Funny / No One Lives Forever

  • Many, but one overheard exchange early in the game sets the tone.
    Street Merchant: You look like you need a monkey.
    HARM Agent: Excuse me?
    Street Merchant: I have a very fine monkey for you. Only twenty dollars, American.
    HARM Agent: Sorry, I don't want a monkey.
    Street Merchant: What do you mean?
    HARM Agent: I don't want a monkey!
    Street Merchant: Why not?
    HARM Agent: Because I don't like monkeys, now get that filthy beast away from me!
    Street Merchant: Are you insulting my monkey?
    HARM Agent: I'm sure it's a perfectly excellent monkey, but I don't want it. Now please leave, I'm very busy.
    Street Merchant: Ten dollars.
    HARM Agent: No! I wouldn't want the dreadful thing even if it were free!
    Street Merchant: Free? You want my children to starve?
    HARM Agent: If they're hungry, I suggest you feed them the monkey.
    Street Merchant: This is a valuable monkey! My wife would kill me if she knew I was offering it to you so cheap.
    HARM Agent: You don't seem to understand, I DON'T WANT A MONKEY!
    Street Merchant: Infidel.
    • Made even funnier by the fact that the cheat code which gives you all armor add-ons is "mpyoulooklikeyouneedamonkey".
  • This exchange:
    Thug 2: What's in all those kegs, anyway?
    Thug 1: Beer! We supply H.A.R.M.'s entire staff with the finest Deutsch brews.
    Thug 2: Really? That must be a lot of beer.
    Thug 1: Indeed. Our studies show that criminals drink three times as much alcohol as law abiding citizens.
    Thug 2: So beer turns people into criminals?
    Thug 1: A correlation doesn't imply causality. Just because criminals drink a lot of beer doesn't mean that beer causes crime. It's possible that people with criminal tendencies enjoy beer because it helps to soothe their conscience. Or perhaps criminal behavior is caused in part by a genetic predisposition that also, coincidentally, makes criminals like the taste of beer more than the average person. Who knows?
    Thug 2: You're very knowledgeable about these things.
    Thug 1: Criminal sociology is a hobby of mine. I think it's important to understand not just the individual, psychological roots of one's behavior, but also the social circumstances that foster that behavior. Whether we like it or not, we are shaped by our environment.
    Thug 2: Surely you're not suggesting that individuals aren't accountable for their actions?
    Thug 1: Oh, no, of course not. Just because we are products of the societies we're born into doesn't absolve us of personal responsibility. Our religions and laws teach us what is right and what is wrong. Frequently, the right choice is the more difficult path to take. It requires sacrifice, self-discipline, patience virtues that many of us find somewhat lacking in our natures.
    Thug 2: But what if you're born into a hedonistic culture?
    Thug 1: Look across history. The reason hedonism is discouraged by most religions and governments is that it weakens a civilization. It breeds sloth, petulance, degeneracy, and selfishness. A divided nation is a fragile nation, waiting to be conquered. Unity is strength. Humans instinctively fashion order out of chaos. It is a natural, probably genetic impulse. Therefore, even an individual born into troubled times has the capacity, and even the duty, to behave in a manner that promotes unity, however difficult it may be.
    Thug 2: Then what about us?
    Thug 1: I can only speak for myself. I am a product of a broken household, which introduced a general lack of self confidence in me at a very early age. These feelings of inadequacy blossomed into anger as I matured that the rigors of adolescence, with the teasing and abuse and awkwardness we must all endure, only exacerbated. But even though I've identified the source of my problems, I'm still too childish and petty to become a responsible, mature citizen.
    Thug 2: Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step, I suppose.
    Thug 1: I like to think so.
  • The ending of the airplane mission where you survive falling off said plane by stealing a Mook's parachute on the way down:
    Helpless Mook: [Falling towards a barn] Please be full of hay! Please be full of hay!...[CRASH!]
    • When Dr. Schenker later encounters Cate and asks how she survived jumping off a plane without a parachute she deadpans "Oh, a gentleman lent me his parachute on the way down. It was very nice of him".
  • "That's not potato salad, that's cottage cheese!"
  • In the second game, guards get curious if Cate stealthily dispatches one of their comrades.
    Soviet Guard: This is the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics! People don't just disappear without a trace!
  • A good chunk of the second game takes place in India. At once point, Cate and Magnus Armstrong are obliged to separate (keep in mind Armstrong is a huge, red-bearded Scotsman in full kilt):
    Cate: "How will I find you?"
    Armstrong: "It's not like I blend in."
  • In the first game, Armstrong and Igne Wagner are arguing onboard the ship when it begins to sink. Armstrong declares his intention to abandon ship, prompting this exchange:
    Armstrong: "Now get out of my way! Yer hideous mass is blocking the bulkhead."
    (elsewhere on the ship)
    Sailor: "The bulkhead is blocked! What do we do!?"
  • Magnus and Inge engage in Volleying Insults. Inge comes up with numerous insults. Magnus just keeps calling her fat.
  • The exchange between Volkov and his hired assassin. Volkov is confined to a wheelchair, wearing a full body cast, bandaged everywhere.
    Assassin: "Monsieur Volkov... Tell me who did this to you! And I shall exact terrible vengeance!"
    Volkov: "It was a skiing accident."
    Assassin:...Oh. I see."
  • Using the blowtorch on the Indian police:
    Police: "What horrible agony!"