role on the show.