- In the restaurant scene:
Maitre'd: Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu: Non-smoking please-
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
Doubtfire: No I don't. But I did. I found the best way to keep from smoking again is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine, and it steels my wool.
- "Who did this?" "Your uncle Frank and aunt Jack."
- When Daniel first gets a new job:
Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony: Not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: ...After you box them...?
Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
- "Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes!!"
- Daniel dropping a hot pot of cooked potatoes.
- The hurricane of double entrendes from Daniel to Stu at the restaurant:
Mrs. Doubtfire: A man gives a gift like that he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh, hmmm? A bit of a "going down" payment.
Stu: Excuse me?
Mrs. Doubtfire: You know, dear, sink the sub, hide the weasel, pop the porpoise, a bit of the old humpty-dumpty, little jack horny, the horizontal mambo, hmm?
Stu (embarrassed): Mrs. Doubtfire.....
Mrs. Doubtfire: The bone dance, rumple foreskin, baloney bop, a bit of the old cunning linguistics, hmm?
- Daniel continues to needle Stu about Miranda:
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth...I do hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness. Oh, I'm being blunt as a spoon!
- Mrs. Doubtfire chucking the remote into the fish tank. "The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea-NN!" Mara Wilson's shocked expression at this also adds to it.
- This exchange while Daniel's brother Frank is on the phone with their mother and "Aunt Jack" is touching up a mask:
Frank: Enough already, it's a man.
Jack: How would you know?
Frank: Bitch....no, not you, Mom, I was talking about the dog!
- For bonus points, if you listen close you can here Frank's mom squawk over the phone.
- The Reveal to Chris and Lydia.
Chris: *stammering* She's a he! He's a she! He's a she-she...
Mrs. Doubtfire: I'm not who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit!
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man!
- During the restaurant scene, Mrs. Doubtfire (who's now a bit drunk) has to leave the family table again and says, "Be back in a flush."
- All of Daniel's prank calls to Miranda, pretending to ask about the housekeeper job.
Daniel (in a vague Hispanic accent): I am Job.
- Two boys looking through Daniel's window and see him with "boobs".
Kid: Sick! Mom!
- Led to him pulling down the shutters which knocked the mask and it fell to the alleyway.
- Daniel cover his face with cake frosting. Which drops into inspector's tea.
Doubtfire: Would you like another one? [drop] There you go!
- Then the inspector put some cream from a cup's rim on her face.
- And before that when we considers disguising his face with a piece of cloth.
Doubtfire: I'm not a muslim.
- Daniel is getting drunk at the bar in the pool scene (disguised as the elderly Mrs. Doubtfire, mind you) and starts flirting with a young woman.
- "We're his goddamn kids too!"
Miranda: Any other choice words you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?