- Clark and Ellen singing at the beginning, while Rusty and Audrey are less than enthusiastic.
Clark: Take it, Russ! (Russ stays silent while Clark and Ellen Bob their heads in rhythm to the unsung phrase)
Clark and Ellen:: ...fa la la la la, la la la la!
- "Dad, did you bring a saw?" (loud timpani cue, then it cuts to the Griswalds driving home with the tree HUGELY uprooted on top of the car with "Oh Come All ye Faithful" playing in a "wah wah wah waaaaah" style)
- "Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!"
Clark: Have you checked our shitters, honey?
- The epic rant after Clark doesn't get a Christmas bonus:
Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
- Clark going Chainsaw-Crazy afterward. When Russ tries to talk him down, Clark revs his chainsaw up and Russ backs down, saying, "Good talk, Dad." Clark then uses the chainsaw to cut down a nearby Christmas tree, which breaks his uptight neighbors' window.
- When Cousin Eddie first arrives, he touches one of the decorations scattered around the house, and everything on it immediately shatters off.
- While out shopping, Clark puts some lightbulbs on his shopping cart, which are crushed by the enormous bag of dogfood Cousin Eddie puts on top of them not a second later. The fact that neither of them notice it at all is just awesome.
- Fried Pussycat!
- THE HAP HAP HAPPIEST CHRISTMAS!!!
- Just in case YouTube takes it down:
Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!
- Where you gonna put that tree?
- Bend over and I'll show you!
- The sledding scene, where Clark's non-caloric, silicon-based kitchen lubricant gives his sled (literal) rocket speed. "Later, dudes."
- (after Clark crashes) "Tch... Bingo!"
- "If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now."
- "Oh, he's just yakking on a bone. (sound of Snots barfing under the table) He's got it up.
- Bonus points: That's exactly what a puking Rottweiler sounds like.
- "I can't swim Clark." (beat) "I know Eddie."
- This little diddy had me thrown into a gigglefest.
- "THE BLES-SING!"
- Almost any line spoken by Aunt Bethany.
- "Is Rusty still in the Navy?"
- "Is your house on fire, Clark?"
- This exchange between her and Uncle Lewis after the squirrel gets into the house:
Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound!
Lewis: You couldn't hear a dumptruck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
- "Clark! We're stuck under a truck!" "Do you honestly think that I don't know that?!"
Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.
- Clark getting smacked with the attic ladder.
- while he's stumbling around in the attic, he steps on three loose boards one after the other, causing them to rise up and smack him in the face every time.
- When Eddie is talking to Clark about the RV, he ends by dropping an unfortunate bit of news:
- Ellen somehow ending up grabbing Clark's crotch when ordered to freeze. And putting it back after shaking Mrs. Shirley's hand.
- The police chief's reaction to learning Mr. Shirley had cut out Christmas bonuses. Even better given a second ago he was there to save Mr. Shirley from being kidnapped!
- Clark watching old movies of past Christmas while trapped in the attic, while sitting right on the attic door, which his wife opens and dumps him right into the floor below right on top of her with a hilarious Offscreen Crash... right as Ray Charles pauses to laugh during the song.
- The entire scene where the family eats Catherine's turkey. It's so dry that Clark's mom dunks pieces of it in her drink, and Clark himself tries to chew it and gargle at the same time.
- Clark jumping off the Freudian Slippery Slope after meeting Mary, the sexy lingerie salesclerk (and her low-cut blouse).
"I was just smelling...smiling! I was just blouse...browsing!"
"It wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than...hotter than they are!"
"It's a bit nipply out...I mean nippy out! HA, HA, HA! What did I say, nipple?"
"There are plenty of shopping days until adultery...adulthood. Which is to say, Christmas. As in, Yule. Yule Log. Not a log, I don't have a log, I mean, you know...If I had a log. Not in the sense that you think I said I did..."
- Clark absentmindedly picking up a pair of panties to blot the sweat off his brow. And then awkwardly trying to stuff them into his coat pocket.
- "Tis the season to be Mary!" "Well, that's my name!" "No shit!"
- How Clark Sr. dealt with the holidays:
- The Christmas Lights are this and Awesome at the same time. From the fact that they cause power outages every time Clark turns them on, to the fact that the blind the neighbors next door and send them crashing into things, and of course the fact that a nearby nuclear power plant has to increase output just to keep up.
- Along with Clark utterly losing his shit, spewing Angrish and trashing his lawn decorations when he can't get them to light back up.