- In the restaurant scene, Mrs.Doubtire's excuse to avoid sitting in the non smoking section (where his boss his sitting, and the family will notice him during the meeting.)
Maitre'd: Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu: Non-smoking please-
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
Doubtfire: No I don't. But I did. I found the best way to keep from smoking again is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine, and it steels my wool.
- "Who did this?" "Your uncle Frank and aunt Jack."
- When Daniel first gets a new job:
Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony: Not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: ...After you box them...?
Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
- "Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes!!"
- Daniel dropping a hot pot of cooked potatoes.
- The hurricane of double entrendes from Daniel to Stu at the restaurant:
Mrs. Doubtfire: A man gives a gift like that he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh, hmmm? A bit of a "going down" payment.
Stu: Excuse me?
Mrs. Doubtfire: You know, dear, sink the sub, hide the weasel, pop the porpoise, a bit of the old humpty-dumpty, little jack horny, the horizontal mambo, hmm?
Stu (embarrassed): Mrs. Doubtfire.....
Mrs. Doubtfire: The bone dance, rumple foreskin, baloney bop, a bit of the old cunning linguistics, hmm?
- Daniel continues to needle Stu about Miranda:
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth...I do hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness. Oh, I'm being blunt as a spoon!
- Mrs. Doubtfire chucking the remote into the fish tank. "The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea-NN!" Mara Wilson's shocked expression at this also adds to it.
- This exchange while Daniel's brother Frank is on the phone with their mother and "Aunt Jack" is touching up a mask:
Frank: Enough already, it's a man.
Jack: How would you know?
Frank: Bitch....no, not you, Mom, I was talking about the dog!
- For bonus points, if you listen close you can here Frank's mom squawk over the phone.
- The Reveal to Chris and Lydia.
Chris: *stammering* She's a he! He's a she! He's a she-she...
Mrs. Doubtfire: I'm not who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit!
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man!
- During the restaurant scene, Mrs. Doubtfire (who's now a bit drunk) has to leave the family table again and says, "Be back in a flush."
- All of Daniel's prank calls to Miranda, pretending to ask about the housekeeper job.
Daniel (in a vague Hispanic accent): I am Job.
- Two boys looking through Daniel's window and see him with "boobs".
Kid: Sick! Mom!
- Led to him pulling down the shutters which knocked the mask and it fell to the alleyway, and run over by a truck.
Daniel: Oh SHIT!
- Daniel cover his face with cake frosting, then shouts "HELLO!" so loud it rattles the inspector, most likely so that she wouldn't be composed enough to see through his flimsy disguise.
- Some of his cream mask drops into the inspector's tea.
Doubtfire: Would you like another one? [drop] There you go!
- Then the inspector put some cream from a cup's rim on her face.
- And before that when we considers disguising his face with a piece of cloth.
Doubtfire: I'm not a muslim.
- Daniel is getting drunk at the bar in the pool scene (disguised as the elderly Mrs. Doubtfire, mind you) and starts flirting with a young woman.
- "We're his goddamn kids too!"
Miranda: Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?
- Daniel trolling Miranda by calling her as fake applicants.
Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Yeah, My name is Ilsa Immelmann
, and I vant to know, how many children do you have?
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Oh, a boyyy. I don't vurk with the males, you know, 'cause I used to be one.
- If you listen carefully, Daniel's voice drops when he says "be one".
Daniel: AAAAAAH!!!! LAYLA! GET BACK IN YOUR CELL! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE! *Sweetly voice* Hello? *Miranda hangs up*
- One of the deleted scenes from the makeup montage, where Daniel wears a blonde wig and glasses and takes the persona of a Southern American woman.
Daniel: I have a lot patience of with children. If they get uppity, here's what I do. I mix a little lemonade, and a lot of bourbon, and they just drop like sheep on a summer day.
- There was an entire deleted subplot where Daniel, as Mrs. Doubtfire, gets revenge on Gloria (for calling Miranda at the beginning) by convincing her to water her flowers with dog urine, with the expected results.
- There was another deleted scene at the resaurant where a woman finds Mrs. Doubtfire's bag in the bathroom and returns it to the front desk. When Daniel awkwardly asks for the bag, which they know contains a bodysuit, he pays the host to keep quiet. When he runs into the bathroom and barges into the stall, there's an old woman inside who screams, forcing Daniel to leave again.
- At the pool, Mrs. Doubtfire comments on Stu's physique, telling his daughter "that's called liposuction" and saying that by the looks of Stu "the water must be freezing cold".
- Daniel loses track of his disguises and winds up sitting with his boss while dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, saying that he'd just "pissed like a racehorse".
- Miranda's reaction during The Reveal in the restaurant; Traumatized or not, it's hard not to stifle a laugh at how much she's freaking out that her ex-husband is her housekeeper.
- Added points for Stu, who is absolutely dumbstruck through the entire thing.