When Pornstache's actions and speech patterns aren't overtly threatening, misogynist or down right disturbing, much of what he says and does is so random, exaggerated and obnoxious to the point of being totally laughable. It is only made more humorous by the fact that so much of his on-screen antics are clearly ad-libbed and improvised by the actor portraying him.
"I got that prehistoric man-stank. They can't help themselves...Yeah, but they hate me."
"This is all just a big adventure with liver, and Yoga Jones, and racism."
The reason the second episode is called "Tit Punch." " You popped her tit!"
Amid the various protestations of innocence: "Hey, I may be a thief but I'm not an embezzler, alright?" And then, as an afterthought: "And that guy shot himself."
In a later episode: "Look, we all in here cause we got lost on the way to church!"
After Chapman explains Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken to them...
Tricia: (Utterly deadpan) "I will probably kill her in her sleep tonight." Taystee: "Wake me up so I can watch."
Pretty much the entire scene with Chapman and Dina in "Bora Bora Bora."
Taystee and Poussey's extended riff on Stuff White People Like in WAC Pack.
Taystee: Let's talk about health care, Mackenzie. Poussey: Oh, Amanda, I'd rather not. It's not polite! Taystee: Well, did you see that wonderful new documentary about the best sushi in the world? Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before. Poussey: You know, I just don't have the time. Chad and I have our yoga workshop, then wine-tasting class, and then we have to have really quiet sex every night at 9. Taystee: Did you hear that new piece on NPR about hedge funds? Poussey: Amanda, let me ask you - do you like my bangs these days? I mean, do you like them straight down, or should I be doing a sweep to the side? Taystee: Sweep to the side, oh my god!
An added bonus when Sophia and the others at the table all crack up.
"You want more pizza, vote for Maritza."
"This ain't The fuckin' Help, bitch. But you will eat my shit!"
Seeing Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren being visited by her parents: "Mommy, I happen to like my hair like this!"
"Damn, I thought yoga was supposed to relax you."
The entire exchange in the library about respecting Harry Potter.
Taystee: Wait, shortee, you want a book to read or a step-stool? Because I tell you right now, you ain't stepping on the Goblet of Fire. Don't be fucking with Harry Potter. Now you can step up on Ulysses — everyone says it's so genius, but I call their bullshit. No one wants to go through all that rambling. Ain't nobody got time for that.
"Just let him do his crumping and have a good time!" Pretty much the entirety of The Chickening is a gold mine for comedy.
Taystee: So I'm sitting there topless on a bulldozer in a construction site, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "what the fuck, again?" And Suzanne's response: "The same thing happened to me, only it was tuna salad."
The entire conversation between Red and Piper is hysterical:
Red: Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen. Chapman: Why? Because all black people love chicken? Red: Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin. Somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken. ... Red: All I wanted was to eat the chicken that was smarter than other chickens, and to absorb its powers.
Poussey trying to intimidate the paraplegic girl who's there for the Scared Straight program, only to immediately backtrack when she's worried she's offended her by implying she can't handle herself.
Then there's this exchange at the end of the episode as they all say good-bye
Flaca: And don't embezzle, or illegally download media. Beat Washington: Uh... yeah.
"Kill, Lil Boo, kill!" (Lil Boo licks Big Boo's face) "We're working on it."
The look Alex gives Piper when she's described as "The Hot One."
Most dealings with Pennastucky, but the encounters leading her to believe she's a bona fide faith healer were pretty funny. Until it ends up landing her in the Psych Ward, anyways.
From "Can't Fix Crazy":
Red:[to Gina and Norma] You need to fuck with that kitchen! Gloria:[to Gina and Norma] You fuck with this kitchen, I'll have you out of here so fast, you'd think your ass grew wheels.
From "Imaginary Enemies" : Luschek hands Piper some electrical work. She says she doesn't know the first thing about electrical work. He replies "Repeat after me. Don't electrocute yourself. Now you know the first thing."
When Piper is asking the inmates about love, and what they think of it, Morello replies with, "Oh, you know me..."
Larry reluctantly explaining edging to his parents, and their subsequent reactions— his mother, who repeatedly tells Larry to come, because he could get blocked! and his father, who just stares at him, totally deadpan.
Piper asks a man who's been creeping on her to pass a note to Alex. He negotiates a pair of her panties. "I've been wearing these for four days." "Even better." Later, when she finds out the reason he's in prison:
Piper: "He's a hitman? Oh, thank God I thought he was a rapist."
"The black scarecrow has a weakness! He has a weakness!"
The white, Midwestern-type guy on the airplane saying, "Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass! There's plains. And corn. And a shitton of white people who don't vote in their best interest."
The scene discussing the absence of Lil Boo. Big Boo is feeding Lil Boo peanut butter, which he licks with increasing enthusiasm, then zoom slowly onto Big Boo's face as she gets an idea, then Gilligan Cut back to:
Big Boo: It got weird.
In Episode 2, Larry and his dad are in a sauna... with naked men, who are making out. Only after talking about Piper is Larry finally uncomfortable with his surroundings.
Larry: Dad, why did you bring us to a gay bathhouse? Howard: ... had a Groupon.
The conversation about women having three holes from "A Whole Other Hole".
Also when Piper goes around the bunks, collecting her things that people took because they didn't know if she was coming back.
Leanne: [after Piper takes back her book] I wasn't done with that! Piper: Everybody dies!
In Episode 5, Healy runs into Caputo in a bar, and a campaign commercial for Fig's husband comes on. The two, who hate each other, immediately start riffing it.
Caputo: Look, the reason I'm the only one with a helmet is 'cause I'm richer than you. Healy: Hammering that nail was hard! I'm pooped! Caputo: [Mr. Fig rides a forklift] Whee! [Mrs. Fig appears] There she is. Healy: Behind every strong man is a strong, cunt-faced witch monster.
Pennsatucky to Boo: "How does the whole gay agenda work?" Boo: "Shh! Keep your voice down!" And the conversation that follows.
O'Neill and the nuns: "This is a little song about the nuns. Fiercer, meaner, crueler, ruder than the huns. I am forced to babysit them when i thought that i had quit them. Oh I kind of hope that they all get the runs. This is a song about my mom and dad. and the the divorce that they should have had..."
Caputo: O'Neill! Scatter the nuns! O'Neill: Run, nuns! Run!
Sister Ingalls telling Red that she masturbated to a statue of Jesus.
Morello describing the events of a certain animated movie without knowing the name of it is hilarious.
Morello: Hey, did you ever see that movie? The one where there's the cowboy and he's like the king of the castle and then, this astronaut shows up, and he tries to take over and so the cowboy attempts to murder him. But instead, the astronaut is taken hostage by like, this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends. Rosa:Toy Story?
Nicky seduces Soso and takes her into the church. But Soso won't stop talking while Nicky is going down on her, annoying Nicky so much that she switches position and forces Soso's face into her crotch with a "At least this will shut her up" face.
Big Boo and Nicky's hookup contest in it's entirety.
Nicky's imitation of Alex.
Sofie's reaction to Red paying her back with gummy candy for dying Red's hair.
Sofie: Have you ever been kissed by a 6 foot transgender woman? Red: I'm good.
When Mendoza's (friend? Mother? person) is sticking up for her against her Domestic Abuser husband, she calls him a "fucking beaner." He says beaner's for Mexicans and he's Dominican. Her response is hilarious despite the emotional intensity of the scene: "It's hate speech. It's not meant to be accurate. It's meant to be hateful."