Funny / Mrs. Doubtfire

  • In the beginning, when Daniel improvises lines for a cartoon character he's dubbing in protest of the character gladly smoking a cigarette in a cartoon meant for children:
    Daniel: (makes hacking, spitting sounds) I will not do this, I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened! (coughs, hacks, then holds a finger to his throat, imitating someone with a voice synthesizer) Help me, help me!
    • When Daniel voices his protests against the character smoking, it turns out he's the only person in the place who isn't smoking.
    Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.
    • And later, as he's walking out, the director tells Daniel that if he leaves, he's fired. Daniel responds thusly:
    Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, 'A-p-p-p, p-p-p-p-p, p-piss off, Lou!'
  • This exchange while Daniel's brother Frank is on the phone with their mother and "Aunt Jack" is touching up a mask:
    Frank: Enough already, it's a man.
    Jack: How would you know?
    Frank: Bitch...
    Mother: (over phone, furious) This is your mother!...
    Frank: No, not you, Mom, I was talking about the dog!
    • And this bit a few moments later:
    Frank: (to Daniel) She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.
    Daniel: (whispering) No way.
    Frank: (to mom) ...He says he'll think about it, ma.
  • When Daniel goes into Robin Williams mode by doing impression after impression for Mrs. Sellner. After about a minute of rapid fire impressions, it cuts back to Mrs. Sellner, who hasn't laughed once:
    Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
    Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.
    • Although, it must be mentioned that, in light of the tragic circumstances of Williams' death, that last line is now decidedly Harsher in Hindsight.
  • When Daniel first gets a new job:
    Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
    Tony: Not exactly.
    Daniel: What do I do?
    Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
    Daniel: ...After you box them...?
    Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
    Daniel: I think I've made a friend.
  • "We're his goddamn kids too!"
    Miranda: Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?
  • Daniel trolling Miranda by calling her as fake applicants.
    Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
    Daniel: Uh-huh.
    Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
    Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
    Miranda: In a band?
    Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
    Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
    Daniel: Wow!
    Daniel: Yah, my name's Ilsa Immelmann, and I vant to know, how many children do you have?
    Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
    Daniel: Oh, a boyyy. I don't vurk vith da males, 'cause I used to be one.note 
    Miranda: (hangs up)...Yikes.
    Miranda: Hello?
    Daniel: AAAAAAH!!!! LAYLA! GET BACK IN YOUR CELL! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE! (sweet voice) Hello? (Miranda hangs up, giving a horrified, disgusted look at the phone)
    Daniel: (in a vague Hispanic accent) I... am... Job.
    Miranda: ...Do you speak English?
    Daniel: (more insistently) I... am... Job!
    Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled. (hangs up) Ugh, what a nightmare!
  • Two boys look through Daniel's window and see him with "boobs".
    Kid: Sick! Mom!
    • Leads to him pulling down the shutters which knocks the mask down into the alleyway, where it is run over by a truck.
    Daniel: Oh SHIT!
  • Daniel covers his face with cake frosting, then shouts "HELLO!" so loud it rattles the inspector, most likely so that she wouldn't be composed enough to see through his flimsy disguise.
    • Some of his cream mask drops into the inspector's tea.
    Doubtfire: One drop or two, would you like another one? [drop] There you go!
    • The "facial cream" starts melting, so Daniel makes a quick exit:
    Mrs. Doubtfire: As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear. I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix. (another drop in her coffee) There we go again! I'll go get Danny. He'll be right with you. (leaves the room) Hold on. DANNY! (in his regular voice) Coming, sis!
    Sellner: It was lovely to have met you!
    Mrs. Doubtfire: (briefly appears in the doorway) Lovelytomeetyou! (bolts)
    • Then the inspector put some cream from a cup's rim on her face.
    • And before that when he considers disguising his face with a piece of cloth.
      Doubtfire: I'm not a muslim.
  • Mrs. Doubtfire chucking the remote into the fish tank. "The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea-NN!" Mara Wilson's shocked expression at this also adds to it.
  • "Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes!!"
    • Daniel dropping a hot pot of cooked potatoes.
    • Also his decidedly non-feminine shout of "DAMN!"
  • The Reveal to Chris and Lydia.
    Chris: (stammering) She's a he! He's a she! He's a she-she...
    Mrs. Doubtfire: I'm not who you think I am.
    Chris: Yeah, no shit!
    Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man!
  • Chris' question:
    Chris: You don't really like wearing that stuff, do ya, Dad?
    Daniel: Well, some of it's comfortable. No! God, it's a pain in the padded ass.
    • Although considering the current climate, Chris' question might not be considered that dumb anymore.
  • "Who did this?" "Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack."
  • At the pool, Mrs. Doubtfire comments on Stu's physique, telling his daughter "that's called liposuction" and saying that by the looks of Stu "the water must be freezing cold".
