- You can always start by reading some of the quotes collected over here. Spoilertastic at times, but it's got the most memorable.
- After recruiting Qara, when you next enter the Sunken Flagon you'll be treated to a hilarious cutscene where Neeshka and Khelgar are having an "insult contest", only for Qara to butt in and completely show them both up. The scene is capped off with Duncan showing exasperation over how Khelgar hasn't paid for a drop of all the ale he's drunk so far.
Duncan: Get your drink yourself, Dwarf, seeing as how you haven't paid for a drop your entire stay here!
Khelgar: Been wondering when you'd cave in and give me free reign over your kegs. Anyone else want anything?
Duncan: Some Dwarves should never be allowed to walk the surface. Little freeloaders...
- While befriending Kistrel the intelligent spider is heartwarming, the text given afterwards is oddly hilarious. XP GRANTED FOR BEFRIENDING A GIANT MAGICAL SPIDER!
- Befriending, huh?
- He even knits you a snazzy cloak. Awww...
- Bring Grobnar with you the first time you enter the Ironfist stronghold, ask him about to examine the strange machine by the door to see if he can figure out how it works, and instead he'll babble on for hours about how it was constructed. After a Gilligan Cut to everyone in your party lying around, sometimes with their heads in their hands, he wraps it up with this:
Grobanar: ...so that connects to the sprocket over there... which finally leads to the underslung rachety-cong, and there you go.
PC: So what does it actually do?
Grobnar: Oh, why, it opens the door, of course.
Khelgar: That's it. We bury the gnome here. Alive.
- If your influence with Sand is high enough, then his refusal to join Garius before the final battle is pretty funny.
Sand: Yes, well, as tempting as the offer to become one of the many shadow reavers we have already slain is, I shall pass. Not much future, you see - for you or them. Besides, the little girl here... she needs minding, else... well, else bad things could happen to us all, and I will not allow that to happen.
- Sand taking a second look at your shards.
Sand: Oh, very well, give them here and let me see what my keen arcane senses can determine. (cue raising arms, casting spell)
(Sand, PC, Duncan get knocked to the floor
Sand: Well... it seems to have some... resentment to being scryed.
- It's mostly the tone in which he says it.
- Sand in general gets some of the best lines in the game.
Nasher: And you, Sand? Anything more you wish to add that you did not say in the first three hours?
- If you fail to beat Cain Lethellon in a lute contest, fear not! You always have the option to set him on fire, grab the prize, and cheese it. In many ways, a much more satisfying resolution.
- If you're a bard with a high enough Perform skill, you can legitimately beat him while doing all sorts of Crazy Awesome shit like playing your lute on your head, playing your lute while doing acrobatic maneuvers, and playing it after setting it on fire. It's unfortunate his face isn't animated, because the expression on it when you do the last one must have been priceless.
- Just about any moment involving a hefty amount of Grobnar. From the first time in the Ironfist Clanhold (quote please, it escapes me) to later on when attempting to explain the Wendersnaven
Grobnar: Whether they're several hundred Khelgars high —
Grobnar: — several Neeshkas high.
- And when talking to the demon, Baalbisan:
Male PC: No, I'm not female.
Baalbisan: But it looks female. How can I be certain?
Baalbisan: It offers to reveal its parts, but my vision is not what it was. I doubt I could make out something so diminutive.
- That one gets even better when Neeshka tries to back you up:
Neeshka: Well, from what I have heard, it is not that small at all.
Elanee: What did you say?
Neeshka: (quietly) Hey, I don't know, I'm just trying to help.
- When Bishop and Grobnar are discussing the blade golem's password activation thing:
Bishop: That's like leaving the village idiot in charge of a trebuchet.
Grobnar: Oh come now, that's hardly a proper analogy. It's more like leaving the village idiot in charge of a huge, savage, nearly unstoppable wolf that can only understand simple commands like "Kill", and "Stop Killing", and "Oh no! Put both halves of that man down this instant!"
