Funny: Michael Keaton

  • His stories about appearing on Mr Rogers Neighborhood (yes, really):
    "So one day, we were taping, and Fred comes in, and starts singing, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day … " puts the shoes down here, goes to hang up the sweater in the closet. And he's singing, and he opens the door — and there's his floor manager, Nick, this big guy with his long goatee, pierced ears, hair all over the place, totally nude, just standing there naked in the closet. Well, Fred just fell down; it was the most hysterical thing you've ever seen. He was totally cool."
  • His stand-up stuff, even if he thinks it's an Old Shame.
  • He once told a story about his son wanting to go out for Halloween dressed as Superman, and he convinced him to go as Batman instead to "make him proud"!
  • His son Sean posted a photo of a note Keaton had written him regarding his Golden Retriever:
    "I fed Bubba. If he says I didn't, or he 'can't remember', he's lying. Daddio."
  • Whenever he gets into one of his Deadpan Snarker moods (usually seen on Twitter):
    "How did the NY Post NOT have the headline ANTHONY'S WEINER! Too easy? Even for them?"
    "Just had a barista tell me "have a nice spring". Nice gesture but it's already May 20. Guess that cutoff is the summer solstice."
    "According to hard drives found in his hideout, Bin Laden was days away from taking delivery of the new Chevy Volt."
  • His comment on deciding on his stage name:
    "Yeah, I had to change my name because there were two other actors registered at Equity [as Michael Douglas]. One of them is doing quite well from what I understand, the other is making cheap porn movies... *Beat* Basic Instinct."
    • And, by extension, this:
    "Hand to God, I swear this is true: My middle name is John, and where I come from, people throw around nicknames all the time. So they'd call me John or Johnny. And for a long time my brothers would call me Jackson, and I thought, Oh, that makes sense. I'll just be Michael Jackson."
  • Some of his interviews where he discusses his role as Batman are quite amusing:
    "In some ways, this one was harder, because I felt like I was doing an impersonation of myself. Which, aside from being nearly impossible, is really weird."
    "I was waiting in line for another movie and just kind of poked my head in... watched about 10 minutes [of Batman Forever]. I saw enough to know that I made the right decision."
    "I'm gonna do four or five of these movies, and it's going to become my career. I'll have to keep expanding the bat suit, because I get fatter every year. I'll be bankrupt. I'll be out opening shopping malls, going from appearance to appearance in a cheesy van. I'll kind of turn into the King, into this bloated Elvis, smoking and drinking a lot. I'll invent a little metal attachment, like a stool, for my hip, where kids can sit, because my back can't take their weight. I can hear myself already - 'Just climb right up there, li'l pardner. Is that yer mom over there? Heh-heh-heh. Go tell her ol' Batman would like to have a drink with her a little bit later...'"
  • His ineptitude with technology (even he admits it):
    Interviewer: Well, you were saying you were trying to catch Veep, do you know how to work a DVR? Or no, not really?
    Keaton: No. [Both laugh.] I don't.
    Interviewer: Because that would make your life a lot easier, probably.
    Keaton: I know, my kid says, "Turn on your DVR," and I go walking around going, "God, I'm embarrassed to ask him how to do it." He has to come over and show me how to do it.
    Interviewer: I mean, no offense, but they pretty much create these things for idiots, honestly. You just press the button, and it just goes. But maybe that's part of the embarrassment of not knowing how to do it, I guess.
    Keaton: Yeah, I just want a deal with Fisher-Price where they do everything for me. Fisher-Price DVR, Fisher-Price cars...
  • He appeared on the David Letterman Show in 2009 with a broken foot (that he refused to divulge the reason for). Letterman promptly whipped together a mock news feed (with a guest appearance by Anderson Cooper, of all people), saying that Keaton had broken his foot "while saving 12 orphans from a fire - and then giving CPR and a 'pulmonary massage' to an exotic dancer".
  • Pretty much the entirety of this article.
  • In a recent interview about his upcoming film Birdman, someone mentioned the fact that the main character is somewhat similar to Keaton himself after his role in Batman, mentioning it as "the elephant in the room". Without missing a beat, Keaton replied "I just came back from Africa and I fucking love elephants, so I’m OK with the elephant in the room… I totally embrace it."
  • The fact that his son Sean basically became an internet heartthrob after Keaton's Golden Globes speech, with even Mindy Kaling expressing her... Appreciation. Sean later posted a photo of himself smiling next to his father and joked that his slightly crooked teeth would result in a wave of dentists trying to "debunk" his heartthrob status.
  • After falling off the stage at the Critics' Choice Awards, he gleefully re-enacted it later for an audience while quipping "I took the Birdman flying thing way too far."
  • It's a bit of Black Comedy, but after starring in Film/Birdman (where a video of his character running through Times Square in his underwear went viral) he himself went viral at the Oscars for two reasons - chewing gum and (apparently) putting away his Oscars speech after pulling it out prematurely.
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