  • When crossing the road as Mrs. Doubtfire, Daniel is attacked by a purse snatcher, but grabs the snatcher and roughs him up, yelling in his normal male voice "BACK OFF ASSHOLE! BEAT IT!" scaring the mugger and a passerby. Daniel then walks away and slips back into his Mrs. Doubtfire voice, saying, "He broke my bag, the bastard."
  • Daniel is getting drunk at the bar in the pool scene (disguised as the elderly Mrs. Doubtfire, mind you) and starts flirting with a young woman.
  • Daniel messing around on the empty set at the studio. Particularly this bit:
    Daniel: Please welcome... James Browntosaurus! (grabs a dino toy) (to the tune of I Feel Good'') I eat wood, badadadadada, it tastes good, badadadadada, no meat, big feet, I eat wood, bum-bum-bum-bum! Oh, I got to help myself! Can't go on! Can't go on! I'm goin' extinct!
  • When Daniel (dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire) realizes Miranda's birthday party is being held at the same place that he's having his dinner meeting with Lundy, he comes up with the lamest excuse possible:
    Doubtfire: I can't. Please, don't. It's Bingo night, dear.
    Miranda: Cancel it.
    Doubtfire: I can't, dear. It's my turn to pull the balls at the rectory.
  • In the restaurant scene, Mrs.Doubtire's excuse to avoid sitting in the non smoking section (where his boss is sitting, and the family will notice him during the meeting.)
    Maitre'd: Smoking or non-smoking?
    Stu: Non-smoking please-
    Doubtfire: SMOKING!
    Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
    Doubtfire: No I don't. But I did. I found the best way to keep from smoking again is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine, and it steels my wool.
  • The hurricane of double entrendes from Daniel to Stu at the restaurant:
    Mrs. Doubtfire: A man gives a gift like that he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh, hmmm? A bit of a "going down" payment.
    Stu: Excuse me?
    Mrs. Doubtfire: You know, dear, sink the sub, hide the weasel, pop the porpoise, a bit of the old humpty-dumpty, little jack horny, the horizontal mambo, hmm?
    Stu: (embarassed) Mrs. Doubtfire.....
    Mrs. Doubtfire: The bone dance, rumple foreskin, baloney bop, a bit of the old cunning linguistics, hmm?
    • Daniel continues to needle Stu about Miranda:
    Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth...I do hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness. Oh, I'm being blunt as a spoon!
  • During the restaurant scene, Mrs. Doubtfire (who's now a bit drunk) has to leave the family table again and says, "Be back in a flush."
  • The moment when Mrs. Doubtfire sits on the chair and falls to the floor. Then after she gets back up, she has a look at the menu, which is upside down. She spins it the correct way and says "Whoooo!", prompting a concerned look from Miranda.
  • Mrs. Doubtfire's fake teeth fall into her drink. She tries getting them out with a utensil, saying "Carpe dentim. Seize the teeth." Stu uses his own utensil to help her, and when the teeth are out of the drink, she shakes them off, purposefully near Stu's face.
  • Daniel loses track of his disguises and winds up sitting with his boss while dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, saying that he'd just "pissed like a racehorse".
  • Miranda's reaction during The Reveal in the restaurant; Traumatized or not, it's hard not to stifle a laugh at how much she's freaking out that her ex-husband is her housekeeper. Added points for Stu, who is absolutely dumbstruck through the entire thing.
  • Post-Mrs. Doubtfire, Miranda interviews candidates for a new babysitter. One of the applicants is a doozy:
    Woman: I don't do laundry. I don't do windows. I don't do carpets. I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets. And I don't do diapers.
    Miranda: My children have been potty-trained for some time.
    Woman: Mmm. Well, I don't do washing. I don't do basements. I don't do dinners. I don't do reading. (Natalie looks shocked)
    Miranda: ...Yes. Well, we have your number. Thank you so much for coming. We'll be getting back to you.
    Woman: Thank you.
    Miranda: I'll show you to the door. (makes a "cut" motion to her kids behind the woman's back)
  • One of the deleted scenes from the makeup montage, where Daniel wears a blonde wig and glasses and takes the persona of a Southern American woman.
    Daniel: I have a lot patience of with children. If they get uppity, here's what I do. I mix a little lemonade, and a lot of bourbon, and they just drop like sheep on a summer day.
  • There was an entire deleted subplot where Daniel, as Mrs. Doubtfire, gets revenge on Gloria (for calling Miranda at the beginning) by convincing her to water her flowers with dog urine, with the expected results.
  • There was another deleted scene at the restaurant where a woman finds Mrs. Doubtfire's bag in the bathroom and returns it to the front desk. When Daniel awkwardly asks for the bag, which they know contains a bodysuit, he pays the host to keep quiet. When he runs into the bathroom and barges into the stall, there's an old woman inside who screams, forcing Daniel to leave again.