- Deekin Scalesinger meeting Grobnar Gnomehands is funny due to many levels of Mythology Gag. Scrappy versus Scrappy. Bard versus Bard. Kobold versus Gnome. Then the two of them top that when Deekin breaks into song:
Deekin I like gnomes, / So dumb and fat, / Fat and dumb / In burrows like moles / Shoot 'em full of arrows / Put 'em on a stick / That's why I like gnomes. Grobnar:
My word. Just hearing
that gives me the shivers. Qara:
I'll bet that could have shattered a castle wall. Sand:
Well, that cleared my sinuses. Shandra Jerro:
How... pleasant. Now Grobnar, I'm sure he didn't m... Grobnar:
I say, this is... genius
. The tone, the tempo. You can almost feel
the angst and pain of the gnomes as they are filled with arrows... and put on sticks. And the theme
of the piece... now, that is tragedy, in its deepest, most primal form. And the climax, the uplifting portion, where the affirmation of liking gnomes is confirmed... And then brought full circle with the physical and emotional double meaning of them being in the mind and
in the stomach. Amazing. I say, travelling to Neverwinter with you all has really been broadening my horizons — who would have thought I'd get to meet a kobold author and playwright!
- When Qara first meets Sand and threatens to burn down his shop, he replies that there's a spell on the building that will drain her life if she tries, making a snide remark about how she probably hasn't read the codex it's in. The best part? The spell doesn't exist, which Qara would have known if she studied.
- Some of the special dialogue if the player character is a drow. In the tutorial, Galen briefly freaks out at seeing a drow in West Harbor until he remembers that, oh yeah, Daeghun adopted one. Then there's a very suspicious weaponsmith in Port Llast. In canon his attitude might be the norm, but he comes off as paranoid partly because nearly everyone else in the game is so mellow about it.
Knight-Captain: What's the news in Port Llast?
Haljal Throndor: Port Llast is well-armed and well-defended... a very poor target for a certain Underdark race who might be thinkin' of invadin'.
- And on a minor note, drow characters can communicate with Kistrel the spider without help... and invoke Lolth even if they're a Chaotic Good cleric of Eilistraee.
- The mayor of West Harbor, Georg, provides some absolutely hilarious dialogue if you return during Act II with certain companions in your party.
Georg: So the great hero returns — been watching out for danger like I said? And what about that angry swamp elf? Seen it yet?
Elanee: ...'Swamp elf'?
Georg: Ah, I see you found her! She's quite a bit smaller than I expected, though, for a giant. Looks close enough, though.
Elanee: Ooooh...the giant swamp elf. Yes, obviously you haven't heard. It still lives, constantly feeding. Of course, now that it's forced to range farther and farther...well, I imagine it will be here soon.
- If you brought Sand, you get this instead:
Georg: So the great hero returns — been watching for danger like I said? And what about that angry swamp elf? Seen it yet?
Sand: 'Swamp elf'?
Georg: I see you have! He's a little smaller than I expected.
Sand: (to Player) And I thought you were the only fool to come out of West Harbor. But here we are and already this fellow proves me wrong.
Georg: Hnh. Looks like you've picked up an admirer. Well met there, boy. You sweep her off her seat in some seedy tavern, did you?
Bishop: Oh, yeah, she wasn't even conscious when we were married.
- There's this one that only fire up with the proper script and the PC is male.
Georg: Hnh. Looks like you picked up a little wife, I see. Well met there, girl. He sweep you off your seat from some seedy tavern, did he?
Shandra: What? Me?
- For its purpose in the story, the Haven is full of wonderful moments. Apart from Baalbisan above and his inability to discern humanoid genders, there's Blooden the succubus leader (especially with Grobnar, Khelgar, and Sand in the party) and basically anything to do with Zaxis. Especially Neeshka trying to get it to stop referring to itself in the third person culminating in the option to command Zaxis to stop when you have her true name.
