Eval (pronounced evil):Why are cops obsessed with me? IT'S JUST A NAME!
Eval's maid: Come in, detectives. Eval is waiting for you.
Suspect: I didn't steal nothing!
Crews: Of course not. You can't steal nothing. Nothing doesn't exist.
"Industrial glue. It's what holds us together."
"Perhaps it's the 'Everything Must Go' signs."
Crews and Reese are sharing a room in the hotel, and when Reese goes to take a shower, the phone rings. Crews answers and it's Tidwell who (believing he's talking to Reese), starts dirty talking. The expression on Crews' face is *priceless*. He slams the phone down, and it rings again. He nervously calls Reese in, she answers, figures out what happened, and goes beet red.
Crews in front of a coke-dealing ice cream truck: "I'm going to shoot your partner on three. 1...., 2....," BANG (Commercial break)
While the perp is on the guerney: "He shot me on two! He didn't even get to three! He only got to two!"
To which Reese then comments: "He's right, you know. You did shoot him on two."
The page quote.
"Are you making fun of me?" "It's the universe that is making fun of us all."
"Why would the universe make fun of us?" "I don't know. Maybe it's insecure."
Reese and Crews talking in the first episode.
Reese: That's Zen, isn't it?
Charlie: Is it?
Reese: It is, right?
Charlie: Is it?
Reese: Say 'is it?' one more time and I'll shoot you.
The opening of the season 2 episode "The Business of Miracles". Dan Auerbach was killed because someone swapped his oxygen tank with pure liquid nitrogen... he was frozen solid. While Crews and Reese are looking at the scene and conversing with the guy who owns the lab. Crews leans forward and gently pokes the corpse with a pen... and the corpse shatters into a thousand tiny frozen pieces! Which Reese follows by asking, "Do you have to touch everything?"
"Forensics had to bag each piece individually. You might want to send them a bottle of something."
The scene where they meet Bomba, the chimpanzee rescued from the lab, and the people who run the local anti-animal testing branch, Betsy and Billy. Later, when they find out that Betsy is actually Auerbach's first assistant, who he'd been having an affair with, Reese arrests her and when Crews walks after them, a book flies out of nowhere and hits Crews on the head. Crews stops, looks over and says, "Ow!". Bomba sneers at him and screeches.
Seever notices Crews reads real slowly then later Crews notices Seever reads too fast.
"Black Friday" comes to mind - Charlie pegs a running suspect (dressed as a Christmas elf) in the back with a fruitcake. Right in front of some confused carolers. Who become horrified when he approaches with his gun drawn. Before the suspect is finally tackled and handcuffed...by Santa Claus (Bobby in disguise).
The scene on the Quotes page.
The somewhat airheaded wives of two pothead entrepreneurs being questioned offer Crews and Reese a beer.
Crews:(cheerfully) No, thanks. We're working, and one of us is a recovering alcoholic.
Mary Ford, the nice little old lady who keeps insisting that Roy McCullough was "so polite" in "I Heart Mom."