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Funny: Night Watch

Discworld novel

  • Detritus has just misfired his Piecemaker, blowing through a wall in Vimes' house and destroying a good portion of Vimes' yard (including the trees), and setting off several fires.
    Detritus: Er, sorry about that, Mister Vimes.
    Vimes: What did I tell you about Mister Safety Catch?
    Detritus: When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend.
  • A hilarious sequence involving a barricade, a stupid soldier, and a somewhat more intelligent commander.
    "If you listen, you will realize that it is merely the national anthem sung rather badly."
    "Can't have rebels singing that, sir!"
  • Colon and the boys' numbered list of reasons for expanding the barricades to include a quarter of the city while "Keel" is away. Fred's "Are you okay, Sarge?" and subsequent apology after the implied Face Palm being included as the final items on the list always raises a chuckle.
  • The destruction of Big Mary (a large siege weapon) with a couple of wooden wedges and some lumps of raw ginger.
    • And young!Vimes' subsequent reaction, staring at "Keel" with wide eyed hero worship.
  • Detritus' training song for the new recruits:
    Now we sing dis stupid song
    Sing it as we run along
    Why we sing dis we don't know
    We can't make the words rhyme prop'ly
    Sound off!
    One, two!
    Sound off!
    Many, lots!
    Sound off!
    Er, what?
  • The part when Vimes' epic One-Liner backfires.
    "Yeah? On whose authority?"
    Vimes swung his crossbow up. "Mr Burleigh and Mr Stronginthearm," he said, and grinned.
    The two guards exchanged glances. "Who the hell are they?" said one.
    There was a moment of silence followed by Vimes saying, out of the corner of his mouth: "Lance-Constable Vimes?"
    "Yessir?"
    "What make are these crossbows?"
    "Er... Hines Brothers, sir. They're Mark Threes."
    "Not Burleigh and Stronginthearm?"
    "Never heard of them, sir."
    Damn. Five years too early, thought Vimes. And it was such a good line, too.
    • He finally goes with "You will let me take these prisoners or I will shoot you in the face." Not snappy, but it does get the point across.
  • Vimes ordering the barricade taken down because it's badly made. Also a Moment Of Awesome.
    "I repeat, I order you to dismantle this barricade." He took a deep breath and went on. "And rebuild it on the other side of the corner with Cable Street! And put up another one at the top of Sheer Street! Properly built! Good grief, you don't just pile stuff up, for god's sake! A barricade is something you construct!"
    • Made all the funnier that in the rush to construct the barricade. Some of the furniture they use includes an old man still sleeping in it.
  • Venturi and Selachii at the party — as Arch Enemies they agree on nothing, but etiquette demands that they are polite to one another and, at least at social gatherings, talk without getting into an argument. They solve this by only talking about things it's completely impossible for even them to disagree about:
    Selachii: This is a party.
    Venturi: Indeed. I see you are standing upright.
    Selachii: Indeed. So are you, I see.
    Venturi: Indeed. Indeed. On that subject, I notice many others are doing the same thing.
    Selachii: Which is not to say that the horizontal position does not have its merits when it comes to, for example, sleeping.
    Venturi: Quite so. Obviously that would not be done here.
    Selachii: Oh, indeed. Indeed.
    • And this exhausts their conversation options.
  • Vimes' growing exasperation at being repeatedly drugged or knocked out and Waking Up Elsewhere.
    "You know, if someone wants to talk to me, they only need to bloody well ask!"
  • Knocke attempting to catch Vimes in an I Never Said It Was Poison trap:
    Knocke: There was a break-in last night, sir!
    Vimes: What did they take?
    Knocke: I don't think I said they took anything, Sergeant.
    Vimes: No, you didn't, Corporal. That was me jumping to what we call a conclusion. So: did they steal anything, or did they just break in to deliver a box of chocolates and a small complimentary basket of fruit?
    It gets better when Knock discovers Vimes outwitted him and replaced the "stolen" item
    Corporal It's a half-brick in a sack sarge
  • Death to Lord Winder: You have reached the end of cake.
  • The creation of the People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road includes a rather unique rally cry: 'Truth! Justice! Freedom! Reasonably priced love! And a hard boiled egg!'
    • For context; Reg Shoe has been trying to establish the laws of the new Republic, and has been arguing with the Seamstresses about the aforementioned 'reasonably priced love': "Free is not a word we wish to hear." Then Vimes (as Keel) shows up:
    Reg Shoe: You'd like Freedom, Truth, and Justice, wouldn't you, Comrade Sergeant?
    Vimes: I'd like a hard-boiled egg.
    Reg Shoe: In the circumstances, Sergeant, I think we should set our sights a little higher—
    Vimes: Well, yes, we could,[...] But...well, Reg, tomorrow the sun will come up again, and I'm pretty sure that whatever happens we won't have found Freedom, and there won't be a whole lot of Justice, and I'm damn sure we won't have found Truth. But it's just possible that I might get a hard-boiled egg.
    • And, as something of a Brick Joke, later on when they're on the barricade, Nora Battye brings him a boiled egg, with some toast cut into little soldiers...
      • ...which quickly gets destroyed as the enemy starts attacking out of nowhere. Vimes promptly punches the first man up over the barricade: "That was my egg, you bastard!!! With soldiers!"
  • Many of the soldiers sent against the barricade come from the very neighborhoods behind the barricade. This makes their job more difficult, as their grandmothers are up on the barricade, threatening to tell eveyone about what they did when they were eleven...
  • You Do Not Drop Your Mates In The Cacky. Full stop.
  • Vimes' reactions to encountering Nobby Nobbs (as a Gavroche expy) and Lord Rust.
Thief of TimeFunny/DISCWORLDMonstrous Regiment

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