A Lich's Lament: You find the phylactery of the ancient lich Zarifax, who makes motions to possess you...shortly before he admits he was actually looking for someone to take him to a nice grave, he having grown sick of unliving in a world where Kelemvor is the death god. By the end of it, he's grown so incensed with the quality of the graveyard that he asks to be taken to a cleric to make sure the phylactery is good and gone. What makes it hilarious is that said cleric is amazed you were not possessed by said lich, and comes to believe that Zarifax is Ax-Crazy given how he's laughing as the cleric banishes his soul to the afterlife.
- Actually, the Cleric says they're going to lock up Zarifax's phylactery in a vault for a few hundred years. Yes, the group who the lich wanted to essentially Suicide by Cop to is going to do exactly what he wanted you to do to help him out in the first place.
- What makes that whole quest hilarious is the voice acting when you first activate it. And his increasingly incensed comments for each area you go to.
(Quest Start) Zarifax: Foolish Adventurer! You have picked up no mere bauble, but the phylactery of Zarifrax, all-powerful lich! Now, Prepare for a battle of wills for your very
* Sigh* You know, I'm really just not into this.
Let me be upfront with you: I'm tired of the epic battle of good against evil. I was controlling that undead you destroyed so I could find a nice quiet spot where my phylactery won't be disturbed for a few hundred years.
You seem a capable sort. How about I offer you a reward for helping me find a resting place?
(Take the Phylactery to First Resting Place) Zarifax: No, this won't do at all!
The Doomguides have been here. I can still feel the smug sanctimoniousness of their rituals radiating from the very stone.
How did we end up with Undead-hating Kelemvor as a god of death anyway? I, for one, blame Cyric. Now Jergal, there was a god of death! Of course, Bhaal and Myrkul had their qualities, too.
Bah, I'm rambling. Let's try the next spot.
(Take the Phylactery to Second Resting Place) Zarifax: No, no, no! This location is even worse!
The Thayans would surely find my phylactery here. Then I'd either have to tutor some young power-mad necromancer, or become a lackey for Szass Tam, or end up trying to "reason" with Valindra Shadowmantle.
Now, don't get me wrong. I respect Valindra's dedication to evil, but that woman is simply not right in the head.
No, this location won't do either. Let's try another.
(Take the Phylactery to Third Resting Place) Zarifax: The Protector's Speech event, Sword Coast Adventures minigame:
What have they done to this place!
This would have been a perfect location. Commanding view, lovely stonework, and now look at it! Ruined! I bet this was done by some greedy adventurer looking for a few measly gold pieces or a paltry magic sword. I tell you, there's just no respect anymore.
That does it! I've been searching for the perfect spot for a decade, and apparently there's no quiet place left on all Faerūn. Well, this is it. I'm done! Take me to a Doomguide. Let them destroy me. I don't want to unlive on this planet anymore.
The Protector has started his yearly address to the people of Neverwinter. As a renowned hero of the city, all you have to do is stay awake. How hard can that be?
How long can this man keep talking? You'd swear you've been here all day, but it's only been minutes and he's just finished thanking everyone for being here.
The Protector's annual speech is almost halfway through. All you have to do is stay awake. Off to the side Sgt. Knox gives you a knowing nod. He's been through almost a dozen of these.
Time has lost all meaning as your mind floats in an infinite realm filled with nothing but the droning sound of the Protector's Voice. Sgt. Knox nudges you in the ribs. You're almost through this.
As Lord Neverember segues into describing the challenges ahead for the city, your realize The Protector's annual speech is nearly over, and you're still awake.
It's over! The Protector has stopped talking, and you're still standing. Sgt. Knox gives you a hearty slap on the back and says "Short speech this year."