PC: I command you to stop referring to yourself in the third person.
Zaxis: Zaxis... does not understand. Who is this "third person?"
- When updating Sir Nevalle on your war preparations, you can solemnly inform him that you looked for the Wendersnaven but couldn't find it. Nevalle responds along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect?"
- If you choose the spare Torio after the trial on order to become an advisor, she's still in the mood for snark, both with you and your resident Deadpan Snarker Sand.
- When you first meet Grobnar he starts telling a story, there is a Gilligan Cut and it's evening, the entire party is asleep, and Grobnar is now talking about a weaponized codpiece he made. This is mildly amusing in itself, but one of the PC's conversation options is to ask: "Do you still have that codpiece?"
- Before the trial there's an extra bit to ask people to come as character witnesses (Sand sends letters to any you miss, so it's all bonus content). When you go and talk to Callum at Old Owl Well his response is to demand an underling bring his axe and promise to take care of the problem for you right away.
- If Gann is with you during your "reunion" with Bishop at the Wall of the Faithless:
Bishop: I take it you gathered up another circus sideshow, then? Does this one sing for his supper? Does he bark like a dog? Or maybe he does a little dance on your command?
Knight Captain: Gann is a good friend and a loyal ally. More than you ever were.
Gann: And I can dance and sing quite well, as a matter of fact.
- When you first find the shadow portal in the Veil Theater and Safiya is waxing eloquent about the science of portals,
Knight Captain: And what does it mean if a portal smells like cheese?
Safiya: Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of...That wasn't a serious question, was it?
Knight Captain: It wasn't at first, but now I'm kind of curious.
- Kaelyn the Dove, taunting or cussing:
Kaelyn: You...you are a...oh, I don't know any profanity. How embarrassing.
- When someone mentions a never-ending fire that's slowly burning down the forest, one of the dialogue options is essentially you asking if they've seen Qara around.
- XP GRANTED FOR BECOMING HONORARY JARL OF A CLAN OF FROST GIANTS AND THEN IMMEDIATELY KICKING THEM ALL OUT OF THE CLAN. That is an exact quote. You also get +1 Charisma because the quest makes a great tavern story.
- Before kicking them out, you can also have this exchange with the ex-jarl:
Frost Giant Jarl: This is the worst thing to happen to a jarl. It is even more shameful than when Didrik knocked me over and sat on me and called me his new throne. When you is jarl, you should strongly consider coming up with a better way to become jarl.
Knight Captain: As your new jarl, I demand tribute!
Frost Giant Jarl: You is a very convincing jarl. You sure you has never been jarl before?
- Blackly funny: Gnarlthorn, a tree-spirit of Ashenwood, is suffering from a blight brought about by a previous spirit-eater. What was the fate of that spirit-eater? He tried to consume Gnarlthorn and Gnarlthorn fell on his head. Score one for the tree over the god-born soul-blight!
- Though several of them were Dummied Out, descriptions for the artifacts you can make using spirits are sometimes darkly amusing. Should you devour Myrkul and combine the spirit essence with a Broken Scythe, for instance, you get Myrkul's Wrath.
This scythe appears to be made of black stone. It is infused with the spirit of the dead God of the Dead, Myrkul. You sense that it wants you to die the most horrible death imaginable.
- An easily missed conversation with Nadaj about the history of the Lake of Tears garrison.
About a decade ago, another army - the Tuigan horde - came here with eyes on our land, encouraged by the wizards of Thay. We were nearly defeated. Safiya:
What? Don't give me that look! She said a decade ago - I wasn't old enough to leave the academy... let alone start a war.
- Yusev, an acolyte of Kelemvor, asks you to find him some books on necromancy. The only one you actually find is a book which would let anyone with at least a middling intelligence turn themselves into a lich. While one of the conversation options has you make him promise not to actually attempt anything in the book, the other conversation option is "Here you go, have fun."