Funny / Loaded Weapon 1

  • Colt is looking at a gun centerfold in the convenience store. Some cameras on sticks pop up behind him and spy on him. Colt turns his head and the cameras look away and act innocent. When Colt goes back to the magazine, the cameras go back to looking over his shoulder.
  • The two thugs who rob the convenience store:
    Thug: (holds up pantyhose in a can) Excuse me, do you have any of these in taupe?
    Clerk: No taupe. Beef jerky.
    Thug: And you call this a convenience store?! (he and the other thug put on stockings to conceal their faces and pull out guns) Open up the cash register or I'll splatter your brains!
  • Jigsaw shoots York after she spills the beans on McCracken:
    Jigsaw: Is that... Dan McCracken... or Mike McCracken?
    York: Mike.
    Jigsaw: (shoots her again, and starts to leave, but turns around) Is he on Alpine, or Oak?
    York: Alpine.
    Jigsaw: (shoots her again and starts to leave)
    York: Hey! Psst.... park on third, you'll never find a spot on Alpine.
    Jigsaw: Thank you! You have been most cooperative.
    York: Don't mention it.
    Jigsaw: (shoots her one last time; to a sitting blind man as he leaves) And you, remember: You saw... nothing.
  • Dr. Leacher's prison cell has a Garfield windshield suction cup on the glass.
  • This line, from Dr. Leacher about Mortars: "Seek him out, and when you find him... please: I would love to eat his cookies. With some fava beans and a nice, chilled Fresca. (sloppy licks his lips)"
    Colt: I just gotta ask: What does human flesh taste like?
    Leacher: Chicken.
  • Luger giving the valet (played by Charlie Sheen !) a tip:
    Valet: Got anything smaller?
    Luger: Keep it.
    Valet: Anything larger?
    Luger: (intimidating) Yeah.
  • General Mortars's introduction:
    Mortars: (looking at McCracken's fish tank] Sea-Monkeys?
    McCracken: ...Piranha.
    Mortars: Their lives exude a beautiful simplicity: Savage, ruthless, existing only to devour and destroy, to taste blood, to rend flesh. Sounds like me, right? (giggles, then sticks his face in the tank, causing a fury of bubbles. A few seconds later his face emerges from the tank holding a piranha in his teeth. Mortars laughs triumphantly- Jigsaw rolls his eyes- and Mortars spits the piranha back into the tank)
  • When Colt and Luger enter the Squealer's Hotel where York was supposed to go:
    Hotel clerk: What is it with you guys? I run a respectable place! What are you arrestin' ME for? I got friends downtown. I don't know what you're talkin' about!
    Luger: We haven't said anything yet.
  • While looking for the informant in the Squealer's Hotel, they find a guy running down the hall:
    Luger: HEY YOU! (the man stops; Colt and Luger approach) NOT so fast. (the man walks normally) That's better.
  • Luger arrives to find Colt being held hostage by Jigsaw:
    Jigsaw: Drop your gun, Mr. Luger.
    Luger: I don't have one.
    Jigsaw: (skeptically) You are not carrying a weapon?
    Luger: I don't believe in 'em.
    Jigsaw: (kicks Colt's gun over to Luger) Pick up the gun. (Luger picks it up) DROP THE GUN, Mr. Luger!
  • Luger's exaggerated shaking after his flashback to a traumatic incident involving York being "held up" by a mime.
  • When Colt is trying to disarm a bomb on the docks: "All right, Becker, that's it! (grabs one of the wires, which reads "Becker") This one's got your name written all over it!"
  • This random moment.
  • When helicopters arrive at Colt's trailer, Destiny shouts over the noise, "Do you hear something?" Colt replies, "NAH!"
  • Bruce Willis has a One-Scene Wonder whose trailer is blown up by Mortar's helicopter goons:
    Bruce: (emerging from the rubble waving a white surrender flag) What the hell are you doing?!
    Guy in helicopter: Is this 1014 Pacific Coast Highway?
    Bruce: (holds hand to ear) HUH?!
    Guy in helicopter: 1014 Pacific Coast Highway.
    Bruce: NO! This is 814 Pacific Coast Highway! 1014 is two blocks up that way!
    Guy in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
    Bruce: Yeah! No problem! No problem!
  • In the climax, Luger shoots at Mortars. Colt (standing next to Mortars) bends over and exclaims, "Owwww!.... Just kidding."
  • Leaving a crime scene, Luger and Colt's car is blown up when the valet goes to retrieve it.
    Colt: "Good thing we used valet parking."
    Luger: "Taxi!"
    [Taxi explodes]
    Colt: "Guess we're making somebody nervous. Tell you what, it's gonna take a lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off this case."
    Luger: "Not a hell of a lot more."
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